When we put all our eggs in one basket, sometimes they end up scrambled

I came across an article recently in The Guardian and it frustrated me enough that I needed to write about it.

From the article:

I have been with my partner for over a decade. We met in our early-20s through mutual friends. She was with another man at the time. Things were great to begin with, the thrill continued and we had an active and adventurous sex life. Unfortunately, within a couple of years – and unbeknown to me at the time – she had difficulties at work and seemingly lost all confidence. This led to our sex life falling off a cliff. I then became withdrawn, not understanding where the rejection was coming from and that made her feel worse.

The Guardian – Sex life has fallen
off a cliff

If you have had a long term relationship then it is almost certain that you have experienced something similar to what this couple are going through.

New relationships are fun, exciting, arousing, thrilling. And can give you fantastic sex. 

Over time though this always changes in a close relationship. Often in a good way. The connection between you becomes deeper and less superficial. You can relax more as you build trust with each other. 

But you will also lose the excitement and hot passion that comes with a new person, a new body, and exciting sex. 

If you are lucky then it matures into something more comfortable and deeper. If you’re not lucky then you experience something like the couple in this article. Work, money, children, and family among other things can all impact on your relationship, but your sex life with your partner will probably be the hardest hit.

Physical and emotional stress is a killer for libido. It’s even worse though when that issue is directly between you and the person you are having sex with. We can’t expect to have great sex when one or both of us is unhappy with the other. But – because of the way conventional relationships are structured – we still have the expectation that we should be able to have good sex regardless of whatever else is going on in our relationship.

That makes no sense at all.

The even sadder part is that – like the couple in the article – when our sexual connection fails as a couple, that can make the whole situation even worse.

I was disappointed by the advice provided to the person writing about his experience “Try to sooth yourself”? “Try to be gentle with yourself”? “Your strong desire to achieve relational and personal healing will eventually find its rewards.”

That isn’t helpful advice. They are platitudes that give no suggestions for helpful action and assume the only way to have a successful relationship is to follow the “normal” script of monogamy and suffering because in the long term it might get better on its own. No. This is in my opinion bad advice.

Let’s go back to basics. Relationships can be good or bad, but usually they are somewhere in between. Unfortunately we boobytrap our relationships by going into them with a requirement of monogamy, an inability to discuss actual needs, and no preparedness to make changes when things go wrong. So when we reach the point where our relationship is in crisis we have no tools to try to fix it with.

Imagine instead an open relationship where the subject of the article was able to have sex with someone other than just his partner – who is clearly going through some serious life stresses. It might be another partner, a friend with benefits, or a sex worker – it doesn’t matter what – as long as he wasn’t feeling cast into a pit of rejection, which then fed back on his partner and made her feel even worse.

In that scenario he would still rightly miss and mourn sex with his partner – but because he wasn’t feeling totally rejected, he may have been able to actually concentrate on her and support her in the way that she needed – helping her and bringing them closer together rather than pushing them apart.

There is nothing radical about this idea. It is in fact the solution that many people implement all the time when they have affairs, or see sex workers. It’s just that they didn’t start out their relationship with that safety net in place.

Many of my clients are women who love their partners and are very happy in their relationships. They don’t want to leave them. But they need good sex in their lives to be happy. So they come to me to get it – safely and discretely – sometimes they are able to discuss and negotiate their needs with their partner and see me openly, but that is rare, because for most of us, our relationships are built on “conventional” assumptions that are never discussed until we find ourselves in crisis.

So what would my advice to the subject of the article be?

  1. Get your sexual needs fulfilled outside of the relationship to short circuit the death-spiral of rejection that you are both going through – even better if you can discuss it with her (including giving her the same opportunity – who knows, having the attention of someone new might even help her with her self esteem and confidence). But definitely don’t try to do it together! Swinging is not the answer here. It might be fun down the line when this issue is resolved, but it won’t help while you are both tied in knots over sex and each other. Do your own thing for a while, have fun, rediscover yourself
  2. You both have issues that you need to work out to be happy people in and of yourselves. Getting therapy is good, but it sounds like you both need to take a hard look at your lives and ask the difficult questions: what do I really want out of my life? Can I get it in this relationship – and job? Once those questions are answered – honestly – then you have a basis to decide if the relationship is something you want to save and if so, what part in it sex with each other can play.

