What a great evening to be capturing a firey sunset time-lapse!
John.
It’s a gorgeous Sydney evening!
Reply
Kissing, sex, and conversation
Kissing is cool. How cool? Really cool. Like make your entire day WAY better cool. I have been reminded of this fact twice recently when I was booked to give a Kissing Lesson – yes, seriously, that’s a thing that I can do for you.
Google “benefits of kissing” and you will find a wealth of research and explanations about the effects and benefits of kissing – like boosting seratonin, decreasing cortisol, improving immunity, and much more. So we know for a fact that kissing is genuinely, measurably good for us.
The problem though is that for most of us kissing isn’t really given any priority in our live – or love lives. It’s the kind of thing that you do with a new partner right? Because you can do it in public when your still in that stage of wanting to rip each others clothes off every five minutes.
But as a relationship grows and the passionate heat turns into more of a warm comfortable glow, then kissing just becomes a greeting – hello, goodbye, or a quick prelude to the really good part (sex).
Well not so fast. It’s time to exert some discipline. While you are reading books about tantra and looking for ways to make sex richer, you really, really need to incorporate kissing. Not just short or occasional kisses, but real deep, long kisses. Nothing perfunctory, but kisses that are a “conversation” between you both in their own right.
When I talk to clients about kissing and how it should be, I describe it as “a conversation between you, but using your lips, tongue, your hands – and your body!”.
And don’t think that it kissing is just a matter of a set of “moves”. If you were talking to your partner, you wouldn’t repeat the same sentences over and over, instead you listen to what the other person has said and you reply in a way that makes sense and furthers the conversation. It should be the same for kissing. Feel what your partner is doing and respond to it in a way that makes sense.
So a soft slow kiss shouldn’t be responded to with mashing of lips and heaps of tongue (that should be obvious, but some guys just don’t get it). Likewise, a passionate kiss demands a passionate response! If you’re not into it, then fair enough, but if you are, then don’t hesitate to give as good as you get. You can also lead a kiss from slow and gentle, to deep and hard, then back again.
As you kiss, you need to be active. Pucker your lips, move your tongue – Use your hands, use your body. Everything you do reinforces the message of the kiss (or contrasts with it!).
So don’t treat kissing as perfunctory, or just a step toward sex. See it as a whole experience. Take ten minutes – or half and hour, with your partner just to kiss. Explore the sensations and the communication that you can have through it. Then pay attention to how you feel afterward. I’m betting that like me, you will find that the sun shines a little brighter, the day seems better, and life seems a little sweeter!
John.
Melbourne bound!
Not long now! I will be in Melbourne in just over a week. My flights are booked, accommodation is sorted – and I have one time still available (on Saturday night) for anyone who would like to experience some first class sensual indulgence…
Melbourne, I’m looking forward to seeing you soon!
John.
The condom conundrum – and how to fix it!
Women of the world, you need to know something about guys, sex, and condoms: men are caught upon the horns of a dilemma – and it matters to you as much as us.
Background: I talk to a lot of women. It’s literally my job. And what I often hear from women who are participating in The Dating Scene is: guys hate condoms and will try to get out of wearing them.
That is fine if everyone is consenting and everyone is getting tested regularly for STIs. But that’s rarely the case and so there is general unhappiness and often bad behaviour.
This post is about trying to understand one of the (probably) multiple reasons that guys have an issue with condoms – and most importantly, what can be done to help. First off, many guys are just selfish and uneducated, they don’t perceive, or understand the risks of unprotected sex, they just want sex on their terms. I am not talking about them.
The specific issue I want to address is about sensitivity and maintaining an erection. Most men are literally in a no win situation here. If a man has a well balanced level of sensitivity that during unprotected sex allows him to go for as long as he and his partner desire, then it’s a safe bet that when he puts on a condom for protected sex, that he is going to have trouble maintaining an erection – and even achieving orgasm.
