The fallacy of “female viagra”

Today I saw this article in the Sydney Morning Herald that discusses the race to create a “female viagra”:

http://www.smh.com.au/good-weekend/multimillion-dollar-race-to-find-a-pink-viagra-20141121-11e1b6.html

There’s a saying that goes … “to a hammer, everything looks like a nail”.

Therefore it is no-surprise-at-all to me that pharmaceutical companies (who as a matter of course make drugs and sell them to people) would like to have a convenient pill to sell to women to alleviate their “sexual dysfunction”. Hammer/nail.

There are so many things wrong with this conversation about why women don’t want, or don’t enjoy sex that it’s hard to know where to begin. Perhaps the most pertinent place is with “male viagra” and to define what it really is, as opposed to what this article (and popular culture) think it is.

Viagra is the brand name that Pfizer gave the drug sildenafil. Sildenafil is a vasodilator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasodilation). In short, this means that it increases blood flow, particularly arterial blood flow (that conveniently carries blood to the penis). This is VERY, VERY useful if you are male, older, less fit, have poor circulation etc. It can make getting and sustaining an erection much easier. But it doesn’t create arousal.

So, viagra gets your blood flowing. But it does not create arousal. Let me say that again: viagra does not create arousal in a man. This is a common misconception, and one embodied in the title of this article. No arousal, no erection, no-matter how much viagra you have popped.

As implied by this article, men rarely suffer from a lack of desire and arousal for sex. What some men lack (due to age, and perhaps less than ideal health) is the blood flow to get and keep their penis hard. Women on the other hand often lack the arousal. Therefore it is pointless – in my opinion – to talk about a “female viagra”. Viagra works perfectly well on women as a vasodilator. The obvious problem is that this doesn’t do one damn thing to increase a woman’s level of arousal. It probably won’t hurt, but it’s not going to change a woman’s perception of someone who she don’t feel like having sex with.

What people who talk about female viagra are really talking about is developing a drug that makes women aroused (or some facsimile of). There is at least one very obvious problem here, so lets address it first: this is sounding seriously shady to me. We usually call these sorts of things “date rape” drugs. You know, things like rohipnol (who’s effects include: disinhibition and impaired judgment). If a woman can pop a pill to become aroused, then what is to stop someone else slipping them a pill to do the same?

I am sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be horrified to hear me characterise their work in this way, but at the end of the day making a pill that alters women’s state of mind to increase sexual arousal is a dangerous and very slippery slope. There is of course a common drug that already does this sort of thing. It’s called alcohol. Used in moderation it can be socially beneficial. Used inappropriately it can be disastrous – and people think that a more powerful version would be better?

A second problem is that, if you are trying to develop a drug that creates the physical responses of female arousal (like vaginal lubrication etc) then you are again missing the point. Having the physical indications of being ready for sex in no way guarantee that a woman will actually want to have sex with the man in front of her. Being wet, or having an erection doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex. Just that your body is ready to do so. Granted, for women who have issues with a lack of lubrication (as many women do post menopause for instance), then this could be a good thing. However that’s not really what the article, or the pharmaceutical companies are focusing on.

So, lets stop talking about “female viagra”. Lets instead have an adult discussion about why so many women don’t want sex. Or lose interest sexually in their partners as relationships age. Lets talk about how the concept of the “nuclear family” (and the social and physical isolation that causes) effects women’s libidos. Or about long work hours (for men and women), stress, debt, consumer culture, social dislocation, negative body image messages, hormonal contraceptives, lack of skill and interest from male partners, social pressure for “conventional” relationships, monogamy, and plenty more.  All of these things play a part in women having sex lives that are unfulfilled.

And that’s where the answers to the question of how to arouse women lie. Not in pills. Not in miracle cures. The problem of how to make a man’s erection last longer and be harder is trivial by comparison. Answering this question requires a revolution in both our thought and behaviour. It’s little wonder that people and business just want a pill! This stuff is hard, bordering on impossible to address. However, if we look hard at our lives, work out what really matters to us as people, then we can start to work on changing our lives to support those things. It’s not an easy thing to do for most of us, but that’s the reality of life. It is incumbent upon us all to find our own path.

