More about pregnancy, sex, and seeing a sex worker

After I posted a few weeks ago about women who are pregnant and wanting to see a sex worker I had a conversation on the topic with a woman who is a midwife. Since she is a medical professional I thought I would share some of her thoughts about sex while pregnant – with the warning of course that you must talk to your doctor or midwife about these issues and not rely solely on anything I write here. While this information may be relevant generally, it may not be right for you, so please take the time to discuss it further with the professionals you trust. Hopefully it can act as a starting point for an informative conversation.

So the main point that was made to me was that I made it sound like having “sex while pregnant is inherently risky for everyone whereas there are really only a couple of specific conditions where we recommend not having sex”. I may have made it sound more risky with my disclaimer, but I do so because I want to be quite clear that I’m not giving medical advice and not qualified to do so.

So there you have it – what you need to be doing specifically is determine if you have any specific condition that might make sex a risk to your pregnancy.

Some more directly practical things I was told to be aware of included: breasts and nipples can be extra tender. This can actually be a good thing for enjoying sex as it can equate, for some women, to greater sensitivity and pleasure.

Breasts can leak colostrum. Certainly something to be aware of, it might give your partner a surprise if they/you like having your nipples sucked!

Orgasm can cause painless tightening of the uterus. I have read in the past that this is one of the bodies ways of helping to recover from pregnancy and childbirth.

Importantly – the cervix can be more vascular, so inadvertent touching of it – say through deep penetrative sex – can occasionally cause superficial bleeding. This is a very good thing to know as I expect that unexpected bleeding could be concerning.

Another problem with deep penetration, especially later in pregnancy, is that it can become uncomfortable. So if that’s something you and your partner like then expectations may need to be adjusted for a while!

Lastly – and this I was not aware of at all – is that when a pregnancy is very advanced, laying on your back for extended periods can cause a drop in blood pressure due to weight of the uterus pressing on the major blood vessels. So laying on your side for sex is a good alternative to missionary position later in a pregnancy.

For my part I want to add this – whatever your situation is and needs are, if you want to see me then I am very happy to discuss them and work with you to give you a safe and enjoyable experience.

John.

Vaccination – a public service announcement

Yesterday I was among the lucky few in Australia to get my first vaccination for covid-19.

I am entitled to vaccination in the 1B group as I work with women with disabilities.

My second shot is in a few weeks time and I am really looking forward to being fully vaccinated against covid.

Here in Australia I think that hesitancy to get the vaccine is relatively low, which is great. Our problem is quite the opposite – a poorly planned and managed roll-out and limited supply of shots is the bigger issue.

However, if you are worried about having the vaccination, here’s my request – if you can get vaccinated, please do it. Not for me, but for yourself and for the people around you. There has been lots of media coverage of the risk of blood clots from one of the vaccines that have been developed. But what nobody seems to be doing is putting those (very small) risks in their proper context – that is to set it against the horrible consequences of covid-19.

So – as Seth Myers says – “Stay safe, wear a mask, get vaccinated, we love you!”

John.

Consent and stupid government videos

I really don’t want to talk about the complete education failure that is the Australian Federal Governments “The Good Society” campaign, but I guess I really should.

A part of what I do most days in my work as a straight male escort (sex worker) for women, is try to undo some of the damage that our society does to women – body shaming, slut shaming, guilt around desire, gaslighting, bi/homophobia… the list goes on. So it is good that progressive nations like the Netherlands are leading the way with age appropriate consent education and I am sure that their society will be better, more compassionate, and accepting places as these ideas take hold and over time new generations internalise respecting other people’s right to choose and the “old ways” die out.

