Have you ever wondered?

I semi-regularly meet women who have only ever had sex with one partner in their lives. It’s not at all surprising, as most western cultures are (still) quite big on chastity and monogamy.

The reality of course is that very few people – let alone couples – are able to live happy fulfilling lives this way. So women will sometimes contact me asking for help to expand their horizons and give them a new experience of sex with another partner.

As the saying goes “You don’t know what you don’t know”. This is especially true of sex. Experience is a good thing. And you truly can’t imagine what sex can be like having had only one partner.

That’s not to say that the sex with your first and only partner is necessarily bad. Just that having nothing to compare it to, you really can’t say, one way or the other. Even having some not great sex with some other people can be beneficial – it lets you know exactly how good you already have it. There is no “grass is greener” quandary. You know which side of the fence is best.

My personal observation is that sex is always different with different people. It’s never the same – and with good reason. Different bodies, different desires, different experiences, different places in our lives. All of these things go toward the experience that we have of sex with different people.

So I am all for more experience – and it is of course something that I specialise in. If you have ever wondered what sex could be like with another man and you have reached the point in your life where you are ready, and need that experience, then it would be my pleasure to help.

John.

This image used in this post was created by Leo Hidalgo and is licensed under Creative Commons 2.0 – https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Sleeping naked

One of my favourite moments in the day is taking off my clothes and slipping into bed. I have slept naked since my teens. I hated the feeling of being tied up in pajamas, and even the constriction of briefs, was never comfortable for me. And that was long before I had the pleasure of sharing my bed with a woman.

It’s nice now to read an article like this one:

http://www.msn.com/en-au/health/medical/heres-why-you-should-be-sleeping-naked/ar-AAeECX7?li=AAabC8j

and learn that there are quantifiable physical and mental health benefits.

That’s all great. But it points to the larger issue that our society chooses to ignore – that is, our health and well being is dependent upon many things, like good sleep, eating well, exercising, lowering stress – and yes, having physical intimacy with another person.

If I go back through my blog I am sure that I have written about this issue more than once already, but it’s worth doing it again I think.

Western culture has us focusing our selves on goals like career, wealth, marriage, and possessions, tangible things that are easy to quantify and hard to deny. But my experience is that the things that make me and many other people happy are far less tangible. Caring, willing physical contact from another pperson is one of those things. We are taught not to value it, to even treat it as dirty or wrong. But the truth is that it’s both natural and at the end of the day necessary for our health.

Sadly it is often the first thing that gets pushed aside when external pressures like work and family begin to pile up. And it’s understandable that we may not feel like sex when we go to bed. Sex takes energy (physical and emotional), but sleeping naked, kissing your partner, cuddling them, holding them close skin to skin in bed does not. It’s worth remembering and (pardon the pun) embracing.

John.

A sex club for women…

Killing Kittens, is a “sex club” for women, started in the UK by Emma Sayle and now grown to 40,000 members world wide (now including Sydney). What can I say but “wow”. That’s impressive.

I read about it in this article.

The impressive thing is that Ms Sayle has created a club dedicated to sex for women and it has worked – (some) women actually enjoy it. It defies the stereotypes of women and their sexuality, and it tells us something real about what women want and what they are prepared to try if they feel safe and in control. That’s a really significant discovery.

Sayle’s club has a few rules:

  • Members only (AUD $200 per month approx.)
  • Only men who are part of a couple can attend
  • Men are not allowed to initiate sex, only the women can do that
  • All members are vetted for “attractiveness” (I am not too keen on this rule)

So Sayles has worked out the formula that allows (some) women to be comfortable with their sexuality, to engage with it, and to experience sex outside of the traditional sanctioned confines of a monogamous relationship. It’s great to know, because we can absolutely put to rest the notion that “men always/only want sex” but “women need to be in love to enjoy sex”.

It’s simply not true.

The truth is that everyone can enjoy sex. Men and women alike. But our upbringing, our personality, libido, health, stress, and more can all affect when, where, and how we want sex and are able to enjoy it. The problem is that modern life rarely prioritises making us healthy, happy, relaxed, and with time to spare. It’s a battle to pay bills, to raise children, to build careers, and often, just to get along. Sex loses out almost every time.

