Will you see me if I’m pregnant?

I was recently asked the question “will you take a booking from someone who is pregnant?”. I realised that I have never addressed this question directly here on my website – so it’s definitely time to do that.

The answer is yes I am happy to see a client who is pregnant – but with this proviso: if you haven’t already done so – I ask you to talk to your doctor and midwife first and educate yourself about any possible risks to your pregnancy that having sex might incur and to only proceed if you are prepared to accept those risks.

This topic is timely as it fits in with my recent posts “I’ts ok to want what you want” – Part 1 and Part 2.

Wanting sex while you are pregnant is a normal and healthy thing. Yes it’s ok to have sex when you are pregnant. And it’s definitely ok to pay a person like me for sex if that is what you want.

For the people who jump to “How could someone do that to her husband when they are having a baby together!?” I would remind them – not all women who are pregnant are married. Not all women who are pregnant are in a heterosexual relationship. Not all people are jealous, or insecure, or possessive of their partner – some people actually have functional open relationships. And not all women who are pregnant can get the sex that they want and need from their partner.

At the end of the day, if you are pregnant and want to pay for sex – that is your decision and your’s alone – and I will be happy to take your booking.

John.

When we put all our eggs in one basket, sometimes they end up scrambled

I came across an article recently in The Guardian and it frustrated me enough that I needed to write about it.

From the article:

I have been with my partner for over a decade. We met in our early-20s through mutual friends. She was with another man at the time. Things were great to begin with, the thrill continued and we had an active and adventurous sex life. Unfortunately, within a couple of years – and unbeknown to me at the time – she had difficulties at work and seemingly lost all confidence. This led to our sex life falling off a cliff. I then became withdrawn, not understanding where the rejection was coming from and that made her feel worse.

The Guardian – Sex life has fallen
off a cliff

If you have had a long term relationship then it is almost certain that you have experienced something similar to what this couple are going through.

New relationships are fun, exciting, arousing, thrilling. And can give you fantastic sex. 

Over time though this always changes in a close relationship. Often in a good way. The connection between you becomes deeper and less superficial. You can relax more as you build trust with each other. 

But you will also lose the excitement and hot passion that comes with a new person, a new body, and exciting sex. 

If you are lucky then it matures into something more comfortable and deeper. If you’re not lucky then you experience something like the couple in this article. Work, money, children, and family among other things can all impact on your relationship, but your sex life with your partner will probably be the hardest hit.

Physical and emotional stress is a killer for libido. It’s even worse though when that issue is directly between you and the person you are having sex with. We can’t expect to have great sex when one or both of us is unhappy with the other. But – because of the way conventional relationships are structured – we still have the expectation that we should be able to have good sex regardless of whatever else is going on in our relationship.

That makes no sense at all.

The even sadder part is that – like the couple in the article – when our sexual connection fails as a couple, that can make the whole situation even worse.

I was disappointed by the advice provided to the person writing about his experience “Try to sooth yourself”? “Try to be gentle with yourself”? “Your strong desire to achieve relational and personal healing will eventually find its rewards.”

That isn’t helpful advice. They are platitudes that give no suggestions for helpful action and assume the only way to have a successful relationship is to follow the “normal” script of monogamy and suffering because in the long term it might get better on its own. No. This is in my opinion bad advice.

Let’s go back to basics. Relationships can be good or bad, but usually they are somewhere in between. Unfortunately we boobytrap our relationships by going into them with a requirement of monogamy, an inability to discuss actual needs, and no preparedness to make changes when things go wrong. So when we reach the point where our relationship is in crisis we have no tools to try to fix it with.

Imagine instead an open relationship where the subject of the article was able to have sex with someone other than just his partner – who is clearly going through some serious life stresses. It might be another partner, a friend with benefits, or a sex worker – it doesn’t matter what – as long as he wasn’t feeling cast into a pit of rejection, which then fed back on his partner and made her feel even worse.

In that scenario he would still rightly miss and mourn sex with his partner – but because he wasn’t feeling totally rejected, he may have been able to actually concentrate on her and support her in the way that she needed – helping her and bringing them closer together rather than pushing them apart.

There is nothing radical about this idea. It is in fact the solution that many people implement all the time when they have affairs, or see sex workers. It’s just that they didn’t start out their relationship with that safety net in place.