Then along comes the federal government of Australia and creates a set of “educational” videos about consent that are so awful that they:

  • Don’t even use the word “sex” when (apparently) trying to educate high school students about consenting to have sex – the infantilisation of young adults on display here literally belongs back in the 50 – which brings us to…
  • Hold up the 1950 as the ideal of a “modern progressive society” – I mean really? We laugh about the Liberal Party being stuck in the past, but honestly they are now beyond parody

“…the Department of Education told Guardian Australia: “Content on The Good Society website was created by experts and reviewed by a Resource Review Group of subject matter experts. Community members, teachers, and school leaders were also consulted to ensure the content was engaging for students and consistent with community standards.”
https://www.theguardian.com/education/2021/apr/20/milkshake-video-sexual-consent-education-campaign-cost-australian-government-38m

Notice who’s missing from that list? Students. They didn’t ask the target audience – students – if they thought that the information was useful and engaging. No. Instead they asked – everyone else. Which really just reinforces my point above.

This wasn’t an exercise in making Australia a “good society” (whatever that means from the party of children overboard, indefinite detention, and opposing anything that might mitigate climate change). It was an exercise in finding another way to shoehorn Victorian values and ideology about sex into our schools.

It was disgusting. I’m glad the laughter and backlash at their ineptitude forced them to remove the worst films.

So </end rant>

I try to be calm and objective when I write for my website, but even I have limits. This travesty pushed me past them.

I have no doubt that I would be able to make much more appropriate, accurate, and educational films about consent than the awful tripe our government literally paid over $3 million for. In fact, I’m pretty sure that I could even do it for less.

John.

Will you see me if I’m pregnant?

I was recently asked the question “will you take a booking from someone who is pregnant?”. I realised that I have never addressed this question directly here on my website – so it’s definitely time to do that.

The answer is yes I am happy to see a client who is pregnant – but with this proviso: if you haven’t already done so – I ask you to talk to your doctor and midwife first and educate yourself about any possible risks to your pregnancy that having sex might incur and to only proceed if you are prepared to accept those risks.

This topic is timely as it fits in with my recent posts “I’ts ok to want what you want” – Part 1 and Part 2.

Wanting sex while you are pregnant is a normal and healthy thing. Yes it’s ok to have sex when you are pregnant. And it’s definitely ok to pay a person like me for sex if that is what you want.

For the people who jump to “How could someone do that to her husband when they are having a baby together!?” I would remind them – not all women who are pregnant are married. Not all women who are pregnant are in a heterosexual relationship. Not all people are jealous, or insecure, or possessive of their partner – some people actually have functional open relationships. And not all women who are pregnant can get the sex that they want and need from their partner.

At the end of the day, if you are pregnant and want to pay for sex – that is your decision and your’s alone – and I will be happy to take your booking.

John.

Sex worker, not prostitute – “progressive” media needs to do better

In the time that I have been a sex worker the everyday language used around people like me who sell sexual services (not our bodies – no one does that, it’s not a thing) has changed dramatically and for the better.

Many politicians now use the phrase “sex worker” instead of “prostitute”. The state of Victoria (Australia) changed their “Prostitution Control Act” (which regulates sex work in the state, requiring workers to register as sex workers) to the “Sex Work Act”. A small change that – while the act itself is still a problem – points to a government that at least sees which way the wind is blowing.

The media though is a different matter. Yes many media personalities understand and call us sex workers. The ones who don’t do so consistently and pointedly and I would expect little more from them.

Then there are media personalities who while ostensibly progressive will choose the words they use based on the subject. And that’s a real problem – not to mention poor journalism.

US right wing politicians are famous for getting caught with their pants down. Their hypocrisy is quite plain to see. But then media who would see themselves as progressive and when talking about us would generally call us sex workers will turn around and start calling us prostitutes instead.

Why? Because they know how people react to language and in their efforts to ridicule someone (who may deserve it) they throw us – sex workers – under the bus as well.

And not just sex workers – but clients as well.

It’s fine to call out politicians and anyone else who is being hypocritical about paying for sex, but you shouldn’t be adding to the stigma of being a client or worker when you do so.

