More about pregnancy, sex, and seeing a sex worker

After I posted a few weeks ago about women who are pregnant and wanting to see a sex worker I had a conversation on the topic with a woman who is a midwife. Since she is a medical professional I thought I would share some of her thoughts about sex while pregnant – with the warning of course that you must talk to your doctor or midwife about these issues and not rely solely on anything I write here. While this information may be relevant generally, it may not be right for you, so please take the time to discuss it further with the professionals you trust. Hopefully it can act as a starting point for an informative conversation.

So the main point that was made to me was that I made it sound like having “sex while pregnant is inherently risky for everyone whereas there are really only a couple of specific conditions where we recommend not having sex”. I may have made it sound more risky with my disclaimer, but I do so because I want to be quite clear that I’m not giving medical advice and not qualified to do so.

So there you have it – what you need to be doing specifically is determine if you have any specific condition that might make sex a risk to your pregnancy.

Some more directly practical things I was told to be aware of included: breasts and nipples can be extra tender. This can actually be a good thing for enjoying sex as it can equate, for some women, to greater sensitivity and pleasure.

Breasts can leak colostrum. Certainly something to be aware of, it might give your partner a surprise if they/you like having your nipples sucked!

Orgasm can cause painless tightening of the uterus. I have read in the past that this is one of the bodies ways of helping to recover from pregnancy and childbirth.

Importantly – the cervix can be more vascular, so inadvertent touching of it – say through deep penetrative sex – can occasionally cause superficial bleeding. This is a very good thing to know as I expect that unexpected bleeding could be concerning.

Another problem with deep penetration, especially later in pregnancy, is that it can become uncomfortable. So if that’s something you and your partner like then expectations may need to be adjusted for a while!

Lastly – and this I was not aware of at all – is that when a pregnancy is very advanced, laying on your back for extended periods can cause a drop in blood pressure due to weight of the uterus pressing on the major blood vessels. So laying on your side for sex is a good alternative to missionary position later in a pregnancy.

For my part I want to add this – whatever your situation is and needs are, if you want to see me then I am very happy to discuss them and work with you to give you a safe and enjoyable experience.

John.

What to do when your sex life is not what you want it to be

I recently met a young woman who had a problem.  She was interested in sex, had had sex, but hadn’t enjoyed it much.  She wanted my help to try to “light the fire” so to speak, get more experience, gain confidence in her body and skills.

All of these things are excellent goals and generally they are things that I can help a person with – and have over the years.

What I have learned though is that these issues are rarely just a matter of inexperience.  They stem from our lives as a whole and as such there is no quick fix, but a road to self discovery that may be more or less long for each of us.  And especially in the case of sex – it’s not the destination that really matters, it’s the journey.

So here are some things that I think are worth exploring if your sex life is not what you want it to be…

  • What are your actual issues?
  • Anti-depressants and hormonal imbalance and their impact on libido and sex
  • Maybe you’re just not into sex?
  • Body image/self image
  • Masturbation and self pleasure
  • Inexperience and how to overcome it – being scared because you are inexperienced
  • The people you are “attracted” to versus the person you need
  • or – Romance and relationships versus good sex (they rarely go hand in hand and you shouldn’t try to force one on the other)
  • Work/life balance and where to find a partner
  • Whatever body you have – there is someone out there that loves what you are

What are the actual issues?

It’s a truism that we “don’t know what we don’t know” – it’s especially true when we have issues around our sex.  This is where I think that talking to a professional is the best place to start.  I am not a therapist, so while I understand human nature and am good at engaging with people to help them explore their sexuality, I cannot diagnose and treat emotional and physical issues.  I leave that to the professionals.

So if you have a low libido, anxiety, difficulty making connections with potential partners etc, then I highly recommend that you talk to a therapist.  Here in Australia at least, you can get ten free sessions with a therapist – just ask your GP for a “mental health plan” and tell them which therapist you would like to see and they will do the rest.  You have nothing to lose by doing this and possibly much to gain.

