I don’t think that it can be said often enough, clearly enough, and loudly enough, but…
(provided it’s consensual) IT’S OK TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT. AND TO ASK YOUR PARTNER FOR IT.
Of course this is complicated infinitely by the dynamics of relationships, their history, your collective insecurities, children, age, physical issue, and more…
But at the end of the day you are allowed to want what you want. You are allowed to be turned on by what arouses you. And you are allowed to ask for it.
I think that many people – while they may know all of this at some level – find it very hard to consciously accept it – let along to act on it.
It has happened many times that women who have made bookings with me have told me later that they didn’t feel that they could ask me for what they wanted. To be clear – I don’t blame them for this. It’s the result of a much larger problem that we have as a society around sexuality and sexual expression.
But it emphasises the scope of this problem. Everyone who books with me is buying my service and we have a discussion about what they want. But many women still don’t feel free to say “hey I would like us to do XYZ”.
I do my best to draw people out about their needs and wants, but I do have to be gentle about it. Some people genuinely don’t know what they want. Most of us are on a journey sexually and we are learning what works for us and what doesn’t every time we have sex with someone new (or are prompted by a partner). So I try to avoid pressuring anyone who may not need to, or want to start exploring their boundaries.
All of this though is to say – as clearly and directly as I can – that if you do want to try something or are even just curious to talk about a subject with me, that you should always feel free to ask. Even if it’s was something that I personally didn’t want to do – I will never judge you for it or be critical. At the worst I would politely decline and perhaps offer an alternative.
As a society, we need to be better at talking to each other about sex. The first step in that process though is being better about accepting our own sexuality and being able to have that conversation with ourselves. If we can’t even do that then it makes it almost impossible to have an open conversation with other people – like partners and children.