This is just my opinion based on my experiences both as a sex worker and personally – but I really think that when sex is a problem between people, it’s rarely the actual problem. It’s far more likely a symptom of a larger problem that then creates it’s own complications. So the best thing to do is take sex out of the equation. Get it somewhere else for however long you need to so that it’s not sabotaging your relationship. Then, with a clear head and a mollified libido you will be in a better position to fix the real problems.

John.

Sex workers need to be resilient AND fragile

I watched an interview with director Guillermo del Toro the other day and listening to his description of what it takes to be a director resonated with me as a sex worker.

You can see the interview here:

It may seem like a strange comparison, but I think that his first point is spot on – you have to be both resilient and fragile.

In the case of directing film and television a director has to be able to deal with the business of making a film – wrangling crew and equipment, dealing with producers etc.  For sex workers, we need to do the job of making the booking happen for our client – organising hotels, travel, safer sex material like condoms and lube, our clothing, hygiene, regular STI testing.  The list goes on.  There are lots of practicalities, large and small, that we have to stay on top of, all to make sure that when the moment arrives that we meet our clients that we can – as del Toro puts it – “be fragile”.

For a director that means being able to work with their actors (and crew), be sensitive to their needs and to the story.  To empathise and to give them what they need to be able to give their best performance.

For a sex worker, we need to be emotionally available, receptive, and responsive to our client’s needs.  Some people need their sex worker to be kind and compassionate.  To listen and empathise, to be gentle and caring.  Others need us to challenge and excite.  And many variations between. 

We live and work in a strange place of real emotions and responses in a setting where we are being paid for our time. There are inherent contradictions in that situation, but it can’t be faked – especially for a male sex worker for women. This may in part be the reason that there are so few of us that are able to do the job at all, let alone stay in the industry in the long term.

Women want sex just as much as men, so there is plenty of demand for my time and my colleges in the industry. As men we may be good at doing the “resilient” part – but it’s the “fragile” moments that we need to be ready to give to the women who book our services. It’s the fragile moments that make the experience real.

John.

It’s ok to want what you want – AND it’s ok to ask for it

I don’t think that it can be said often enough, clearly enough, and loudly enough, but…

(provided it’s consensual) IT’S OK TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT.  AND TO ASK YOUR PARTNER FOR IT.

Of course this is complicated infinitely by the dynamics of relationships, their history, your collective insecurities, children, age, physical issue, and more…

But at the end of the day you are allowed to want what you want. You are allowed to be turned on by what arouses you.  And you are allowed to ask for it.

I think that many people – while they may know all of this at some level – find it very hard to consciously accept it – let along to act on it.

It has happened many times that women who have made bookings with me have told me later that they didn’t feel that they could ask me for what they wanted. To be clear – I don’t blame them for this. It’s the result of a much larger problem that we have as a society around sexuality and sexual expression.

But it emphasises the scope of this problem. Everyone who books with me is buying my service and we have a discussion about what they want. But many women still don’t feel free to say “hey I would like us to do XYZ”.

I do my best to draw people out about their needs and wants, but I do have to be gentle about it. Some people genuinely don’t know what they want. Most of us are on a journey sexually and we are learning what works for us and what doesn’t every time we have sex with someone new (or are prompted by a partner). So I try to avoid pressuring anyone who may not need to, or want to start exploring their boundaries.

All of this though is to say – as clearly and directly as I can – that if you do want to try something or are even just curious to talk about a subject with me, that you should always feel free to ask. Even if it’s was something that I personally didn’t want to do – I will never judge you for it or be critical. At the worst I would politely decline and perhaps offer an alternative.

As a society, we need to be better at talking to each other about sex. The first step in that process though is being better about accepting our own sexuality and being able to have that conversation with ourselves. If we can’t even do that then it makes it almost impossible to have an open conversation with other people – like partners and children.

