38% of Americans would give up sex for a year if they could travel now

When I saw this statistic I was surprised.  Then I thought about it some more and realised that it indicates a sad truth – those people probably have terrible sex lives that they really wouldn’t miss, even for a year.

On reflection I shouldn’t be surprised.  The reality I think is that most people aren’t having the sex that they want and many people – especially women – become resigned to that.  In that case a trip to Aspen, or Venice in return for losing something you don’t get or don’t enjoy seems like a good deal.

So the real question here isn’t “Why would anyone make that trade?” it’s more like “Why do we as a society value and prioritise our sexuality and sex lives so little?”.

As a male escort for women, sex is a central aspect of my life.  My sexuality is something that I have a deep relationship with and am fully aware of.  This is necessary for my work, but I came to realise many years ago that a rewarding sex life was an important part of my happiness as a person – so hearing someone say that they would go without sex for a year just to go on a trip is to me, shocking.

There are many reasons why sex is at the bottom of so many peoples list of priorities for their lives.

Once, religion and it’s influence would have been high on this list, but – here in Australia at least – that is much less of a factor these days.

Our atomised communities is probably the largest problem now.  Our government said just this week that single people should be prepared to move (anywhere in the country presumably) to “get a job”, ignoring entirely the impact of social dislocation – that is the loss of friendship networks, family, and other community caused by moving away.  We are a social species, meaning that we need to be around other people who we know and are connected to to be happy and healthy.  That also happens to be the ideal context in which to find someone to have fulfilling sex and relationships with.  So people, isolated from the network that lets them find a partner just end up not having sex at all.

Social media – blight on society that it is – also bears some blame.  It makes people feel inadequate, allows them to substitute virtual experiences for real ones (and therefore increase their isolation), or gives them bad experiences that discourage them from dating (Tinder et al I’m looking at you here).

Work and debt is a third problem. Most people I know here in Sydney are forced to work to live by high rent or mortgages. It means that work is the central thing in their lives and leaves precious little time and energy for any thing else. And lets face it – the relationships (whether casual or long term) required to find fulfilling sex require time and effort to build and maintain.

In conclusion, while I think that society generally disparages sex and sexuality and treats it as unimportant at best and something to be ashamed of at worst, the biggest problem is that for many people there simply isn’t room in their lives for sex. Sometimes that is our own fault and others it is societal pressure and expectations (like building a career, buying a home, or having a family).

So how do we get past those problems?

It’s not easy. The first thing to do though is work out what sex means to you and what priority you are prepared to give it in your life. That’s the starting point. Once you know the answer to that, then you can adjust the competing priorities in your life to give your sexuality the room it needs to grow.

John

Sex workers need to be resilient AND fragile

I watched an interview with director Guillermo del Toro the other day and listening to his description of what it takes to be a director resonated with me as a sex worker.

You can see the interview here:

It may seem like a strange comparison, but I think that his first point is spot on – you have to be both resilient and fragile.

In the case of directing film and television a director has to be able to deal with the business of making a film – wrangling crew and equipment, dealing with producers etc.  For sex workers, we need to do the job of making the booking happen for our client – organising hotels, travel, safer sex material like condoms and lube, our clothing, hygiene, regular STI testing.  The list goes on.  There are lots of practicalities, large and small, that we have to stay on top of, all to make sure that when the moment arrives that we meet our clients that we can – as del Toro puts it – “be fragile”.

For a director that means being able to work with their actors (and crew), be sensitive to their needs and to the story.  To empathise and to give them what they need to be able to give their best performance.

For a sex worker, we need to be emotionally available, receptive, and responsive to our client’s needs.  Some people need their sex worker to be kind and compassionate.  To listen and empathise, to be gentle and caring.  Others need us to challenge and excite.  And many variations between. 

We live and work in a strange place of real emotions and responses in a setting where we are being paid for our time. There are inherent contradictions in that situation, but it can’t be faked – especially for a male sex worker for women. This may in part be the reason that there are so few of us that are able to do the job at all, let alone stay in the industry in the long term.