I think that I have perhaps met two or three women in all my time as a straight male escort for women who are open about having paid for sex. The vast majority of women – even in a place like Australia and especially New South Wales, where sex work is decriminalised – still would never tell anyone that they have paid a sex worker.

Why? In part at least because media personalities who should know better help to perpetuate the stigma around selling and buying sex.

Politicians who “point with one hand and jerk off with the other” richly deserve to be pilloried. But for their hypocrisy – not because they pay for sex. That just hurts sex workers and clients who are so often dismissed by a society that doesn’t care to understand why some people choose to sell sex and others to buy it.

John.

It’s ok to want what you want – part 2

I try hard in my work as a straight male escort for women to show my clients that it is ok for them to embrace their sexuality – whatever it is.

I met a woman “T” for a booking recently who carried a lot of shame and guilt around sex and wanted to have an experience with me to help start to overcome those things.

She messaged me today and (with her permission) I’m sharing what she said. Our session didn’t include anything kinky, but this is a good example of how – for someone who may lack confidence in themselves and their desires – having a sexual experience in a safe and non-judgemental environment can help them to overcome their inhibitions and fully embrace their sexuality.

Thank you T. I’m glad that you are on this journey and that I could help set you on the path. 

John

What to do when your sex life is not what you want it to be

I recently met a young woman who had a problem.  She was interested in sex, had had sex, but hadn’t enjoyed it much.  She wanted my help to try to “light the fire” so to speak, get more experience, gain confidence in her body and skills.

All of these things are excellent goals and generally they are things that I can help a person with – and have over the years.

What I have learned though is that these issues are rarely just a matter of inexperience.  They stem from our lives as a whole and as such there is no quick fix, but a road to self discovery that may be more or less long for each of us.  And especially in the case of sex – it’s not the destination that really matters, it’s the journey.

So here are some things that I think are worth exploring if your sex life is not what you want it to be…

  • What are your actual issues?
  • Anti-depressants and hormonal imbalance and their impact on libido and sex
  • Maybe you’re just not into sex?
  • Body image/self image
  • Masturbation and self pleasure
  • Inexperience and how to overcome it – being scared because you are inexperienced
  • The people you are “attracted” to versus the person you need
  • or – Romance and relationships versus good sex (they rarely go hand in hand and you shouldn’t try to force one on the other)
  • Work/life balance and where to find a partner
  • Whatever body you have – there is someone out there that loves what you are

What are the actual issues?

It’s a truism that we “don’t know what we don’t know” – it’s especially true when we have issues around our sex.  This is where I think that talking to a professional is the best place to start.  I am not a therapist, so while I understand human nature and am good at engaging with people to help them explore their sexuality, I cannot diagnose and treat emotional and physical issues.  I leave that to the professionals.

So if you have a low libido, anxiety, difficulty making connections with potential partners etc, then I highly recommend that you talk to a therapist.  Here in Australia at least, you can get ten free sessions with a therapist – just ask your GP for a “mental health plan” and tell them which therapist you would like to see and they will do the rest.  You have nothing to lose by doing this and possibly much to gain.

Low libido might be caused by stress (very common), a hormone imbalance, or something else that you and I have no idea about.  Spending time with a sex worker won’t fix these things and may even make the situation worse if the thing that you have paid good money for that you expect to help, doesn’t.  Better to fix the problem at its source and have a strong base to build upon!

Anti-depressants and hormonal imbalance and their impact on libido and sex

I won’t talk about the effectiveness of anti-depressants for their proscribed purpose – but I know from the many people I have met who take anti-depressants that they often have serious effects on womens’ libidos and even worse – ability to orgasm.

We know that orgasm isn’t the most important part of sex, or even necessary – but to someone who was previously able to and enjoys having an orgasm, losing that ability can be very, very hard and seriously effect their sex life and their relationships.

Please don’t stop taking your anti-depressants.  Instead, as per the previous section above – perhaps (working with your health professional) look for ways to fix the underlying issues that cause the need for the medication.  It’s not possible for everyone to go off anti-depressant medication, but with life changes it may be possible and thus lead you to a more functional sexuality and happier sex life.