John

How to hire a sex worker – from a woman’s point of view

Sex worker Georgie Wolf published an article a little while back that I wanted to share with you. As her the title of this article, it’s a primer on how to hire a sex worker (male or female), written for women who may be contemplating this indulgence. You can see it here…

All of the points that Georgie (who hires sex workers herself occasionally) are good, but I can’t agree more strongly than with her first point: do your research.

It is the single most important part of having a good experience with a sex worker. Get to know as much as you can about them. It will become obvious if they are a good fit for you. If they aren’t – then move on to the next person. There are lots of us out there and there is probably someone who is right for you.

I have always maintained that I do not want to see every client possible – I just want to see the women who I am well suited to and who are well suited to me. That way we are going to have the best experience together possible.

So ladies – I know I don’t have to tell you this, but it’s always worth repeating – as Georgie says: do your research!

John.

Sex for the first time – for best results, do it more than once!

Every year I see about five or so women who want to experience penetrative sex for the first time. Now if this topic is of interest to you and you have read my posts and articles about it, you will know that I recommend a longer date – preferably overnight, but at least a full evening. The reason I do is that is it allows you to try sex more than once – preferably up to three or four times. That’s basically impossible to do in a one or two hour booking.

But why does it matter? If you’ve done it once, then you’ve done it right?

That is true – but it’s not the path to the best experience, and personally I think trying sex multiple times puts you in a much better position to enjoy sex the next time you have it.

Some background: when you have sex for the first time you are probably going to be tense and at least a bit nervous. You aren’t going to be really relaxed, even if you really want to do it. All of that is perfectly natural, but it means that the experience of having something as big as a penis in your vagina for the first time is going to be a challenge. It shouldn’t be badly painful – if it is then there is a problem and you and your partner need to slow down and perhaps go back to finger play and things that let you get used to the sensation and experience of penetration. At worst it should be just uncomfortable, with some occasional twinges.

Then there is the simple biological reality of the muscles of your vagina learning to stretch as required. In this regard, they are like any other muscle in your body – if you want to do the splits, then it takes time and patience to lengthen the muscles in your legs so that they can stretch easily without pain. Granted, vaginal muscles do this quicker and more easily, but it still takes time.

So. The first time you succeed having penetrative sex, you have mostly covered all of the stuff above. But it wasn’t going to be great sex – just like doing stretching exercises aren’t as much fun as getting to your goal.

And if that is where you leave the experience – especially if you are seeing me and don’t have options to try sex again soon – then you are going to look back on the experience and at best say “oh well, it was ok, but nothing special, what’s the big deal about sex?”

Well, the “big deal” may start to become apparent the second time, or the third time you have sex. I have seen it happen so many times – a woman having sex for the third time and saying “oh… now I get it! Yeah it’s still a bit uncomfortable, but it’s starting to feel gooooood!”.

So this is what lead me to recommending that women wanting to have sex for the first time book a longer date. When it’s over, you are going to walk away seeing the pleasure potential of sex and probably having actually enjoyed it. And that to me is the goal – not just to give you an experience that lets you say “well that’s done” but to leave you ready to explore your body and looking forward to finding out just how great sex can be.

I do realise though that a long booking may be financially difficult for you, or you simply may not want to commit to doing the whole thing in one go. In that case I recommend three or four short (two hour) bookings instead. Arranged close together, say over a few weeks, you basically get the same outcome and we can arrange it so it doesn’t cost more.

In conclusion: our society fetishises “virginity” way too much, to the point of it being unhealthy. But that statement also fails to recognise that having sex for the first time genuinely is a big deal for most women, regardless of their age or other experiences, and it really should be treated as such. Most men don’t respect that fact enough and society as a whole needs to find a balance between *OH MY GOD YOU’RE A VIRGIN” and “Virginity is a social construct!”.

It makes me happy to be a part of this conversation and to be able to offer an experience that many women want and need.

John.

For a good time call…

You know the cliche – scrawled on a bathroom wall, or in the lyrics of a song – “for a good time call…”

But it begs the question: why shouldn’t we call someone when we have a sexual need that we want fulfilled?

