Do you want to be more confident in bed?

I know – it sounds like the subject line from a spam email, but it’s a serious question. Over the years I have met many women who lacked confidence in their bodies, their attractiveness, their sexual knowledge, and their abilities to please a lover.

These concerns are so common that I even offer a course to help teach the skills and give women the opportunity to practice them in a safe, controlled environment.

Many people make the assumption that sex – being natural and normal between people – is something that everyone (except for them!) just knows how to do. In reality none of us know anything more than what we see others doing (usually porn of some form) and what we experience ourselves.

So if you have little or no experience then sex can be really intimidating.

This is why I offer my course. I want everyone who wants to be confident in bed to have a place they can go to learn the skills they want to have.

This is the course outline that I use as a starting point to plan out lessons when you book with me…

Potential topics:

  • Touch (clothed)
  • Kissing (lips)
  • Undressing
  • Touch (naked)
  • Cuddling
  • Hair
  • Erotic massage
  • Body slide/full body touch
  • Kissing (full body)
  • Reading your partner
  • Intimate touch
  • Giving oral sex
  • Receiving oral sex
  • Masturbation
  • Edging
  • “Showing off” / being seen
  • Penetrative sex, positions, rhythm, flow
  • Anal play, giving and receiving
  • Anal sex, giving and receiving
  • Spanking
  • After care

You can pick as many or as few items as you want. If it’s a short list then we can probably cover it in one or two sessions of two hours each. If it’s a longer list then it will require more.

You can of course add any topic that you might be interested in that isn’t listed here.

I prefer to keep lessons to two hours with a break in the middle as that is a length of time that is enough without being too much to handle physically and mentally.

So if you want to improve your confidence, or broaden your knowledge then why not drop me a line with your educational wish list!

John

More about sex work and financial discrimination

I made a post last week about Melbourne Sex worker Matthew Roberts and his historic win in the Victorian courts to get access to EFTPOS services for his sex work business. I received an email today from Matthew promoting his ongoing efforts to have federal laws that are used against sex workers changed and I want to share it with you.

While this fight is mostly about giving sex workers fair access to financial services it is also about us being able to provide you our customers with a greater range of payment options. So it would be great if you could follow Matthew on X/Twitter: @sexworkervbanks or subscribe to his mailing list – email “YES” to sexworkervbanks@protonmail.com

Hi there, 

I’m reaching out to you as you’re interested in sex workers’ rights and efforts to combat financial discrimination. Financial discrimination is a huge problem for Australia’s sex industry, and as Australia moves away from cash, this problem is only getting worse.  

New laws protect sex workers from discrimination. It’s time to enforce these laws. 

My name is Matthew and I’m a self-employed gay male sex worker. When two financial service providers denied me use of EFTPOS machine services, I took the matter to the Magistrates’ Court of Victoria. In a landmark anti-discrimination law case, I settled the case on my terms and forced both companies (Mint Payments and First Data Merchant Solutions) to end their blanket sex worker ban. 

In 2022 Victoria, Australia decriminalised sex work and protected sex workers with anti-discrimination laws based on ‘occupation’.  My case is a huge win for sex workers and proof that enforcing these new laws can result in real change. 

But more needs to be done. The two companies initially tried to use a legal loophole to justify discriminating against me. A section of Federal anti-money laundering laws is routinely being used by financial companies to discriminate against entire groups of customers, including law abiding customers like me. The Federal Government needs to amend these federal laws to stop financial service providers from getting away with unlawful discrimination. 

Want to be kept in the loop as I extend my fight against financial discrimination and form a new advocacy movement? Reply ‘Yes’ to this email to be added to my email list.

