Category Archives: Sex Toys

PSA for men – Vibrators are an ally, not competition

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I was talking to a woman recently on the matter of penis size.  She was confirming that yes indeed she and pretty much every other woman she knows much prefers a modest size penis and that large ones are just uncomfortable or painful when having penetrative sex.  What matters far more to the pleasure of sex is the confidence of the owner of the penis than its actual size.

To that end the discussion turned to vibrators and an experience that she had with a man who while he was reasonably confident with his penis he was vastly threatened by her owning a vibrator!  He felt that it was an attack on his prowess as a lover.

So lets be really clear guys – you need to let that insecurity go.  A woman you are dating would prefer to get her pleasure from you rather than a device if at all possible.  Just like you would rather receive pleasure from that woman than masturbate alone.

Everyone responds to sexual stimulation differently and has their own preferences.  If a woman needs or just enjoys stronger clitoral stimulation than you can provide, then that is just a fact of who she is and not a failing on your part. If she wants to use a vibrator while having sex, then treat that as just a part of the fun and find ways to make that work for both of you.

John

Menopause and sex

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A lot of women who come to see me are beginning or are well into menopause. This can be an added challenge for women who haven’t have much – or any – sex in a long time. The comment “I feel like I’m a virgin again” and similar words are very common and not a bad analogy really, because there are certainly some similarities.

The main one is probably uncertainty about having sex and worry that it might be painful or at least uncomfortable. The main issue though for post menopausal women is generally less natural lubrication. Thankfully that is easily remedied. I personally like and use Sylk personal lubricant, it lasts well, doesn’t become sticky, and with the addition of some water can become slippery again.

If you want next level “slipperiness” though silicon based lube may be right for you. Silicon lubes wont dry out like water based lubricants, they don’t become sticky, and they are unlikely to cause any upset to vaginal flora (and risk causing thrush as some water based lubes can).

The thing to remember with any lube though is that you should use plenty of it and top it up regularly. It is a hassle to do and can break the rhythm of sex, but it’s better than running out and ending up sore. Condoms also really suck up lube too, more so than unprotected sex, so that’s another good reason to use copious lube.

Along with less lubrication, menopause may mean less skin elasticity and a greater vulnerability to small tears and abrasions during sex. Here again plenty of lube can help, along with a little awareness from a sex partner that it can be an issue.

Menopause and the hormonal changes it results from may also change a woman’s arousal response and affect how and how easily she can achieve orgasm. So if you are coming back to sex post menopause you might find perhaps that “things have changed”. In my experience this is not usually a problem and with a little practice you will be able to get back to a place where you can achieve orgasm the way you want to.

Perhaps the main thing to know though about menopause is that while your body may change it absolutely should not stop you having and enjoying sex! Of course if you do have issues then consulting a doctor is a good idea.

John

Doxy play

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So. I came into possession of a Doxy vibrator recently (not permanently sadly, but for now it’s mine!).  I’m not a big fan of using sex toys on myself usually, but the reputation of the Doxy as a really powerful vibrator got me curious.  

Would it feel good for me as a man?  What would it feel like full stop?

So while the morning light lasted I thought I’d make a little film for you…

John.

The sex bots are coming (again)

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It seems every year or two we see one of these articles: “THE SEX ROBOTS ARE COMING!” shout the headlines. Read the article though and it’s usually about one or two people working in the industry of robotics, or robotic research talking up the technology or spruking their products.  See here:

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/how-sex-robots-could-revolutionise-bedtime-20160609-gpfy6b.html

The story is changing though, gradually. As per this article (complete with smiling women smooching very plastic looking sci-fi robots) there are interesting and disturbing nuggets of information. for instance…

“Companion devices such as the Pepper robot are increasingly being used to provide company to elderly people, particularly in Asian countries such as Japan”

and…

“Prof Sharkey said there was evidence that companion devices were also being use by parents to keep their children company. Research from California indicated young children had emotionally bonded with the machines”

Now, it’s a vast leap to go from companion devices for the elderly to a robot who rocks your world in bed, but if you grow up as a child with ever more sophisticated companion devices (robots), then perhaps you will grow up to be an adult who is more comfortable with machines and machine sex than dealing with the messy, complicated, often painful world of sex with other humans. It could well happen. In fact I expect that it likely will happen.

But all of this – in my opinion – misses the point. Click bait headlines aside, it makes me ask the question: “what do we want from sex?” and ultimately “what does it mean to be human?”