In Western cultures especially, everything is comercialised. Food. Water. Healthcare (even when it’s free, the provision is still paid for), entertainment, transport. Everything beyond the air we breath has a price on it – and we, generally, see that as perfectly normal and acceptable even if we grumble about prices.

But not sex.

Even when sex is being sold and paid for legally – as a society – we don’t like to talk about it. We don’t like to admit that some people happily sell sex and others happily buy it. That some people sell sex out of necessity and are grateful that they can. That some people have few or no other options to get the sex that they want and are grateful that there are providers who will see them.

In short, even here in New South Wales where sex work is decriminalised, “social norms” have not caught up with the law. It’s a good thing that the law is more progressive than people. We get to have things like same sex marriage and the right to sell sex services even though the general public, if they think about it at all, might tend to oppose it.

But as someone who might be considering buying sex, you have had to make a journey from one side of that divide to the other. It’s not an easy journey. It may require a person to question unconscious beliefs. To challenge (even in their own mind) the narrative they hear from friends and family, the media, and of course religion.

So many barriers. So many hurdles. But here you are reading an article written by a man who is paid by women to provide sexual services to them…

That, to me, is quite remarkable. I love that despite the finger wagging. Despite the rhetoric. Despite centuries of indoctrination. Despite our very way of life, our social norms declaring that monogamous relationships are the only way we are allowed to indulge in sex that isn’t somehow improper –

Women and couples still choose to own their sexuality. To say no to convention. To ignore the people who push shame and guilt on others. And to pay for the sex that they want and need.

Sex work is the best work I have done in my entire life. I love it and I love the people who it brings to my life.

So if you are thinking of engaging my services, then as the cliche goes… “for a good time call John, 0437 520 539” (or text, or drop me an email!).

John.

Living our best lives

I have to admit that I live in a bit of a bubble. I don’t watch commercial television or listen to commercial radio. I don’t read newspapers (online, or paper).

I have terms like “Donald Trump”, “Scott Morrison” and “politics” blocked on Twitter.

I really don’t need the ongoing train wreck of Western politics in my face – even occasionally.

And then there’s commercial TV and radio – swamped by cheap to produce reality TV, “current affairs” programs that platform racists in the name of “balance” and ignore the very real problems in the world in favour of tabloid sensationalism.

I’m happy in my bubble honestly. I spend my work times with interesting people who on the whole care about the sort of things I care about – social justice, tolerance, freedom – people who understand that the world is bigger than them and requires an open mind.

As I write this, I am in Canberra. I stopped earlier at a self serve car wash to wash my car and (disappointingly) had to listen to a commercial radio station for the 15 minutes it took me to clean the car.

It reaffirmed to me that I haven’t been missing anything. From the inane banter about clothing to the news items delivered in the most effective way to make a listener feel stressed about things that don’t actually matter.

It was all just noise. Noise that, if you let it, will drown out the things in life that do matter. This is the very real problem with the “modern condition” living in a place like Sydney.

I heard recently of a man, who emigrated to Australia from India and settled in Sydney. He found employment and has been living like so many of us do – working to pay the rent and have some free time and money to enjoy himself.

His realisation though is profound: he has decided to return to the small town that his family comes from in India – because the quality of life there, while modest, is better for him than the kind of life that we live here in Sydney. In his home town he doesn’t have a lot of money, but he has time – time to spend with friends and family doing whatever they want to, or even nothing at all. He may not have great restaurants to go to like we do, but food is cheap and he and his family have time to cook and share good meals.

The list goes on, but I think that you can see the point I am making – we sacrifice a lot living in a place like Sydney. Our lives are driven by work. Our free time is seriously restricted by the daily requirement to earn money to pay rent.

A semi-rural lifestyle with limited money may not seem like the best life to you and me – we have grown up in a different way and have different expectations – but I think that it can still teach us something.

That lesson is: we shouldn’t see work and the assumption that we must all do it all the time as an inherently good thing. For most of us it is a necessary thing, but it tends to draw us away for the fundamentals of human nature – that is connections with the people around us, the sharing of simple pleasures, and time to just “be”, rather than “do”.