Like anti-depressants, our hormonal balance can also play a large part in how we feel about sex. For men, our testosterone inevitably drops as we get older and this can dampen our libido. Women suffer similar (and more complicated) issues. If your libido changes, or isn’t what you would like it to be then talking to a doctor to have your hormone levels checked is a sensible step to take.

Maybe you’re just not into sex?

I have no personal experience of people who identify as asexual, but I believe that it is possible for a person to have no interest in sex at all.

If you are asking the question of yourself “why don’t I want to have sex?” and worrying that there is something wrong with you because you truly don’t want to have sex, then perhaps you legitimately are asexual.  If you think that this might be you but aren’t sure, talk to a therapist with experience in this area.  They will help you differentiate between a low libido and true asexuality.

Body image/self image

We are all our own harshest critic when it comes to appearance.  And that can be paralysing when we are thinking about or trying to have sex.  I have lost count of the number of women I have helped in this regard in my career.  This kind of insecurity can be crippling – and it is totally unnecessary.

Here’s the truth – your appearance matters far more to you than it does to your partner.  Because they are not looking at the superficial exterior – they see you as a whole person and are attracted to that, not to how you present on any particular day. 

Some people are superficial though and will be critical of other people for their appearance.  But that’s ok – they have just told you that they are probable not the kind of person that you want in your life.

However you are is ok.  It’s one of the truly insightful things that the sex work community has demonstrated to me: it doesn’t matter who you are, what you are, what shape, or age you are – there is someone out there who is attracted to you.  I see it semi-regularly in sex worker spaces, people saying that until they did sex work they had no idea of their own attractiveness and worth.  Having been a sex worker – even if they still struggle with their self image – they know that not only are there people out there to whom they are attractive – but that those people will even pay to spend time with them.

Masturbation and self pleasure

We live in a world that is constantly telling us that pleasure has to come from outside of ourselves.  That we can’t be whole and satisfied just being ourselves.  This is practically the cornerstone of capitalism and one of the most insidious aspects of social media.

It’s a lie.  It’s a toxic lie that ruins lives and can ruin sex. 

Masturbation is an integral part of understanding ourselves, our bodies, and our sexuality.  We should all masturbate. 

It is ok to do it.  It is ok to do it a lot – just so long as it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of your life. 

It’s ok to use toys.  It’s ok to not use toys.  It’s ok to do it with and to someone else if you both want that. 

At the end of the day masturbation is just another tool in our sexual toolbox and we should indulge in it just like any other aspect of our sexuality.

Inexperience and how to overcome it – being scared because you are inexperienced

This is probably the easiest issue to resolve – if you are unsure about sex because your are inexperienced – or have no experience – then (regardless of your gender) hire a sex worker!

We won’t judge you. We will be patient with you. We will tell you whatever you want to know and show you how to do the things that you may not know how to do – like giving oral sex.

Many people imagine that sex is just something that they should be good at / able to do naturally – and then feel anxiety because they don’t know what they should do with a partner. Sex is like any other skill. You aren’t born with this knowledge. It’s something that you have to learn and really you can only learn properly by doing it – although there is lots of good information available online (like http://omgyes.com ). It shouldn’t need to be said, but it’s always worth repeating that porn is not sex. No-one has sex like porn stars in their day to day life (not even porn stars). Porn is

We are discreet. We will not tell anyone. We won’t laugh at your inexperience. We are the ultimate (sexy) safe space.

The people you are “attracted” to versus the person you need or – Romance and relationships versus good sex

From the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep we are all more or less unconsciously making assumptions about the world around us.  That’s useful for navigating the physical world, but it can be a problem when we are looking for relationships and/or sex.

It can be a problem because we unconsciously approach the task assuming the we have to do it within the social frameworks (assumptions) that we live within.

Just by visiting this website and reading this article you are transgressing an excepted societal norm – that you can only look for and have sex in a committed relationship or marriage.