Women want sex just as much as men, so there is plenty of demand for my time and my colleges in the industry. As men we may be good at doing the “resilient” part – but it’s the “fragile” moments that we need to be ready to give to the women who book our services. It’s the fragile moments that make the experience real.

John.

Sharing our stories helps others feel better about their lives

It happens often that I will meet a client who says to me “I thought I was the only one who…”.

It is counter intuitive that in this age of “connectedness”, via social media, phone, Zoom et al that people can still be left feeling that their situation and problems and challenges are unique.

But it’s true. And time and time again people tell me that they read a post on my website that included a story from someone I have met and in it they saw themselves – or an aspect of their lives – and in seeing that they realised that there was hope to change their situation and have a better, healthier life and (usually) sex life.

The reality is that although we are hyper connected through smart phones and the Internet – it is generally a superficial connection. We see the curated version of our friends and families lives. Not the hard realities of managing relationships. Of loneliness. Of bad sex. Or no sex. Of our inner conflicts over what we want versus what society tells us we can have.

It’s only when you dig deeper into the Internet (and end up somewhere like my website) that you start to find the stories of people who are prepared to share their real selves. And when you find that there is a chance to see yourself reflected and find validation of something that you may have been carrying for years with shame, or guilt, or sadness.

You are not the only one who has never kissed another person.

You are not the only woman who can’t orgasm easily – or at all.

You are not the only one who likes anal play or sex.

You are not the only person who doesn’t need to be in love to enjoy sex with another person.

You are definitely not the only person who is bi – or feels conflicted or excluded because of it.

You are not the only person who is bored of sex with their partner.

You are not the only person who wants a better sex life and is asking “should I book a straight male escort?”. The answer to that is “maybe” – but I’m happy to talk to you if you have questions about the services that male escorts for women provide and help to allay any fears you may have over privacy and safety.

John.

Sex work, disability, and the NDIS (again)

Back in May of 2020 the federal court of Australia ruled that the National Disability Insurance Scheme should not deny disabled people the right to use their NDIS insurance to pay for sex work services if they could show that it was “reasonable and necessary”.

I can’t emphasise enough how important this recognition of both sex work and the rights of people with disabilities is.  It cannot be understated.

Governments world wide have long pushed sexuality and sex work to the margins of society, with hugely detrimental consequences.  New South Wales in Australia, where I work, in fact was so plagued by corruption of it’s police force and politicians, due to the criminalisation of sex work that it became the first place in the world to decriminalise sex work (and thus remove that blight of corruption).

It seemed for a brief moment there that as the states and territories in Australia embrace and/or implement decriminalisation that the tide was turning.  Even the federal court has recognised sexual expression as an integral part of human existence.

Then last week federal minister for the NDIS, Stuart Robert went on a conservative radio show to once again display his ugly conservatism. 

“I never thought you and I would be talking about prostitutes.”

Robert said NDIS participants were “welcome to avail themselves of anything that is lawful and they can pay for themselves” but not with taxpayer funds.

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/feb/03/stuart-robert-condemned-for-plan-to-deny-people-with-disability-access-to-sex-worker-services

Firstly it’s worth noting the derogatory language.  Stuart Robert knows that the preferred and respectful term is “sex worker”.  He has used it in the past here (https://amp.abc.net.au/article/11298838).  So his choice of words when talking to Ray Hadley on the radio was intended to rile up listeners and shame people who pay for and provide sexual services in front of a conservative radio audience.  It was deliberate.

The federal court stated that if a person with a disability can make a case for the NDIS to cover the cost of sex work services then those services should be covered.  Which seems quite reasonable.  It’s not giving anyone with a recognised disability a blank cheque to see sex workers every day of the week on the government’s dime.  It is simply recognising that there are people in our community who’s disability means that they can’t safely and readily participate in an integral part of the human experience – their sexuality – that the rest of us take for granted. 

What most people who oppose the NDIS funding sex workers don’t stop to consider is the risks that people with disabilities take when they try to engage with people for a relationship and especially sex.

Most of the clients I see and have seen over the years who have a disability are extremely physically vulnerable and require significant care 24 hours a day.  It is virtually impossible for a person in this position to “just get on Tinder” for instance.  Most have never experienced sex at all when they contact me and are looking for someone who understands their disability, how to communicate and work with them safely.

