In my recent post about sex education I suggested that it was time for me to write something on the topic.
In the last few weeks I have started on this project and am delighted to say that it is progressing well. My intention is to publish parts of the book here as they are completed, or at least knocked into a reasonable shape. I expect that it will be an ongoing project that evolves over time as I get feedback and more experience with the process and subject.
So. Stay tuned.
John.
Following on from my recent post about beauty in our society I want to write something about sex education. It’s a topic that I have cared about since my ok, but rudimentary sex education in high school. I was prompted today by this article in the local paper. From the article:
So it is not uncommon then for a female student to graduate high school having never received any formal education on topics such as natural lubrication, the clitoris, female masturbation or the female orgasm, even though the male equivalent of these topics were first broached way back in primary school.
The inherent asymmetry this creates then stigmatises female pleasure, while reinforcing a phallocentric model of sex. Thus male pleasure is centrally coded into the experience and attributed hyper significance, while the female orgasm is treated as taboo, embarrassing, irrelevant or even non-existent.
Worse still, by erasing female needs and prioritising male needs as paramount, the current model of sex education normalises male entitlement and perpetuates female voicelessness. At a fundamental level, this reinforces the same gender stereotypes and patterns which give rise to sexual violence and intimate partner violence.
For Manon and Lyndsay, this all points to a need for urgent reform, starting with more consultation with young women.
I couldn’t agree more about the need for reform. Also for the participation of young people (girls and boys). And that when we neglect to make sex education broad and inclusive of both genders (and a range of ages!), we help to entrench stereotypes that marginalise women and their right to self knowledge and sexual pleasure.
It is a regular occurrence for me that I meet women who have little connection with their bodies and their sexuality, who have difficulty achieving orgasm, and generally have a hard time enjoying sex. It happens so often that I specifically offer “therapeutic” services to try to assist women and give them a better sex life. It is enjoyable and rewarding work for me, but in an ideal world it would not be necessary.
To this end I have often thought about (collaboratively) writing a set of ebooks for young (and not so young) people about all aspects of sexuality. Not just the biology of reproduction like I was taught at school, but about relationships (straight, gay, bi, open, closed, and poly), kissing, masturbation, oral sex, contraception, consent, peer pressure, penetrative sex, breaking up, emotions, porn, and anything else that people wanted to hear about.
Importantly I think that this sort of material shouldn’t be “one size fits all”, but revised or expanded for gender, orientation, and age. Young people need access to this information, but even us adults need it too some times.
And we now live in an age where (thanks to the magic of computers, smartphones, tablets, and the Internet) we have the ideal means of distribution and totally private viewing for this sort of material. In short the time has never been better to solve this problem.
Having said that, I guess it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and write something. So, a question for my readers: as a young person (or as an adult), what aspect of sexuality would you have liked most to be able to pick up a short e-book and read about?
In hindsight, as a teenage male, I would have benefited most from a book about masturbation for boys/men. I suffered for many, many years with premature ejaculation (ironic I know, given what I do now!) and I can absolutely attribute that to having no idea about how I should have been learning to masturbate – with a view to having a healthy sex life once I had a partner to share sex with. Just a few basic tips would have made my sex life (and that of my first three partners) much more enjoyable.
So, please let me know what you think. I am very interested to hear your thoughts.
John.
It’s time to write the post that needs to be written.
My first post about Orgasmic Meditation was on the whole positive. Since then I have attended one of their training courses (fun) and come to realise that the concepts behind OM are powerful, beneficial, and something that every woman and man should know about and understand. And preferably practice! I have used orgasmic meditation (or variations of it) with a number of my clients with success. My partner has declared that it is “ridiculously enjoyable” and that it has been transformative for our sex life (you are never too old to learn new ways to enjoy sex!).
So, orgasmic meditation gets a big tick. I highly recommend that you learn about it, perhaps attend one of their courses, join their online community if you need to find someone to do it with. And start enjoying being stroked!
There is however, in my opinion, one thing that you need to do first: THROW AWAY YOUR VIBRATOR!
Why? It’s this simple: vibrators are too powerful. They train your brain to be LESS sensitive to clitoral stimulation. They take away your ability to engage with and enjoy your body and the most specific pleasure that you can enjoy, that is stimulation of your clit.
When you try orgasmic meditation you will understand why. The whole technique is based around the lightest, most gentle touch possible of the woman’s clitoris. By contrast using a vibrator is like putting too much salt on your food. In the end you can only taste salt and you lose the ability to enjoy the subtle flavours and variations of unsalted food. Like wise, your vibrator is destroying your connection with your clit. Let me explain how. I read a recent study summarised here:
http://www.cell.com/current-biology/abstract/S0960-9822(14)01487-0
It showed that regular fine detail work with fingers – including playing musical instruments, or using a smart phone – resulted in greater brain activity in the areas of the brain related to sensing touch. I.e. when you use your finger tips to do something that requires a delicate touch, your brain responds by ramping up it’s sensitivity to the signals coming from that part of your body.