Many of my clients are women who love their partners and are very happy in their relationships. They don’t want to leave them. But they need good sex in their lives to be happy. So they come to me to get it – safely and discretely – sometimes they are able to discuss and negotiate their needs with their partner and see me openly, but that is rare, because for most of us, our relationships are built on “conventional” assumptions that are never discussed until we find ourselves in crisis.

So what would my advice to the subject of the article be?

  1. Get your sexual needs fulfilled outside of the relationship to short circuit the death-spiral of rejection that you are both going through – even better if you can discuss it with her (including giving her the same opportunity – who knows, having the attention of someone new might even help her with her self esteem and confidence). But definitely don’t try to do it together! Swinging is not the answer here. It might be fun down the line when this issue is resolved, but it won’t help while you are both tied in knots over sex and each other. Do your own thing for a while, have fun, rediscover yourself
  2. You both have issues that you need to work out to be happy people in and of yourselves. Getting therapy is good, but it sounds like you both need to take a hard look at your lives and ask the difficult questions: what do I really want out of my life? Can I get it in this relationship – and job? Once those questions are answered – honestly – then you have a basis to decide if the relationship is something you want to save and if so, what part in it sex with each other can play.

This is just my opinion based on my experiences both as a sex worker and personally – but I really think that when sex is a problem between people, it’s rarely the actual problem. It’s far more likely a symptom of a larger problem that then creates it’s own complications. So the best thing to do is take sex out of the equation. Get it somewhere else for however long you need to so that it’s not sabotaging your relationship. Then, with a clear head and a mollified libido you will be in a better position to fix the real problems.

John.

Ali Wong on oral sex

Ali Wong is pretty funny (you can look her up on Netflix and Youtube) and I can totally understand her position on oral sex and refusing to trade in her husband. It’s hard finding a man who’s good at oral sex. It is really hard! And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that, because most women I meet tell me exactly that.

Oral sex has been something of a speciality for me for all of my adult life and I cannot for the life of me understand why men who like having sex with women and wish that more women would have sex with them, don’t make it their mission to give the best oral sex they possibly can!

I mean come on guys – it’s a crowd pleaser. You may not be tall dark and hansom, well hung, wealthy and connected, or whatever cliché is meant to make us attractive, but if you can give a woman good oral, that’s going to leave an impression.

And seriously – if you are going to expect her to give you oral – then it’s only polite to give as good (or better) than you get.

It’s not hard. But it takes effort. It may not be a favourite thing to do (which I really don’t understand personally), but why wouldn’t you put yourself out for your partner’s pleasure?

John.

Too many women have never experienced oral sex

It happened again. I met a woman who had never experienced oral sex from a partner. Not just “never had good oral sex” – but “never had it ever”.

How – in the twenty first century is this possible?

Men – I’m looking at you – you need to do better.

I mean the whole “I-want-a-blowjob-from-you-but-I’m-not-prepared-to-reciprocate” hypocrisy is bad enough. But to have never even tried it – not once – is unforgivable as a sexual being – as a man (I’m pretty sure that lesbians and bi women have this covered). We are well past the “vaginas are scary and full of magic” stage of human social evolution. We all know that oral sex is perfectly safe and healthy and normal to do.

So why aren’t more men making good oral sex skills a priority in their sex lives? I don’t have an answer to this question. I am perplexed.

I love giving oral sex. If I have a “kink” then that is probably it. I personally find it very arousing, and derive great pleasure and satisfaction from giving a woman oral sex – and hopefully an orgasm if that is what she wants.

Not all men share my enthusiasm apparently.

Which is a loss for their partners – but also for them! If you don’t give oral sex then that’s something that you yourself are missing out on, along with your partner. It’s another thing that you can share with your partner. It makes the range of sexual experiences that are possible greater. Isn’t that an excellent thing for every one?

And it may just get you a blowjob in return… I mean that’s got to be worth some investment, right?

At the end of the day I guess that this just highlights how limited many men’s view of sex is. It honestly makes me sad – for the women who don’t get the sex that they want and need to be happy and fulfilled and for the men who are living with impoverished sex lives.

We can do better as a society if we are prepared to have real conversations (and education) about sex.

John.