I think that this lesson is particularly relevant when considering my industry. Paying for the services of a male escort like myself absolutely costs money. But it’s trading money not for another “thing” in ones life, but for an experience. The older I get, the less interested I become in having things in my life and the more I value the experiences I have with other people.

Much like the gentleman from India, what I really want is to live a life full of people and new experiences with them. I think that, if anything, is the way to live a fulfilling life.

John.

Minister Stuart Robert! The NDIS should fund sex services

You may be aware that an Australian woman living with multiple sclerosis challenged our National Disability Insurance Scheme and won when they rejected her request for the NDIS to fund a therapist to provide her with regular sexual release.

You can read about the case here:

https://www.google.com/amp/amp.abc.net.au/article/11298838

This is a huge step forward in the recognition of sex as a natural and fundamental part of the human condition and that people with disabilities deserve it too.

Sadly though that is where the politician stepped in (from the article).

“Minister for the NDIS, Stuart Robert, said that ruling was out of line with community expectations.

‘The National Disability Insurance Agency (NDIA) intends to appeal the recent decision,’ he said.

‘The current position continues to be that the NDIS does not cover sexual services, sexual therapy or sex workers in a participant’s NDIS plan.'”

First – can I just say that it is nice to see a politician (particularly a conservative one) using the term “sex worker”. It’s rare and appreciated.

Sadly though Stuart Robert then fails to be a leader and reverts to nebulous conservative morality to justify appealing against the decision.

He claims that the NDIS funding sexual service for people who cannot experience sex because of their disability is not in line with “community expectations”.

There is a lot to unpack here.

The first is the idea that “the community” has a right to tell people what they can and can’t do in the bedroom. I think that we have, through things like the decriminalisation of homosexuality and indeed sex work here in NSW (and the Australian Capital Territory, and New Zealand), established that “the community” has no right to tell consenting adults what they can and can’t do to each other.

The second is that a minister of our government is hide bound to follow “community expectations”. This is absurd. Ministers make unpopular decisions regularly, they do so – they will tell you – for the good of the nation, to protect minorities, the environment etc.

So Stuart Robert claiming that he is duty bound to challenge the ruling because “the community” wouldn’t like people with disabilities being able to enjoy basic sexual release is nothing more than abdicating his responsibility as a minister and failing to be a true leader. Stuart Robert – if you are listening: man up and do your job.

Also – has Robert Stuart actually asked “the community” what we want? I’m fairly sure this question has never been polled anywhere, that being the case it’s even worse than abdication. He’s just deflecting and using the presumed moral authority (of “the community) to avoid having to take a stance that his party and his (presumably conservative) electorate might not like (read: he’s afraid he won’t get re-elected if he lets people with disabilities have an occasional shag).

As a straight male sex worker (escort) for women, I have been working with women with disabilities for almost my entire career. I know absolutely how important having intimate touch and the ability to enjoy and experience their sexuality is.

But personal experience shouldn’t even be necessary. Do we – does Stuart Robert – have no ability to empathise? Has he ever stopped to imagine never having someone touch him again in a sexual way? How about never being touched and being unable to even touch himself?

This is the reality of life for many of my clients with disabilities. And it’s not their fault. It’s just what they live with because life dealt them a shitty hand.

We happily fund or subsidise (through the NDIS) education, physical therapy, medication, accommodation, travel, and more for people who we as a society recognise are unable or disadvantaged to get those things for themselves because of their disability.

The only way that we can justify not funding sexual services as part of an NDIS plan is if we believe that sex isn’t an integral part of the human experience. I know that I personally need sex in my life to be a happy and fulfilled person. If I don’t have it, then it seriously impacts on my quality of life.

This is a message that I hear from my clients – able bodied or otherwise – regularly.

So why would “the community” have a problem with the NDIS allowing people with disabilities to occasionally enjoy what most of us take for granted?

John.

The chance to say goodbye

Just to clarify before I continue – I am not retiring! This post is a celebration of my ongoing experiences as a sex worker and a reflection on the ebb and flow of people from my professional life.

