Category Archives: Education

The rest of the world doesn’t understand sex work in Australia (and New Zealand)

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Sex work in most of Australia is now decriminalised.  Current states and territories that have decriminalised sex work include: New South Wales, Victoria, Northern Territory, and the Australian Capital Territory. That covers the majority of the population of Australia.  Other states have some form of “legalised” sex work which is still better than nothing, but we are waiting for them to catch up.

This is good for both sex workers and our clients.  Sex workers can go to the police for protection if we need, clients also are protected by consumer protection law from sex workers who may behave unethically.  And most of all – because of this protection potential abusers no longer considered sex workers (or our clients) “easy targets” that no one will care about.

People from other countries generally have no understanding of what this means for sex work and sex workers.  Case in point, a video that I came across the other day. 

https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/456528303190628

This post looks to be ripped off the TikTok of the original creator – a female sex worker in Sydney, Australia called Jasmine (https://www.tiktok.com/@gentle_aura).

What is relevant here is the comments on the Facebook repost.  They are for the most part judgemental, ignorant, moralistic (or some combination of the above), and show no awareness of decriminalisation of sex work and understanding of how it changes the industry.

Decriminalisation of sex work makes the work much, much safer for women – as sex workers and as clients. It is frustrating when I am contacted by women (especially from the US) who want to see a male sex worker but are unable to find a suitable man in their area. I would like to be able to refer them to someone known in the industry with a good reputation and plenty of online presence to allow potential clients to decide if they are suitable. But where sex work is criminalised workers have to hide themselves.

For most women who might choose to pay a sex worker this makes the entire transaction just too much of a risk. So they are locked out of the opportunity to explore their sexuality in that way.

It’s easy for us to take for granted what we have here in Australia. So I’m taking this moment to recognise the privilege that we have compared to our peers (workers and clients) around the world. We are incredibly lucky – but never forget that all of these advances can be taken away from us if we fail to defend our hard won rights from the ignorant masses who reflexively lash out at sex work whenever it is presented to them.

John

There is no “normal”, just what’s normal to you

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People often ask me “what’s the weirdest thing you have ever been asked to do by a client”. The very vanilla answer to that question is “most women who come to me just want some good basic sex”.

But it does lead me to think about what “weird” really means.

My observation of people, sex, and sexuality over the last twelve years as a male escort for women (and couples) is that our sexuality – the things that “excite” us as opposed to our orientation, gender identity etc – exist on a spectrum and that what we like comes about in large part from what we are exposed to as we begin to explore sex.

In my teens I was exposed to heteronormative ideas and the images and practices that go with it – nuclear family, 80’s pop culture, Playboy and Penthouse magazines, the book The Joy of Sex (which I still think is a good read for heterosexual people), and very little else.

So that became my “normal”.  As I was discovering sex those things were imprinted in my psyche and remain there to this day underpinning what is arousing for me. A lot of people have very similar experiences as they become sexually aware and engaged – so we reflexively assume that because most people are like us that this is somehow “normal” – with the inference that interests elsewhere on the sexual spectrum are somehow “weird”, or worse – “abnormal”.

In reality though – as long as something is consensual and legal – declaring what is and isn’t “normal” is an arbitrary value judgement – not an objective truth. I may not be aroused by what another person is aroused by, but that says nothing about its value, or validity. It’s just my perception. The key that fits their sexual lock doesn’t fit mine and vice versa.

Some women who contact me are embarrassed to tell me what they find arousing, what works for them. So I think that it is important to say that – as long as what you want is consensual and legal – that I am always happy for someone to ask me for what they want. I’m open to most things – but even if I’m not comfortable with something, then I’m not going to judge you for asking. You are entitled to enjoy what you enjoy, and I will respect that. 

Want to call me “daddy”? Well ok then. Need to be spanked on the bottom? That’s fine. Like to go out for dinner with no underwear to spice things up? By all means. You aren’t going to shock me, and I will not judge you for what you want.

And neither should the rest of society!

John

“The Ravishment Option” and owning our sexuality

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I was sent me a link a while back to this sex work themed comedy short film. It’s hilarious and sweet, and very entertaining. I want to talk about one scene near the start – so you have been warned, spoilers ahead, I suggest you watch it before reading on (it’s only 15 minutes long).

https://youtu.be/8iCW7aLc8bQ

The story opens with a young woman Enid researching male sex workers and booking Ricky. When Ricky arrives he sweeps Enid up in his arms and kisses her deeply – much to her disgust! Ricky apologises and tells her he thought she selected “the ravishment option” when she booked (which she did not).