Help for couples with no sex experience – guidance and instruction about massage, touch, tantra, mutual oral, virginity, and more

Not everyone who gets married has the sexual confidence and experience that they might like to have. It’s quite common for younger couples especially. Perhaps you come from a conservative culture and background, perhaps you just never had the chance to learn. It doesn’t matter how it happened – and it doesn’t mean you have to live with not knowing.

For many years now I have offered lessons to single women to help teach them about their body and help them explore their sexuality. I have also occasionally seen couples with similar needs, but I haven’t really written about this before and I thought that I should.

So here’s the bottom line – if you are a couple and one or both of you are inexperienced with sex (or even never had sex at all) then I can help you with practical instruction. I’m not a therapist who will just talk to you about what to do. As a straight male sex worker for women, I can provide practical experience in any area that you want to explore and gain confidence in. I can guide you and your partner through all of the things that you want to learn. I can demonstrate techniques (like how to give great oral sex to each other) showing both of you what works and how to learn about what each other likes. I can answer any questions that you have but don’t know who and how to ask.

My courses generally start with the simplest thing of all: touch. It can be literally just touching your partner’s body, it can be massage – which is a great way to explore and arouse your partner, it can be more sophisticated and sensual like intimate touch. I can show you all of these things and you can practice them with me and get feedback about how you are doing and improve your skills.

An extension of touch is oral sex. It’s an excellent way for a man to help his female partner to reach orgasm if she has trouble doing so through other means. I am very skilled in this area and can teach a man all of the techniques that he needs to be able to satisfy his partner. Conversely, I can show a woman how to touch her partner’s penis and teach her the techniques that make for great oral sex for him.

Are you a couple, newly married, and want to learn how to give each other erotic massage? I can help you with that. I can teach you how to give a massage that starts out relaxing and enjoyable, then builds up to sensual, creating lots of sexual tension and getting you both ready for some great sex…

Some couples are even in the position where one or both of them are virgins – have never experienced penetrative sex. I have met a couple from India in this situation in the past. This can be very stressful for both of you, but it’s a situation that I have been in many times and I can show you how to have sex for the first time without it being painful and help you to learn to make it great.

Techniques like tantra are especially good for couples to allow them to connect deeply and to make the sex that you have last as long as you want and to make it very satisfying. I can show you these things too.

Once you have the basics worked out, you might want to learn and experience more. If that’s the case, then I can help with that too. Advanced positions for sex, games like spanking, blindfolds, light BDSM. Anything that you can think of, I can help with practical guidance and instruction.

There is so much to explore for new couples and couples new to sex and I can be your guide. Safe. Knowledgeable. Discreet.

You can drop me a text, or email, or call me any time to discuss with no obligation and no risk.

John.

Do you want to know a secret?

A lot of people want to star in their own erotica – usually for their own enjoyment and private consumption. It’s a lot like boudoir photography really, only… more so.

A scene from one of my short erotic films

And why not? Why wouldn’t we want to create something beautiful of ourselves – alone, or with another person? It’s fun. And it’s a celebration of our sexuality. These are good things. Valuable things to have in our lives that all too often are put last in our day to day priorities.

It is odd to me that while we live in a society where sexuality and beauty are promoted and used in the media all the time that – as individuals – we are also discouraged from creating our own erotica. It’s like we are being told about (and sold) our own beauty, while being discouraged from celebrating that beauty and enjoying it.

One of the best things I have learned about human nature working in my industry is this: you are more attractive than you believe. Every day, through sex work Twitter I see my peers – of all shapes, sizes, and ages taking the risk of putting themselves out there in the world to offer their services. And while we can’t please everyone, I am inevitably delighted by the flood of people who love whatever someone is.

Photography and film making are a big part of my life and I have really enjoyed working with people I have met to create beautiful, erotic images with them.

So if you have ever wondered… If you have ever thought that maybe you would like to see the sexy you… Then I would be happy help.

John.

“I never thought that I would be doing this…”

John Oh portrait

A regular refrain that I hear from new clients is: “I never thought that I would be doing this…”.

Growing up, we are fed narratives about how life is going to be, from before we can even understand the concepts. Fairy tales are full of “happily ever after” tropes that the real world simply cannot ever deliver to us.

I want to talk about who we are as humans and how finding yourself in a situation where you are considering paying for sex – that while it might feel like a kind of failure, if we listen to the fairy tales – is in fact the exact opposite. It represents personal power, choice, and liberation. Not lack of choice and failure.

