Category Archives: Health

Male sex work for women is NOT a game

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Today I am angry – and sad. But mostly angry.

I hate having to write this, because I love my work and my industry and I want everyone who hires a sex worker to have a fun, fulfilling, and safe time. Sadly though it needs to be said: there are too many wanna-be male sex workers for women out there taking people’s money and giving back nothing, or worse hurting vulnerable women for their own ego fantasy of being paid for sex.

I occasionally hear stories from clients about how another male worker they have seen “didn’t do it for them” etc and that’s fine. I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea either which is why I go out of my way to make it abundantly clear who I am and what I value through what I write on this website, in the hope that I can give the women who visit a clear enough picture of who I am that they can make an informed decision to book me.

Far more often though I hear stories about the male escort who “turned up coked out of his head and couldn’t even get an erection and still demanded to be paid”, or the guys who just never turn up, or the man who couldn’t go out to dinner with a client who booked an overnight dinner date because he “couldn’t be seen in public with her” and then left at 6.00am to “go to work”.

All of this is unprofessional to say the least and definitely harms the industry and the women who want and need our services.

But it gets worse. Men regularly contact me to ask for help getting into the industry. I tell them all, the same thing: as a male escort (assuming their client is respectful and has good hygiene) it is their job to be able to have sex with anyone who books with them – and if they have any doubt that they can do that reliably then they absolutely should not work as a male sex worker.

Why?

Because rejecting a woman who is paying you for sex because she “isn’t attractive enough for you” will be horribly hurtful to any woman – and a crushing blow to someone who is emotionally fragile.

Someone I have known as a client for many years had exactly that experience recently and – with her permission – I will describe what happened in the hope that it will help anyone who wants to book a male sex worker a better chance of having a good experience.

She booked a session with a male sex worker from one of the popular online directories, then booked a hotel room in the city to see him. The booking started ok, but his oral sex skills were poor and frustrating and his stubble was abrasive.

So they tried to have sex instead. While he was hard to start with, once he put on a condom and started having sex he went soft. That’s a problem and unacceptable in a male sex worker, but what he did then was unforgivable “he said I’m sorry, this has never happened to me before, I’m not attracted to you or your body”. So she ended the booking and asked for a refund of her money. He refused to give her even a partial refund and left.

Left her out of pocket for the booking and the hotel, without the service that had been promised, and with the parting gift of crushing her self-esteem. The following day he messaged her “to apologise and to thank me for making him realise that he was not cut out for the profession after all”.

This is unethical behaviour, it’s exploitative, and it’s emotionally abusive. Being a sex worker for women is not a place to work out your fantasies, or learn about yourself at the expense of other people.

It’s a serious job that comes with consequences for the people who pay their hard earned money for your service, if you can’t do your job. Imagine being told that you are the reason someone quit their profession. The lack of even basic empathy is astonishing and horrible.

So how can you increase your chance of making a good choice of male sex worker? Here are a few things to look for and consider:

  • Any truly professional male escort will have his own website. If his only online presence is an add in an escort directory then he is most likely just doing sex work on the side or for fun and may be very inexperienced. An add on these services costs very little so any man that fancies himself as a male escort can put an add up in a matter of minutes
  • Further to the above point – if all you have to go on is a cookie cutter description and some glamorous photos of his “ripped abs”, then know that what you are seeing is a facade and tells you nothing about the actual person, his values, or his abilities in bed
  • If you can’t talk to him easily and feel that he is understanding your needs and limits then don’t book him. As male sex workers we get paid very well for our time and we should make the effort to engage in a real conversation with a client before she commits to a booking with us. If he refuses to invest anything but the minimum of his time in you before the booking then that’s a huge red flag. This man doesn’t see you as a person, he sees you just as a pay check
  • If he is happy to chat, then really listen to the conversation. The more people talk, the more they tell you about themselves unintentionally. This is why I write so much on this website – the thirteen years of writing, photos, and short films that I have on here will give you a very good idea of who I am and what I value. And if who and what I am isn’t for you then ok, there are other men out there who will be better suited to your needs. I would rather that you see someone else than see me and have an unrewarding experience
  • If he wants to see a photo of you, or ID before accepting you booking – walk away, don’t even bother with him. A male escort never needs to know your real name, let alone where you live. Unlike with female sex workers, he is the one who has the power in the transaction and if he is prepared to abuse it like that then he probably isn’t safe to see