This isn’t something you get with a random stranger off the Internet.  Imagine being wheelchair bound and unable to speak trying to meet someone to have sex with – for the first time.

This is what Stuart Robert ignores.  And it’s a huge over site for the minister in charge of the NDIS. 

The only way that you can justify excluding sexual services for people with a disability is if you believe that sex and sexual expression is a privilege.

From the NDIS website:

The main objective of the NDIS is to provide all Australians who acquire a permanent disability before the age of 65 which substantially impacts how they manage everyday activities with the reasonable and necessary supports they need to live an ordinary life.

https://www.ndis.gov.au/about-us/operational-guidelines/overview-ndis-operational-guideline/overview-ndis-operational-guideline-about-ndis

So the test that the NDIS claims it applies to supporting people with disabilities is “does this disability prevent you from living an ordinary life?”

I would suggest that a life devoid of sex is not an ordinary life – and I have over ten years of experience working with people, both able bodied and with disabilities who tell me all the time how important being able to have sex is to them and much it improves their lives.

Sex is a part of our ordinary lives and if minister Robert Stuart was honest with Australians he would accept the federal court’s ruling and stop fighting against people with disabilities.

His latest attack on people with disabilities is try to force through a definition of “reasonable and necessary” that will exclude sex work from NDIS cover.

“I will move to actually define what is reasonable and necessary so we can meet community standards, because I do not believe … that the federal government using taxpayer’s money to pay for prostitutes meets that standard, I just can’t see it,” Robert said.

https://www.theguardian.com/australia-news/2021/feb/03/stuart-robert-condemned-for-plan-to-deny-people-with-disability-access-to-sex-worker-services

Every time he claims that it would be against “community standards” he is applying his own moral, religious, and/or political beliefs to a question that should not be influenced by any of those things ever.

And claiming authority by citing “the community” is nothing more than cowardice. At least own your discrimination Stuart.

John.

It’s ok to want what you want – AND it’s ok to ask for it

I don’t think that it can be said often enough, clearly enough, and loudly enough, but…

(provided it’s consensual) IT’S OK TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT.  AND TO ASK YOUR PARTNER FOR IT.

Of course this is complicated infinitely by the dynamics of relationships, their history, your collective insecurities, children, age, physical issue, and more…

But at the end of the day you are allowed to want what you want. You are allowed to be turned on by what arouses you.  And you are allowed to ask for it.

I think that many people – while they may know all of this at some level – find it very hard to consciously accept it – let along to act on it.

It has happened many times that women who have made bookings with me have told me later that they didn’t feel that they could ask me for what they wanted. To be clear – I don’t blame them for this. It’s the result of a much larger problem that we have as a society around sexuality and sexual expression.

But it emphasises the scope of this problem. Everyone who books with me is buying my service and we have a discussion about what they want. But many women still don’t feel free to say “hey I would like us to do XYZ”.

I do my best to draw people out about their needs and wants, but I do have to be gentle about it. Some people genuinely don’t know what they want. Most of us are on a journey sexually and we are learning what works for us and what doesn’t every time we have sex with someone new (or are prompted by a partner). So I try to avoid pressuring anyone who may not need to, or want to start exploring their boundaries.

All of this though is to say – as clearly and directly as I can – that if you do want to try something or are even just curious to talk about a subject with me, that you should always feel free to ask. Even if it’s was something that I personally didn’t want to do – I will never judge you for it or be critical. At the worst I would politely decline and perhaps offer an alternative.

As a society, we need to be better at talking to each other about sex. The first step in that process though is being better about accepting our own sexuality and being able to have that conversation with ourselves. If we can’t even do that then it makes it almost impossible to have an open conversation with other people – like partners and children.

John

Farewell 2020, hello 2021

I really hope that 2021 be a better year for all of us!

I’m sorry that I have not been posting regularly here, but you know – 2020…

Seriously though, it was a long year with a lot of personal challenges on top of the insanity of covid-19. Thank you to everyone who booked with me last year, for your support. That made it much easier than it could have been.

I am now back at work after a few weeks off and looking forward to meeting new people and renewing my connection with those I already know.