This is not his fault – it’s not even a failing. It’s a perfectly normal biological response. Male arousal is a constant act of balance (between staying hard and coming too quickly), one that is affected by myriad factors – and putting on, or taking off a condom throws that entire balancing act out of whack.
Now imagine going the other way: a man who can last happily wearing a condom, has sex with his partner without one. It’s like having the pleasure dial turned ALL THE WAY UP TO TEN. Condoms cut down the intensity of sensation. They also decrease the exquisite detail of sensation that comes from unprotected sex. That man isn’t going to last. He is going to orgasm in minutes, or even seconds.
Having lived with and overcome premature ejaculation, I can say from experience that you can’t just “adapt” to condoms one day, no condoms the next. Our arousal pattern and sexual response is a learned skill. One that is deeply tied up in things like self image, emotional and physical maturity, ego etc. Changing it takes time, effort, and usually help (ideally from a caring partner).
So there is the dilemma: if you are good with condoms, you will have trouble with unprotected sex. If you are chilled out and can savour unprotected sex, then condoms will be a nightmare of limp dick and disappointment all round. There is just no winning.
There is however a solution. The solution is that well known, but little understood friend of erectile dysfunction – Viagra (or one of it’s off label equivalents).
But say the name and men and women alike often get very uncomfortable… from “You can’t have sex with me without taking Viagra? Then you must not find me attractive”, to: “If I have to take it, that means I must be a failure – there is something wrong with me…”
Neither of these things are true, but we are talking about human psychology here. We are all slaves to our subconscious fears until we educate ourselves.
So, here’s a little background on Viagra:
- It’s not a magic pill that gives you an erection. What it does is allow you to sustain an erection more easily IF you can get one. So, if a guy isn’t turned on by the though of sex with a woman then Viagra or not, he will not get an erection. If he is aroused, then he will get a bigger, harder, longer lasting erection if he has taken it
- Because it increases the hardness of an erection, it also increases sensation and sensitivity (an excellent side effect if you have to use condoms!)
- It has side effects if you don’t use it correctly, like headaches (it’s a vaso-dilator, so take too big a dose on an empty stomach and it will basically give you a migraine headache), it can also cause elevated heart rate (again, vaso-dilator, so your heart has to work harder to keep your blood pressure up). Disturbed vision (people report getting a blue tinge to their eyesight as the blue light receptors in the eye ball become more responsive when blood flow in the retina is boosted). Like any medication, you really need to talk to your doctor about it and make sure that it is safe for you too take
- It’s pretty cheap now that the patent has expired
- It takes between half and one hour to take effect
- The dose (between 25mg and 100mg) will depend on your size and weight. If you are 80 kgs or so, then 50mg should be enough. Bigger or smaller, then adjust the dose accordingly
- Take it with food for slower, longer lasting effect and less chance of side-effects like migraine
You have probably already guessed where I am going with all of this, so here’s the “money shot”:
If you are having sex with a partner with condoms and he can’t keep an erection (possibly leading to bad behaviour and pressuring you to have unprotected sex when you are unsure about your respective STI statuses) then he may not just be a jerk. He may actually have a genuine issue that he doesn’t understand very well and is self-conscious or embarrassed about.
If that is the case, then you need to talk to him about Viagra. I know that this shouldn’t be your responsibility, but you can help turn a huge issue for both of you into a non-issue that gets everyone most of what they want, safely.
Needing to take Viagra can seem like a blow to the ego – for both men and women! But I have come to see it as being almost as essential a part of anyone’s “safer sex kit” as condoms. Why? Because just like good personal lubricant (I recommend Sylk) it makes it easier to use condoms effectively. And if they are easy to use, then they are more likely to be used.
I am not going to recommend that ladies keep their own personal stash of Viagra to give to partners – because it’s a prescription drug that should be used under medical supervision.
But I can say: ladies, if you have a partner who can’t keep an erection with a condom, then you should encourage him to see a GP and ask for Viagra, because practicing safe sex makes it difficult for him to keep an erection. GPs will love hearing that and will be more than happy to help him have good sex safely.