There are also things that you can proactively do to help make a better choice of male escort (I know that most of them are fairly obvious, but I also know that sometimes we need to feel like we have permission to ask for these things. Here are a few ideas:

  • Most women who contact me, tell me, if not about themselves, then at least about what they want and need and any issues they have that might be relevant to a booking (like inexperience sexually, or haven’t had sex in several years, don’t want or like a particular act). I can provide for most women’s needs, but many of the men out there doing sex work can’t, or wont. Giving them ample warning of your needs is a good way to pick the right guy in the first instance and a basis to demand a refund from him if he fails to provide what he promised
  • Ask if he will guarantee his service (he’s legally required to here in Australia). This will sort the serious escorts from the playboys. If he has the confidence to say you will be satisfied or it’s free, then you know at the very least that if you aren’t satisfied that you will get your money back
  • If you are worried about your appearance or some aspect of yourself and if you will be attractive to the worker you are thinking of booking, then it’s ok to tell them that and ask for reassurance. He should be enthusiastic, he should try to put you at easy, and he should commit to refunding you if he can’t perform, if he isn’t then that’s a red flag
  • It shouldn’t have to be said, but being punctual, presentable, sober, and ready to work is basic professionalism for a male sex worker. It’s fine to tell a man that you are considering booking that you expect that from him (or in the case of punctuality that if something delays him that he communicate promptly so you know what is happening). If he turns up late, is drunk or high, unshaven and unpresentable, then don’t hesitate to cancel the booking then and there
  • Ask to meet him for a drink or a meal before you book. It’s reasonable to pay a modest fee for the experience (but certainly not his full rate). How he handles that encounter, even if it’s just half an hour with him will tell you a lot about him. Is he punctual? Professional? Considerate? Fun? A small social date will tell you most of what you need to know about the man you have chosen – and it becomes part of the build up to and excitement of the booking itself!
  • Don’t book a male sex worker through an agency. Book an independent worker. Agencies don’t care about you or their workers (even if they say they do). All they care about is getting your money. Agencies won’t let you talk directly to the worker you want to book and may not even send the man that you requested. You have a better chance of good outcome with an independent worker
  • Lastly, this is a big one: while it’s reasonable for a sex worker to ask for a modest (refundable or transferable) deposit – given all of the above I personally think that it is fair for you to expect to pay after the booking is complete – not before. From day one I have worked on this basis as I realise how much of an emotional and financial risk booking an unknown male sex worker is for a woman. I don’t require payment up front because if you are not happy afterwards then you may not feel able to ask for a refund. I would rather have our booking and at the end if you are satisfied then you can pay me the fee we agreed. Any male worker who won’t do this is a risk. If he doesn’t have a clear refund or “no charge” policy then expect that he won’t be offering a refund

What if it all goes wrong or it just doesn’t work? We all hope this never happens, but sometimes it just doesn’t work. It has happened a few times for me over the thirteen years (at time of writing) that I have been a male sex worker and my response is always the same: I apologise, don’t request payment (or give them a refund if they chose to pay ahead), and offer to leave after making sure that they are ok.

I met a young woman once who unbeknown to me had never had sex, made the booking at the suggestion of her psychologist, and was absolutely mentally and physically not ready to have sex. After some time of foreplay with her I realised that it just wasn’t working for her, so asked her if she wanted to stop. She said yes, so we stopped. I gave her back her money, and left after making sure that she was ok.

Bookings won’t always work out. But as a professional sex worker, it’s our responsibility to do the right thing for a vulnerable person who may not be able to make the right decisions for themselves or feel able to enforce their rights.

