Drive safe!

It’s that time of year again – the pre-christmas madness has arrived on Sydney’s roads.

This year has been (in my experience) a pretty good year on the road – especially on the motorbike. People have been driving safely, not changing lanes without looking, not running red lights, not using their phones so much. It’s been nice. It’s felt safe(r).

However. With Christmas just around the corner Sydney’s drivers seem to have lost their collective minds. In the last couple of weeks I am seeing:

  • Running of red lights – frequently!
  • Mobile phone use – all the time
  • General impatience, bad driving, and lack of attention – everywhere

I even had a driver sail right through a red light while I was crossing on a green pedestrian light. That was actually scary. They were totally concentrating on something other than the task of driving safely. If I hadn’t been paying attention (as many pedestrians don’t), then I would have been dead and everyone’s Christmas would have been ruined.

So here’s a pre-Christmas message and request to everyone who reads my blog:

Please drive safe! Take your time, don’t rush, plan ahead, and most of all – concentrate. Life is full of distractions, especially at this time of year, so be aware and don’t let them interfere when you are driving.

Say safe everyone, please!

John.

The ghost of Melbourne (and a life) past

Flinders St station - Melbourne

Flinders St station – Melbourne

I lived in Melbourne before I moved to Sydney. Specifically in Richmond, and before then Prahran when I was at university.

Back then Prahran was the poor cousin to, well, just about every other inner Melbourne suburb. The process of gentrification hadn’t really taken hold and it was still a cheap place to live. Affordable to students and just a short walk from where I studied. But the area was somewhat down at heal. Most of the pubs were still typical inner city dives – dark, smelling of beer, and inhabited by people there to drink away the day and forget. It wasn’t an inspiring landscape.

When we look back on our lives, we have pictures in our heads of the way that places were when we knew them. But nothing stays the same. Everything changes. Life moves on. Especially so in cities. But memories are comfortable places. They don’t challenge us, or ask us to change, or better ourselves. In fact they can be excellent excuses for not changing. For staying the same.

Last week while I was in Melbourne, I was lucky enough to have time to walk down Chapel St on Saturday night. Chapel St (for those of you who don’t know Melbourne) runs from Richmond, all the way down to St Kild. Through South Yarra and Prahran.

When I lived there, Chapel St had two faces: the glamorous South Yarra end and the down-at-heal Prahran end. Walking from one end to the other was to see a (certain) cross-section of life and culture in Australia.

The dazzle of Chapel St on Saturday night

The dazzle of Chapel St on Saturday night

Not any more.

I was truly stunned by what I saw. I had intended to only go half way down Chapel St, then turn right and head back to my hotel. But when I reached the half way point I was amazed to see that the glitter of South Yarra now spilled on into Prahran. Even the South Yarra end was more alive. More restaurants, more people, more activity – More life!

I blame Fifty Shades... but not too much

I blame Fifty Shades… but not too much

And it just went on and on… The further I walked, the bigger the change. The few restaurants in Prahran and the dingy shops have been replaced with more eating places than I could count – it seemed like every third shop front was a restaurant. And the shops themselves were now much more up market. And everywhere were people! Masses of them. When once Chapel St was a bit of a desert, even on Saturday night, now it was positively crowded! Tables full of people clogged the footpath, security staff stood guard at door after door of trendy pubs, clubs, and eateries. And everywhere were people going too and fro.

It was like nothing I ever expected to see in my old home.

And it was invigorating!

Chasers nightclub still exists?  25 years later?  How is that still 'cool'?

Chasers nightclub still exists? 25 years later? How is that still ‘cool’?

Not expecting to see anything of note, I didn’t bother to take my camera and sadly my phone battery died as well, so I only have a few photos to share. I tried to capture the moment, but it’s not an easy thing to do with such a brief photo essay.

Having walked the length of Chapel St and confirmed that my favourite theatre (The Astor) was indeed still there, I turn off Chapel St, walking past my old university (much renovated and upgraded I saw) and into the comparative darkness and quiet of High St, heading back to my hotel.

The walk gave me time to think. And the lesson that my exploration of Chapel St was trying to teach me was this: life is about change – or more to the point: life should be about change.