Low libido might be caused by stress (very common), a hormone imbalance, or something else that you and I have no idea about.  Spending time with a sex worker won’t fix these things and may even make the situation worse if the thing that you have paid good money for that you expect to help, doesn’t.  Better to fix the problem at its source and have a strong base to build upon!

Anti-depressants and hormonal imbalance and their impact on libido and sex

I won’t talk about the effectiveness of anti-depressants for their proscribed purpose – but I know from the many people I have met who take anti-depressants that they often have serious effects on womens’ libidos and even worse – ability to orgasm.

We know that orgasm isn’t the most important part of sex, or even necessary – but to someone who was previously able to and enjoys having an orgasm, losing that ability can be very, very hard and seriously effect their sex life and their relationships.

Please don’t stop taking your anti-depressants.  Instead, as per the previous section above – perhaps (working with your health professional) look for ways to fix the underlying issues that cause the need for the medication.  It’s not possible for everyone to go off anti-depressant medication, but with life changes it may be possible and thus lead you to a more functional sexuality and happier sex life.

Like anti-depressants, our hormonal balance can also play a large part in how we feel about sex. For men, our testosterone inevitably drops as we get older and this can dampen our libido. Women suffer similar (and more complicated) issues. If your libido changes, or isn’t what you would like it to be then talking to a doctor to have your hormone levels checked is a sensible step to take.

Maybe you’re just not into sex?

I have no personal experience of people who identify as asexual, but I believe that it is possible for a person to have no interest in sex at all.

If you are asking the question of yourself “why don’t I want to have sex?” and worrying that there is something wrong with you because you truly don’t want to have sex, then perhaps you legitimately are asexual.  If you think that this might be you but aren’t sure, talk to a therapist with experience in this area.  They will help you differentiate between a low libido and true asexuality.

Body image/self image

We are all our own harshest critic when it comes to appearance.  And that can be paralysing when we are thinking about or trying to have sex.  I have lost count of the number of women I have helped in this regard in my career.  This kind of insecurity can be crippling – and it is totally unnecessary.

Here’s the truth – your appearance matters far more to you than it does to your partner.  Because they are not looking at the superficial exterior – they see you as a whole person and are attracted to that, not to how you present on any particular day. 

Some people are superficial though and will be critical of other people for their appearance.  But that’s ok – they have just told you that they are probable not the kind of person that you want in your life.

However you are is ok.  It’s one of the truly insightful things that the sex work community has demonstrated to me: it doesn’t matter who you are, what you are, what shape, or age you are – there is someone out there who is attracted to you.  I see it semi-regularly in sex worker spaces, people saying that until they did sex work they had no idea of their own attractiveness and worth.  Having been a sex worker – even if they still struggle with their self image – they know that not only are there people out there to whom they are attractive – but that those people will even pay to spend time with them.

Masturbation and self pleasure

We live in a world that is constantly telling us that pleasure has to come from outside of ourselves.  That we can’t be whole and satisfied just being ourselves.  This is practically the cornerstone of capitalism and one of the most insidious aspects of social media.

It’s a lie.  It’s a toxic lie that ruins lives and can ruin sex. 

Masturbation is an integral part of understanding ourselves, our bodies, and our sexuality.  We should all masturbate. 

It is ok to do it.  It is ok to do it a lot – just so long as it doesn’t interfere with other aspects of your life. 

It’s ok to use toys.  It’s ok to not use toys.  It’s ok to do it with and to someone else if you both want that. 

At the end of the day masturbation is just another tool in our sexual toolbox and we should indulge in it just like any other aspect of our sexuality.

Inexperience and how to overcome it – being scared because you are inexperienced

This is probably the easiest issue to resolve – if you are unsure about sex because your are inexperienced – or have no experience – then (regardless of your gender) hire a sex worker!