So what can you do when it doesn’t work out? Here are some suggestions:

  • If he turns up drunk, high, or unprepared, don’t invite him in, or leave if you are visiting him
  • If you’re in the booking and it’s not working then you should tell him to stop, and if you think it won’t get better then you have every right to end the booking and leave/ask him to leave. He must respect that and comply
  • Ask for an appropriate refund. Consumer protection laws in Australia apply to sex work so he or the agency that booked him is obligated to refund your money if you are not happy with the service
  • If they refuses to refund you, then in NSW and other states you are entitle to make a claim for compensation through NSW Department of Fair Trading here: https://www.fairtrading.nsw.gov.au/help-centre/online-tools/make-a-complaint under the buying Products and Services heading. You should let the worker know that you intend to make a claim before doing so as this may circumvent the need to
  • Above all, put your safety and well being first (physically and mentally)

This has become quite a long post and I hope that it is helpful to women considering booking a male escort in Sydney or anywhere else. If you have suggestions or ideas that you think that I should add to the lists above please feel free to post a comment below or email me: john@john-oh-escort.com .

None of this is to say that you should book me and not another worker. I am well suited to some women, but not to others. What I want to do here is help women the right worker for them.

FInally – sex work should be safe and rewarding for workers and clients. We (workers and clients) shouldn’t tolerate men who behave unprofessionally. You have the right to a safe, fulfilling experience, or reasonable compensation if you don’t get it.

John

PSA for men – when you are giving her oral and she is close to orgasm…

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Giving oral sex to women is one of my favourite things to do.  It always has been and I am generally told I am pretty good at it.  And most women can reach orgasm with me that way.

But there’s a trick to helping a woman orgasm from oral sex – it’s something that I think I have always done instinctively, but according to a number of women I have asked, many men just don’t understand it.

The trick, is to be consistent – don’t change your style when she is getting close to orgasm!

So you need to be aware of what that looks and feels like. There are many signs (but be aware that not all women will show them, so a little help sometimes from her saying she’s getting close can be good), arching her back, tensing her stomach muscles and thighs, her vagina clenching, change in pitch and tone of her voice and breathing…

It’s all there to read if you pay attention – and that is when you really, really need to just keep doing what you are doing for her. No need to go faster or harder – what you are doing is working, so just KEEP DOING IT!

Most of the time with most women she will continue to sail on to have an orgasm and all will be right in the world.

There’s a lot more I could say about giving good oral sex, but that’s a story for another time. This PSA was just about the ending – and making it as happy as possible!

John

Is there something that you particularly love, hate, or just wish that men new about sex? Drop a comment or an email john@john-oh-escort.com and I’ll do a PSA on it.

There is no “normal”, just what’s normal to you

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People often ask me “what’s the weirdest thing you have ever been asked to do by a client”. The very vanilla answer to that question is “most women who come to me just want some good basic sex”.

But it does lead me to think about what “weird” really means.

My observation of people, sex, and sexuality over the last twelve years as a male escort for women (and couples) is that our sexuality – the things that “excite” us as opposed to our orientation, gender identity etc – exist on a spectrum and that what we like comes about in large part from what we are exposed to as we begin to explore sex.

In my teens I was exposed to heteronormative ideas and the images and practices that go with it – nuclear family, 80’s pop culture, Playboy and Penthouse magazines, the book The Joy of Sex (which I still think is a good read for heterosexual people), and very little else.

So that became my “normal”.  As I was discovering sex those things were imprinted in my psyche and remain there to this day underpinning what is arousing for me. A lot of people have very similar experiences as they become sexually aware and engaged – so we reflexively assume that because most people are like us that this is somehow “normal” – with the inference that interests elsewhere on the sexual spectrum are somehow “weird”, or worse – “abnormal”.

In reality though – as long as something is consensual and legal – declaring what is and isn’t “normal” is an arbitrary value judgement – not an objective truth. I may not be aroused by what another person is aroused by, but that says nothing about its value, or validity. It’s just my perception. The key that fits their sexual lock doesn’t fit mine and vice versa.

Some women who contact me are embarrassed to tell me what they find arousing, what works for them. So I think that it is important to say that – as long as what you want is consensual and legal – that I am always happy for someone to ask me for what they want. I’m open to most things – but even if I’m not comfortable with something, then I’m not going to judge you for asking. You are entitled to enjoy what you enjoy, and I will respect that. 