I am regularly contacted by women who have difficulty in reaching orgasm, or difficulty being “in the moment” and enjoying sex. Our consumer society responds to that by saying that the solution is a new vibrator, or a more powerful vibrator, or an AI vibrator! And that may actually work for some time. Powerful stimulation that simply CANNOT be ignored may get you there for a while. But it’s really only a band-aid, over-riding the basic problem, and potentially causing more of it’s own (as your body decreases clitoral sensitivity in response to the very strong stimulation).

So my response is that if we can’t be “in the moment” for sex, if we can’t reach orgasm easily, then the answer lies not outside of us, but in our heads. We need to go back to basics – work out what is causing the problem in the first place: too busy and stressed with work? Unhappy in our relationship? Tired and stressed by family and commitments?

We need to either change our lives to reduce of remove the cause, or we need to learn how to be at peace anyway. A combination of both is, in my opinion, ideal.

So where does that leave sex robots? Honestly I’m not sure. Until such time as robots are intellectually and emotionally equivalent to humans, I can’t see how a robot can ever be a substitute for the sexual arousal that comes from the close physical and mental stimulation of another person. But if we reach that stage, then what really is the difference besides a synthetic body?

So basically we come full circle. If you want a healthy, satisfying sex life (with a human or a robot) then you are probably going to have to sort out your own head first. A task that I am always happy to help people with in the pursuit of better sex.

John.

Oh Joy and John Oh on vaginismus

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My favourite sex blog Oh Joy Sex Toy has a fabulous article today about vaginismus. What is it you ask? Sounds painful right? Well yes. It can be. But I won’t go into detail. Read the post for an excellent description of this entirely fixable problem of painful vaginal penetration:

http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vaginismus/

What I wanted to say on the subject is that it is one close to my heart. Over the years of me working as a male escort I have been contacted by a number of women who had diagnosis of vaginismus or issues with painful penetration and were looking for a safe, professional way to treat their condition. Some had spent time working with a therapist, doctor, or physio prior to contacting me, others had not.

The Oh Joy article has it right though, vaginismus is usually a mental condition with a physical symptom. So the first thing to do is talk. Try to understand its origin. After that, progressive gentle stretching exercises that allow you to retrain the automatic muscle spasm that is vaginismus are the key. This can be done using medical dilators that get progressively larger, or something as simple as a partner’s finger (and eventually fingers).

Some women would rather have the assistance of another person (such as myself) to work through the physical stretching exercise. I usually recommend that we arrange a number of short (one to one and a half hour) sessions to work slowly and allow you to relax progressively to the point where full penetration is possible.

For some women just one session can be enough. For others it may take several. But the important thing is that no matter how bad your vaginismus is it can be fixed! See your gynecologist and they can start you on the right path. If you would like the help of a professional with the actual exercises and to allow you to even try sex when you are ready with the safety of someone that understands your situation and the need for care and patience, then please feel free to contact me.

John.

Oh Joy Sex Toy

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My fellow sex worker and acquaintance Lucie Bee recently made a post on Twitter about a different and entertaining web comic of sex toy reviews (and more).

It’s called: Oh Joy Sex Toy and it is a bit of fun for a rainy afternoon. Or to give you some insight into the pros and cons of various sex toys. I like it. It’s a different approach to toy reviews and web comics alike.

John.

Orgasmic Meditation, orgasm from penetration, and your vibrator

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It’s time to write the post that needs to be written.

My first post about Orgasmic Meditation was on the whole positive. Since then I have attended one of their training courses (fun) and come to realise that the concepts behind OM are powerful, beneficial, and something that every woman and man should know about and understand. And preferably practice! I have used orgasmic meditation (or variations of it) with a number of my clients with success. My partner has declared that it is “ridiculously enjoyable” and that it has been transformative for our sex life (you are never too old to learn new ways to enjoy sex!).

So, orgasmic meditation gets a big tick. I highly recommend that you learn about it, perhaps attend one of their courses, join their online community if you need to find someone to do it with. And start enjoying being stroked!

There is however, in my opinion, one thing that you need to do first: THROW AWAY YOUR VIBRATOR!

Why? It’s this simple: vibrators are too powerful. They train your brain to be LESS sensitive to clitoral stimulation. They take away your ability to engage with and enjoy your body and the most specific pleasure that you can enjoy, that is stimulation of your clit.

When you try orgasmic meditation you will understand why. The whole technique is based around the lightest, most gentle touch possible of the woman’s clitoris. By contrast using a vibrator is like putting too much salt on your food. In the end you can only taste salt and you lose the ability to enjoy the subtle flavours and variations of unsalted food. Like wise, your vibrator is destroying your connection with your clit. Let me explain how. I read a recent study summarised here:

http://www.cell.com/current-biology/abstract/S0960-9822(14)01487-0

It showed that regular fine detail work with fingers – including playing musical instruments, or using a smart phone – resulted in greater brain activity in the areas of the brain related to sensing touch. I.e. when you use your finger tips to do something that requires a delicate touch, your brain responds by ramping up it’s sensitivity to the signals coming from that part of your body.

