Not long now! I will be in Melbourne in just over a week. My flights are booked, accommodation is sorted – and I have one time still available (on Saturday night) for anyone who would like to experience some first class sensual indulgence…
Melbourne, I’m looking forward to seeing you soon!
John.
Women of the world, you need to know something about guys, sex, and condoms: men are caught upon the horns of a dilemma – and it matters to you as much as us.
Background: I talk to a lot of women. It’s literally my job. And what I often hear from women who are participating in The Dating Scene is: guys hate condoms and will try to get out of wearing them.
That is fine if everyone is consenting and everyone is getting tested regularly for STIs. But that’s rarely the case and so there is general unhappiness and often bad behaviour.
This post is about trying to understand one of the (probably) multiple reasons that guys have an issue with condoms – and most importantly, what can be done to help. First off, many guys are just selfish and uneducated, they don’t perceive, or understand the risks of unprotected sex, they just want sex on their terms. I am not talking about them.
The specific issue I want to address is about sensitivity and maintaining an erection. Most men are literally in a no win situation here. If a man has a well balanced level of sensitivity that during unprotected sex allows him to go for as long as he and his partner desire, then it’s a safe bet that when he puts on a condom for protected sex, that he is going to have trouble maintaining an erection – and even achieving orgasm.
This is not his fault – it’s not even a failing. It’s a perfectly normal biological response. Male arousal is a constant act of balance (between staying hard and coming too quickly), one that is affected by myriad factors – and putting on, or taking off a condom throws that entire balancing act out of whack.
Now imagine going the other way: a man who can last happily wearing a condom, has sex with his partner without one. It’s like having the pleasure dial turned ALL THE WAY UP TO TEN. Condoms cut down the intensity of sensation. They also decrease the exquisite detail of sensation that comes from unprotected sex. That man isn’t going to last. He is going to orgasm in minutes, or even seconds.
Having lived with and overcome premature ejaculation, I can say from experience that you can’t just “adapt” to condoms one day, no condoms the next. Our arousal pattern and sexual response is a learned skill. One that is deeply tied up in things like self image, emotional and physical maturity, ego etc. Changing it takes time, effort, and usually help (ideally from a caring partner).
So there is the dilemma: if you are good with condoms, you will have trouble with unprotected sex. If you are chilled out and can savour unprotected sex, then condoms will be a nightmare of limp dick and disappointment all round. There is just no winning.
There is however a solution. The solution is that well known, but little understood friend of erectile dysfunction – Viagra (or one of it’s off label equivalents).
But say the name and men and women alike often get very uncomfortable… from “You can’t have sex with me without taking Viagra? Then you must not find me attractive”, to: “If I have to take it, that means I must be a failure – there is something wrong with me…”
Neither of these things are true, but we are talking about human psychology here. We are all slaves to our subconscious fears until we educate ourselves.
So, here’s a little background on Viagra:
You have probably already guessed where I am going with all of this, so here’s the “money shot”:
If you are having sex with a partner with condoms and he can’t keep an erection (possibly leading to bad behaviour and pressuring you to have unprotected sex when you are unsure about your respective STI statuses) then he may not just be a jerk. He may actually have a genuine issue that he doesn’t understand very well and is self-conscious or embarrassed about.
If that is the case, then you need to talk to him about Viagra. I know that this shouldn’t be your responsibility, but you can help turn a huge issue for both of you into a non-issue that gets everyone most of what they want, safely.
Needing to take Viagra can seem like a blow to the ego – for both men and women! But I have come to see it as being almost as essential a part of anyone’s “safer sex kit” as condoms. Why? Because just like good personal lubricant (I recommend Sylk) it makes it easier to use condoms effectively. And if they are easy to use, then they are more likely to be used.
I am not going to recommend that ladies keep their own personal stash of Viagra to give to partners – because it’s a prescription drug that should be used under medical supervision.
But I can say: ladies, if you have a partner who can’t keep an erection with a condom, then you should encourage him to see a GP and ask for Viagra, because practicing safe sex makes it difficult for him to keep an erection. GPs will love hearing that and will be more than happy to help him have good sex safely.
For any men reading this: if you carry condoms because you might have sex and are worried about keeping an erection, then get Viagra and carry both.
More importantly: if you don’t carry condoms, or refuse to use them because they feel bad, or you can’t keep an erection, then you seriously need to try Viagra. It’s not a magic solution, but it makes condoms perfectly acceptable to use, and it’s the sane, safe, sensible thing to do for your health and your partners.
