It’s obvious that no-one is born knowing how to drive. Driving is one of those skills that you have to learn by getting in a vehicle with an instructor, being guided, trying, making mistakes, learning, and eventually being able to safely drive a vehicle. For me that started when I was quite young growing up on a farm in Victoria and has continued on the road for thirty odd years.

Just this week though I undertook my first practical training and assessment session to drive a heavy vehicle. In particular I was training to drive heavy vehicles with an old style manual transmition. Now I can drive a manual car, but this is rather different, more complicated, and requires a *very* delicate touch with both your shifting hand and your foot – much more so than modern cars need.

I spent three hours driving around a one kilometer loop practicing shifting up and down, up and down. And I just couldn’t do it consistently. Sometimes I’d get it right, then I’d lose it again. 

There were a few reasons why it was so difficult for me.  One was trying to overcome more than thirty years of driving reflexes, another was my preferred learning style – no pressure, lots of repetition, and being able to mess up, then try again. The last is a supportive teacher who doesn’t get stressed or lose their cool.

The first is just something that takes time. Reflexes are hard to overcome – especially reflexes that you have learned to keep you safe. Unfortunately the loop we were driving was relatively short with several corners that limited my ability to just practice, practice, practice and threw in having to worry about a bunch of other factors like traffic, potholes etc. The last was the biggest problem and I honestly wasn’t comfortable with the person who was instructing me. I tried to work through it, but in the end I had to cut the session short because his teaching style clashed with how I learn and when combined with my fading ability to concentrate from mental exhaustion it was clear that there was no point continuing that day.

It may not seem obvious but there are some strong parallels between my recent experience and how many people experience learning about sex. I think that there is a very strong expectation in people that sex will just “come naturally” and when it doesn’t I think many people blame themselves, thinking that it must be their failing.

The truth though is that first – especially if we are older and have experience and sexual “reflexes” – it can be *really* hard to unlearn or modify those reflexes. Certain things “work” for us and trying new things or different things may not hit the same way leaving us fighting not to fall back into old patterns.

Then there’s the question of how we learn. Are you someone who likes to plan things out and try them step by step? Or do you prefer to just jump into something and see what happens? Do you need lots of communication and reasurance?

And finally there’s the person (or persons) you are doing your exploration with. This is likely to be the most important part of all. We are at our most vulnerable when we express a desire to another person – when we open ourselves up and say to a partner “I would like you to do this for me…”. There is a huge risk there emotionally. Will they take your request seriously? Will they be understanding and supportive? Will they respect your boundaries? Will they be enthusiastic about your shared journey and experience?

I often have women come to me who want to have a new experience, or learn new ways to experience pleasure, or discover what they are capable of sexually. I believe that I always put my full effort and attention into helping the women and couples who come to me to explore their sexuality. 

My personal experience this week learning a new and difficult skill under stressful circumstances has reminded me of just how hard it can be for people to be vulnerable and to put their trust in someone else. I don’t believe that I have ever lost sight of that in my sex work, but it never hurts to have a reminder. I want to be the best I can possibly be as a sex worker and I think that this experience will help me to achieve that.

John