PSA for men: you need to listen to her body

It’s great to be enthusiastic and want to do all of the things to give your partner a great time when you have sex, but guys – you also have to listen to her body (as well as her words).

She might LOVE receiving oral sex, but the way that you are doing it – whatever that may be – might not be right for her at this moment. “Normally” perhaps she likes it firm and direct on her clit – but that might only be after a bunch of low key foreplay kissing and cuddling and touching and rubbing that got her plenty aroused and ready. However this time things advanced faster for whatever reason so here you are going down on her without so much “warm up”.

That’s ok – but you may need to go slower and more gently until she is ready for that full on clit stimulation – and her body (if not her words) will be telling you that. Is she as wet as you would expect? Is she more sensitive? Ok, then slow down and spend more time circling around her inner thighs, mons pubis, and labia before you “…rush like a bull at a gate for her clitoris!” (to quote Monty Python).

Conversely, when you are in the middle of oral, or sex and you feel her muscles tensing in her thighs and abdomen – don’t stop what you are doing – it’s working! And don’t change what you are doing – don’t go faster/harder/slower/softer – what you are doing is working, just keep doing that. If she wants more or less, then, again, her body will let you know.

Sex isn’t something that we are naturally born good at. It is a skill that we learn – and an important way to learn is to listen to all of the feedback that you are getting.

John

Do you want to be more confident in bed?

I know – it sounds like the subject line from a spam email, but it’s a serious question. Over the years I have met many women who lacked confidence in their bodies, their attractiveness, their sexual knowledge, and their abilities to please a lover.

These concerns are so common that I even offer a course to help teach the skills and give women the opportunity to practice them in a safe, controlled environment.

Many people make the assumption that sex – being natural and normal between people – is something that everyone (except for them!) just knows how to do. In reality none of us know anything more than what we see others doing (usually porn of some form) and what we experience ourselves.

So if you have little or no experience then sex can be really intimidating.

This is why I offer my course. I want everyone who wants to be confident in bed to have a place they can go to learn the skills they want to have.

This is the course outline that I use as a starting point to plan out lessons when you book with me…

Potential topics:

  • Touch (clothed)
  • Kissing (lips)
  • Undressing
  • Touch (naked)
  • Cuddling
  • Hair
  • Erotic massage
  • Body slide/full body touch
  • Kissing (full body)
  • Reading your partner
  • Intimate touch
  • Giving oral sex
  • Receiving oral sex
  • Masturbation
  • Edging
  • “Showing off” / being seen
  • Penetrative sex, positions, rhythm, flow
  • Anal play, giving and receiving
  • Anal sex, giving and receiving
  • Spanking
  • After care

You can pick as many or as few items as you want. If it’s a short list then we can probably cover it in one or two sessions of two hours each. If it’s a longer list then it will require more.

You can of course add any topic that you might be interested in that isn’t listed here.

I prefer to keep lessons to two hours with a break in the middle as that is a length of time that is enough without being too much to handle physically and mentally.

So if you want to improve your confidence, or broaden your knowledge then why not drop me a line with your educational wish list!

John

Yoni massage

If you have spent any time learning about, or in the sex positive community then you have probably come across the term “yoni massage”, but you may not be familiar with what it actually means.

While browsing YouTube recently I watched a video on the topic that I thought was quite a good explanation.

In short yoni massage is the massaging of the area of the mons pubis, inner thighs including vulva and the perineum, and inside the vagina. For a more detailed explanation the video does a great job.

If you are thinking about booking a session with a straight male sex worker like myself, but you aren’t sure if you want to go all the way to having penetrative sex then a yoni massage might be a great middle ground to give you an intense erotic experience without being too challenging!

It can be a very enjoyable form of foreplay or it can be an entire experience in an of itself. It can also be a great starting point for a woman who is a virgin and wants to have sex for the first time (or for the first time in a long while), but would like to build up to the experience of vaginal penetration.

John

Why would a doctor prescribe a vibrator?

So today I learned that as women age the nerves in their clitoris that detect soft touch can deteriorate and degrade a woman’s ability to feel soft and gentle stimulation. However – there is another type of nerve that detects strong stimulation like vibration that is more durable and less likely to be damaged over time.

This is good news for women who through the process of aging find themselves less able to enjoy soft, gentle stimulation. Vibrators exist and it’s ok to use one and enjoy the results.