We won’t judge you. We will be patient with you. We will tell you whatever you want to know and show you how to do the things that you may not know how to do – like giving oral sex.

Many people imagine that sex is just something that they should be good at / able to do naturally – and then feel anxiety because they don’t know what they should do with a partner. Sex is like any other skill. You aren’t born with this knowledge. It’s something that you have to learn and really you can only learn properly by doing it – although there is lots of good information available online (like http://omgyes.com ). It shouldn’t need to be said, but it’s always worth repeating that porn is not sex. No-one has sex like porn stars in their day to day life (not even porn stars). Porn is

We are discreet. We will not tell anyone. We won’t laugh at your inexperience. We are the ultimate (sexy) safe space.

The people you are “attracted” to versus the person you need or – Romance and relationships versus good sex

From the moment we wake up to the moment we fall asleep we are all more or less unconsciously making assumptions about the world around us.  That’s useful for navigating the physical world, but it can be a problem when we are looking for relationships and/or sex.

It can be a problem because we unconsciously approach the task assuming the we have to do it within the social frameworks (assumptions) that we live within.

Just by visiting this website and reading this article you are transgressing an excepted societal norm – that you can only look for and have sex in a committed relationship or marriage.

Even talking about buying sex is virtually taboo in Australian society – despite this country being one of the most permissive legal sex work cultures in the entire world.

I would wager that for you, seeking out sex work services was an actual decision (reached through serious thought and due to some exceptional circumstance) that had to be made, as opposed to something that you just felt like doing.

This is an example of how the unwritten rules of our society affect how we perceive relationships and sex – just the idea of seeing a sex worker is transgressive and we need to give ourselves permission to do it.

The problem that flows from this is as follows: if we should only have sex with someone we are in a relationship with, then one person is going to have to provide for all of our emotional, physical, and sexual needs – possibly for the rest of our lives.

For most of us that is an entirely unreasonable thing to ask of another person, or to be asked of us.  So we end up making poor choices.  We have relationships with people who are sexually exciting to us, but toxic partners.  Or we have relationships with people who are excellent partners, but we have no sexual chemistry with, or some mix or variation on this.

Making sex contingent on commitment is a huge problem.  There is no reason – other than social norms – for it to be that way and for most of us we simply accept that the assumption that society imposes on us is the right way to act.

I believe that most people would be much happier in their lives if they could let sex and relationships be two separate things that may sometimes cross and intertwine but never dictate to each other.

Work/life balance and where to find a partner

It’s an eternal question: where can I find a partner?

Here’s the best answer I have: the best way to find a partner is not to go looking for one. Instead build the best life for yourself that you can – meaning work less, save energy for yourself, exercise, doing creative things, indulge in hobbies.

If you do those things, then you get two benefits – one: you will inevitable meet like-minded people who may make a good partner when you are doing them and two: when you do you will be a happier, healthier person who is more able to participate in a relationship.

Conclusion:

Frustratingly there are no quick fixes when it comes to sex. Our sexuality is a project as complicated and requiring as much of our attention and dedication as any other aspect of our lives, like career, and relationships. However – if you are prepared to challenge your assumptions and put in the effort, then you can almost certainly get what you want.

John.

Ali Wong on oral sex

Ali Wong is pretty funny (you can look her up on Netflix and Youtube) and I can totally understand her position on oral sex and refusing to trade in her husband. It’s hard finding a man who’s good at oral sex. It is really hard! And I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that, because most women I meet tell me exactly that.

Oral sex has been something of a speciality for me for all of my adult life and I cannot for the life of me understand why men who like having sex with women and wish that more women would have sex with them, don’t make it their mission to give the best oral sex they possibly can!

I mean come on guys – it’s a crowd pleaser. You may not be tall dark and hansom, well hung, wealthy and connected, or whatever cliché is meant to make us attractive, but if you can give a woman good oral, that’s going to leave an impression.