Now it’s a funny scene and well played in the film – but it also made me chuckle because this is literally a real thing – not a check box when you book, but I have had several clients will sometimes ask (in different words) for The Ravishment Option.

The vast majority of women who come to see me, whether it’s the first time or the 20th time like to have time to relax, chat, and connect before anything more intimate happens. That is totally understandable. Some women though, when they are in the mood want something different – and if they feel comfortable and secure with me then they may well ask to be “ravished” the moment they walk through the door.

I think that this is a good thing – not just individually, but more broadly. Many people don’t feel that they can ask for what they want. Worse I think that many people can’t even give themselves permission to want what they want.

Which is even worse and possibly harder to change. So lets talk about that.

I have come to the conclusion over my years working as a straight male escort for women that there is no such thing as “normal” and “abnormal” when it comes to a person’s sexuality. Just distributions of people who like similar things.

While I am sure that there are some traits, like being gay, or gender dysphoria that are rooted in biology, I think that much of our sexuality is created through our experiences. Like a man who, having the experience of being captured and sat on by some girls his age when he was going through puberty, to this day finds being sat on by a dominant woman to be a powerful turn on. I have come across many cases like this that while at the more distant ends of the sexual spectrum serve to illustrate how someone like me ended up with fairly “average” sexual inclinations. I never had unusual or extreme experiences of sex and sexuality when I was younger and so my tastes and preference now reflect that.

I like to compare sexuality to a book. When we first open our book there are certain things written in there – personally my book has always said “straight male”. But most things that come after that I can look back on my life and my experiences from early teens into my twenties and find correlations between what I experienced and what I now find interesting/arousing/motivating/distracting sexually.

It took me a long time though – until my early thirties to reconcile what I wanted and responded to instinctively and what I thought I should want. That gap was a source of unhappiness that I wasn’t really aware of. When I did finally “come out” to myself and start to accept and embrace my sexuality I found a kind of inner peace that I had never had before.

I didn’t have to hide what I wanted anymore. I didn’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. It was a revelation. And it was without doubt one of the things that lead me to sex work as a career, something that has changed and improved my life in many ways.

So what is the lesson? I think it is that we need to listen to ourselves. Hear what our bodies and minds are asking for, then find a way to give that to ourselves. If we can do that then we will be happier, healthier, and better-rounded people.

John

Towards a healthier view of our sexuality

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Drawn in by the headline of this article “Bizarre sex challenge men need to stop” I clicked and I read…

Apparently there are men out there who abstain for ejaculation during the month of November. 

They claim (with no evidence the article says) that it has sex/health benefits. Which seems unlikely. After all we know that regular ejaculation is good for prostate health if nothing else (reducing lifetime risk of prostate cancer by 33% and that benefit is greater the older we get).

While the article is rather all-over-the-place it does make the point that fads/challenges/rules etc about sex are more likely to encourage unhealthy thinking about our bodies and sex than they are to improve our sexual function.

That seems like a reasonable statement to me.

We all have baggage from our lives, from growing up, to learning about sex, to relationships, to marriage, having children. It all effects us, shapes who we are, including sexually.

Abstaining from sex for one month each year isn’t going to solve anyone’s problems or give them god-like powers in bed.

What will help though is looking inside ourselves and listening to the voice that tells you what you really want in your sex life. it took me personally fifteen years from puberty to really accept my sexuality and embrace it (then another ten to become a straight male escort for women, but that’s another story).

That voice may be telling you that all you want is some basic sex every now and then, or it might be saying that you want wild sex with multiple partners every weekend – and it doesn’t matter where you are on that spectrum, it’s all valid. What matters is that you listen to it and accept where your sexuality is at right now (because its going to change throughout our lives).

This doesn’t mean you have to act of those feelings – but the act of accepting that our sexuality is a certain way, rather than denying it can be a powerful thing. There’s a release to be had from not constantly denying ones nature – even if you never indulge that nature.

And I think that is probably the right message to be taking away from all of this

John

Movie – Good Luck to You, Leo Grande – Part II

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So I watched Good Luck to You, Leo Grande tonight. And on the whole it filled the expectations that I mentioned in my first post about this movie.

I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t watched it and might like to, so I’ll try to be general here rather than talking about specifics of the plot

If you are looking for an authentic picture of what an experience with a male sex worker is like, then Leo Grande is a reasonable portrayal (if overly dramatised). But I have to say that it is representative.

It’s not a bad film, generally it’s pretty good. It touches on real issues that I have dealt with – like consent, privacy, boundaries, communication, body image, low self esteem, difficulty achieving orgasm, and personal growth.

I will accept the conflict. That probably had to be in there for dramatic effect – but know this, your male sex worker should always be professional, no matter what.