Want to call me “daddy”? Well ok then. Need to be spanked on the bottom? That’s fine. Like to go out for dinner with no underwear to spice things up? By all means. You aren’t going to shock me, and I will not judge you for what you want.

And neither should the rest of society!

John

Moving on, moving forward

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Some years ago I wrote this post: The Chance to Say Goodbye. It talked about my experience as a sex worker meeting my clients and in time them moving on. I also wrote this post: Is it ok to See a Sex Worker Indefinitely discussing the merits and considerations of seeing a sex worker long term.

I’ve been thinking about these two posts recently as a number of my long-term clients have recently moved on.

As per the first article, it’s a bittersweet moment for me to hear that. Bitter because I don’t get to see someone I have gotten to know, sometimes over years and who’s company I enjoy. Sweet because I am happy that their life is now more complete than it was when they first came to me and they no longer need what I provided to them.

“My life is full and I am content. A lot of that is due to you and the confidence you imbued in me over the last 18 months.”

It is gratifying that my service can give someone confidence in themselves and help them to arrive at a better place than they were before they came to see me.

But then there are the women I see every month, year on year who have found the place that they want or need to be, with me. An uncomplicated connection, physical fulfilment, that is safe and secure, and an intimate experience that is dedicated solely to their pleasure.

In this (sort of) post covid era many people have been reassessing their lives, trying to find a new balance that makes them happy. And that has included deciding to see a sex worker where they might not have in the past, or alternatively, not seeing a sex worker that they might have seen regularly.

While this has at times meant handling cancellations, I want to say that if you are a client to a sex worker – it is always ok for you to change your mind. The last three years have brought a lot of change to all of our lives and we have to be ready to respect and support the people around us and their choices.

John

Menopause and sex

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A lot of women who come to see me are beginning or are well into menopause. This can be an added challenge for women who haven’t have much – or any – sex in a long time. The comment “I feel like I’m a virgin again” and similar words are very common and not a bad analogy really, because there are certainly some similarities.

The main one is probably uncertainty about having sex and worry that it might be painful or at least uncomfortable. The main issue though for post menopausal women is generally less natural lubrication. Thankfully that is easily remedied. I personally like and use Sylk personal lubricant, it lasts well, doesn’t become sticky, and with the addition of some water can become slippery again.

If you want next level “slipperiness” though silicon based lube may be right for you. Silicon lubes wont dry out like water based lubricants, they don’t become sticky, and they are unlikely to cause any upset to vaginal flora (and risk causing thrush as some water based lubes can).

The thing to remember with any lube though is that you should use plenty of it and top it up regularly. It is a hassle to do and can break the rhythm of sex, but it’s better than running out and ending up sore. Condoms also really suck up lube too, more so than unprotected sex, so that’s another good reason to use copious lube.

Along with less lubrication, menopause may mean less skin elasticity and a greater vulnerability to small tears and abrasions during sex. Here again plenty of lube can help, along with a little awareness from a sex partner that it can be an issue.

Menopause and the hormonal changes it results from may also change a woman’s arousal response and affect how and how easily she can achieve orgasm. So if you are coming back to sex post menopause you might find perhaps that “things have changed”. In my experience this is not usually a problem and with a little practice you will be able to get back to a place where you can achieve orgasm the way you want to.

Perhaps the main thing to know though about menopause is that while your body may change it absolutely should not stop you having and enjoying sex! Of course if you do have issues then consulting a doctor is a good idea.

John

How long do you want penetrative sex to last?

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I saw this video in my Youtube feed the other day and professional curiosity suggested that I should probably watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siXHIeregY8

The women interviewed, on average declared that they would like penetrative sex to last for about half an hour – feel free to drop a comment below and let me know how long you would like sex to last. I’m curious to know where my readers stand on this question.

Now, compare that to the mean duration of PIV sex reported by couples (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-long-does-sex-last#considerations)

If the numbers are to be trusted, then it’s little surprise that so many women are disappointed with the sex that they are having.