Your clitoris has upward of 8000 nerve endings, all packed into a tiny space. It is exquisitely receptive – more so than even your fingertips. But what you “feel” is dependent up whether or not your brain is “listening” to the signals properly. Extrapolating from the finding of the study mentioned above, it is reasonable to expect that using a vibrator, especially a powerful one for clitoral stimulation will allow your brain to become less attuned to the signals from you clit. After all, if you were extremely sensitive, then it could actually be painful to have that level of stimulation, so your body dials down the sensitivity progressively.
So. Orgasmic meditation – through the use of very, very gentle stimulation of the clitoris with the finger tip – should, I believe, result in an increase in brain activity and hence sensation and pleasure that a woman feels, in the same way that smart phone, or instrument use increases the sensitivity of people’s finger tips.
Practice orgasmic meditation enough, without undoing the good work by using a vibrator in between and I believe that it may actually allow almost any women to reach orgasm via penetration. I haven’t been able to test this theory yet, but I am seriously intent on finding out!
John.
Ok, I admit it, the title of this post is click bait, but the title is important, as is the subject. I was recently shown an article in Sneaky Magazine, here that talked about a growing movement (?) from a US organisation called One Taste that teaches people (men and women working together) what they call orgasmic meditation.
From the One Taste website:
“Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice embracing and utilizing the sexual energy we all possess.
Courses at OneTaste teach you how to acknowledge the energy flowing through you, and then channel it into all areas of your life. The result? Your sex life improves, food tastes better, your connection to yourself and others deepen. Being TurnedOn means feeling the electricity of being alive.
Practitioners experience benefits similar to other mindfulness practices such as sitting meditation, as well as the well-known health benefits associated with orgasm. It’s deliberate and structured with repeatable results.
OM is profound, yet simple and you can have it whether you are single or coupled.”
So far so good. Mindfulness is a good thing. Being aware of one’s self, your emotions, and the sensations that you are experiencing here and now is an excellent foil to the noise, stress, and discord that modern life assails us with virtually all the time these days. Adding orgasm to mindfulness sounds extra good!
So, reading through the article, this is what I discover …
Orgasmic massage is basically clitoral masturbation of the woman (of course) by a partner (usually a man, perhaps its an American thing, but they don’t really talk about women performing the “stroking”, but I can’t see any reason why they couldn’t). For just 15 minutes. And according to the One Taste explanation, the 15 minutes is central to the whole concept.
Now this is where the click bait comes in to play. A session lasts for 15 minutes, from laying down and the woman spreading her legs so that her stroker can begin stroking to the hands off moment when you have to stop. No ifs, no buts. Now I know a few women who could probably reach orgasm in that time from just clitoral stimulation, but that’s a vanishingly small minority. And fair enough, with practice, perhaps you could learn to experience a version of orgasm that is long and slow and deep and last the whole 15 minutes. But this definitely doesn’t qualify as an orgasm as most of us know it. There simply isn’t time for most women to build to the required level of arousal and then peak in what we call orgasm.
In fact, I know plenty of women, who, if they could achieve orgasm within 15 minutes, would be pushing the stroking hand away straight afterward as orgasm leaves their clitoris overly sensitive and further touch is almost painful (much like most men don’t enjoy strong stimulation of their penis straight after orgasm and ejaculation).
So, the name Orgasmic Meditation is misleading. This isn’t about orgasm. It is about sexual pleasure. It is about mindfulness. It is about empowerment for women and taking control of their sexuality. All of these are very good things. But it’s not about orgasm.
So, slightly dodgy name aside, I think Orgasmic Meditation is a REALLY GOOD THING. If you are well in touch with your body, comfortable in your sexuality, and happy with your sex life, then it could be fun and may be useful. However, if things aren’t so great, then orgasmic meditation may be of real help to you. Here’s why:
The structure of the process (15 minutes, very specific touch, no sex, no expectations, total focus on the woman) means that the woman can let go of all of the stresses and expectations that she has learned or had imposed on her around sex. This is her time. It’s all about her. It’s about pleasure (from a sexual source), but it’s not about sex. She doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her partner, or really doing anything at all besides enjoying herself. Perhaps it’s like getting a manicure? Time when you are just indulging yourself and no-one else – and it feels really good too!