John.

Orgasmic Meditation and the 15 minute orgasm

Ok, I admit it, the title of this post is click bait, but the title is important, as is the subject. I was recently shown an article in Sneaky Magazine, here that talked about a growing movement (?) from a US organisation called One Taste that teaches people (men and women working together) what they call orgasmic meditation.

From the One Taste website:

“Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice embracing and utilizing the sexual energy we all possess.

Courses at OneTaste teach you how to acknowledge the energy flowing through you, and then channel it into all areas of your life. The result? Your sex life improves, food tastes better, your connection to yourself and others deepen. Being TurnedOn means feeling the electricity of being alive.

Practitioners experience benefits similar to other mindfulness practices such as sitting meditation, as well as the well-known health benefits associated with orgasm. It’s deliberate and structured with repeatable results.

OM is profound, yet simple and you can have it whether you are single or coupled.”

So far so good. Mindfulness is a good thing. Being aware of one’s self, your emotions, and the sensations that you are experiencing here and now is an excellent foil to the noise, stress, and discord that modern life assails us with virtually all the time these days. Adding orgasm to mindfulness sounds extra good!

So, reading through the article, this is what I discover …

Orgasmic massage is basically clitoral masturbation of the woman (of course) by a partner (usually a man, perhaps its an American thing, but they don’t really talk about women performing the “stroking”, but I can’t see any reason why they couldn’t). For just 15 minutes. And according to the One Taste explanation, the 15 minutes is central to the whole concept.

Now this is where the click bait comes in to play. A session lasts for 15 minutes, from laying down and the woman spreading her legs so that her stroker can begin stroking to the hands off moment when you have to stop. No ifs, no buts. Now I know a few women who could probably reach orgasm in that time from just clitoral stimulation, but that’s a vanishingly small minority. And fair enough, with practice, perhaps you could learn to experience a version of orgasm that is long and slow and deep and last the whole 15 minutes. But this definitely doesn’t qualify as an orgasm as most of us know it. There simply isn’t time for most women to build to the required level of arousal and then peak in what we call orgasm.

In fact, I know plenty of women, who, if they could achieve orgasm within 15 minutes, would be pushing the stroking hand away straight afterward as orgasm leaves their clitoris overly sensitive and further touch is almost painful (much like most men don’t enjoy strong stimulation of their penis straight after orgasm and ejaculation).

So, the name Orgasmic Meditation is misleading. This isn’t about orgasm. It is about sexual pleasure. It is about mindfulness. It is about empowerment for women and taking control of their sexuality. All of these are very good things. But it’s not about orgasm.

So, slightly dodgy name aside, I think Orgasmic Meditation is a REALLY GOOD THING. If you are well in touch with your body, comfortable in your sexuality, and happy with your sex life, then it could be fun and may be useful. However, if things aren’t so great, then orgasmic meditation may be of real help to you. Here’s why:

The structure of the process (15 minutes, very specific touch, no sex, no expectations, total focus on the woman) means that the woman can let go of all of the stresses and expectations that she has learned or had imposed on her around sex. This is her time. It’s all about her. It’s about pleasure (from a sexual source), but it’s not about sex. She doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her partner, or really doing anything at all besides enjoying herself. Perhaps it’s like getting a manicure? Time when you are just indulging yourself and no-one else – and it feels really good too!

And the fact that there (probably) isn’t a recognisable form of orgasm involved for most women has another benefit: having had someone play with your pussy for 15 minutes will leave you “turned on” and wanting sex. That’s completely natural, and it’s no surprise to me that the energising effect of unresolved sexual arousal would flow through to other areas of your life.