So what is the solution?  As always I think that it comes back to good communication.  Something that is very hard to do around a subject as emotional and sensitive as sex is for most people.

It’s not easy for many of us to ask for what you want – and it can be very difficult for partners to hear those requests and not feel an implicit criticism.  There is no easy answer here because as a society we still treat sex as a taboo subject.  But at least we know where we need to start.

John

Dilators and dicks – a story of accommodation

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We tend to think of painful penetrative sex as being a problem for women who are having sex for the first time. And that is true for most women their first times, but it’s not the whole story. There is something of an assumption that once a woman gets past that initial hurdle that – unless the guy has a huge dick – that it’s all going to be plain sailing.

The reality is that for many women, used to partners with modest sized penises, having sex with a man who is only somewhat larger can be challenging and even quite painful. There’s also women who suffer from the side effects of surgery and from physical and emotional trauma. All of these things can lead to painful sex or not being able to experience penetration at all.

The point is that whether a woman is new to sex, or has been having sex comfortably for years, she can still find accommodating a larger penis difficult.

So what’s the solution?

Well one solution is gentle stretching with dilators. Doctors and physiotherapists will often recommend the use of vaginal dilators to help stretch the muscles of the vagina and “teach” them how to relax. It’s a lot like stretching any muscle of your body – it takes time and practice. No-one expects you to be able to touch your toes comfortably – or at all – without practice, if you can’t touch your toes.

Having sex with a partner with a larger-larger-then-usual penis is much the same – only with added complexity and emotional challenges. Dilators, which usually come in a set of five or six in graduated sizes, are a useful tool to help women reach a point where they can have the sex that they want without pain.

I recently met a young woman who came to me to have sex for the first time. We weren’t able to have sex in the end because she needed more slow stretching of her vagina than the time we had together allowed. She did make a lot of progress though during our booking, demonstrating that it was possible for her to experience penetration without pain. I recommended that she buy a set of dilators to practice with – I would normally have had a set on hand, but I hadn’t replaced the last set that I had given to another client.

I have remedied that now and will in the future always have a set on hand.

Not long after that a regular client booked a threesome with another male sex worker and me. She has plenty of experience with sex, but not with anyone with a larger penis than me. She discovered that he -being a little larger than I am – was actually too big for her to comfortably have the sex she wanted with him. To that end I recommended that she try practicing with a dilator.

There was the small problem though that dilators are generally aimed at women with more extreme troubles like vaginismus that require starting with a very slim dilator and working up. So they tend to only go up to around 3.5cms in diameter which is probably as big as the average man’s penis, but definitely isn’t big enough for a woman wanting to graduate to a larger guy.

Her solution was to find a nice silicon dildo that was about 4.5cms diameter, which represented a modest increase in size over me and was closer in size to the other escort.

Now I’m not going to try to explain the best practice use for vaginal dilators as I’m not a doctor or physiotherapist and you should definitely talk to your doctor if you feel you need to use dilators for painful sex, but I will outline the basics that medical professionals publicly recommend:

Use personal lubricant! It will make things a lot easier – and remember, don’t use silicon lube with silicon dilators – only water based lube
Once you can insert a particular sized dilator, leave it in for approximately 15 minutes each time you practice – this gives your body time to adjust and learn to relax
Only practice every second day – this allows your body to heal from any abrasion or other strain that you might experience as you increase the size of dilator you are using

Probably the most important thing though is to take your time and persist. It’s not a process that can or should be hurried. Persist and you will reach your goal!

John

Consent training and education – we are taking a step forward

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As a male sex worker for women, consent – giving it, getting it, and ensuring that it is still there – is something that I have to do with every client, especially when I don’t know them well, or with women with disabilities who may not be able to communicate effectively.

I also go out of my way with women who have little or no experience – or sometimes bad experiences – with sex and consent to try to help them learn how to ask for what they want and reassure them that they are allowed to say no, to withdraw consent for things that they may not want.

I believe that I do this well and provide a service that is safe and respectful.

That this is even worthy of note indicates just how big a problem “consent”, its practice, and our understanding of it is in this country.