And the fact that there (probably) isn’t a recognisable form of orgasm involved for most women has another benefit: having had someone play with your pussy for 15 minutes will leave you “turned on” and wanting sex. That’s completely natural, and it’s no surprise to me that the energising effect of unresolved sexual arousal would flow through to other areas of your life.
At the end of the day I think that orgasmic meditation is a great idea. I can’t see how it can hurt anyone (unlike medication, alcohol, and extreme life changes), so why not try it out? I am planning on attending a course in the near future to get the training (although the instructional video on the One Taste website makes it look pretty simple really). I will make another post to describe the experience.
John.
I have never had a happy relationship with playing music. Like most Australian children in the 70’s, the first instrument I picked up at school was a recorder. I didn’t learn to play it well and eventually moving on to clarinet and guitar never helped! Although I will say that I had a brief stint with the xylophone that was outstanding at around age 8!
Xylophone aside I just never managed to connect with playing music. I was similarly handicapped when it came to mathematics. Both were banes of my childhood. I really wanted to be good at both, but unlike friends and family around me I didn’t have that musical knack, or intuition, or connection that they had.
Years passed.
Now, here I am at age 42 and the music is calling me! Have you ever had that feeling of looking at something and thinking: “I know I can do that!”. I bought an acoustic guitar some time ago and have enjoyed tinkering and teaching myself how to play it – and I genuinely feel that there is now something different in my brain, because for the first time I genuinely “feel” the music. Guitar is still proving a significant challenge and one that I will continue working on, because guitar is such a great instrument to be able to play. It’s portable, sounds great on its own and is always popular.
My new discovery though is that I love piano. If you have read previous posts you will know that my partner has a piano (I made a post here about tuning the one key that was out of tune). So two days ago I sat down and started learning to play the very beautiful classical piece of music (Beethoven’s Tempest 3rd movement) that featured in the remake of the movie Total Recall. It’s a stupendous challenge for someone who A. has never played piano and B. isn’t great an patting their head while rubbing their tummy! However I have discovered that I can still read music fairly well (even if I can’t make my fingers do what the notes say – yet!). The result is that with about four sessions of practice over two days, I can basically play the first line and a half.
I am under no illusions that what I am doing is any good really, but I just LOVE being able to sit down in front of a piano and produce from it, something that actually sounds like real music. It is a fabulous experience that makes life a richer and more enjoyable thing to live. As I write this, my partner is playing the theme song from the movie Amelie (by the composer Yann Tiersen) in the living room (she is much, much better than I am), filling the house with music that is beautiful and of her own making, imperfections, hesitations and all.
There is something about live music and the people who can create it that has always captured me. From seeing cover bands in Melbourne pubs when I was at university to an individual sitting down at the public pianos that occasionally get placed around Circular Quay in Sydney. It has been one of my lifelong desires to join those ranks. Even at this late stage in my life (relatively speaking) perhaps it’s possible.
I could segue into something about sex here and perhaps I should. A comparison between learning a new skill like playing an instrument and learning about sex and what we can enjoy with our bodies. I do think that it’s a fair comparison, since most of us never get the chance to learn about sex, we just go along with the general assumption that it is something that just happens and you don’t need to learn or practice.
Well, like any instrument, the human body needs to be tuned and the skills practised if you want to create really beautiful music.
John.
While looking around the SBS “on demand” website today I came across a documentary called “Turn Me On – The History Of The Vibrator”. You can find it here:
http://www.sbs.com.au/ondemand/video/2266589445/Turn-Me-On:-The-History-Of-The-Vibrator
Sadly, it is only available for another 12 days, but I dare say that some googling will find it online somewhere else. It is an amusing look at how and why the vibrator was invented, mixed with a tour of recent offerings from the sex toy industry.
It’s worth a watch on a Sunday afternoon.
John.
I attended my second Sweet Sybian Sydney party on Friday night and wanted to give a report here. Some times when you have a good experience in a situation like this you worry that it may have just been a one off. A lucky coincidence of the right people at the right time and place. So I was looking forward to the party, but a little concerned that perhaps it wouldn’t live up to the very high expectations that my first experience had created.
The result though I can say without hesitation was really good. It was a very different crowd this time (as many of the people I met in December are currently away on holidays) and the average age was also younger. This created a different dynamic to the evening (with only me and my partner for the night doing an “open door” session for others to watch).