And seriously – if you are going to expect her to give you oral – then it’s only polite to give as good (or better) than you get.

It’s not hard. But it takes effort. It may not be a favourite thing to do (which I really don’t understand personally), but why wouldn’t you put yourself out for your partner’s pleasure?

John.

Too many women have never experienced oral sex

It happened again. I met a woman who had never experienced oral sex from a partner. Not just “never had good oral sex” – but “never had it ever”.

How – in the twenty first century is this possible?

Men – I’m looking at you – you need to do better.

I mean the whole “I-want-a-blowjob-from-you-but-I’m-not-prepared-to-reciprocate” hypocrisy is bad enough. But to have never even tried it – not once – is unforgivable as a sexual being – as a man (I’m pretty sure that lesbians and bi women have this covered). We are well past the “vaginas are scary and full of magic” stage of human social evolution. We all know that oral sex is perfectly safe and healthy and normal to do.

So why aren’t more men making good oral sex skills a priority in their sex lives? I don’t have an answer to this question. I am perplexed.

I love giving oral sex. If I have a “kink” then that is probably it. I personally find it very arousing, and derive great pleasure and satisfaction from giving a woman oral sex – and hopefully an orgasm if that is what she wants.

Not all men share my enthusiasm apparently.

Which is a loss for their partners – but also for them! If you don’t give oral sex then that’s something that you yourself are missing out on, along with your partner. It’s another thing that you can share with your partner. It makes the range of sexual experiences that are possible greater. Isn’t that an excellent thing for every one?

And it may just get you a blowjob in return… I mean that’s got to be worth some investment, right?

At the end of the day I guess that this just highlights how limited many men’s view of sex is. It honestly makes me sad – for the women who don’t get the sex that they want and need to be happy and fulfilled and for the men who are living with impoverished sex lives.

We can do better as a society if we are prepared to have real conversations (and education) about sex.

John.

Doxy play

So. I came into possession of a Doxy vibrator recently (not permanently sadly, but for now it’s mine!).  I’m not a big fan of using sex toys on myself usually, but the reputation of the Doxy as a really powerful vibrator got me curious.  

Would it feel good for me as a man?  What would it feel like full stop?

So while the morning light lasted I thought I’d make a little film for you…

John.

Help for couples with no sex experience – guidance and instruction about massage, touch, tantra, mutual oral, virginity, and more

Not everyone who gets married has the sexual confidence and experience that they might like to have. It’s quite common for younger couples especially. Perhaps you come from a conservative culture and background, perhaps you just never had the chance to learn. It doesn’t matter how it happened – and it doesn’t mean you have to live with not knowing.

For many years now I have offered lessons to single women to help teach them about their body and help them explore their sexuality. I have also occasionally seen couples with similar needs, but I haven’t really written about this before and I thought that I should.

So here’s the bottom line – if you are a couple and one or both of you are inexperienced with sex (or even never had sex at all) then I can help you with practical instruction. I’m not a therapist who will just talk to you about what to do. As a straight male sex worker for women, I can provide practical experience in any area that you want to explore and gain confidence in. I can guide you and your partner through all of the things that you want to learn. I can demonstrate techniques (like how to give great oral sex to each other) showing both of you what works and how to learn about what each other likes. I can answer any questions that you have but don’t know who and how to ask.

My courses generally start with the simplest thing of all: touch. It can be literally just touching your partner’s body, it can be massage – which is a great way to explore and arouse your partner, it can be more sophisticated and sensual like intimate touch. I can show you all of these things and you can practice them with me and get feedback about how you are doing and improve your skills.

An extension of touch is oral sex. It’s an excellent way for a man to help his female partner to reach orgasm if she has trouble doing so through other means. I am very skilled in this area and can teach a man all of the techniques that he needs to be able to satisfy his partner. Conversely, I can show a woman how to touch her partner’s penis and teach her the techniques that make for great oral sex for him.