I have been a straight male escort for women and couples for almost ten years continuously. In that time I have met and had the good fortune to spend time with many, many lovely people. It has been a transformative experience for me in many ways. It lead me to a balanced and happy relationship with my sexuality. It made me financially stable and secure. It has allowed me to explore my other passions like photography and film making.

Sex work has been an enormous net benefit to my life.

I like to also think that – based on what many of my clients say – I make a difference to their lives as well.

As a sex worker I am not owed anything by my clients beyond the terms of our booking and the basic respect of any interaction with another person. This means that I give my clients privacy and allow them to dictate things like when we communicate. I am there for them when they need and want me. That’s the deal that I accept and respect as a sex worker.

Clients have come and gone as the years have passed. Some I see just a handful of time, others stay for many years. But because I don’t feel that it is appropriate for me to intrude, when a client moves on with their life I rarely get the chance to say goodbye.

This week saw the last booking that I will have with a client who has been seeing me regularly for almost five years. She is moving overseas, so this is a natural end to our professional relationship. I was lucky in this case, because the circumstances allowed us the opportunity to say goodbye, to reminisce, and to close out a chapter of our lives with smiles, hugs, fond memories, and some tears.

It’s a relatively rare thing for me to have this privilege. I understand that I am not owed it. So when it does happen it makes it even more special.

When it doesn’t happen, I am satisfied with the knowledge that a person is moving on with their life, hopefully with good memories, perhaps with new confidence. Some will have found a partner, fallen in love perhaps. Others have outgrown the need for companionship of the kind that I offer.

But I always feel a little wistful looking back over the last nine odd years and wondering where those people, who I was lucky enough to share a little piece of their lives with, are now.

I hope that they are happy. And I want to say thank you, even if I can’t reach out and say it directly.

John.

New South Wales and New Zealand – sex work paradise for clients and workers

As the only places in the world to have officially decriminalised sex work, NSW and NZ are simply the best places to be a sex worker for women, like me – or to be a client of sex workers.

If you are reading this article, then you are at least aware of the existence of sex work for women as an industry, which is great. But you probably don’t know much about its regulation – for which you can be completely forgiven.

The reality is that in most places in the world (including other states in Australia) my work would be either heavily regulated, or outright illegal. Which means that most of my peers – male, female, et al live and work with a lot more risk to their health, and to their legal and physical safety.

This of course also applies to our clients. There are movements around the world (and even here in Australia) trying, more or less successfully, to explicitly criminalise clients of sex workers.

While things are much better for many sex workers these days even outside of NSW and NZ thanks to the Internet, we live in dark times. The same tools that allow sex workers to find and vet clients are used by zelots to expose and out us, to shame us publicly, to entrap us and to block us from the online tools and resources that allow us to work safely

In the US in particular, this hysteria has even started to overflow onto the public in general and women in particular. Hotel chains, jumping on the wildly over blown “sex trafficking” band wagon are blocking single women from their bars (on the premise that if a woman isn’t accompanied by a man, then she must be being exploited by someone). It’s truly like something out of The Hand Maids Tale and genuinely scary to see women’s hard fort for rights being eroded so quickly and easily.

The lack of rigor (lets be honest – sheer stupidity) of this kind of thinking may, to the average Australian seem unbelievable, but it is representative of the general lack of sophistication of the discourse being had around sex work by people who are not sex workers.

So I wanted to take a moment to highlight just how lucky we are – as both sex workers and as clients to live in a place like Australia (or New Zealand). We are (mostly) free to go about our work. (Mostly) protected by the police and the law from harm (don’t forget that as a client of a legal business like mine, you are always protected by consumer law and the police).

At the end of the day, decriminalisation is good for everyone. It’s good for me, it protects you as a my client, and I would argue that it is good for our society in general.

Here in NSW we don’t waste police and government resources harassing consenting adults who just want to exchange some money to have sex in a safe, consensual environment.

When you are inside this system it seems natural and reasonable, logical even – and I think that we should celebrate that. I love my industry and the fact that I have the opportunity to meet the people I do through my work. And I hope that knowing a little bit more about how our work is regulated may help give you the confidence that you need to engage the services of a sex worker who is right for you!

John.