Especially when we are talking about ourselves. Places that stay the same, that don’t evolve, don’t challenge us. They allow us to be comfortable with who and what we are. They allow us to not grow. The extreme changes in Chapel St made me realise that not only were the memories that I had of that place no-longer current, but that my attitude toward that place was not even relevant any more! It made me stop and ask the question of _who_ I really am. Am I the person who went to university there? Are the ideas and attitudes that were shaped by that place – that doesn’t even exist any more – still useful and relevant? Was I living in the past? Did I need to look harder at myself?

The answer was and is: yes. We always need to be looking at ourselves, asking ourselves whether the ideas and beliefs that we hold are still relevant? Or are they holding us back from doing and being what we need to be? Are we letting the past dictate our future? Is it time to build a new life that gives us the things that we really want?

I wouldn’t expect Youtube to throw up instructional life lessons, but someone there threw up some ideas that mesh well with my exploration of Chapel St. He said words to the effect of: you need to stop regularly and ask yourself “Am I doing the one thing that I really want to be doing with my life?”. If the answer is no, then that is what you need to do.

Of course not everyone can simply change the course of their lives. We all have commitments and history that place limits on us. But the lesson is sound: we need to be constantly assessing ourselves and our life and making the changes that we need to make to be happy, healthy, and fulfilled.

This about the hardest, most scary thing that most people can do. We are hemmed in from day to day by responsibilities, by “conventional wisdom”, by expectations, by our own fear of change. But we can’t let that stop us.

We have to be brave – because the world simply WILL NOT WAIT for us. It will change around us. It will not care how difficult life will become. So it is up to every one of us to take on that challenge and find a way to thrive.

John.

Stop and smell the roses – we only get one life

Tasmania is beautiful. If you have never been there, I highly recommend it. I was lucky enough to stay on the east coast, near Feycinet National Park (pronounced frey-sin-ay) for three nights recently. It is a truly magnificent area with rugged mountains, beautiful beaches (with rather cold water this time of year!), fabulous fresh produce, beautiful wildlife, and much to see and do.

I will share below, some photos that I took, but I also want to talk about how it made me feel. Sometimes trips away can be exhausting, but I truly found this place to be a pleasure to visit and for reasons that I can’t explain, it was a relaxing and refreshing experience. No hustle and bustle perhaps. Fresh air and good food. Exercise, but no grind and stress. I came home feeling truly invigorated by the experience and curious to see more of Tasmania one day.

The lesson that it taught me is that the world is a remarkable place. Worthy of exploration. Worthy of protection. And as people we often forget this. We are wrapped up in lives that don’t afford us the time, energy, or money to really appreciate the beauty  and fun of the world.

The same can be said for sex and our sexuality. Like quiet enjoyment of nature, being able to enjoy sex means that we need to be able to put aside the worries of the day and of life and truly be in the moment. Not an easy thing to do in a busy world where everything else takes priority in our lives – and society is so often busy sending us mixed messages about sex and what part it should play in our lives.

I hope that you enjoy the photos below.

John.

Wineglass Bay

Wineglass Bay

The Hazards

The Hazards

Coles Bay

Coles Bay

Swanwick Bay pelicans

Swanwick Bay pelicans

Tasmanian devil

Tasmanian devil

Wineglass Bay from Cape Tourville

Wineglass Bay from Cape Tourville

Wineglass Bay from Cape Tourville

Wineglass Bay from Cape Tourville

The Nuggets

The Nuggets

The Tasman Sea under leaden sky

The Tasman Sea under leaden sky

A Pacific Gull (Larus pacificus) over Carp Bay

A Pacific Gull (Larus pacificus) over Carp Bay

All good things must come to an end, but this is hardly a disappointing place to fly home to!

Sydney Harbour

Sydney Harbour

Kissing, sex, and conversation

Kissing is cool. How cool? Really cool. Like make your entire day WAY better cool. I have been reminded of this fact twice recently when I was booked to give a Kissing Lesson – yes, seriously, that’s a thing that I can do for you.