Are you a couple, newly married, and want to learn how to give each other erotic massage? I can help you with that. I can teach you how to give a massage that starts out relaxing and enjoyable, then builds up to sensual, creating lots of sexual tension and getting you both ready for some great sex…

Some couples are even in the position where one or both of them are virgins – have never experienced penetrative sex. I have met a couple from India in this situation in the past. This can be very stressful for both of you, but it’s a situation that I have been in many times and I can show you how to have sex for the first time without it being painful and help you to learn to make it great.

Techniques like tantra are especially good for couples to allow them to connect deeply and to make the sex that you have last as long as you want and to make it very satisfying. I can show you these things too.

Once you have the basics worked out, you might want to learn and experience more. If that’s the case, then I can help with that too. Advanced positions for sex, games like spanking, blindfolds, light BDSM. Anything that you can think of, I can help with practical guidance and instruction.

There is so much to explore for new couples and couples new to sex and I can be your guide. Safe. Knowledgeable. Discreet.

You can drop me a text, or email, or call me any time to discuss with no obligation and no risk.

John.

OMGyes and learning about women’s pleasure

I was asked recently by someone with a teenage daughter if I new of any good online resources for girls to learn about sex, sexuality, and pleasure and it reminded me of a site that I was shown by a friend a couple of years ago. It took me a little while with google to find it again, but I managed to track it down – so I thought I should share it here as well.

It’s called OMGyes – http://omgyes.com

So what is it? From the site:

The distilled wisdom of 20,000 women, ages 18-95

Scientific studies conducted in partnership with Indiana University and Kinsey Institute researchers

and

For Women, Men, and Couples

OMGyes is for everyone who cares about women’s sexual pleasure and wants to make it even better

So it’s a website that contains lots of information about sexuality and how women can experience pleasure. But the really clever part is that it includes interactive tutorials that let you (on a tablet, phone, or computer) actually practice what you are learning about. For instance if you are learning about clitoral stimulation, then you have an interactive tool that lets you (on a tablet or phone) use your finger to experiment with playing with a woman’s clitoris as described. The system gives you feedback on how well you are doing it.

As someone who has spent much of my career in IT and as a male escort for women I was genuinely suprised by how good the site and particularly the learning tools are.

I would highly recommend it for anyone – male, female, or other – who want to learn about female pleasure.

Here’s an introductory video from OMGyes on Youtube that is safe for work…

Western societies are, in general, very reticent about talking about sex, let alone about sexual pleasure, so I think that this website and it’s tools are a breath of fresh air. I think that anyone (even me) can benefit from this information and I intend to revisit it again over the next week or two. If you are here on my website, then it’s likely that you too could learn something fun and enjoyable at OMGyes so I highly recommend having a look at it.

BTW – I am not sponsored by OMGyes, I just like the site and the information that they provide.

John.

You have a right to expect a professional

It is a truism for me that change is the only constant in my industry. Every year brings new experiences and new groups of people seeking out the services of male escorts.

The most recent group I have met is women who have had several, or even many experiences with male escorts. This is new for me. Until recently, almost ever single client seeing me has never seen a male escort before. As such I have never really contemplated how I might stack up – so to speak. I honestly still don’t know, not in any objective sense.

What I have come to realise though is that my industry, which I love dearly is nowhere near as professional as I had assumed.

When I started promoting myself seriously several years ago I bought with me the lessons that I had learned about customer service, professionalism, and business from my many years working in I.T. It was in fact one of the reasons that very early on I created my guarantee. Perhaps it was cheeky and a bit boastful to offer women “an orgasm or your money back”, but it was meant to make a point – that is: your pleasure and satisfaction is my number one concern, and if you aren’t happy, then I will give you your money back. In point of fact, if you aren’t happy, then I would feel bad taking your money.

This doesn’t seem to be the case in the wider industry and I was genuinely saddened to hear from several different people how seriously un-professional some male escorts can be.

