At this point it’s a truism to say that online dating is a rolling dumpster fire. Everyone I know who has tried it has (regardless of success or failure) has said that it is awful and they hate it.
On its face online dating *should* work. It exposes us to people we would *never* otherwise have been able to meet – other than by highly unlikely random chance. And there in lies the first problem. Historically (thinking back to the middle of last century) we weren’t that mobile as a society. We tended to live and work in one place most of our lives, even over multiple generations. So the people we met day to day were mostly like us, sharing education, values, experiences etc. That’s not so true today. If you live in a big city like Sydney then you are going to be exposed to a lot more people from very different places with very different life experiences, values, education, and views.
What I have noticed (from living in small towns and big cities) is that in big cities people are far more insular than in small communities. When you live in a small town then everyone feels entitled to be a part of everyone else’s business and it’s difficult to be “private” and anonymous. In a big city however there is an assumption of privacy and anonymity. In my apartment building here in Sydney I literally have no idea who my neighbours are and rarely interact with them (and they change regularly) and are rarely interested in getting to know me. But the last small town I lived in the neighbours came and introduced themselves the day I moved in. The difference is real.
The problem with online dating is that it pierces that barrier of privacy that we assume for ourselves and brings right into our life people who are in absolutely no way “pre-qualified” as being someone we might like and relate to.
That in theory should be a good thing, but I think that in reality it makes for stressful experiences that just aren’t fun most of the time.
Most of us like to think that we are open minded and open to new experiences. But that doesn’t translate to being able to easily find a connection with someone who is very different to us. To be clear, I’m not putting a value judgement on being different from me. It’s just a statement that the more different we are the harder it is to form a connection with another person.
So yes – online dating brings vastly more people into our lives, but many – most – of them are simply never going to be possible prospects for a relationship – or even a friendship.
Then there is the social media affect. Social media is for the most part undeniably toxic. It allows – in fact encourages – and enables the worst kind of behaviour and attitudes toward other people and I don’t believe for a second that a person who one minute is thoughtlessly firing insults at someone on Twitter then flips over to Tinder has just undergone an attitude change and developed a sensitivity towards another group of anonymous people online.
So what is the solution? The only solution that I have been able to come up with is this: do things that you enjoy. Find other people who like doing the same things. Spend time around those people. In time and with luck you may meet someone with similar values and interests who you want to spend more time with.
It’s not a silver bullet to dating I know, but I think that it is the healthiest way to find a partner.
John