Even talking about buying sex is virtually taboo in Australian society – despite this country being one of the most permissive legal sex work cultures in the entire world.

I would wager that for you, seeking out sex work services was an actual decision (reached through serious thought and due to some exceptional circumstance) that had to be made, as opposed to something that you just felt like doing.

This is an example of how the unwritten rules of our society affect how we perceive relationships and sex – just the idea of seeing a sex worker is transgressive and we need to give ourselves permission to do it.

The problem that flows from this is as follows: if we should only have sex with someone we are in a relationship with, then one person is going to have to provide for all of our emotional, physical, and sexual needs – possibly for the rest of our lives.

For most of us that is an entirely unreasonable thing to ask of another person, or to be asked of us.  So we end up making poor choices.  We have relationships with people who are sexually exciting to us, but toxic partners.  Or we have relationships with people who are excellent partners, but we have no sexual chemistry with, or some mix or variation on this.

Making sex contingent on commitment is a huge problem.  There is no reason – other than social norms – for it to be that way and for most of us we simply accept that the assumption that society imposes on us is the right way to act.

I believe that most people would be much happier in their lives if they could let sex and relationships be two separate things that may sometimes cross and intertwine but never dictate to each other.

Work/life balance and where to find a partner

It’s an eternal question: where can I find a partner?

Here’s the best answer I have: the best way to find a partner is not to go looking for one. Instead build the best life for yourself that you can – meaning work less, save energy for yourself, exercise, doing creative things, indulge in hobbies.

If you do those things, then you get two benefits – one: you will inevitable meet like-minded people who may make a good partner when you are doing them and two: when you do you will be a happier, healthier person who is more able to participate in a relationship.

Conclusion:

Frustratingly there are no quick fixes when it comes to sex. Our sexuality is a project as complicated and requiring as much of our attention and dedication as any other aspect of our lives, like career, and relationships. However – if you are prepared to challenge your assumptions and put in the effort, then you can almost certainly get what you want.

John.

It’s ok to choose a different path

Most women who contact me feel somewhat conflicted about the concept of paying a straight male escort (sex worker) for sex.

Our societies inability to grant women the freedom to indulge their sexuality that men are granted is a large part of that feeling I’m sure. Slut shaming, religious judgement, and ideas of “what’s right and normal”, not to mention marriage and raising children bear down on every decision that women make about who to have sex with, when, and how.

So it’s a long road to even reach the point of asking yourself “Do I really want to pay for sex? What does it say about me if I do?”.

I’d like to try to answer those questions.

To the first question my response is “Why shouldn’t you choose to pay for sex if you feel like it?”. We don’t live in an ideal world where we all have solid social networks that bring us a variety of possible partners on a regular basis. More and more we lives that are isolated, dominated by work, and poor in people and time.

We all know the cliche of “Women don’t need to pay for sex, they can get it anywhere.”. For one, this fails to take into account the realities of the world – yes perhaps a woman can, but will it be safe? Will it be any good? Will it be on her terms? Not to mention all of the women out there who don’t necessarily have the confidence to approach a man. Or women with some form of disability. The list goes on.

If sex is something that you value and enjoy that makes you happy then you are denying yourself that happiness for the simple reason that you have no-one to do it with. Paying a male escort like myself is easy to do, safe, and may give you the experience that you are looking for – it’s certainly much more likely to do so than Tinder, or the local pub – and at the end of the day, if you aren’t happy with me and your experience, then I will happily give you your money back!

Which brings us to the next question “What does it say about me if I do?”. The short answer is – nothing negative. The same way that buying a meal at a restaurant says nothing about your cooking skills, or you as a person.

You are allowed to enjoy sex. To want it in a safe environment. To have it with a man who will respect your boundaries. To have it the way you want it. And if that means paying to get those things for now (or long term), then so be it.

If someone was to judge you for that, it says way more about them and their inability to understand your needs and the risks you face as a woman than it does about you.