So, if there is a lesson to be learned from Emma Sayle and Killing Kittens, it seems to be that we need to look after ourselves and make time and space in our lives for our sexuality. This isn’t a new idea, and I am pretty sure that I have said it before. It is nice though to have Sayle’s experiment to support the idea that if we do, then men and women can enjoy sex as and when we want to.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the upcoming inaugural party in Sydney will cost $1200 per couple to attend!  That’s if you can make the guest list of course.

John.

Orgasmic Meditation, orgasm from penetration, and your vibrator

It’s time to write the post that needs to be written.

My first post about Orgasmic Meditation was on the whole positive. Since then I have attended one of their training courses (fun) and come to realise that the concepts behind OM are powerful, beneficial, and something that every woman and man should know about and understand. And preferably practice! I have used orgasmic meditation (or variations of it) with a number of my clients with success. My partner has declared that it is “ridiculously enjoyable” and that it has been transformative for our sex life (you are never too old to learn new ways to enjoy sex!).

So, orgasmic meditation gets a big tick. I highly recommend that you learn about it, perhaps attend one of their courses, join their online community if you need to find someone to do it with. And start enjoying being stroked!

There is however, in my opinion, one thing that you need to do first: THROW AWAY YOUR VIBRATOR!

Why? It’s this simple: vibrators are too powerful. They train your brain to be LESS sensitive to clitoral stimulation. They take away your ability to engage with and enjoy your body and the most specific pleasure that you can enjoy, that is stimulation of your clit.

When you try orgasmic meditation you will understand why. The whole technique is based around the lightest, most gentle touch possible of the woman’s clitoris. By contrast using a vibrator is like putting too much salt on your food. In the end you can only taste salt and you lose the ability to enjoy the subtle flavours and variations of unsalted food. Like wise, your vibrator is destroying your connection with your clit. Let me explain how. I read a recent study summarised here:

http://www.cell.com/current-biology/abstract/S0960-9822(14)01487-0

It showed that regular fine detail work with fingers – including playing musical instruments, or using a smart phone – resulted in greater brain activity in the areas of the brain related to sensing touch. I.e. when you use your finger tips to do something that requires a delicate touch, your brain responds by ramping up it’s sensitivity to the signals coming from that part of your body.

Your clitoris has upward of 8000 nerve endings, all packed into a tiny space. It is exquisitely receptive – more so than even your fingertips. But what you “feel” is dependent up whether or not your brain is “listening” to the signals properly. Extrapolating from the finding of the study mentioned above, it is reasonable to expect that using a vibrator, especially a powerful one for clitoral stimulation will allow your brain to become less attuned to the signals from you clit. After all, if you were extremely sensitive, then it could actually be painful to have that level of stimulation, so your body dials down the sensitivity progressively.

So. Orgasmic meditation – through the use of very, very gentle stimulation of the clitoris with the finger tip – should, I believe, result in an increase in brain activity and hence sensation and pleasure that a woman feels, in the same way that smart phone, or instrument use increases the sensitivity of people’s finger tips.

Practice orgasmic meditation enough, without undoing the good work by using a vibrator in between and I believe that it may actually allow almost any women to reach orgasm via penetration. I haven’t been able to test this theory yet, but I am seriously intent on finding out!

John.

The fallacy of “female viagra”

Today I saw this article in the Sydney Morning Herald that discusses the race to create a “female viagra”:

http://www.smh.com.au/good-weekend/multimillion-dollar-race-to-find-a-pink-viagra-20141121-11e1b6.html

There’s a saying that goes … “to a hammer, everything looks like a nail”.

Therefore it is no-surprise-at-all to me that pharmaceutical companies (who as a matter of course make drugs and sell them to people) would like to have a convenient pill to sell to women to alleviate their “sexual dysfunction”. Hammer/nail.

There are so many things wrong with this conversation about why women don’t want, or don’t enjoy sex that it’s hard to know where to begin. Perhaps the most pertinent place is with “male viagra” and to define what it really is, as opposed to what this article (and popular culture) think it is.

Viagra is the brand name that Pfizer gave the drug sildenafil. Sildenafil is a vasodilator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasodilation). In short, this means that it increases blood flow, particularly arterial blood flow (that conveniently carries blood to the penis). This is VERY, VERY useful if you are male, older, less fit, have poor circulation etc. It can make getting and sustaining an erection much easier. But it doesn’t create arousal.