Maurice Blackburn lawyers represented me in court. You can find me on X at @sexworkervbanks

Press Release: Melbourne sex worker resolves “debanking” discrimination case over denied EFTPOS machine

ABC News: Sex worker takes on financial sector ‘debanking’, with outcome hailed as transformative for adult industry

ABC TV’s The Business: Why sex workers are facing discrimination from banks and financial providers

News.com.au: Melbourne sex worker wins ‘debanking’ case against two Australian financial institutions

The Age: Sex stays the same, but sex work changes [behind a paywall]

Q News: Fed-up Melbourne sex worker sues financial providers and wins

Banking Daily: Illigit to debank s*x workers

Lawyers Weekly: Sex worker wins ‘decade-long battle’ against debanking discrimination

Yours sincerely 
Matthew Roberts 

Email: sexworkervbanks@protonmail.com 
Media enquiries: Chee Chee Leung at Maurice Blackburn Lawyers 0412 560 584

Thank you for your support of our industry. We really appreciate it! And thank you to Matthew for taking on this fight for all of us sex workers and clients alike.

John

Never had sex

I haven’t written about this topic in a while, partly because I think I have said most of what needs to be said. You can read my previous posts here: virginity (at time of writing there are 16 articles relating to first time sex). I have also written some articles which can be found here: My offer for virgins

However someone sent me a link to this recent article from the ABC so since it’s topical again I thought perhaps it was worth covering again.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-05-05/dating-intimacy-sex-women-hook-up-ladies-we-need-to-talk/103780054

The part that stands out to me in this article is how “never having had sex” effects people’s lives beyond just missing out on actually having sex.

From the headline “…make her feel like an outsider” – I was talking about this twelve years ago back when I was new to the industry and it understandably hasn’t changed.

When you haven’t had the experiences that your friends and family have had and you can’t share them – or worse you can’t even relate to them it has serious negative effects on your ability to connect with the people around you.

If you have never had sex it puts you on the outside in almost every social situation and that can be a terribly lonely and isolating place to be that will absolutely make your life less happy.

Jo’s last words in the article are: “You don’t really miss what you’ve never had, right?”

I disagree. You may not be conscious of what you are missing, but our bodies have a lot of stuff hardwired into them and sex and reproduction are one of the most primal aspects of our biology and psychology. Even if we aren’t conscious of missing something there will be effects – emotional and physical. I think that it is reasonable to say that we can miss something we have never had, even if we aren’t aware of what we are missing.

I don’t expect that Jo will ever read this post, but other women in a similar situation probably will. Let me say this to you: almost every woman who comes to me who wants to have sex for the first time (and I usually see at least two or three each year ranging in age from 20 to 45) say to me afterwards: “is that it? Why was I so worried about it?” and often “I wish I’d just done it earlier, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much”.

It’s always heartbreaking for me hearing those words. Our society makes *such* a huge deal out of sex – “Don’t have it! You’ll get a disease/pregnant/go to hell!”, “You must have sex or you’re not cool!”, “You can’t have the sex you want because [reasons…]”

So many conflicting pressures, so much stress over something that is and should be a natural and easy part of our lives.

The reality is that everyone deserves to have safe, consensual sex. If you have never had sex and you want to get over that emotional and mental hurdle then reach out to me. I am happy to talk and discuss your situation and your needs and if it feels right, give you an experience that set you on the road to a fulfilling sex life.

John

Research shows … that people in their 50s and 60s were having the best sex of their lives”

Our society edits out the notion of older people having sex from our collective consciousness. It’s not something that anyone really wants to talk about.

The reality – as discussed in this article – is that people are just people. Young or old we tend to like sex.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-05-11/sexologist-explains-how-to-improve-your-sex-life-as-you-age/103780946

The most important thing though is that as we get older the sex tends to get better! That is really encouraging to me.

Many of the women I meet in my work have reached a point in their lives where they are no-longer having sex. Marriages change, children get in the way, work, stress, and myriad things can lead a person to living a sexless life.

Then we can start to question if we deserve sex, or if we should be having it as an older person?

The answer is always, yes we do deserve sex, no matter what our age.

The challenge then is how do we find “good” sex?

There is no simple answer to that of course. Online dating tends to be a rolling dumpster fire. Our lives have become increasingly busy and stressful, making it ever harder…

I think that the best answer is: we need to invest real time and effort into making connections with people who represent our values and have shared interests – because the better the connection you have with a sexual partner the better the sex can be.