So I am delighted to see (via this article – https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-08-29/consent-education-mandatory-australia/101375564) that the teaching of consent is to be federally mandated in all schools in Australia.

This is exactly how we make our society a better place. We teach our children in school and it creates generational change. Over time the young people who have learned what consent means, how to ask for it, and how to give it become the majority and “the old ways” die a natural death.

Some people fear this sort of education by the state and will claim that it’s the job of parents to teach these sorts of values. To that I say “You can’t teach what you don’t know”. Which doesn’t mean that all parents don’t necessarily understand consent – just that knowing something that you probably learned more by watching what other people did than actually being shown isn’t a great basis for teaching that thing effectively.

We very obviously have issues with consent in our society – I literally hear it from women regularly – and I for one am very happy that we are taking real steps toward addressing it.

It won’t be an easy road though. As mentioned in the linked article teachers involved in this kind of education need to be taught themselves about how to provide it, how to be sensitive to the impacts that what they are teaching may have on students who have suffered abuse for instance.

It’s a complicated problem that requires sophisticated thinking and solutions. It won’t be resolved over night, but every year that students receive this training we will be making a better society and giving kids the chance to live better, healthier, safer lives.

John

A male contraceptive pill – part two

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Well the results are in and no it wasn’t just me. Several women have let me know in no uncertain terms that they would not trust a man to take responsibility for contraception by taking a male contraceptive pill – none have said that they would.

I thought this would be the case, but it’s good to get confirmation. One woman even related her story of a male partner attempting to sabotage her contraceptive pills, so the fear is definitely justified.

While more contraceptive options can only be a good thing I still don’t see the mass market success that the manufacturers are probably hoping for.

This also highlights the importance of our society investing in education around sex, sexuality, relationships, and most of all – respect. If we spent half as much money on educating children about these things as we do on pure science research (as important as that is) then we would be a much healthier society – and perhaps a male contraceptive pill might be more palatable to women…

John

A male birth control pill. What could possible go wrong? (or am I just too cynical?)

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I saw an article today about the impending human clinical trials of a “male contraceptive pill” (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/03/210303161645.htm). Apparently trials of the compound triptonide in mice have been successful and show that it interferes with assembly of sperm rendering them unable to swim.

Triptonide is non-hormonal (use of hormones being one of the big causes of side effects of the pill for women), has no apparent side effects, and is reversible.

It takes up to six weeks to become effective and about the same time for fertility to return when treatment stops.

That’s all great. Having more contraceptive choices and solutions is a good thing.

But we have finally reached the moment that has been long discussed – can men be trusted to use a form of contraceptive that requires regular effort when they don’t directly carry the cost of not doing so?

I had a vasectomy when I decided that I didn’t want to have children. It was a simple procedure and because it is 100% effective, women can trust it as a form of contraception. I have always been sceptical though of a “male pill” and I expect that many women would be too.

So it begs the question of what exactly is a male contraceptive pill good for?

It may be glib to say this, but it does put an end to the “men’s rights activists” (MRAs) wailing about how women trap men by deliberately getting pregnant. Well boys, now you don’t have to worry about being “tricked”, just pop this pill every day and your “freedom” is ensured. Somehow I doubt that’s going to stop their howling.

Anyway, the fact that this was the first thing that came to mind for me is, I think, telling. So where else might it be useful? The obvious application is in relationships where a woman experiences side effects from female contraceptives – which is quite common.

But that brings us back to trust again.

If the relationship is committed and long term then perhaps this might be acceptable for the woman. But to my mind, putting your fertility in the hands of another person when they don’t have to live with the consequences – even in a committed relationship – is a very big ask. I’m sure that many people could and would do it, but would a large percentage of the population? I have my doubts.

Which means that unlike other contraceptives, the market for this product may end up being very, very small (and I don’t expect that MRAs would actually use it, since contraception isn’t the point, they just enjoy being whiney and having something to blame women for).

However, I’m always in favour of knowledge for the sake of knowledge and who knows how this technology may one day be put to use and who it might benefit.

I’m interested to know what women think about this idea though, so please feel free to drop a comment below.

John