So, viagra gets your blood flowing. But it does not create arousal. Let me say that again: viagra does not create arousal in a man. This is a common misconception, and one embodied in the title of this article. No arousal, no erection, no-matter how much viagra you have popped.

As implied by this article, men rarely suffer from a lack of desire and arousal for sex. What some men lack (due to age, and perhaps less than ideal health) is the blood flow to get and keep their penis hard. Women on the other hand often lack the arousal. Therefore it is pointless – in my opinion – to talk about a “female viagra”. Viagra works perfectly well on women as a vasodilator. The obvious problem is that this doesn’t do one damn thing to increase a woman’s level of arousal. It probably won’t hurt, but it’s not going to change a woman’s perception of someone who she don’t feel like having sex with.

What people who talk about female viagra are really talking about is developing a drug that makes women aroused (or some facsimile of). There is at least one very obvious problem here, so lets address it first: this is sounding seriously shady to me. We usually call these sorts of things “date rape” drugs. You know, things like rohipnol (who’s effects include: disinhibition and impaired judgment). If a woman can pop a pill to become aroused, then what is to stop someone else slipping them a pill to do the same?

I am sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be horrified to hear me characterise their work in this way, but at the end of the day making a pill that alters women’s state of mind to increase sexual arousal is a dangerous and very slippery slope. There is of course a common drug that already does this sort of thing. It’s called alcohol. Used in moderation it can be socially beneficial. Used inappropriately it can be disastrous – and people think that a more powerful version would be better?

A second problem is that, if you are trying to develop a drug that creates the physical responses of female arousal (like vaginal lubrication etc) then you are again missing the point. Having the physical indications of being ready for sex in no way guarantee that a woman will actually want to have sex with the man in front of her. Being wet, or having an erection doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex. Just that your body is ready to do so. Granted, for women who have issues with a lack of lubrication (as many women do post menopause for instance), then this could be a good thing. However that’s not really what the article, or the pharmaceutical companies are focusing on.

So, lets stop talking about “female viagra”. Lets instead have an adult discussion about why so many women don’t want sex. Or lose interest sexually in their partners as relationships age. Lets talk about how the concept of the “nuclear family” (and the social and physical isolation that causes) effects women’s libidos. Or about long work hours (for men and women), stress, debt, consumer culture, social dislocation, negative body image messages, hormonal contraceptives, lack of skill and interest from male partners, social pressure for “conventional” relationships, monogamy, and plenty more.  All of these things play a part in women having sex lives that are unfulfilled.

And that’s where the answers to the question of how to arouse women lie. Not in pills. Not in miracle cures. The problem of how to make a man’s erection last longer and be harder is trivial by comparison. Answering this question requires a revolution in both our thought and behaviour. It’s little wonder that people and business just want a pill! This stuff is hard, bordering on impossible to address. However, if we look hard at our lives, work out what really matters to us as people, then we can start to work on changing our lives to support those things. It’s not an easy thing to do for most of us, but that’s the reality of life. It is incumbent upon us all to find our own path.

John.

Orgasmic Meditation and the 15 minute orgasm

Ok, I admit it, the title of this post is click bait, but the title is important, as is the subject. I was recently shown an article in Sneaky Magazine, here that talked about a growing movement (?) from a US organisation called One Taste that teaches people (men and women working together) what they call orgasmic meditation.

From the One Taste website:

“Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice embracing and utilizing the sexual energy we all possess.

Courses at OneTaste teach you how to acknowledge the energy flowing through you, and then channel it into all areas of your life. The result? Your sex life improves, food tastes better, your connection to yourself and others deepen. Being TurnedOn means feeling the electricity of being alive.

Practitioners experience benefits similar to other mindfulness practices such as sitting meditation, as well as the well-known health benefits associated with orgasm. It’s deliberate and structured with repeatable results.

OM is profound, yet simple and you can have it whether you are single or coupled.”

So far so good. Mindfulness is a good thing. Being aware of one’s self, your emotions, and the sensations that you are experiencing here and now is an excellent foil to the noise, stress, and discord that modern life assails us with virtually all the time these days. Adding orgasm to mindfulness sounds extra good!