That’s not to say that flings and one night things can’t be hugely fun, but there is a time and a place for that and it’s not necessarily the way to find satisfying and fulfilling sex in the long term.

I believe that sex workers can be a part of the solution here too. It may be in the short term, helping someone who has lost their sexual confidence to find it again, or in the long term being a reliable, safe, and attentive lover who makes up for something that is missing from a marriage, or a busy life that has limited opportunities to meet people.

John

Yes Water Based lube

So my order of Yes Water Based lube arrived today!

First look and feel seems pretty good. It is very similar in texture to my preferred Sylk lube, but possibly a little thinner.

It seemed to last about as long as Sylk in a finger tip test and it also seemed to regain it’s lubricating nature reasonably well when it did dry up (just like Sylk) by adding some water.

But you don’t really know what a lube is like until you put it to the actual test! I will report back when I have had the opportunity to try it out properly with someone.

John

A crisis in lubrication!

As I’m sure you can imagine lube is one of the most important things for my work. Everyone needs lube with condoms – I know that some women feel self conscious about needing lube, but condoms dry up natural and artificial lubrication and it needs to be replenished regularly during sex with a condom.

Many, many years ago I came across Sylk personal lubricant. It’s made in New Zealand, based on an extract from kiwi fruit (just think how slippery the inside of a kiwi fruit peel is!), it’s organic and PH appropriate – and it feels as natural as any lube I have ever used. I love Sylk and generally buy it in boxes of 50.

Sadly though I have just discovered that Sylk is not currently available – anywhere! Again!

Some years ago the company that manufactures Sylk was sold to an American interest, who (if I remember the story correctly) promptly changed the source of the glycerin used in Sylk to one derived from palm oil (which was cheaper I expect), causing Sylk’s “organic” status to be lost, so the product was withdrawn from sale in Australia. Eventually that issue was resolved and Sylk became available in Australia again.

In the mean time I would buy Sylk online direct from New Zealand and all was well.

However something is rotten in the state of Denmark…

I tend to buy Sylk in bulk once every year or two and my supply is currently running low. So today, I decided to order some more. Sylk is still listed in many online stores, but all but one listed it as “out of stock”. This lead me to ask Google the question “why is Sylk not available”.

The answer is that back in early 2023 Sylk (after another change of ownership) had to recall three batches of their product due to an issue with mold being found in some bottles in the UK. This is extremely disappointing of course as I have used and trusted Sylk literally for the fourteen years I have been a sex worker.

Production still has not been restored and there is only a trickle of supply available globally.

So we come to the “Denmark” question. I was very disappointed to hear that the company had been sold back in 2016. I can understand the original owner’s desire to make the most of their creation, but what is perfectly clear now is that management of the company is not what it used to be and customers who love and rely on the brand are being forced to go else where. To make matters worse the company was sold again in 2023. It really feels like Sylk as a business has lost its way.

Which is where I am left today – trying to figure out the best option for the single most important product that I use almost every day.

So far the best I can find is this: YES Organic Water Based Natural Lubricant 50ml

People online seem to like it as an alternative, so I have bought a bottle and will give it a go. I *really* hope that it is a good as it claims, but only time will tell. Sadly it’s about twice the price that I used to be able to buy Sylk for, although at least part of that will be recent inflation I expect.

I will report back when I receive it and know more.

In the mean time please feel free to drop a comment below on your favourite lube. I’m interested to hear your thoughts: water based, or silicon? Thick, or thin? What works best for you?

John

Sex work and burnout

I was contacted recently by a woman who has had a good but ultimately disappointing experience with using the services of sex workers. She was interested to know what I thought about the problem of “burnout” in sex workers as she has lost two sex workers that she has been seeing to them leaving the industry due to burnout.

There are a few ways to look at this. From the point of view of the individual sex worker, the client, and the industry as a whole.