Google “benefits of kissing” and you will find a wealth of research and explanations about the effects and benefits of kissing – like boosting seratonin, decreasing cortisol, improving immunity, and much more. So we know for a fact that kissing is genuinely, measurably good for us.

The problem though is that for most of us kissing isn’t really given any priority in our live – or love lives. It’s the kind of thing that you do with a new partner right? Because you can do it in public when your still in that stage of wanting to rip each others clothes off every five minutes.

But as a relationship grows and the passionate heat turns into more of a warm comfortable glow, then kissing just becomes a greeting – hello, goodbye, or a quick prelude to the really good part (sex).

Well not so fast. It’s time to exert some discipline. While you are reading books about tantra and looking for ways to make sex richer, you really, really need to incorporate kissing. Not just short or occasional kisses, but real deep, long kisses. Nothing perfunctory, but kisses that are a “conversation” between you both in their own right.

When I talk to clients about kissing and how it should be, I describe it as “a conversation between you, but using your lips, tongue, your hands – and your body!”.

And don’t think that it kissing is just a matter of a set of “moves”. If you were talking to your partner, you wouldn’t repeat the same sentences over and over, instead you listen to what the other person has said and you reply in a way that makes sense and furthers the conversation. It should be the same for kissing. Feel what your partner is doing and respond to it in a way that makes sense.

So a soft slow kiss shouldn’t be responded to with mashing of lips and heaps of tongue (that should be obvious, but some guys just don’t get it). Likewise, a passionate kiss demands a passionate response! If you’re not into it, then fair enough, but if you are, then don’t hesitate to give as good as you get. You can also lead a kiss from slow and gentle, to deep and hard, then back again.

As you kiss, you need to be active. Pucker your lips, move your tongue – Use your hands, use your body. Everything you do reinforces the message of the kiss (or contrasts with it!).

So don’t treat kissing as perfunctory, or just a step toward sex. See it as a whole experience. Take ten minutes – or half and hour, with your partner just to kiss. Explore the sensations and the communication that you can have through it. Then pay attention to how you feel afterward. I’m betting that like me, you will find that the sun shines a little brighter, the day seems better, and life seems a little sweeter!

John.

Melbourne bound!

20160711_111954Not long now!  I will be in Melbourne in just over a week.  My flights are booked, accommodation is sorted – and I have one time still available (on Saturday night) for anyone who would like to experience some first class sensual indulgence…

Melbourne, I’m looking forward to seeing you soon!

John.

The condom conundrum – and how to fix it!

Women of the world, you need to know something about guys, sex, and condoms: men are caught upon the horns of a dilemma – and it matters to you as much as us.

2016-10-21-12-18-18Background: I talk to a lot of women. It’s literally my job. And what I often hear from women who are participating in The Dating Scene is: guys hate condoms and will try to get out of wearing them.

That is fine if everyone is consenting and everyone is getting tested regularly for STIs. But that’s rarely the case and so there is general unhappiness and often bad behaviour.

This post is about trying to understand one of the (probably) multiple reasons that guys have an issue with condoms – and most importantly, what can be done to help. First off, many guys are just selfish and uneducated, they don’t perceive, or understand the risks of unprotected sex, they just want sex on their terms. I am not talking about them.

The specific issue I want to address is about sensitivity and maintaining an erection. Most men are literally in a no win situation here. If a man has a well balanced level of sensitivity that during unprotected sex allows him to go for as long as he and his partner desire, then it’s a safe bet that when he puts on a condom for protected sex, that he is going to have trouble maintaining an erection – and even achieving orgasm.

This is not his fault – it’s not even a failing. It’s a perfectly normal biological response. Male arousal is a constant act of balance (between staying hard and coming too quickly), one that is affected by myriad factors – and putting on, or taking off a condom throws that entire balancing act out of whack.

Now imagine going the other way: a man who can last happily wearing a condom, has sex with his partner without one. It’s like having the pleasure dial turned ALL THE WAY UP TO TEN. Condoms cut down the intensity of sensation. They also decrease the exquisite detail of sensation that comes from unprotected sex. That man isn’t going to last. He is going to orgasm in minutes, or even seconds.