I learned this very useful information from this article:

https://www.aarpethel.com/health/why-would-a-doctor-prescribe-a-vibrator

I think that it is worth a read for any woman who finds herself in this situation, experiencing a loss of sensation as she gets older.

There is an addendum to add here though!

If you use a very strong vibrator and you use it a lot and you find that it is becoming less effective – then it’s time to dial it down and reset your responsiveness. Very strong stimulation will cause your body and brain to react and “turn down the volume”. It’s not permanent and is easy enough to reset by lowering the stimulation level and letting your body adjust to the new, lower level of stimulation.

John

There is a problem with antidepressants

Disclaimer – I am not a doctor. Please don’t take anything I say here as medical advice. Check with your doctor before you make any decisions about using antidepressants.

Over the years I have met a lot of women who have been taking SSRI antidepressants (selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors). Many of them have, as a side effect, found it either very difficult, or impossible to reach orgasm while taking these medication – and the effects don’t just disappear as soon as you stop taking an SSRI, it can take time and may leave you experiencing sexual stimulation differently.

Everyone has to make the decision that is right for them about the medication that they take, whether they can accept the side effects given the benefits etc. My problem is that doctors seem to down play, or not explain – or possibly not even know – many of the side-effects of the medications that they are prescribing. 

In the case of SSRI’s I believe that the effects on sexual function are seen as virtually irrelevant by many doctors and are rarely explained.  You could reasonably say that treating the symptoms of depression, which can be very serious, are more important than a woman being able to have an orgasm.  But that is treating depression in a very narrow way and in my opinion overlooks the benefits of a healthy sex life.

SSRIs tend to smooth out emotional swings, preventing the huge dips and also preventing the highs, but it should also be recognised that taking away what is a very intimate pleasure – being able to achieve orgasm – can be extremely distressing. 

We shouldn’t – in my opinion – be sacrificing one thing for another – or, at the very least, making sure that people are *fully* aware of the consequences of taking the medication that they are being prescribed before they start to take it.

John

Sensual afternoon…

Would you like to slow down for a little while? Take a bath together… Spend some time exploring touch and kissing… Then going further…

I wanted to make a film that showed how a booking with me might look and feel. It took a lot of talk and planning and effort to create something that we are both happy with – but we succeeded – and I hope that you enjoyed it too.

Making this film with Emelia was a journey that I am proud to have been a part of and to have shared with her. I am proud to share this special film with the world.

I have been wanting to create a film for John’s website for a while now however, I have always had some hesitation and insecurities about my appearance not being good enough especially when I am naked in the bedroom.

Being a late forties, size 12,  petite A cup breasted women with cellulite to my body in particular to my thighs and buttocks on most days, I am ashamed to look at myself naked in the mirror.

It took several conversations and reassurance from John that with the right lighting and camera angles, my body would indeed look sexy for me to finally agree with myself that I was brave enough to make the film with him.

I am hoping that prospective clients watching the film will see that John provides a safe and non judgemental environment regardless of your age, body type, disability, or background.

It’s a place where you can experience immense pleasure, explore and grow in your own sexuality.

Thank you John for allowing me to create this with you. I am more confident within myself and the mirror now sees a body that is unique and beautiful in it’s own way.

I would like to say thank you to Emelia for her courage and generosity both to me and to the women who might be struggling with their self image in similar ways to her.  You are all beautiful and sexy just the way you are.

John

PSA for men and women – Sometimes SHE’S the one who will come too quickly!

So.  Most women take more than an minute of two to reach orgasm.  Some however can cum much quicker.  There is a group of women for whom this isn’t a problem as they can just orgasm again and again in waves.  However for women who generally only climax once (and then become highly sensitive, or just experience their arousal naturally decreasing) holding off that one big orgasm actually becomes central to a sexual experience that is satisfying and intense.

As someone who has experienced and had to overcome the curse of premature ejaculation I feel this is a topic that I can add some value to.

The problem for most men is that we are used to women who are the other way around and require a strong stimulation and a long build up.  So that’s what we tend to assume a woman needs and wants.

What really helps at this point is some direction from her – a quick “I cum really easily and I’d like to hold off until XYZ” lets us know to go slowly and gently and just tease and edge her.  I find this really fun to do.  It’s a challenge to read her body and moderate my efforts as she gets close to orgasm, then increase them again as she drifts back…

There are also some things that the woman can do as well to slow herself down.  Just like a man with premature ejaculation the techniques are simple and when practiced can produce positive results quite quickly.