Your clitoris has upward of 8000 nerve endings, all packed into a tiny space. It is exquisitely receptive – more so than even your fingertips. But what you “feel” is dependent up whether or not your brain is “listening” to the signals properly. Extrapolating from the finding of the study mentioned above, it is reasonable to expect that using a vibrator, especially a powerful one for clitoral stimulation will allow your brain to become less attuned to the signals from you clit. After all, if you were extremely sensitive, then it could actually be painful to have that level of stimulation, so your body dials down the sensitivity progressively.

So. Orgasmic meditation – through the use of very, very gentle stimulation of the clitoris with the finger tip – should, I believe, result in an increase in brain activity and hence sensation and pleasure that a woman feels, in the same way that smart phone, or instrument use increases the sensitivity of people’s finger tips.

Practice orgasmic meditation enough, without undoing the good work by using a vibrator in between and I believe that it may actually allow almost any women to reach orgasm via penetration. I haven’t been able to test this theory yet, but I am seriously intent on finding out!

John.

Nipple clamps

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Do you like having your nipples squeezed and pulled?  Then chances are that you would enjoy playing with nipple clamps.  Personally I have very sensitive nipples – meaning that strong stimulation just plain hurts!  But this isn’t the case for everyone.  So if you enjoy some nipple play then I highly recommend trying out a set of nipple clamps.

Nipple clamps

Some nipple clamps are spring loaded for easy use. These ones are tightened with a screw. Harder to use, but you can adjust them to just the right tension

This set (pictured right) have soft padded jaws and are tightened with a screw.  This makes it very easy to set exactly the right pressure for your nipples.

As you can see they are joined by a chain.  Once on and tight, the clamps are said to give a slow pulsing sensation that is like pain, but not quite …  I am told that this is very enjoyable and helps to keep you focused and “in the moment” if you are having sex.

The chain adds to the sensation when you are standing up, or on all fours by pulling down on the clamps.  During sex the rhythmic swinging of the chain when on all fours can be very enjoyable!

You can buy nipple clamps at any good sex shop.  If you are shopping for a set then you need to think about the size of your nipples (when they are aroused) and make sure that you get a set that will open wide enough.

There is no need however to stick to purpose made nipple clamps.  I have seen clothes pegs or all sizes and styles used, paper clips, and just about anything you can find that could hold your nipple!  Do be a bit careful though, you don’t want to use anything too sharp that might break the skin, or cut off circulation.

As always be safe and have fun!

John.

The history of the vibrator

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While looking around the SBS “on demand” website today I came across a documentary called “Turn Me On – The History Of The Vibrator”.  You can find it here:

http://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/video/2266589445/Turn-Me-On:-The-History-Of-The-Vibrator

Sadly, it is only available for another 12 days, but I dare say that some googling will find it online somewhere else.  It is an amusing look at how and why the vibrator was invented, mixed with a tour of recent offerings from the sex toy industry.

It’s worth a watch on a Sunday afternoon.

John.

Sweet Sybian Sydney party number two

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I attended my second Sweet Sybian Sydney party on Friday night and wanted to give a report here.  Some times when you have a good experience in a situation like this you worry that it may have just been a one off.  A lucky coincidence of the right people at the right time and place.  So I was looking forward to the party, but a little concerned that perhaps it wouldn’t live up to the very high expectations that my first experience had created.

The result though I can say without hesitation was really good.  It was a very different crowd this time (as many of the people I met in December are currently away on holidays) and the average age was also younger.  This created a different dynamic to the evening (with only me and my partner for the night doing an “open door” session for others to watch).

But the night was still very enjoyable and we met a lot of new and interesting people and had a great time.  Once again the atmosphere was absolutely positive and very supportive of the pleasure and comfort of the women who attended – just like last time.  And definitely non-sleazy

My partner for the night wasn’t thrilled with the effects of the Sybian last time, but we put that down to the fact that it was the first time for both of us and just went along to try again and enjoy the night.  The result though this time (with the addition of a mains powered Hitachi “ball” vibrator) was fantastic.  We only had one session with the Sybian due to the first one (and the play that followed it) just being so overwhelming for my partner that there wasn’t a need for a second round.

So, once again, well done Phil and Fleur, you host a great party (with excellent food and drink I might add) and I highly recommend anyone who is curious to book in for the next party (to be held on March 23rd).  You may learn something about yourself and your body.  And you will definitely have fun!

Go here: http://sweetsybiansydney.blogspot.com/ to book.

John.