So, reading through the article, this is what I discover …

Orgasmic massage is basically clitoral masturbation of the woman (of course) by a partner (usually a man, perhaps its an American thing, but they don’t really talk about women performing the “stroking”, but I can’t see any reason why they couldn’t). For just 15 minutes. And according to the One Taste explanation, the 15 minutes is central to the whole concept.

Now this is where the click bait comes in to play. A session lasts for 15 minutes, from laying down and the woman spreading her legs so that her stroker can begin stroking to the hands off moment when you have to stop. No ifs, no buts. Now I know a few women who could probably reach orgasm in that time from just clitoral stimulation, but that’s a vanishingly small minority. And fair enough, with practice, perhaps you could learn to experience a version of orgasm that is long and slow and deep and last the whole 15 minutes. But this definitely doesn’t qualify as an orgasm as most of us know it. There simply isn’t time for most women to build to the required level of arousal and then peak in what we call orgasm.

In fact, I know plenty of women, who, if they could achieve orgasm within 15 minutes, would be pushing the stroking hand away straight afterward as orgasm leaves their clitoris overly sensitive and further touch is almost painful (much like most men don’t enjoy strong stimulation of their penis straight after orgasm and ejaculation).

So, the name Orgasmic Meditation is misleading. This isn’t about orgasm. It is about sexual pleasure. It is about mindfulness. It is about empowerment for women and taking control of their sexuality. All of these are very good things. But it’s not about orgasm.

So, slightly dodgy name aside, I think Orgasmic Meditation is a REALLY GOOD THING. If you are well in touch with your body, comfortable in your sexuality, and happy with your sex life, then it could be fun and may be useful. However, if things aren’t so great, then orgasmic meditation may be of real help to you. Here’s why:

The structure of the process (15 minutes, very specific touch, no sex, no expectations, total focus on the woman) means that the woman can let go of all of the stresses and expectations that she has learned or had imposed on her around sex. This is her time. It’s all about her. It’s about pleasure (from a sexual source), but it’s not about sex. She doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her partner, or really doing anything at all besides enjoying herself. Perhaps it’s like getting a manicure? Time when you are just indulging yourself and no-one else – and it feels really good too!

And the fact that there (probably) isn’t a recognisable form of orgasm involved for most women has another benefit: having had someone play with your pussy for 15 minutes will leave you “turned on” and wanting sex. That’s completely natural, and it’s no surprise to me that the energising effect of unresolved sexual arousal would flow through to other areas of your life.

At the end of the day I think that orgasmic meditation is a great idea. I can’t see how it can hurt anyone (unlike medication, alcohol, and extreme life changes), so why not try it out? I am planning on attending a course in the near future to get the training (although the instructional video on the One Taste website makes it look pretty simple really). I will make another post to describe the experience.

John.

Relationship choices and your sexuality

Everyone knows that: “women want sex less and are less promisuous than men – and men all want sex all the time and with anyone available”.

It’s a standard assumption about male and female sexuality in western society.  It is also untrue.  When you work in my industry your come to realise fairly quickly that most of what society tells you about sex and other people is wrong – you probably felt that it didn’t apply to you anyway, but there is always the suspicion that you might be the odd one out.

Well, thanks to science we have a chance to look beyond the assumptions, beyond the religious dogma, indoctrination, and social expectations.

I read two different articles recently – linked below.  One of them explained that when women answered questions about their sexual history and experience more honestly (when they didn’t feel a social pressure to give “acceptable” answers and thought that lying would be detected) they reported having, on average, 4.4 sexual partners in their lifetime.  Men on the other hand reported only 4.0 partners on average.

This turn our normal perception of men as sexually promiscuous and women as sexually conservative on its head.  Continue reading

Spanking – for pleasure and pain

When you think of “kinky stuff” spanking is probably one of the first things that comes to mind.  What may surprise you is that in real life spanking is a very popular form of play.  It’s easy, it can be very fun and it’s about as safe as kink gets.

I decided to write this article as spanking is something that I am getting more and more requests for.  Possibly due to the whole Fifty Shades phenomenon …

Continue reading

Women expect too much from men in bed?