  1. Open your eyes – this helps to reduce any fantasy that may be running through your head and pushing you along faster. That was a big help to me when I was dealing with this issue myself
  2. Relaaaaaax – specifically your pelvic floor muscles. Pelvic floor tension is a great way for women who have trouble reaching orgasm to push themselves along. If you have the opposite problem, then relaxing your pelvic floor will help to slow things down
  3. Breath out the tension – similar to the point above, breathing helps you to relax your muscles and mind and that helps delay orgasm
  4. Stay in the experience – don’t try to distract yourself by “thinking boring thoughts”, stay with the experience, stay in your body and experience the pleasure, but recognise that it feels good, but not *too* good…
  5. Be aware of your arousal level – spend some time really concentrating on your arousal level and noticing what builds it and reduces it. The better we are at recognising where we are the easier it is to employ the techniques above to moderate or boost our arousal as and when we need and want to
  6. You need a partner to help you practice – you can start this process on your own, but as with men, having an understanding partner to help you develop your skills will make it easier and quicker and probably get you a better result in the end.

Ultimately practice and a dedication to changing the way your sexual response is wired is the key. Practice the techniques and you will see change. Practice enough and you will get to where you want to be – with control over your arousal level and able to choose when you are ready to let go and have your orgasm.

John

PSA for men – when you are giving her oral and she is close to orgasm…

Giving oral sex to women is one of my favourite things to do.  It always has been and I am generally told I am pretty good at it.  And most women can reach orgasm with me that way.

But there’s a trick to helping a woman orgasm from oral sex – it’s something that I think I have always done instinctively, but according to a number of women I have asked, many men just don’t understand it.

The trick, is to be consistent – don’t change your style when she is getting close to orgasm!

So you need to be aware of what that looks and feels like. There are many signs (but be aware that not all women will show them, so a little help sometimes from her saying she’s getting close can be good), arching her back, tensing her stomach muscles and thighs, her vagina clenching, change in pitch and tone of her voice and breathing…

It’s all there to read if you pay attention – and that is when you really, really need to just keep doing what you are doing for her. No need to go faster or harder – what you are doing is working, so just KEEP DOING IT!

Most of the time with most women she will continue to sail on to have an orgasm and all will be right in the world.

There’s a lot more I could say about giving good oral sex, but that’s a story for another time. This PSA was just about the ending – and making it as happy as possible!

John

Is there something that you particularly love, hate, or just wish that men new about sex? Drop a comment or an email john@john-oh-escort.com and I’ll do a PSA on it.

More about pregnancy, sex, and seeing a sex worker

After I posted a few weeks ago about women who are pregnant and wanting to see a sex worker I had a conversation on the topic with a woman who is a midwife. Since she is a medical professional I thought I would share some of her thoughts about sex while pregnant – with the warning of course that you must talk to your doctor or midwife about these issues and not rely solely on anything I write here. While this information may be relevant generally, it may not be right for you, so please take the time to discuss it further with the professionals you trust. Hopefully it can act as a starting point for an informative conversation.

So the main point that was made to me was that I made it sound like having “sex while pregnant is inherently risky for everyone whereas there are really only a couple of specific conditions where we recommend not having sex”. I may have made it sound more risky with my disclaimer, but I do so because I want to be quite clear that I’m not giving medical advice and not qualified to do so.

So there you have it – what you need to be doing specifically is determine if you have any specific condition that might make sex a risk to your pregnancy.

Some more directly practical things I was told to be aware of included: breasts and nipples can be extra tender. This can actually be a good thing for enjoying sex as it can equate, for some women, to greater sensitivity and pleasure.

Breasts can leak colostrum. Certainly something to be aware of, it might give your partner a surprise if they/you like having your nipples sucked!

Orgasm can cause painless tightening of the uterus. I have read in the past that this is one of the bodies ways of helping to recover from pregnancy and childbirth.

Importantly – the cervix can be more vascular, so inadvertent touching of it – say through deep penetrative sex – can occasionally cause superficial bleeding. This is a very good thing to know as I expect that unexpected bleeding could be concerning.

Another problem with deep penetration, especially later in pregnancy, is that it can become uncomfortable. So if that’s something you and your partner like then expectations may need to be adjusted for a while!

Lastly – and this I was not aware of at all – is that when a pregnancy is very advanced, laying on your back for extended periods can cause a drop in blood pressure due to weight of the uterus pressing on the major blood vessels. So laying on your side for sex is a good alternative to missionary position later in a pregnancy.