John.
It’s spring in Sydney, the weather is fine, and it’s time for the beach. What could be more grand than that?
WARNING
this short film contains nudity and is NOT SAFE FOR WORK
If you would like your own grand day out (or night in) with me, then drop me a line.
John.
You may have read a while back that I can no-longer buy my favourite lube in Australia – that’s Sylk. It’s a New Zealand made product that due to [trivial recipe change] is no longer being sold in Australia.
Let me tell you, the alternative options are grim.
I have been trying out other lubes, looking for one that might be a good substitute for Sylk and there is just nothing! They either feel sticky and unnatural, or insanely slippery and unnatural (silicon lube – which worst of all stains your linen badly too!), lumpy (!), or just feel plain nasty.
I want my Sylk back.
Well, a friend (thank you!) found a supplier in NZ online and ordered five bottles – the maximum allowed (seriously? What is that about?). And now I have a new supply…
That won’t last long, so I’m going to place my own order – with http://www.healthdelivery,com.au in NZ (don’t ask me who they have a .com.au domain name – who cares? They have SYLK and will send it to me!).
Problem solved. So now you can rest assured that when you book a date with me, I will continue to provide the finest lubrication that money can buy – because condoms. They always need extra lube, regardless.
John.
It’s nearly midnight – Saturday 1/10/2016 – and I am done with work for the night, listening to Imagine Dragons (possibly too loud), and my brain is fizzing with thoughts – about my industry, about people, about life, and the world.
All I know is that tomorrow is a new day and it will be FUN – even if daylight saving is going to steal an hour from me!
In the mean time, I thought I would share some photos from my travels.
It is a truism for me that change is the only constant in my industry. Every year brings new experiences and new groups of people seeking out the services of male escorts.
The most recent group I have met is women who have had several, or even many experiences with male escorts. This is new for me. Until recently, almost ever single client seeing me has never seen a male escort before. As such I have never really contemplated how I might stack up – so to speak. I honestly still don’t know, not in any objective sense.
What I have come to realise though is that my industry, which I love dearly is nowhere near as professional as I had assumed.
When I started promoting myself seriously several years ago I bought with me the lessons that I had learned about customer service, professionalism, and business from my many years working in I.T. It was in fact one of the reasons that very early on I created my guarantee. Perhaps it was cheeky and a bit boastful to offer women “an orgasm or your money back”, but it was meant to make a point – that is: your pleasure and satisfaction is my number one concern, and if you aren’t happy, then I will give you your money back. In point of fact, if you aren’t happy, then I would feel bad taking your money.
This doesn’t seem to be the case in the wider industry and I was genuinely saddened to hear from several different people how seriously un-professional some male escorts can be.
It did though leave me even more committed to the notion of fairness in my service, so I would like to state again for the record – if you book a date with me (whether it’s an hour or a day), and are unhappy in any way with my service, then I would rather refund your money to you in part or full as you wish and have us part on good terms. My business is only as good as my reputation and taking a person’s money when they aren’t satisfied is a great way to ruin it.
If for whatever reason our date didn’t live up to your expectations, then I would like to think that you would feel comfortable to tell me that you are unhappy. And if I can’t fix the problem – whatever it is – then rest assured that I would offer you a refund.
It’s one of the great benefits of decriminalisation of sex work in NSW that our industry is all above board and legitimate. That does however mean that all providers are governed by the consumer protection laws of this state. You as my client have a right to expect a service that matches how I promote myself. And if you don’t get that, then you are legally entitled to ask for a refund.
I know that it’s not necessarily an easy thing to do, but I strongly encourage everyone who sees me, or any other escort, to require us to be professional and deliver on our commitments, because it seems that is not always what happens. Our services don’t come cheap – I am very aware of that – whether you see someone through an agency, or an independent worker like me, so you deserve to get good value and to have the experience that you were promised.
John.
“Seven Reasons Why Every Man Should Take up Yoga” – it’s the title of an article I read today. It could have been an average puff piece with little substance, but it turned out to be a worthwhile read. And I am certain that every reason is as much applicable to women as it is to men.
What really caught my attention though was that the article was written by a former cricketer Andrew May – and it focused on how yoga is especially beneficial to older men.