Given my line of work, I really shouldn’t be so surprised to see this article in the Herald today …

http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/society-and-culture/why-women-expect-too-much-from-men-in-bed-20121114-29cgb.html

We live in a world where men and women seem to be constantly at war over our respective sexualities.  And there is no end in sight.

Articles like the one linked above demonstrate the simplistic views that many people hold.  And then try to foist on the rest of us.

Life is never simple, but if we are prepared to engage with our partner (male or female), understand what they want and need, and put in some effort to give it to them, then we may find that we get more back than we expected.

So lots of women loved Fifty Shades of Grey and it inspired them to start asking their partners for more in the bedroom?  I say that’s a good thing and something to be celebrated, not a cause for complaint.

John.

A little tied up …

We have all heard of “bondage” in sexuality culture – and books like Fifty Shades of Grey have brought bondage and discipline (almost) into the mainstream.  It conjures up images of black leather, wrist cuffs, and spanking paddles.  And for some of us (many in fact) who are not part of that scene, a little buzz of curiosity.

So lets clear a few things up: bondage only means restraint and it comes in a wide array of forms.  It doesn’t require or need to cause pain and it most certainly shouldn’t be abusive.

Lots of people like the idea of being restrained, especially when having sex, or as part of foreplay.  Giving up control can be a powerful aphrodisiac for men and women and can totally change the experience of sex and of a relationship.  Too often we see sex as a physical act with orgasm as the goal – there is nothing wrong with that (good honest sex is my stock in trade and I love it), but it is only one part of the story of sexuality and sticking just to that may leave us missing out on interesting, exciting, and enjoyable experiences.

The first thing that you must have if you are going to explore bondage (or any fetish that takes you outside of your normal boundaries) is trust in the person you are doing it with.  Trust is what lets you explore and have confidence that things won’t go too far, that limits will be respected, and when you say “enough” that your partner will respect your wishes.

Bondage comes in many different forms and like most things cerebral and emotional it “means” different things to different people.  I would like to just introduce some basics here to give you a taste of some of the different styles of bondage.

This image comes from Wikimedia Commons and can be found via the link on the image

The logical starting point is handcuffs (like a policeman might carry).  They are virtually a cliche, but they are packed with symbolism and can be a (cheap) simple and effective way of restraining someone.  Don’t forget that bondage is (mostly) about how it makes you (and your partner) feel, so the symbolism and cultural meaning in things like handcuffs can be a very big part of the experience.  Also we can usually get away with having a pair of handcuffs in the bedside table (people can usually laugh that off), but it might be a little harder to explain cuffed spreader bars …

This image comes from Wikimedia Commons and can be found via the link on the image

More advanced bondage of limbs comes from wrist and ankle cuffs.  I won’t begin to try to explain the variety of products available out there, there is simply too much.  The bottom line though is that wrist and ankle cuffs are great for serious players.  They can look sexy, feel good, provide serious entertainment and pleasure through the ritual of buckles and clasps, and they are safe and easy to work with allowing for fast release of restraint when desired.

This image comes from Wikimedia Commons and can be found by the link on the image

Rope is probably the oldest method of bondage and the shear variety of materials and techniques is overwhelming.  As a rock climber and sailer I have a natural affinity for rope, so of all of the methods of bondage, I would have to say that it is the one that appeals most to me.  I have recently been introduced (via the Xplore Sydney Festival) to the Japanese style of rope bondage called Shibari.  As with most things Japanese Shibari has become a highly ritualised, formalised and studied art. I have read that it was derived from techniques used by Samuri to restrain captives.

This image comes from Wikimedia Commons and can be found via the link on the image

Shibari goes beyond just restraint and makes binding the human body a work or art and beauty.  Shibari requires significant time and effort to learn as a practitioner to be able to do it well and safely (this is a very important aspect of Shibari), especially for advanced work like this suspension piece shown to the left.

Ultimately bondage – however you practice it – is about having challenging yourself and your partner, exploring your boundaries, and most of all having fun.  It can also be a good gateway to the fetish community, giving you the chance to discover a whole new world of erotic experiences and people.

If you are curious about bondage, then let me know.  I would be happy to chat about it, or if you are feeling brave to make some light restraint a part of our date.

John.