For anyone who may be wondering – I recently closed down my Twitter account. It had served its purpose (supporting and advocating for the sex work industry) at a time where it was under serious threat in Australia, so it was no-longer needed. I will continue to post here however.

So I want to wish everyone well and I look forward to hearing from you in the future!

John.

Sex toy safety

Since we are all in various states of lockdown and sex toys are extremely popular right now, I thought it worth making a quick post about sex toy safety.

I saw this Twitter thread earlier and it’s worth sharing…

What’s the main takeaways?

  • The sex toy industry is unregulated – with all of the horrible implications that has for product safety
  • You get what you pay for! If it’s cheap (with the possible exception of glass, stainless steel, and things on obvious heavy discount) then the toy is probably made from something that you don’t want to put in or on sensitive parts of your body.

Masturbation is good (I have a couple of articles in the works touching on this) and we should all do it. Toys are a fun way to expand that pleasure – but it’s really important to use safe toys!

John.

This is why I do it…

I recently had a booking with a woman who (like most of my clients) had never seen a male sex worker before.

She was nervous, but determined and we had a good session together. That evening she sent me the text below (shown with her permission).

It was a nice reminder to me of a large part of why I do this job (besides earning the income that we all need to get by in life). It’s because what I do brings people joy. Not the momentary endorphin hit of a new purchase, but something that lasts for days – and perhaps even a lifetime…

I have always enjoyed the work that I have done (mostly around IT and design), but I can honestly say that while much of it was useful and beneficial to my clients, none of it ever really made a difference to anyone’s life. Not in a significant or lasting way. That work was unimportant to people’s lives.

With sex work though, I feel that although I can only ever see a tiny fraction of all the people in the world, I will, in most cases, make a significant and positive contribution to their lives and their happiness.

And that, I think, is enough.

John.

Too many women have never experienced oral sex

It happened again. I met a woman who had never experienced oral sex from a partner. Not just “never had good oral sex” – but “never had it ever”.

How – in the twenty first century is this possible?

Men – I’m looking at you – you need to do better.

I mean the whole “I-want-a-blowjob-from-you-but-I’m-not-prepared-to-reciprocate” hypocrisy is bad enough. But to have never even tried it – not once – is unforgivable as a sexual being – as a man (I’m pretty sure that lesbians and bi women have this covered). We are well past the “vaginas are scary and full of magic” stage of human social evolution. We all know that oral sex is perfectly safe and healthy and normal to do.

So why aren’t more men making good oral sex skills a priority in their sex lives? I don’t have an answer to this question. I am perplexed.

I love giving oral sex. If I have a “kink” then that is probably it. I personally find it very arousing, and derive great pleasure and satisfaction from giving a woman oral sex – and hopefully an orgasm if that is what she wants.

Not all men share my enthusiasm apparently.

Which is a loss for their partners – but also for them! If you don’t give oral sex then that’s something that you yourself are missing out on, along with your partner. It’s another thing that you can share with your partner. It makes the range of sexual experiences that are possible greater. Isn’t that an excellent thing for every one?

And it may just get you a blowjob in return… I mean that’s got to be worth some investment, right?

At the end of the day I guess that this just highlights how limited many men’s view of sex is. It honestly makes me sad – for the women who don’t get the sex that they want and need to be happy and fulfilled and for the men who are living with impoverished sex lives.

We can do better as a society if we are prepared to have real conversations (and education) about sex.

John.

In my arms

Today I am delighted to share with you a new film that my client Emelia so generously offered to shoot with me.  I think that her words are probably more powerful than anything that I can say and she generously offered to explain her reasons for wanting to shoot with me. 

I have been wanting to make a film with John for his website for a while now, but I have always had some hesitation and insecurity with my body image not being good enough to be used as I have extremely petite breasts.

By making this film, I wanted to show prospective clients, regardless of your body type, age, disability or background John will provide you a safe and non judgemental place where you can experience immense sexual pleasure and explore and grow in your own sexuality.

I would like to say thank you to Emelia for her generosity both to me and to the women who might be struggling with their self image in similar ways to her.  You are all beautiful and sexy just the way you are.

I hope you enjoy our film…

John.