John.

Consent – or why we shouldn’t force children to sit on Santa’s knee

Trigger Warning – this article discusses sexual assault and related topics.

I came across two articles in the media recently.  One discussed the horrible reality of what it termed ‘rejection violence’ – that is women being abused (especially verbally online) for saying ‘no’ to men.

https://amp.abc.net.au/article/13253626

The solution (minimally) discussed in the article mostly focussed on re-education of men and safety tools in dating apps as solutions to the problem.  Which are certainly worthwhile things to implement because something really does need to happen right now to protect women from this sort of abuse.

However – as alluded to in the article – anything that we do now is only a band-aid on a gaping wound in society and does exactly nothing to stop every future generation of men turning out exactly the same and thinking that abusing a woman just because she said ‘no’ is fine and no big deal. It’s treating the symptom, not the disease.

This is a systemic problem and one that can only be fixed by tackling the problem at its root – children (boys especially) need to be taught about consent from the earliest moment that they can comprehend the lesson. That’s where the second article comes in.

The Guardian – Teaching consent to children…

I like very much that this article doesn’t just address this problem from the point of view of teaching boys to respect other people’s boundaries – it goes much further and deeper and discusses teaching children to understand and assert their own boundaries – which I suspect then provides a solid foundation to discussing accepting other people’s boundaries.

Of course it also requires adults to respect children’s boundaries, making it a slightly circular problem we are tackling…

So, I had never thought of consent in this way before – but it makes sense as the fundamental starting point. Does a child want to be cuddled by a grandparent, or friend? Why don’t we ask children if they want this sort of contact? Why do we force children to “sit on Santa’s knee” when they don’t want to?

Put in this perspective, the origin of men feeling free to abuse women for something as simple as being rejected starts to make more sense – from an early age children are taught that they don’t have the right to choose who touches them and how. This is clearly setting up men to feel justified in forcing contact on women – and women in having to resign themselves to accepting that men are going to do that to them.

At the end of the day we have one problem with two actions required to resolve it.

Firstly we need to publicly and constantly make it very clear to all men that even if they don’t respect women’s boundaries and consent that they must curb that behaviour, even if they won’t personally accept that it is the right thing to do. We do this in every other aspect of our lives (like paying for things we want, following the road rules, or not committing assault) and men who may not respect the law – mostly – manage to behave rationally through fear of consequences.

Secondly we need to fundamentally shift how we treat and educate children. It has to happen in schools. And it has to happen in homes. And we won’t see any tangible results for at least a generation – far beyond election cycles and the media’s attention span…

All of this requires leadership with a strong moral compass. Something that Australia sorely lacks, especially at a federal level (I mean seriously, we have a prime minister who had to ask his wife to explain why the sexual assault of a woman in parliament house was a problem).

Sadly, I don’t see that these things will happen in any significant way any time soon – although I was pleased to see a high profile footballer was just convicted of two counts of “sexual intercourse without consent”. Convictions of this sort are vanishingly rare, but it is good to see that a man from one of the most privileged classes in this country (a sportsman) has been held to account for his actions.

That’s a good start.

John.

When we put all our eggs in one basket, sometimes they end up scrambled

I came across an article recently in The Guardian and it frustrated me enough that I needed to write about it.

From the article:

I have been with my partner for over a decade. We met in our early-20s through mutual friends. She was with another man at the time. Things were great to begin with, the thrill continued and we had an active and adventurous sex life. Unfortunately, within a couple of years – and unbeknown to me at the time – she had difficulties at work and seemingly lost all confidence. This led to our sex life falling off a cliff. I then became withdrawn, not understanding where the rejection was coming from and that made her feel worse.

The Guardian – Sex life has fallen
off a cliff

If you have had a long term relationship then it is almost certain that you have experienced something similar to what this couple are going through.

New relationships are fun, exciting, arousing, thrilling. And can give you fantastic sex. 