For my part I want to add this – whatever your situation is and needs are, if you want to see me then I am very happy to discuss them and work with you to give you a safe and enjoyable experience.

John.

What to do when your sex life is not what you want it to be

I recently met a young woman who had a problem.  She was interested in sex, had had sex, but hadn’t enjoyed it much.  She wanted my help to try to “light the fire” so to speak, get more experience, gain confidence in her body and skills.

All of these things are excellent goals and generally they are things that I can help a person with – and have over the years.

What I have learned though is that these issues are rarely just a matter of inexperience.  They stem from our lives as a whole and as such there is no quick fix, but a road to self discovery that may be more or less long for each of us.  And especially in the case of sex – it’s not the destination that really matters, it’s the journey.

So here are some things that I think are worth exploring if your sex life is not what you want it to be…

  • What are your actual issues?
  • Anti-depressants and hormonal imbalance and their impact on libido and sex
  • Maybe you’re just not into sex?
  • Body image/self image
  • Masturbation and self pleasure
  • Inexperience and how to overcome it – being scared because you are inexperienced
  • The people you are “attracted” to versus the person you need
  • or – Romance and relationships versus good sex (they rarely go hand in hand and you shouldn’t try to force one on the other)
  • Work/life balance and where to find a partner
  • Whatever body you have – there is someone out there that loves what you are

What are the actual issues?

It’s a truism that we “don’t know what we don’t know” – it’s especially true when we have issues around our sex.  This is where I think that talking to a professional is the best place to start.  I am not a therapist, so while I understand human nature and am good at engaging with people to help them explore their sexuality, I cannot diagnose and treat emotional and physical issues.  I leave that to the professionals.

So if you have a low libido, anxiety, difficulty making connections with potential partners etc, then I highly recommend that you talk to a therapist.  Here in Australia at least, you can get ten free sessions with a therapist – just ask your GP for a “mental health plan” and tell them which therapist you would like to see and they will do the rest.  You have nothing to lose by doing this and possibly much to gain.

Low libido might be caused by stress (very common), a hormone imbalance, or something else that you and I have no idea about.  Spending time with a sex worker won’t fix these things and may even make the situation worse if the thing that you have paid good money for that you expect to help, doesn’t.  Better to fix the problem at its source and have a strong base to build upon!

Anti-depressants and hormonal imbalance and their impact on libido and sex

I won’t talk about the effectiveness of anti-depressants for their proscribed purpose – but I know from the many people I have met who take anti-depressants that they often have serious effects on womens’ libidos and even worse – ability to orgasm.

We know that orgasm isn’t the most important part of sex, or even necessary – but to someone who was previously able to and enjoys having an orgasm, losing that ability can be very, very hard and seriously effect their sex life and their relationships.

Please don’t stop taking your anti-depressants.  Instead, as per the previous section above – perhaps (working with your health professional) look for ways to fix the underlying issues that cause the need for the medication.  It’s not possible for everyone to go off anti-depressant medication, but with life changes it may be possible and thus lead you to a more functional sexuality and happier sex life.

Like anti-depressants, our hormonal balance can also play a large part in how we feel about sex. For men, our testosterone inevitably drops as we get older and this can dampen our libido. Women suffer similar (and more complicated) issues. If your libido changes, or isn’t what you would like it to be then talking to a doctor to have your hormone levels checked is a sensible step to take.

Maybe you’re just not into sex?

I have no personal experience of people who identify as asexual, but I believe that it is possible for a person to have no interest in sex at all.

If you are asking the question of yourself “why don’t I want to have sex?” and worrying that there is something wrong with you because you truly don’t want to have sex, then perhaps you legitimately are asexual.  If you think that this might be you but aren’t sure, talk to a therapist with experience in this area.  They will help you differentiate between a low libido and true asexuality.

Body image/self image

We are all our own harshest critic when it comes to appearance.  And that can be paralysing when we are thinking about or trying to have sex.  I have lost count of the number of women I have helped in this regard in my career.  This kind of insecurity can be crippling – and it is totally unnecessary.

Here’s the truth – your appearance matters far more to you than it does to your partner.  Because they are not looking at the superficial exterior – they see you as a whole person and are attracted to that, not to how you present on any particular day. 

Some people are superficial though and will be critical of other people for their appearance.  But that’s ok – they have just told you that they are probable not the kind of person that you want in your life.