At the end of the day I think that orgasmic meditation is a great idea. I can’t see how it can hurt anyone (unlike medication, alcohol, and extreme life changes), so why not try it out? I am planning on attending a course in the near future to get the training (although the instructional video on the One Taste website makes it look pretty simple really). I will make another post to describe the experience.

John.

G-Spot non-sense

In line with the commercial worlds love of turning every little thing into a “problem” to be commercialised and exploited we now have g-spot collagen injections:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2221321/Hitting-G-Spot–800-injection-improve-orgasms-LAs-latest-lunchtime-craze.html

There were two things that caught my eye about this article (that basically sounded like bull-shit – pardon my language!).

‘I attended a consultation, where Professor Dartey explained that injecting collagen into my normal, pea-sized G-spot would enlarge it for up to four months. The results would mean longer, more intense orgasms.’

In my experience a woman’s g-spot is actually quite large.  The area on the front wall of the vagina that we call the g-spot is most definitely not the size of a pea.  It is actually more like the size of the end of you thumb.  It’s an area that when stimulated enlarges and feels pleasurable.  But it does take sustained effort of stimulation and genuine arousal for it to really start feeling good.  It also take practice to learn to really enjoy the sensation and for it to become part of your arousal to orgasm.  So instantly getting long intense orgasms from a collagen injection seems unlikely to me.  Continue reading

The history of the vibrator

While looking around the SBS “on demand” website today I came across a documentary called “Turn Me On – The History Of The Vibrator”.  You can find it here:

http://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/video/2266589445/Turn-Me-On:-The-History-Of-The-Vibrator

Sadly, it is only available for another 12 days, but I dare say that some googling will find it online somewhere else.  It is an amusing look at how and why the vibrator was invented, mixed with a tour of recent offerings from the sex toy industry.

It’s worth a watch on a Sunday afternoon.

John.

Ten Minutes To Orgasm movie – Update

I have just had a quick look at the download statistics for my movie Ten Minute To Orgasm.  What can I say but OH WOW.

In the seven days since I posted the video it has been downloaded over 100,000 times.

That is simply stupendous,  I am lost for words …

My website traffic has gone up by more than an order of magnitude.  Lucky the server can handle it.

I think that I will just say “thank you” and leave it at that.

John.

Movie – Ten minutes to orgasm …

If you follow my blog then you may have seen that a Melbourne based director and producer of porn for women (Ms Naugthy) recently invited me to participate in a movie that she was shooting.  I made a post about the offer and had quite a lot of discussion with my readers and clients.

The consensus was that I should not participate, but there was also strong support for me doing something that I had full control over and could post on my site.  The result is that I recently filmed a short (10 minute) movie.

 

An image from my movie – Ten minutes to orgasm

You also download the movie. Right click this link and choose “Save link as”: Movie – Ten minutes to orgasm

I wanted to make something that was relevant to me and the service that I offer, so filming an erotic massage seemed like the ideal starting point.  As we worked on it we both realised that stopping at just the massage would be leaving the other half of the story untold.  So we continued filming as I gave Shelly (who was by now very aroused) oral sex until she reached orgasm.  I think that the result is quite beautiful and also quite arousing.

This movie was an experiment to see what was possible with two people and digital video camera. As a result most of the shots are stationary, made using the camera on a tripod.  It is surprising I think what you can achieve with such a simple setup.  It certainly exceeded my expectations.

We had the use of a rather nice serviced apartment in the CBD for the day and the diffuse light streaming in through the curtains made for some beautiful contrasts and play of light and shadow over soft curves.

It amazes me just how easy it is, with all of the tools that we have available to us, to make really good quality movies that can be shared so easily over the Internet.  I hope you like the result and look forward to your comments.

I intend to make more movies in the future and would like to show real women having real enjoyment (like Shelly did in this movie).  If you would like to work with me (whether anonymously, or openly) feel free to let me know.

 John.

