Category Archives: Education

Hilary Caldwell, sex work, research, and her book about reclaiming your sexuality

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I’ve known Hillary Caldwell for a few years now and am proud to have participated in her research. I’m happy that I was able to contribute in a small way to her writing. She has recently published a book

Slutdom: Reclaiming Shame-free Sexuality.

When women are enjoying better sex, the people they have sex with will too. Sexual equality is good for everyone.’

Despite decades of activism, women are still burdened with the effects of slut shaming in everyday life. Finally, there is a book that argues convincingly and passionately for women’s enjoyment of sex as a force to advance gender equality.

Delving into topics such as pleasure, pain, empowerment, and including real women’s stories and saucy tips, sexologist and academic Hilary Caldwell is uniquely placed to understand what women want – and, importantly, what women deserve.

Deeply researched and drawn from the author’s own life experience, Slutdom is controversial, celebratory and courageous.

For anyone struggling with their sexuality and trying to find a way to be happy and whole with it I think this is worth a read.
John

Sex work, disability, and the NDIS – again…

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13 years ago a young woman with cerebral palsy contacted me. She had never had sex before and wanted to try it with me because she felt that seeing a sex worker would be safe and give her control over the encounter.

She has continued to see me every month since then and is to this day my longest standing client. Being able to see me regularly is an important part of her well being and enjoyment of life. We literally have more sex than many married couples!

She is in the very lucky position of being able to afford to see a sex worker regularly. Many if not most people with a disability are not. That’s where the National Disability Insurance Scheme has been very helpful for some people with disabilities. It has given them the financial ability to pay for sex that they otherwise would be unable to have.

And now we have this from NDIS minister Bill Shorten:

“Sex work will be banned from being funded through the National Disability Insurance Scheme under NDIS Minister Bill Shorten’s planned reforms, the minister has confirmed.

The decision to exclude sex work has prompted deep concern from the disability sector, who warn it will rob participants of free choice, and could be a sign of a broader tightening on what participants can access.

On Sunday, Mr Shorten told Sky News he intended to change the rules.

“We will rule it out, yeah, we will rule it out. It’s just not a sustainable proposition, it doesn’t pass the test, does it,” Mr Shorten said.

“The reality is I’ve got one or two examples I’m aware of that it’s ever happened, ever. So it’s not what’s happening in most of the scheme.”

Specialised sex services have been available through the NDIS since 2020 when the federal court ruled in a legal challenge that the National Disability Insurance Agency should approve those services where deemed reasonable and necessary.”

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-07-07/sex-worker-ndis-funding-ban/104068652

I expect this sort of unsympathetic nickle-and-diming of government spending from the LNP, but hearing this from a Labor minister is extremely depressing. Shorten’s quote to Sky News doesn’t even make any sense…

“We will rule it out, yeah, we will rule it out. It’s just not a sustainable proposition, it doesn’t pass the test, does it,” Mr Shorten said.

“The reality is I’ve got one or two examples I’m aware of that it’s ever happened, ever. So it’s not what’s happening in most of the scheme.”

If there are really only “one or two examples” of people using NDIS funds to access sex work services then it’s hardly a burden on society. But he also said “It’s just not a sustainable proposition”.

An “unstainable proposition” how Mr Shorten? Financially? You just said that almost no-one uses it, so that doesn’t make sense.

Did he mean it’s a “[morally] unsustainable proposition”? If so does that mean that the federal Labor government is planning to ban all sex work? Or is it just “morally unsustainable” for people with a disability to be enabled to experience sex – like every able bodied person in the community (which is literally the purpose of the NDIS – to enable people with disabilities to be able to live their lives as normally as possible).

I just don’t understand where this coming from. I absolutely expect these sorts of prudish, mean spirited decisions from an LNP government, but Labor knows better and should do better.

It’s a sad day. People with disabilities deserve sex too.

John

“It feels lame just asking for a cuddle”

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A woman I’ve known for a while now saw my recent post about “spontaneity”, but decided that while she felt like having something, she didn’t feel like having sex. Then – as per the title of this post – she felt it was a bit lame thinking of just asking for time with me to cuddle.

Now I’ve talked about this before but it bears mentioning again – you are very welcome to book me just for a cuddle – or even just to sit on the couch and talk with a cup of tea, or a glass of wine!

There is no need for a booking with me to include sex or anything intimate if that’s what you want. A booking can be literally anything that you want it to be – from a relaxed chat to a world trip! It’s entirely up to you and what you need.

John

Do you want to be more confident in bed?

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I know – it sounds like the subject line from a spam email, but it’s a serious question. Over the years I have met many women who lacked confidence in their bodies, their attractiveness, their sexual knowledge, and their abilities to please a lover.

These concerns are so common that I even offer a course to help teach the skills and give women the opportunity to practice them in a safe, controlled environment.

Many people make the assumption that sex – being natural and normal between people – is something that everyone (except for them!) just knows how to do. In reality none of us know anything more than what we see others doing (usually porn of some form) and what we experience ourselves.

So if you have little or no experience then sex can be really intimidating.

This is why I offer my course. I want everyone who wants to be confident in bed to have a place they can go to learn the skills they want to have.

This is the course outline that I use as a starting point to plan out lessons when you book with me…

Potential topics:

  • Touch (clothed)
  • Kissing (lips)
  • Undressing
  • Touch (naked)
  • Cuddling
  • Hair
  • Erotic massage
  • Body slide/full body touch
  • Kissing (full body)
  • Reading your partner
  • Intimate touch
  • Giving oral sex
  • Receiving oral sex
  • Masturbation
  • Edging
  • “Showing off” / being seen
  • Penetrative sex, positions, rhythm, flow
  • Anal play, giving and receiving
  • Anal sex, giving and receiving
  • Spanking
  • After care

You can pick as many or as few items as you want. If it’s a short list then we can probably cover it in one or two sessions of two hours each. If it’s a longer list then it will require more.