I guess at the end of the day it felt good for me, a sex worker, to be represented in a realistic and mostly accurate and sympathetic fashion.

I think that it was also good to see Emma Thompson’s character – while vastly (somewhat unrealistically) over anxious – depicting so many things that women I often meet are going through.

On the whole I think that this movie is positive and a valuable contribution to education about sex work, sex workers, and why people – especially women – choose to see us.

John

Consent training and education – we are taking a step forward

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As a male sex worker for women, consent – giving it, getting it, and ensuring that it is still there – is something that I have to do with every client, especially when I don’t know them well, or with women with disabilities who may not be able to communicate effectively.

I also go out of my way with women who have little or no experience – or sometimes bad experiences – with sex and consent to try to help them learn how to ask for what they want and reassure them that they are allowed to say no, to withdraw consent for things that they may not want.

I believe that I do this well and provide a service that is safe and respectful.

That this is even worthy of note indicates just how big a problem “consent”, its practice, and our understanding of it is in this country.

So I am delighted to see (via this article – https://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-08-29/consent-education-mandatory-australia/101375564) that the teaching of consent is to be federally mandated in all schools in Australia.

This is exactly how we make our society a better place. We teach our children in school and it creates generational change. Over time the young people who have learned what consent means, how to ask for it, and how to give it become the majority and “the old ways” die a natural death.

Some people fear this sort of education by the state and will claim that it’s the job of parents to teach these sorts of values. To that I say “You can’t teach what you don’t know”. Which doesn’t mean that all parents don’t necessarily understand consent – just that knowing something that you probably learned more by watching what other people did than actually being shown isn’t a great basis for teaching that thing effectively.

We very obviously have issues with consent in our society – I literally hear it from women regularly – and I for one am very happy that we are taking real steps toward addressing it.

It won’t be an easy road though. As mentioned in the linked article teachers involved in this kind of education need to be taught themselves about how to provide it, how to be sensitive to the impacts that what they are teaching may have on students who have suffered abuse for instance.

It’s a complicated problem that requires sophisticated thinking and solutions. It won’t be resolved over night, but every year that students receive this training we will be making a better society and giving kids the chance to live better, healthier, safer lives.

John

A male contraceptive pill – part two

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Well the results are in and no it wasn’t just me. Several women have let me know in no uncertain terms that they would not trust a man to take responsibility for contraception by taking a male contraceptive pill – none have said that they would.

I thought this would be the case, but it’s good to get confirmation. One woman even related her story of a male partner attempting to sabotage her contraceptive pills, so the fear is definitely justified.

While more contraceptive options can only be a good thing I still don’t see the mass market success that the manufacturers are probably hoping for.

This also highlights the importance of our society investing in education around sex, sexuality, relationships, and most of all – respect. If we spent half as much money on educating children about these things as we do on pure science research (as important as that is) then we would be a much healthier society – and perhaps a male contraceptive pill might be more palatable to women…

John

A male birth control pill. What could possible go wrong? (or am I just too cynical?)

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I saw an article today about the impending human clinical trials of a “male contraceptive pill” (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/03/210303161645.htm). Apparently trials of the compound triptonide in mice have been successful and show that it interferes with assembly of sperm rendering them unable to swim.

Triptonide is non-hormonal (use of hormones being one of the big causes of side effects of the pill for women), has no apparent side effects, and is reversible.

It takes up to six weeks to become effective and about the same time for fertility to return when treatment stops.

That’s all great. Having more contraceptive choices and solutions is a good thing.

But we have finally reached the moment that has been long discussed – can men be trusted to use a form of contraceptive that requires regular effort when they don’t directly carry the cost of not doing so?

I had a vasectomy when I decided that I didn’t want to have children. It was a simple procedure and because it is 100% effective, women can trust it as a form of contraception. I have always been sceptical though of a “male pill” and I expect that many women would be too.

So it begs the question of what exactly is a male contraceptive pill good for?

It may be glib to say this, but it does put an end to the “men’s rights activists” (MRAs) wailing about how women trap men by deliberately getting pregnant. Well boys, now you don’t have to worry about being “tricked”, just pop this pill every day and your “freedom” is ensured. Somehow I doubt that’s going to stop their howling.

Anyway, the fact that this was the first thing that came to mind for me is, I think, telling. So where else might it be useful? The obvious application is in relationships where a woman experiences side effects from female contraceptives – which is quite common.

But that brings us back to trust again.

If the relationship is committed and long term then perhaps this might be acceptable for the woman. But to my mind, putting your fertility in the hands of another person when they don’t have to live with the consequences – even in a committed relationship – is a very big ask. I’m sure that many people could and would do it, but would a large percentage of the population? I have my doubts.