For any men reading this: if you carry condoms because you might have sex and are worried about keeping an erection, then get Viagra and carry both.
More importantly: if you don’t carry condoms, or refuse to use them because they feel bad, or you can’t keep an erection, then you seriously need to try Viagra. It’s not a magic solution, but it makes condoms perfectly acceptable to use, and it’s the sane, safe, sensible thing to do for your health and your partners.
John.
A grand day out!
It’s spring in Sydney, the weather is fine, and it’s time for the beach. What could be more grand than that?
WARNING
this short film contains nudity and is NOT SAFE FOR WORK
If you would like your own grand day out (or night in) with me, then drop me a line.
John.
Lube!
You may have read a while back that I can no-longer buy my favourite lube in Australia – that’s Sylk. It’s a New Zealand made product that due to [trivial recipe change] is no longer being sold in Australia.
Let me tell you, the alternative options are grim.
I have been trying out other lubes, looking for one that might be a good substitute for Sylk and there is just nothing! They either feel sticky and unnatural, or insanely slippery and unnatural (silicon lube – which worst of all stains your linen badly too!), lumpy (!), or just feel plain nasty.
I want my Sylk back.
Well, a friend (thank you!) found a supplier in NZ online and ordered five bottles – the maximum allowed (seriously? What is that about?). And now I have a new supply…
That won’t last long, so I’m going to place my own order – with http://www.healthdelivery,com.au in NZ (don’t ask me who they have a .com.au domain name – who cares? They have SYLK and will send it to me!).
Problem solved. So now you can rest assured that when you book a date with me, I will continue to provide the finest lubrication that money can buy – because condoms. They always need extra lube, regardless.
John.
Nearly midnight…
It’s nearly midnight – Saturday 1/10/2016 – and I am done with work for the night, listening to Imagine Dragons (possibly too loud), and my brain is fizzing with thoughts – about my industry, about people, about life, and the world.
All I know is that tomorrow is a new day and it will be FUN – even if daylight saving is going to steal an hour from me!
In the mean time, I thought I would share some photos from my travels.
You have a right to expect a professional
It is a truism for me that change is the only constant in my industry. Every year brings new experiences and new groups of people seeking out the services of male escorts.
The most recent group I have met is women who have had several, or even many experiences with male escorts. This is new for me. Until recently, almost ever single client seeing me has never seen a male escort before. As such I have never really contemplated how I might stack up – so to speak. I honestly still don’t know, not in any objective sense.
What I have come to realise though is that my industry, which I love dearly is nowhere near as professional as I had assumed.
When I started promoting myself seriously several years ago I bought with me the lessons that I had learned about customer service, professionalism, and business from my many years working in I.T. It was in fact one of the reasons that very early on I created my guarantee. Perhaps it was cheeky and a bit boastful to offer women “an orgasm or your money back”, but it was meant to make a point – that is: your pleasure and satisfaction is my number one concern, and if you aren’t happy, then I will give you your money back. In point of fact, if you aren’t happy, then I would feel bad taking your money.
This doesn’t seem to be the case in the wider industry and I was genuinely saddened to hear from several different people how seriously un-professional some male escorts can be.
It did though leave me even more committed to the notion of fairness in my service, so I would like to state again for the record – if you book a date with me (whether it’s an hour or a day), and are unhappy in any way with my service, then I would rather refund your money to you in part or full as you wish and have us part on good terms. My business is only as good as my reputation and taking a person’s money when they aren’t satisfied is a great way to ruin it.
If for whatever reason our date didn’t live up to your expectations, then I would like to think that you would feel comfortable to tell me that you are unhappy. And if I can’t fix the problem – whatever it is – then rest assured that I would offer you a refund.
It’s one of the great benefits of decriminalisation of sex work in NSW that our industry is all above board and legitimate. That does however mean that all providers are governed by the consumer protection laws of this state. You as my client have a right to expect a service that matches how I promote myself. And if you don’t get that, then you are legally entitled to ask for a refund.