However you are is ok.  It’s one of the truly insightful things that the sex work community has demonstrated to me: it doesn’t matter who you are, what you are, what shape, or age you are – there is someone out there who is attracted to you.  I see it semi-regularly in sex worker spaces, people saying that until they did sex work they had no idea of their own attractiveness and worth.  Having been a sex worker – even if they still struggle with their self image – they know that not only are there people out there to whom they are attractive – but that those people will even pay to spend time with them.

Masturbation and self pleasure

We live in a world that is constantly telling us that pleasure has to come from outside of ourselves.  That we can’t be whole and satisfied just being ourselves.  This is practically the cornerstone of capitalism and one of the most insidious aspects of social media.

It’s a lie.  It’s a toxic lie that ruins lives and can ruin sex. 

Masturbation is an integral part of understanding ourselves, our bodies, and our sexuality.  We should all masturbate. 

It is ok to do it.  It is ok to do it a lot – just so long as it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of your life. 

It’s ok to use toys.  It’s ok to not use toys.  It’s ok to do it with and to someone else if you both want that. 

At the end of the day masturbation is just another tool in our sexual toolbox and we should indulge in it just like any other aspect of our sexuality.

Inexperience and how to overcome it – being scared because you are inexperienced

This is probably the easiest issue to resolve – if you are unsure about sex because your are inexperienced – or have no experience – then (regardless of your gender) hire a sex worker!

We won’t judge you. We will be patient with you. We will tell you whatever you want to know and show you how to do the things that you may not know how to do – like giving oral sex.

Many people imagine that sex is just something that they should be good at / able to do naturally – and then feel anxiety because they don’t know what they should do with a partner. Sex is like any other skill. You aren’t born with this knowledge. It’s something that you have to learn and really you can only learn properly by doing it – although there is lots of good information available online (like http://omgyes.com ). It shouldn’t need to be said, but it’s always worth repeating that porn is not sex. No-one has sex like porn stars in their day to day life (not even porn stars). Porn is

We are discreet. We will not tell anyone. We won’t laugh at your inexperience. We are the ultimate (sexy) safe space.

The people you are “attracted” to versus the person you need or – Romance and relationships versus good sex

From the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep we are all more or less unconsciously making assumptions about the world around us.  That’s useful for navigating the physical world, but it can be a problem when we are looking for relationships and/or sex.

It can be a problem because we unconsciously approach the task assuming the we have to do it within the social frameworks (assumptions) that we live within.

Just by visiting this website and reading this article you are transgressing an excepted societal norm – that you can only look for and have sex in a committed relationship or marriage.

Even talking about buying sex is virtually taboo in Australian society – despite this country being one of the most permissive legal sex work cultures in the entire world.

I would wager that for you, seeking out sex work services was an actual decision (reached through serious thought and due to some exceptional circumstance) that had to be made, as opposed to something that you just felt like doing.

This is an example of how the unwritten rules of our society affect how we perceive relationships and sex – just the idea of seeing a sex worker is transgressive and we need to give ourselves permission to do it.

The problem that flows from this is as follows: if we should only have sex with someone we are in a relationship with, then one person is going to have to provide for all of our emotional, physical, and sexual needs – possibly for the rest of our lives.

For most of us that is an entirely unreasonable thing to ask of another person, or to be asked of us.  So we end up making poor choices.  We have relationships with people who are sexually exciting to us, but toxic partners.  Or we have relationships with people who are excellent partners, but we have no sexual chemistry with, or some mix or variation on this.

Making sex contingent on commitment is a huge problem.  There is no reason – other than social norms – for it to be that way and for most of us we simply accept that the assumption that society imposes on us is the right way to act.

I believe that most people would be much happier in their lives if they could let sex and relationships be two separate things that may sometimes cross and intertwine but never dictate to each other.

Work/life balance and where to find a partner

It’s an eternal question: where can I find a partner?

Here’s the best answer I have: the best way to find a partner is not to go looking for one. Instead build the best life for yourself that you can – meaning work less, save energy for yourself, exercise, doing creative things, indulge in hobbies.

If you do those things, then you get two benefits – one: you will inevitable meet like-minded people who may make a good partner when you are doing them and two: when you do you will be a happier, healthier person who is more able to participate in a relationship.

Conclusion:

Frustratingly there are no quick fixes when it comes to sex. Our sexuality is a project as complicated and requiring as much of our attention and dedication as any other aspect of our lives, like career, and relationships. However – if you are prepared to challenge your assumptions and put in the effort, then you can almost certainly get what you want.

John.