Over time though this always changes in a close relationship. Often in a good way. The connection between you becomes deeper and less superficial. You can relax more as you build trust with each other. 

But you will also lose the excitement and hot passion that comes with a new person, a new body, and exciting sex. 

If you are lucky then it matures into something more comfortable and deeper. If you’re not lucky then you experience something like the couple in this article. Work, money, children, and family among other things can all impact on your relationship, but your sex life with your partner will probably be the hardest hit.

Physical and emotional stress is a killer for libido. It’s even worse though when that issue is directly between you and the person you are having sex with. We can’t expect to have great sex when one or both of us is unhappy with the other. But – because of the way conventional relationships are structured – we still have the expectation that we should be able to have good sex regardless of whatever else is going on in our relationship.

That makes no sense at all.

The even sadder part is that – like the couple in the article – when our sexual connection fails as a couple, that can make the whole situation even worse.

I was disappointed by the advice provided to the person writing about his experience “Try to sooth yourself”? “Try to be gentle with yourself”? “Your strong desire to achieve relational and personal healing will eventually find its rewards.”

That isn’t helpful advice. They are platitudes that give no suggestions for helpful action and assume the only way to have a successful relationship is to follow the “normal” script of monogamy and suffering because in the long term it might get better on its own. No. This is in my opinion bad advice.

Let’s go back to basics. Relationships can be good or bad, but usually they are somewhere in between. Unfortunately we boobytrap our relationships by going into them with a requirement of monogamy, an inability to discuss actual needs, and no preparedness to make changes when things go wrong. So when we reach the point where our relationship is in crisis we have no tools to try to fix it with.

Imagine instead an open relationship where the subject of the article was able to have sex with someone other than just his partner – who is clearly going through some serious life stresses. It might be another partner, a friend with benefits, or a sex worker – it doesn’t matter what – as long as he wasn’t feeling cast into a pit of rejection, which then fed back on his partner and made her feel even worse.

In that scenario he would still rightly miss and mourn sex with his partner – but because he wasn’t feeling totally rejected, he may have been able to actually concentrate on her and support her in the way that she needed – helping her and bringing them closer together rather than pushing them apart.

There is nothing radical about this idea. It is in fact the solution that many people implement all the time when they have affairs, or see sex workers. It’s just that they didn’t start out their relationship with that safety net in place.

Many of my clients are women who love their partners and are very happy in their relationships. They don’t want to leave them. But they need good sex in their lives to be happy. So they come to me to get it – safely and discretely – sometimes they are able to discuss and negotiate their needs with their partner and see me openly, but that is rare, because for most of us, our relationships are built on “conventional” assumptions that are never discussed until we find ourselves in crisis.

So what would my advice to the subject of the article be?

  1. Get your sexual needs fulfilled outside of the relationship to short circuit the death-spiral of rejection that you are both going through – even better if you can discuss it with her (including giving her the same opportunity – who knows, having the attention of someone new might even help her with her self esteem and confidence). But definitely don’t try to do it together! Swinging is not the answer here. It might be fun down the line when this issue is resolved, but it won’t help while you are both tied in knots over sex and each other. Do your own thing for a while, have fun, rediscover yourself
  2. You both have issues that you need to work out to be happy people in and of yourselves. Getting therapy is good, but it sounds like you both need to take a hard look at your lives and ask the difficult questions: what do I really want out of my life? Can I get it in this relationship – and job? Once those questions are answered – honestly – then you have a basis to decide if the relationship is something you want to save and if so, what part in it sex with each other can play.

This is just my opinion based on my experiences both as a sex worker and personally – but I really think that when sex is a problem between people, it’s rarely the actual problem. It’s far more likely a symptom of a larger problem that then creates it’s own complications. So the best thing to do is take sex out of the equation. Get it somewhere else for however long you need to so that it’s not sabotaging your relationship. Then, with a clear head and a mollified libido you will be in a better position to fix the real problems.

John.