I know that it’s not necessarily an easy thing to do, but I strongly encourage everyone who sees me, or any other escort, to require us to be professional and deliver on our commitments, because it seems that is not always what happens. Our services don’t come cheap – I am very aware of that – whether you see someone through an agency, or an independent worker like me, so you deserve to get good value and to have the experience that you were promised.
John.
Yoga and being over forty
“Seven Reasons Why Every Man Should Take up Yoga” – it’s the title of an article I read today. It could have been an average puff piece with little substance, but it turned out to be a worthwhile read. And I am certain that every reason is as much applicable to women as it is to men.
What really caught my attention though was that the article was written by a former cricketer Andrew May – and it focused on how yoga is especially beneficial to older men.
Everything that he said I have either experienced or could could relate to – specifically as a man who is now 44 years old. I’m not twenty-something (this is a good thing really) and I don’t have a young man’s body. Like Andrew May and his professional sporting colleges I have a legacy of injuries, large and small, I don’t heal as rapidly as I used to, I am not as flexible as I once was, my skin isn’t as elastic as it used to be, and I now tend to gain body fat more easily around my middle. All typical aspects of aging for men.
But that doesn’t in any way mean that I dislike my body, or feel bad about it, or don’t feel attractive. On the contrary, I love my body. And being older has actually brought some improvements. When I was in my twenties, I was always very lightly built. I’m no heavy weight now, but I have “filled out” you could say. My upper body is larger and stronger and I build muscle much more easily and quickly than I ever did in my twenties.
Anyway, for many people – male or female – aging is a huge challenge for our perception of self. We are no longer the person we feel we should be. Our body is busy betraying us, and of course work and family life make it all so, so much harder.
Andrew May’s response is that yoga is the answer – and I honestly can’t disagree.
I personally prefer pilates to yoga, but they share enough basic principals (like flexibility, core strength and stability, and control) that I personally feel they are interchangeable. 10 years ago, pilates gave me a solution to a lifetime of back trouble that started when I was 15 years old.
Andrew May observed that doing yoga bought him “better mates”, better mood, and better sexual function (amongst other things). Unexpected benefits perhaps, but I would say that it shouldn’t be a surprise really. Undertaking a discipline like yoga is completely at odds with the permanently busy, consumerist lifestyle that so most of us are ruled by. Taking time out to stretch, to breath, to extend our bodies and our awareness of ourselves forces you to stop, to disconnect from the rest of the world and to just be, for a time at least.
It is no wonder I think that in doing so we can find broader benefits than being more flexible – and of course there is nothing here that says women can’t benefit just as much as us men!
John.
A sex club just for women
I think that it is a sign of maturity in a society when it empowers women to be and do what they want to do – free from control or even the observation of men.
The normalisation of sex workers (male and female) for women is one example. It’s quite a big statement that women, who for so long have had their lives, finances, and their very bodies ruled by the whims of men are now able to choose to see a sex worker and not have to apologise to any one for it.
We are moving ahead. Becoming more tolerant of each other – not always and not everywhere – but we make progress.
Another small sign of this is the arrival of the Skirt Club in Sydney (http://skirtclub.co.uk/), a UK originated sex club exclusively for women. It has a modest global membership, but by all accounts it is well liked by the women who are members. I can imagine many men feeling threatened by the very existence of such a place, but to me it’s a delight.
You can read more about it here: http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life-and-relationships/sex-and-relationships/australias-first-womenonly-sex-club-arrives-in-sydney-20160831-gr623w.html
I love the idea of women being in control of their lives and perhaps more importantly being able to choose exactly what it is that they want to do with their lives, without having to involve or answer to men, if they don’t want to. At the end of the day, it makes all of our lives, whether we are male or female richer.
So cheers Skirt Club, here’s hoping that your first party goes well!
John.