Having lived with and overcome premature ejaculation, I can say from experience that you can’t just “adapt” to condoms one day, no condoms the next. Our arousal pattern and sexual response is a learned skill. One that is deeply tied up in things like self image, emotional and physical maturity, ego etc. Changing it takes time, effort, and usually help (ideally from a caring partner).

So there is the dilemma: if you are good with condoms, you will have trouble with unprotected sex. If you are chilled out and can savour unprotected sex, then condoms will be a nightmare of limp dick and disappointment all round. There is just no winning.

There is however a solution. The solution is that well known, but little understood friend of erectile dysfunction – Viagra (or one of it’s off label equivalents).

But say the name and men and women alike often get very uncomfortable… from “You can’t have sex with me without taking Viagra? Then you must not find me attractive”, to: “If I have to take it, that means I must be a failure – there is something wrong with me…”

Neither of these things are true, but we are talking about human psychology here. We are all slaves to our subconscious fears until we educate ourselves.

So, here’s a little background on Viagra:

  1. It’s not a magic pill that gives you an erection. What it does is allow you to sustain an erection more easily IF you can get one. So, if a guy isn’t turned on by the though of sex with a woman then Viagra or not, he will not get an erection. If he is aroused, then he will get a bigger, harder, longer lasting erection if he has taken it
  2. Because it increases the hardness of an erection, it also increases sensation and sensitivity (an excellent side effect if you have to use condoms!)
  3. It has side effects if you don’t use it correctly, like headaches (it’s a vaso-dilator, so take too big a dose on an empty stomach and it will basically give you a migraine headache), it can also cause elevated heart rate (again, vaso-dilator, so your heart has to work harder to keep your blood pressure up). Disturbed vision (people report getting a blue tinge to their eyesight as the blue light receptors in the eye ball become more responsive when blood flow in the retina is boosted). Like any medication, you really need to talk to your doctor about it and make sure that it is safe for you too take
  4. It’s pretty cheap now that the patent has expired
  5. It takes between half and one hour to take effect
  6. The dose (between 25mg and 100mg) will depend on your size and weight. If you are 80 kgs or so, then 50mg should be enough. Bigger or smaller, then adjust the dose accordingly
  7. Take it with food for slower, longer lasting effect and less chance of side-effects like migraine

You have probably already guessed where I am going with all of this, so here’s the “money shot”:

If you are having sex with a partner with condoms and he can’t keep an erection (possibly leading to bad behaviour and pressuring you to have unprotected sex when you are unsure about your respective STI statuses) then he may not just be a jerk. He may actually have a genuine issue that he doesn’t understand very well and is self-conscious or embarrassed about.

If that is the case, then you need to talk to him about Viagra. I know that this shouldn’t be your responsibility, but you can help turn a huge issue for both of you into a non-issue that gets everyone most of what they want, safely.

Needing to take Viagra can seem like a blow to the ego – for both men and women! But I have come to see it as being almost as essential a part of anyone’s “safer sex kit” as condoms. Why? Because just like good personal lubricant (I recommend Sylk) it makes it easier to use condoms effectively. And if they are easy to use, then they are more likely to be used.

I am not going to recommend that ladies keep their own personal stash of Viagra to give to partners – because it’s a prescription drug that should be used under medical supervision.

But I can say: ladies, if you have a partner who can’t keep an erection with a condom, then you should encourage him to see a GP and ask for Viagra, because practicing safe sex makes it difficult for him to keep an erection. GPs will love hearing that and will be more than happy to help him have good sex safely.

For any men reading this: if you carry condoms because you might have sex and are worried about keeping an erection, then get Viagra and carry both.

More importantly: if you don’t carry condoms, or refuse to use them because they feel bad, or you can’t keep an erection, then you seriously need to try Viagra. It’s not a magic solution, but it makes condoms perfectly acceptable to use, and it’s the sane, safe, sensible thing to do for your health and your partners.

John.

A grand day out!

It’s spring in Sydney, the weather is fine, and it’s time for the beach.  What could be more grand than that?

WARNING
this short film contains nudity and is NOT SAFE FOR WORK

If you would like your own grand day out (or night in) with me, then drop me a line.

John.