But the night was still very enjoyable and we met a lot of new and interesting people and had a great time. Once again the atmosphere was absolutely positive and very supportive of the pleasure and comfort of the women who attended – just like last time. And definitely non-sleazy
My partner for the night wasn’t thrilled with the effects of the Sybian last time, but we put that down to the fact that it was the first time for both of us and just went along to try again and enjoy the night. The result though this time (with the addition of a mains powered Hitachi “ball” vibrator) was fantastic. We only had one session with the Sybian due to the first one (and the play that followed it) just being so overwhelming for my partner that there wasn’t a need for a second round.
So, once again, well done Phil and Fleur, you host a great party (with excellent food and drink I might add) and I highly recommend anyone who is curious to book in for the next party (to be held on March 23rd). You may learn something about yourself and your body. And you will definitely have fun!
Go here: http://sweetsybiansydney.blogspot.com/ to book.
John.
Following on from my recent post Giving great oral sex to women I want to offer an equivalent for wome. So I am pleased to announce that from the new year (2012) I will be offering a Masterclass for women to teach the practicalities of giving great oral sex to men.
No-one is bourne knowing how to give a great blowjob. It’s something that you need to learn. How robust is a man’s penis? How hard can you squeeze it? Will it hurt to bend it? What about pulling it down? Should I use my teeth or just my tounge? And just what should and shouldn’t I do with his testicles?!
All these questions and more that you may or may not know the answer to will be covered. And anything that you want to know I will be happy to answer.
WARNING!
This class involves nudity and practicing of oral sex
techniques as part of the process of instruction.
Well, I attended my first Sweet Sybian Sydney party on Friday last week. I have recieved a lot of email about Sweet Sybian Sydney since I blogged about it recently and I want to let everyone know that results.
The bottom line is … it was a fantastic party. If you are at all interested in the Sybian, then I highly recommend contacting Sweet Sybian Sydney, either for a private session, or to attend their next party (on the 21st of January).
So, what was the party like?
The venue is a very nice, well appointed unit in Artarmon, which is easy to get to, with plenty of parking available near by. There is a balcony available for smokers, plenty of food and drink and a relaxed and very positive, not sleazy at all atmosphere.
Sweet Sybian hosts Paul and Fleur are great. They are really relaxed, considerate people, who look after their guest. They gave a detailed demonstration (yes, a real demonstration by Fleur) of the Sybian to all guests before we were invited to try out the Sybian for ourselves. This made setup and operation for each couple easy (and of course Fleur and Paul provided assistance if required).
Each machine is set up in its own room, with a bathroom available to each, so you can have complete privacy while you try it out. If however you are more adventurous (as many couples were that night), you can leave the door open when you play with the Sybian to allow other couples to watch.
Each couple were given two half hour sessions with one of the two Sybians, let me just say that once you got set up and going, the time flew by! You could spend a serious amount of time with one of these things.
Possibly the most important thing to know is that the machine itself (like any toy) takes time to get used to. It has a lot of different covers (penetrating, or not, large, small, g-spot, deep, not deep). You can adjust the height of the unit (low down, or up on a higher stand). And you can adjust a component that causes more or less clitoral stimulation.
So be prepared to spend some time (and even a few sessions even) really getting to know how to set up a Sybian for yourself so that it gives you the maximum amount of pleasure.
Like with any sex toy thought there may be some women for whom the Sybian just doesn’t do it, but honestly, don’t let that worry stop you. Even if it’s not the best sex toy for you, you would still have had fun on Friday night.
That said, once you have it set up, then the results can be really spectacular. There were a lot of very happy ladies there at the end of the night!
Which brings me to another point. I think that one of the reasons that the party was so much fun was that the whole reason for everyone being there was the women and their pleasure. Not about their male partners. All of us men were involved (and had a great time), but every single one of us was there not to please ourselves, but to do everything that we could to give our partners the best time possible.
For me, as someone who really cares about women, their pleasure, and their comfort, I can honestly say that the people who seem to be attracted to Sweet Sybian Sydney are thoughtful and considerate, open and easy to talk to and last but not least: really sexy.
That’s not to say that everyone was a super model, far from it, there was a full range of body types and ages. But I have always maintained that “sexy” is all about your mind, and the people I met on Friday night, possibly because of the comfortable, accepting, and open atmosphere, were all really, really sexy.
So, Sweet Sybian Sydney. Just do it! It’s fun and safe, and even if you are nervous about being there in a group, I say it’s worth pushing yourself out of your comfort zone as it is an opportunity to experience something that you are unlikely to find anywhere else!
John.
Sweet Sybian Sydney have just let me know that their next party will be on Saturday the 21st of January 2012. They may also be running another smaller more intimate party prior to then.
If you would like to go along then let me know and I can arrange it. Don’t forget that if you book an overnight date then I will include a Sweety Sybian gift voucher if you would like to try it out.
For the full story on the Sybian, go here
John.