It did though leave me even more committed to the notion of fairness in my service, so I would like to state again for the record – if you book a date with me (whether it’s an hour or a day), and are unhappy in any way with my service, then I would rather refund your money to you in part or full as you wish and have us part on good terms. My business is only as good as my reputation and taking a person’s money when they aren’t satisfied is a great way to ruin it.

If for whatever reason our date didn’t live up to your expectations, then I would like to think that you would feel comfortable to tell me that you are unhappy. And if I can’t fix the problem – whatever it is – then rest assured that I would offer you a refund.

It’s one of the great benefits of decriminalisation of sex work in NSW that our industry is all above board and legitimate. That does however mean that all providers are governed by the consumer protection laws of this state. You as my client have a right to expect a service that matches how I promote myself. And if you don’t get that, then you are legally entitled to ask for a refund.

I know that it’s not necessarily an easy thing to do, but I strongly encourage everyone who sees me, or any other escort, to require us to be professional and deliver on our commitments, because it seems that is not always what happens. Our services don’t come cheap – I am very aware of that – whether you see someone through an agency, or an independent worker like me, so you deserve to get good value and to have the experience that you were promised.

John.

The sex bots are coming (again)

It seems every year or two we see one of these articles: “THE SEX ROBOTS ARE COMING!” shout the headlines. Read the article though and it’s usually about one or two people working in the industry of robotics, or robotic research talking up the technology or spruking their products.  See here:

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/how-sex-robots-could-revolutionise-bedtime-20160609-gpfy6b.html

The story is changing though, gradually. As per this article (complete with smiling women smooching very plastic looking sci-fi robots) there are interesting and disturbing nuggets of information. for instance…

“Companion devices such as the Pepper robot are increasingly being used to provide company to elderly people, particularly in Asian countries such as Japan”

and…

“Prof Sharkey said there was evidence that companion devices were also being use by parents to keep their children company. Research from California indicated young children had emotionally bonded with the machines”

Now, it’s a vast leap to go from companion devices for the elderly to a robot who rocks your world in bed, but if you grow up as a child with ever more sophisticated companion devices (robots), then perhaps you will grow up to be an adult who is more comfortable with machines and machine sex than dealing with the messy, complicated, often painful world of sex with other humans. It could well happen. In fact I expect that it likely will happen.

But all of this – in my opinion – misses the point. Click bait headlines aside, it makes me ask the question: “what do we want from sex?” and ultimately “what does it mean to be human?”

I am regularly contacted by women who have difficulty in reaching orgasm, or difficulty being “in the moment” and enjoying sex. Our consumer society responds to that by saying that the solution is a new vibrator, or a more powerful vibrator, or an AI vibrator! And that may actually work for some time. Powerful stimulation that simply CANNOT be ignored may get you there for a while. But it’s really only a band-aid, over-riding the basic problem, and potentially causing more of it’s own (as your body decreases clitoral sensitivity in response to the very strong stimulation).

So my response is that if we can’t be “in the moment” for sex, if we can’t reach orgasm easily, then the answer lies not outside of us, but in our heads. We need to go back to basics – work out what is causing the problem in the first place: too busy and stressed with work? Unhappy in our relationship? Tired and stressed by family and commitments?

We need to either change our lives to reduce of remove the cause, or we need to learn how to be at peace anyway. A combination of both is, in my opinion, ideal.

So where does that leave sex robots? Honestly I’m not sure. Until such time as robots are intellectually and emotionally equivalent to humans, I can’t see how a robot can ever be a substitute for the sexual arousal that comes from the close physical and mental stimulation of another person. But if we reach that stage, then what really is the difference besides a synthetic body?

So basically we come full circle. If you want a healthy, satisfying sex life (with a human or a robot) then you are probably going to have to sort out your own head first. A task that I am always happy to help people with in the pursuit of better sex.

John.