Which means that unlike other contraceptives, the market for this product may end up being very, very small (and I don’t expect that MRAs would actually use it, since contraception isn’t the point, they just enjoy being whiney and having something to blame women for).

However, I’m always in favour of knowledge for the sake of knowledge and who knows how this technology may one day be put to use and who it might benefit.

I’m interested to know what women think about this idea though, so please feel free to drop a comment below.

John

We need to talk about labiaplasty – again

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Way back in 2012 I wrote this:

https://john-oh-escort.com/2012/04/02/more-women-opt-for-genital-plastic-surgury/

Back then I lived in a hopeful place where sex work (both by and for women) was becoming increasingly accepted and I felt that as a society we were making real progress around issues of body image, sexuality, and acceptance.

Now it’s 2022, much of the western world is busy trying to go back to the 50’s socially and here we are again…

https://www.news.com.au/lifestyle/beauty/cosmetic-surgery/jessica-was-just-18-when-her-designer-vagina-surgery-was-botched/news-story/bad2451f4dfcea94735c80f6c8ac4fba

I’m less naive today than I was ten years ago when when I hoped that my words and efforts might have a wide impact on the issue of body image and unnecessary labiaplasty, but I think that it is still worth speaking about this subject.

To cut to the chase – my message last time was:

“Ladies, whatever shape your genital are, there are men who adore them. Please don’t go cutting them off.” – unless it’s for medical reasons.

My message this time is much the same.

If you are feeling embarrassed, or ashamed, or unhappy with the size, shape, or colour of your labia (or any part of your body) but they don’t cause physical discomfort or other medical problems, then you don’t need to get cosmetic surgery for it – you need to get help to change how you perceive your body.

Because – lacking a physical medical problem – that’s what it’s about – perception, not reality.

From the article about botched genital surgery:

“Since I began puberty at around 12 or 13 I started developing longer labia minora, and when I started comparing my vagina to those I saw in porn, I started feeling really self-conscious and like I wasn’t normal,” she says.

“I never told a soul that I had larger labia because I was honestly so embarrassed and upset by it growing up. I didn’t let my boyfriends or anything growing up look at it or touch it and I refrained from actually having sex until I was 18 in my first serious relationship.

“I have never once had anyone tell me that it was ugly or bad throughout all my relationships and sexual encounters, but in the back of my mind I always thought they would be thinking about how ugly and awful it was.”

As in my previous post on this subject I think that what this woman is experiencing is “body dysmorphic disorder” or BDD – “a mental disorder characterized by the obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own body part or appearance is severely flawed and therefore warrants exceptional measures to hide or fix it” (from Wikipedia – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Body_dysmorphic_disorder).

I’m not a doctor or mental health professional so my advice is – talk to one. Ideally one who understands and has experience with BDD.

In the past I have specifically suggested seeking out positive validation to combat these sorts of issues, but the woman quoted above had those positive validations and it didn’t fix the problem for her. So while I still think that positive validation of body image is useful and important, I think that it is necessary to see a health professional who understands BDD and can help get to the root cause of the mental distress and change that.

The other thing to note here is that even young teenage women are comparing how their bodies looks to the bodies of women that they see in porn. Which brings us to how we might prevent these problems from developing in the first place. Education.

There is no way to put the Internet/porn genie back in its bottle – just as printed porn couldn’t be regulated away. Young people will continue to see it. So the only realistic option available is to educate young people about their bodies (and porn) and what is “normal” so that when they do look at porn they are able to make better judgements about themselves and what they are seeing.

I’m not holding my breath for this sort of frank and in depth education to happen – but we have enough evidence just from this article that it is necessary.

John

We’re back baby!

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So NSW is back in business and the easing of covid restrictions means that sex workers like me are allowed to work again.

It feels good to be back!

In the interest of everyone staying healthy and safe, these are the rules for seeing me:

  1. Get vaccinated! I am fully vaccinated (since June 4th) and will be getting a booster when I am entitled in early December. I won’t be seeing anyone who isn’t vaccinated – unless they have a health restriction that prevents them for receiving the vaccine. I’m sorry if this is a problem, but I have to put my health and everyone else who I see first
  2. When I’m out in public I will wear a mask (except in a restaurant where that’s not practical)
  3. I will continue to get tested for covid regularly. I encourage anyone who is coming to see me to do the same. If you are immunocompromised or vulnerable in some other way, please let me know and I can provide a recent negative covid test result before we meet
  4. If you are visiting me, please wear a mask in my building. It’s a rule of the building and everyone has to follow it

And that’s it. I hope that we can all work together to protect everyone’s health.

John