Sweet Sybian Sydney party number two

I attended my second Sweet Sybian Sydney party on Friday night and wanted to give a report here.  Some times when you have a good experience in a situation like this you worry that it may have just been a one off.  A lucky coincidence of the right people at the right time and place.  So I was looking forward to the party, but a little concerned that perhaps it wouldn’t live up to the very high expectations that my first experience had created.

The result though I can say without hesitation was really good.  It was a very different crowd this time (as many of the people I met in December are currently away on holidays) and the average age was also younger.  This created a different dynamic to the evening (with only me and my partner for the night doing an “open door” session for others to watch).

But the night was still very enjoyable and we met a lot of new and interesting people and had a great time.  Once again the atmosphere was absolutely positive and very supportive of the pleasure and comfort of the women who attended – just like last time.  And definitely non-sleazy

My partner for the night wasn’t thrilled with the effects of the Sybian last time, but we put that down to the fact that it was the first time for both of us and just went along to try again and enjoy the night.  The result though this time (with the addition of a mains powered Hitachi “ball” vibrator) was fantastic.  We only had one session with the Sybian due to the first one (and the play that followed it) just being so overwhelming for my partner that there wasn’t a need for a second round.

So, once again, well done Phil and Fleur, you host a great party (with excellent food and drink I might add) and I highly recommend anyone who is curious to book in for the next party (to be held on March 23rd).  You may learn something about yourself and your body.  And you will definitely have fun!

Go here: http://sweetsybiansydney.blogspot.com/ to book.

John.

Oral sex master class a success

I gave my first oral sex master class Giving Great Oral Sex to Women on the weekend.  It was a really good experience for me (and I believe for M and S the two women who participated) with lots of information shared, plenty of laughs and fun, and many new things learned.

I was actually surprised by how much fun the session was.  I was expecting that we would all enjoy it, but didn’t expect it to be quite so relaxed and there to be so much laughter.

I am looking forward to doing it again and hopefully including a male/female couple next time (which will be an interesting difference working with a guy).

John.

Masterclass: giving great oral sex to men

Following on from my recent post Giving great oral sex to women I want to offer an equivalent for wome.  So I am pleased to announce that from the new year (2012) I will be offering a Masterclass for women to teach the practicalities of giving great oral sex to men.

No-one is bourne knowing how to give a great blowjob.  It’s something that you need to learn.  How robust is a man’s penis?  How hard can you squeeze it?  Will it hurt to bend it?  What about pulling it down?  Should I use my teeth or just my tounge?  And just what should and shouldn’t I do with his testicles?!

All these questions and more that you may or may not know the answer to will be covered.  And anything that you want to know I will be happy to answer.

WARNING!
This class involves nudity and practicing of oral sex
techniques as part of the process of instruction.

How does it work:

  • The class runs for two hours
  • Involves one to three women who want to learn how to give great oral sex to a man
  • Begins with basic anatomy (you have to know what the parts of a man’s genitals are to be able to give maximum pleasure)
  • Description and practice of basic techniques including:
    • Hand techniques
    • Lips, tongue, teeth, saliva
    • Lubrication
    • What to do with your other hand
    • How to position yourself
    • Two handed techniques
    • Levels of arousal and reading the signs
    • Using your whole body
    • Making him orgasm
    • How to avoid being caught unaware!
    • Don’t like to swallow?  Learn how to make it feel great anyway
    • What to do as and after he orgasms
    • Communication

Who can attend:

  • Any woman or couple who want to learn about giving great oral sex to men.

What does it cost:

  • $350 per person or couple for a private lesson
  • $220 per person or couple for a group lesson (up to three women or couples)

When can I do it:

  • There is no set schedule.  Just contact me when you are ready and arrange a time
  • If you are comfortable doing the class with other women or couples please let me know and I will try to arrange a time that suits everyone.

What should I bring:

  • A willingness to learn
  • Patience
  • An open mind

What should I leave behind:

  • Your inhibitions
  • Fear that you might fail – these techniques take time to learn.  You need to be prepared to practice to master them