I have been working as a male sex worker for women for fourteen years (as of 2024). In all of that time I have not “taken a break” from sex work. This is partly because I love the work, because I am committed to my clients, and lastly because I try to manage myself so that I don’t get burnout.

I think that I probably have more natural inclination to this work than most men, but everyone has limits which we need to respect. One of the traps of sex work is that – if you are successful – the money can be very good. This can drive a sex worker to take every booking that comes along. And that’s great if you have the energy and stamina for both the physical aspects of sex work, but also the emotional aspects.

Most people who see a sex worker – and more so women – aren’t there simply to “have sex” and leave. There’s a reason why my two hour booking is my most popular session – it takes time to relax and connect and be “ready” and then it’s nice to have some after-care and time to unwind and enjoy the “after glow”.

All of that requires that a sex worker be physically and emotionally “present” and to not “check-out” from their client. This is something that I am quite good at I believe and respectful of in my sessions. It does require emotional energy though and no matter home much we lover our work there is a finite supply. It is really important that as a sex worker I manage that energy and I monitor myself so that I can give a consistent experience that is up to the standards that I set for myself.

Now there are lots of things that can impact our physical and emotional energy – stress (financial, personal etc), lack of sleep – and taking too many bookings too close together.

So as a sex worker my work and life are intimately connected and I have to be very aware of how each part effects the other and allow for that. If you have been reading my website recently then you may know that I am in the process of losing some weight. I realised that my slowly increasing weight was effecting my fitness and energy levels, so I’ve been working for the last three months to make changes to improve – I’m currently about 13kg down with 6kgs to go to get to my target weight and I am happy with how much better I feel in myself and about myself as a result.

All of this is to say that as a sex worker your job is much, much more closely connected to your life outside of the work than most careers. When I’m running my other small business I can generally get up in the morning, regardless of how I feel emotionally or physically and go and do good work for my clients and it won’t matter if I’m sad, or stressed, or happy. I can still do the job just as well.

That isn’t the case with my sex work. With sex work I have to look ahead to my bookings and plan my life around it. I have to ensure that I get enough rest, that I’m not wrapped up in anything too emotional, or drained by too much work close together. It takes real effort and attention.

Being older helps with that. I just have more life experience, including a lot of experience running my own businesses, managing my time and energy. Not everyone has that experience and I think that is a major risk, especially for younger workers who may be very enthusiastic, but can fall into the trap of just doing too much – in their sex work and/or in their personal life.

Commitment to the work also matters here. I see sex work as a career – not something that I do for fun, or “on the side”, or out of necessity. I love my work, I want to continue doing it for as long as women and couples want to book me. So I am invested in being able to maintain my mental and physical health and to avoid burnout.

From a client’s perspective burnout has some obvious consequences – paying for an experience that isn’t as enjoyable and satisfying as you would expect, losing “the magic” that is part of what clients come to see us for, and in the worst case where burnout causes a worker to quit the industry entirely, they lose a connection that my be very important and built over many years entirely. Which can be a very traumatic experience, akin to losing a conventional relationship even.

So as a sex worker I need to keep in mind the commitment that I make to my clients, especially those whom I see regularly for a long time. While I may not have an explicit commitment beyond individual sessions, I do feel that I need to respect that connection that I have and the investment that my clients make in me. To that end while I have never considered retiring from sex work, if I did then I would probably try to give my clients at least a year – or years – warning so that they weren’t suddenly abandoned.

Lastly, when sex workers get burnout and can’t give clients the experience that they want, or leave the industry entirely that is detrimental to the reputation of the industry as a whole. The woman who prompted me to write this post – having lost the services of two sex workers in a row has serious reservations about engaging with another sex worker as she just expects that anyone she meets now will in due course quit the industry and leave her to find a new provider once again.

That is bad for everyone (clients and workers) long term and while I understand the role that sex work plays socially (allowing people with few skills or options to earn good money where they otherwise might not be able to), there is a benefit to our industry becoming more stable and “professional”. I don’t expect that to change, but I will do my part to provide a long term reliable service to anyone who wants to see me.