But that’s not how society at large sees the choice of buying sex. Most of my clients won’t confide in anyone that they are seeing a sex worker for fear of judgement. And that is a very reasonable assumption to make. People, especially when they are unsure if they themselves may be judged, will revert to expressing conservative values to be safe.

If you are having a conversation with a group of people about sex and possibly sex work, then the group assumption will be that expressing an overt interest in sex is a bad thing. So everyone will try to avoid sounding too interested.

However, there may be one person who is prepared to take a bit of a stand and challenge the group narrative. And while you can be sure that some people in the group really are conservative about sex, you can also be certain that some, like you, aren’t!

It is a sad truth that many of us (most even?) live our lives wanting to explore our sexuality, but not having people to talk to about it, let alone do it with.

This really needs to change. There are some small signs that things are changing – like therapists starting to refer women to me. But in general, we remain conservative and cautious about sex and sexuality when we are in groups.

For some people though – the women and couples who I meet through my work – they reach a point where they need to act. They don’t want to upend their lives, marriages, or family to be able to explore their sexuality further, but they also don’t want to live their lives wonder “what could be…”.

So, like most problems these days, people turn to Google and some of them land here on my website.

If you have made it this far – congratulations! – that is I think the hardest part. Once we realise that we can take control of our sexuality, then it’s just a matter of finding the right solution for you.

For some people it’s Tinder. Or that person at work you always felt was interested. For others though, a sex worker is ideal – we are safe, we are discrete, we are convenient, we are experienced, and most of all we are non-judgmental.

So what is the lesson here?

For me it is: “society” doesn’t want you to own your sexuality. It definitely doesn’t want you to explore it in ways that don’t align with “traditional values and systems” (like marriage and monogamy). And it will always try to police you to make you conform.

The good news is that once you realise that you don’t have to comply with society, then the options available to you to find sexual fulfillment are wide open – and if sex workers are appropriate for you, then we are here and ready to help.

John.

I’m sorry I’ve been away – and how cool is it to be free to buy sex?

Those of you who visit my website regularly my be disappointed that I haven’t been posting here very much recently.  For that, I am sorry.  I intend to do better in the future!

To be honest, I have been distracted from writing for this site by a lot of things.  Traveling with clients for longer bookings has become a large part of my business.  I have also been dedicating some of my free time to photography and film making pursuits.  And most recently I have been spending time working on a series of daily short films about sex work advocacy.  It’s a topic that is very important to me and has become more so in recent times.

So all of these things have combined to leave precious little time and mental energy for writing these blog posts.  I intend to redress that balance and post more regularly.

Apropos my advocacy short films, we are living in strange times for sex worker, sex workers, and our clients.  Around the world regimes like the US, France, Canada, and others have been becoming more conservative about sex work, cracking down on it in the name of protecting workers (ironic I know) and fighting human trafficking (disingenuous at best).

Here in Australia generally, and New South Wales in particular we are incredibly lucky.  For reasons I can only partly explain, Australian politicians have become some of the most forward thinking in the world (along with our friends in New Zealand).  They have, for the most part, allowed sex workers and our clients to go about our business without judgement or interference (apart from South Australia where it is still illegal to sell sex and Queensland where, while legal, workers are harassed by police routinely).

I can’t express how important this is to women and to the industry of men like myself providing sex work services to women.  It’s a cliche that “men see sex workers”.  It’s something that society (sort of) accepts and generally turns a blind eye to – but definitely frowns upon.  But the idea of women seeing sex workers is still a “fresh” and controversial one.  To confirm that, just take a look at the tone of articles in the main stream media about the subject (it comes up semi regularly).  It’s usually somewhat breathless and lauds women paying for sex as leaders and ground breaking.  Which to some degree is true at the individual level – but the industry is well established and it’s really time that the conversation moved on from “Wow! She paid for sex…”.

For women in Australia and New Zealand, paying for sex is something they can choose to do at least without having to fear that they are breaking the law.  There are multiple reasons that some (most?) men may not be put off by barriers of legality, but I get the feeling that this is a bigger barrier for women.  So I am grateful that I live and work in a society that has removed another barrier from equality (or at least equal accessibility to sex work) for women.