Everything that he said I have either experienced or could could relate to – specifically as a man who is now 44 years old. I’m not twenty-something (this is a good thing really) and I don’t have a young man’s body. Like Andrew May and his professional sporting colleges I have a legacy of injuries, large and small, I don’t heal as rapidly as I used to, I am not as flexible as I once was, my skin isn’t as elastic as it used to be, and I now tend to gain body fat more easily around my middle. All typical aspects of aging for men.
But that doesn’t in any way mean that I dislike my body, or feel bad about it, or don’t feel attractive. On the contrary, I love my body. And being older has actually brought some improvements. When I was in my twenties, I was always very lightly built. I’m no heavy weight now, but I have “filled out” you could say. My upper body is larger and stronger and I build muscle much more easily and quickly than I ever did in my twenties.
Anyway, for many people – male or female – aging is a huge challenge for our perception of self. We are no longer the person we feel we should be. Our body is busy betraying us, and of course work and family life make it all so, so much harder.
Andrew May’s response is that yoga is the answer – and I honestly can’t disagree.
I personally prefer pilates to yoga, but they share enough basic principals (like flexibility, core strength and stability, and control) that I personally feel they are interchangeable. 10 years ago, pilates gave me a solution to a lifetime of back trouble that started when I was 15 years old.
Andrew May observed that doing yoga bought him “better mates”, better mood, and better sexual function (amongst other things). Unexpected benefits perhaps, but I would say that it shouldn’t be a surprise really. Undertaking a discipline like yoga is completely at odds with the permanently busy, consumerist lifestyle that so most of us are ruled by. Taking time out to stretch, to breath, to extend our bodies and our awareness of ourselves forces you to stop, to disconnect from the rest of the world and to just be, for a time at least.
It is no wonder I think that in doing so we can find broader benefits than being more flexible – and of course there is nothing here that says women can’t benefit just as much as us men!
John.
I think that it is a sign of maturity in a society when it empowers women to be and do what they want to do – free from control or even the observation of men.
The normalisation of sex workers (male and female) for women is one example. It’s quite a big statement that women, who for so long have had their lives, finances, and their very bodies ruled by the whims of men are now able to choose to see a sex worker and not have to apologise to any one for it.
We are moving ahead. Becoming more tolerant of each other – not always and not everywhere – but we make progress.
Another small sign of this is the arrival of the Skirt Club in Sydney (http://skirtclub.co.uk/), a UK originated sex club exclusively for women. It has a modest global membership, but by all accounts it is well liked by the women who are members. I can imagine many men feeling threatened by the very existence of such a place, but to me it’s a delight.
You can read more about it here: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/sex-and-relationships/australias-first-womenonly-sex-club-arrives-in-sydney-20160831-gr623w.html
I love the idea of women being in control of their lives and perhaps more importantly being able to choose exactly what it is that they want to do with their lives, without having to involve or answer to men, if they don’t want to. At the end of the day, it makes all of our lives, whether we are male or female richer.
So cheers Skirt Club, here’s hoping that your first party goes well!
John.
Melbourne cops more than its share of flack for bad weather, but today I haven’t a bad word to say. I left Sydney in the pouring rain and arrive to a dry Melbourne. So thank you Melbourne! I appreciate it – and am looking forward to the next few days here.
And I have a lovely view of Albert Park as well…
Nearly every email or text message that I receive from a someone contacting me for the first time includes in it somewhere:
“I am quite nervous about contacting you”
It’s entirely understandable to be nervous contacting me. After all, it’s not every day that we break societies (mostly) unwritten laws that women aren’t meant to prioritise sex in their lives, let alone go out and seek it – especially from a male escort. Doing so is definitely pushing boundaries, and whether we are comfortable with our personal choice or not, going against the social norm and contacting a stranger to arrange a date – for sex – is almost certainly going to bring out the nerves and the butterflies in the stomach.
We can experience nervousness and treat it as a bad thing and let it make us question ourselves and our choices, or – and this is my favourite – we can embrace it. Being nervous is I think part of the fun of doing something that pushes your boundaries. Being nervous gives you energy, gives you a kind of excitement, it’s recognition that what you are doing isn’t just another hum-drum part of the every day – it’s new.
So let go of the doubt, let go of the desire for control and certainty and do something that’s a little bit scary, something new, something different. Stretch yourself. Challenge yourself. There are so many benefits to be had. And I’m not just talking about seeing an escort like me, or having sex. There is a whole world of challenges – big and small – out there. Why not take one on? There is so much to gain, and really, so little to lose.
John.