John

Know thy self – erogenous zones

From time to time people send me links to articles about sexuality – which I’m always happy to receive! I was sent this one overnight and I thought it was worth sharing:

https://www.glamour.com/story/hottest-erogenous-zones-women

I doubt that most people will be surprised by most of these erogenous zones – but I think that it’s always good to be reminded that they exist and to be mindful of them the next time that we are with a partner.

That’s especially true with someone that we have been with for some time. It’s very easy to fall into a rhythm with sex – we know what our partner likes, they know what we like, we give that to each other and that’s it. Which is fine as far as it goes, but it does leave a lot “on the table” so to speak.

Yes we know what our partner likes and doesn’t like. But there is a gap between those two extremes that creates an opportunity to explore and learn and perhaps discover new experiences and new pleasures together.

I have many, many years of experience, but I’m not too proud to admit that I can still learn more.

John

Relationships, dating, and sex work in these times

I came across this article recently and thought it worth commenting on in the context of my work as a male escort in Sydney, Australia.

The gist of the article is that older women (and also younger generations) are moving away from the model of conventional romantic relationships and instead finding happiness in deeper friendships (possibly with people of the same sex) rather than trying to get that from a romantic relationship.

This is I suspect influenced by changes in social norms and the decline of women’s financial dependence on men. (Many) women no-longer need to be in a relationship with a man to be able to provide for children, or just to get by.

So this opens up the opportunity for women to find different ways of satisfying their emotional needs and according the research quoted in the article many women are doing this through close friendships rather than romantic relationships with men.

I think that on the whole this is a positive thing. It is good to challenge conventional ideas about how we find happiness in life – and realising that it is possible to separate things like emotional fulfillment, intellectual fulfillment/challenge, and sexual fulfillment makes it much, much easier in my opinion to be able to fill your life with those things without being forced to compromise.

I literally see women doing this with my work. Women who have no-sexual relationships with a committed partner come to me for the sex that the relationship doesn’t give them. Others don’t have a committed relationship, but do have a strong friend network who give them emotional fulfillment, but not sex, so they come to me to get the physical intimacy that they don’t get elsewhere.

This isn’t a passing thing either. I have clients who have been coming to me for between five to ten years. So some women really do see my service as a long term part of their lives.

This won’t work for everyone, but I’m glad that sex work is decriminalised (mostly) here in Australia and can therefore help women to create better lives for themselves.

John

Sexstortion?

Ok, this wasn’t something I had on my 2023 bingo card – “Sextortion”. But I really shouldn’t be surprised I suppose. In this day and age of ever expanding online scamming, hacking, and spamming, lonely people looking for a connection really are an ideal target for people with no scruples and a desire for quick money.

So what is “sextortion”? From the article:

“…scammers are known to use sophisticated tactics to ensnare and exploit unwary love-seekers, engaging in what is increasingly known as “sextortion.” This worrying trend sees deceivers using emotional leverage to coerce individuals into sharing personal and often sensitive information or images, which can then be used as a means of extortion”

https://www.forbes.com/sites/traversmark/2023/11/10/is-online-dating-making-you-an-easy-target-for-sextortion-a-psychologist-explains/

I remember when scam emails claiming to have “hacked my web cam” started doing the rounds a while ago. The email claimed they had video of my doing unmentionable things and were going to share the videos of me with my family and friends and work colleges if I didn’t pay them a sum of bitcoin.

At the time I had a bit of a laugh about it because my webcam isn’t plugged in unless I’m using it, so it was clearly just a shotgun spray of emails to thousands or millions of email addresses in the hope of finding a few people who could be convinced to hand over money.

Clearly the tactics have evolved (even though I still get the “webcam scam” emails occasionally). So since many of the women I meet are actively using dating sites, or planning to, I think this is a good topic to cover.

I think that most people are aware of the basics of online safety, but it bares repeating in this case – be careful, trust your instincts, if something feels off (or too good to be true) then walk away.

Stay safe out there!

John