As a result more and more women are choosing to explore their sexuality with sex workers (male and female).  A week doesn’t go by that I hear someone lament the failure that is “online dating”.  Tinder et al promised egalitarian access to sex for women, but in reality have just become deserts of bad male behaviour, even accentuating some of the worst traits.  Sex workers by contrast are a safe and convenient way to explore and learn when someone isn’t actively looking for a partner, or has a specific need to fill.

In recent times I have noticed and increase in the number of women looking for lessons on sexual techniques, like kissing, giving oral sex, erotic massage, and more.  This may be younger women with less experience wanting to improve their skills for potential partners – or older women, already in relationships who want to add some spice, or just be better lovers for their partners.

I think that it is fantastic that women are taking control of their sexuality, not just for personal pleasure, but as a means of improving their relationships.  Once again, sex work is showing that women not only love sex, but are perhaps *more* prepared than men to explore its possibilities.  I regularly hear clients say “I wish I could bring my husband to you to learn how to give oral”.

Well men – it’s time you lifted your game.  Your partners are out here, putting themselves out to learn how to give you better oral.  It’s time you returned the favour!  I can teach any man to give better oral sex.  To express more passion.  To be a better lover.

So while other countries are busy alternately deifying and vilifying sex and ultimately just leaving their citizens confused and unhappy about their sexuality, Australia and New Zealand are simply moving forward, making sexuality just another part of our lives.  Something to be respected, but also savored.

Thank you Australia.  I am lucky to live – and work – here.

Have you ever wondered?

I semi-regularly meet women who have only ever had sex with one partner in their lives. It’s not at all surprising, as most western cultures are (still) quite big on chastity and monogamy.

The reality of course is that very few people – let alone couples – are able to live happy fulfilling lives this way. So women will sometimes contact me asking for help to expand their horizons and give them a new experience of sex with another partner.

As the saying goes “You don’t know what you don’t know”. This is especially true of sex. Experience is a good thing. And you truly can’t imagine what sex can be like having had only one partner.

That’s not to say that the sex with your first and only partner is necessarily bad. Just that having nothing to compare it to, you really can’t say, one way or the other. Even having some not great sex with some other people can be beneficial – it lets you know exactly how good you already have it. There is no “grass is greener” quandary. You know which side of the fence is best.

My personal observation is that sex is always different with different people. It’s never the same – and with good reason. Different bodies, different desires, different experiences, different places in our lives. All of these things go toward the experience that we have of sex with different people.

So I am all for more experience – and it is of course something that I specialise in. If you have ever wondered what sex could be like with another man and you have reached the point in your life where you are ready, and need that experience, then it would be my pleasure to help.

John.

This image used in this post was created by Leo Hidalgo and is licensed under Creative Commons 2.0 – https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Sleeping naked

One of my favourite moments in the day is taking off my clothes and slipping into bed. I have slept naked since my teens. I hated the feeling of being tied up in pajamas, and even the constriction of briefs, was never comfortable for me. And that was long before I had the pleasure of sharing my bed with a woman.

It’s nice now to read an article like this one:

http://www.msn.com/en-au/health/medical/heres-why-you-should-be-sleeping-naked/ar-AAeECX7?li=AAabC8j

and learn that there are quantifiable physical and mental health benefits.

That’s all great. But it points to the larger issue that our society chooses to ignore – that is, our health and well being is dependent upon many things, like good sleep, eating well, exercising, lowering stress – and yes, having physical intimacy with another person.

If I go back through my blog I am sure that I have written about this issue more than once already, but it’s worth doing it again I think.

Western culture has us focusing our selves on goals like career, wealth, marriage, and possessions, tangible things that are easy to quantify and hard to deny. But my experience is that the things that make me and many other people happy are far less tangible. Caring, willing physical contact from another pperson is one of those things. We are taught not to value it, to even treat it as dirty or wrong. But the truth is that it’s both natural and at the end of the day necessary for our health.

Sadly it is often the first thing that gets pushed aside when external pressures like work and family begin to pile up. And it’s understandable that we may not feel like sex when we go to bed. Sex takes energy (physical and emotional), but sleeping naked, kissing your partner, cuddling them, holding them close skin to skin in bed does not. It’s worth remembering and (pardon the pun) embracing.

John.