You can of course add any topic that you might be interested in that isn’t listed here.

I prefer to keep lessons to two hours with a break in the middle as that is a length of time that is enough without being too much to handle physically and mentally.

So if you want to improve your confidence, or broaden your knowledge then why not drop me a line with your educational wish list!

John

More about sex work and financial discrimination

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I made a post last week about Melbourne Sex worker Matthew Roberts and his historic win in the Victorian courts to get access to EFTPOS services for his sex work business. I received an email today from Matthew promoting his ongoing efforts to have federal laws that are used against sex workers changed and I want to share it with you.

While this fight is mostly about giving sex workers fair access to financial services it is also about us being able to provide you our customers with a greater range of payment options. So it would be great if you could follow Matthew on X/Twitter: @sexworkervbanks or subscribe to his mailing list – email “YES” to sexworkervbanks@protonmail.com

Hi there, 

I’m reaching out to you as you’re interested in sex workers’ rights and efforts to combat financial discrimination. Financial discrimination is a huge problem for Australia’s sex industry, and as Australia moves away from cash, this problem is only getting worse.  

New laws protect sex workers from discrimination. It’s time to enforce these laws. 

My name is Matthew and I’m a self-employed gay male sex worker. When two financial service providers denied me use of EFTPOS machine services, I took the matter to the Magistrates’ Court of Victoria. In a landmark anti-discrimination law case, I settled the case on my terms and forced both companies (Mint Payments and First Data Merchant Solutions) to end their blanket sex worker ban. 

In 2022 Victoria, Australia decriminalised sex work and protected sex workers with anti-discrimination laws based on ‘occupation’.  My case is a huge win for sex workers and proof that enforcing these new laws can result in real change. 

But more needs to be done. The two companies initially tried to use a legal loophole to justify discriminating against me. A section of Federal anti-money laundering laws is routinely being used by financial companies to discriminate against entire groups of customers, including law abiding customers like me. The Federal Government needs to amend these federal laws to stop financial service providers from getting away with unlawful discrimination. 

Want to be kept in the loop as I extend my fight against financial discrimination and form a new advocacy movement? Reply ‘Yes’ to this email to be added to my email list.

Maurice Blackburn lawyers represented me in court. You can find me on X at @sexworkervbanks

Press Release: Melbourne sex worker resolves “debanking” discrimination case over denied EFTPOS machine

ABC News: Sex worker takes on financial sector ‘debanking’, with outcome hailed as transformative for adult industry

ABC TV’s The Business: Why sex workers are facing discrimination from banks and financial providers

News.com.au: Melbourne sex worker wins ‘debanking’ case against two Australian financial institutions

The Age: Sex stays the same, but sex work changes [behind a paywall]

Q News: Fed-up Melbourne sex worker sues financial providers and wins

Banking Daily: Illigit to debank s*x workers

Lawyers Weekly: Sex worker wins ‘decade-long battle’ against debanking discrimination

Yours sincerely 
Matthew Roberts 

Email: sexworkervbanks@protonmail.com 
Media enquiries: Chee Chee Leung at Maurice Blackburn Lawyers 0412 560 584

Thank you for your support of our industry. We really appreciate it! And thank you to Matthew for taking on this fight for all of us sex workers and clients alike.

John

Never had sex

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I haven’t written about this topic in a while, partly because I think I have said most of what needs to be said. You can read my previous posts here: virginity (at time of writing there are 16 articles relating to first time sex). I have also written some articles which can be found here: My offer for virgins

However someone sent me a link to this recent article from the ABC so since it’s topical again I thought perhaps it was worth covering again.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-05-05/dating-intimacy-sex-women-hook-up-ladies-we-need-to-talk/103780054

The part that stands out to me in this article is how “never having had sex” effects people’s lives beyond just missing out on actually having sex.

From the headline “…make her feel like an outsider” – I was talking about this twelve years ago back when I was new to the industry and it understandably hasn’t changed.

When you haven’t had the experiences that your friends and family have had and you can’t share them – or worse you can’t even relate to them it has serious negative effects on your ability to connect with the people around you.

If you have never had sex it puts you on the outside in almost every social situation and that can be a terribly lonely and isolating place to be that will absolutely make your life less happy.

Jo’s last words in the article are: “You don’t really miss what you’ve never had, right?”

I disagree. You may not be conscious of what you are missing, but our bodies have a lot of stuff hardwired into them and sex and reproduction are one of the most primal aspects of our biology and psychology. Even if we aren’t conscious of missing something there will be effects – emotional and physical. I think that it is reasonable to say that we can miss something we have never had, even if we aren’t aware of what we are missing.

I don’t expect that Jo will ever read this post, but other women in a similar situation probably will. Let me say this to you: almost every woman who comes to me who wants to have sex for the first time (and I usually see at least two or three each year ranging in age from 20 to 45) say to me afterwards: “is that it? Why was I so worried about it?” and often “I wish I’d just done it earlier, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much”.

It’s always heartbreaking for me hearing those words. Our society makes *such* a huge deal out of sex – “Don’t have it! You’ll get a disease/pregnant/go to hell!”, “You must have sex or you’re not cool!”, “You can’t have the sex you want because [reasons…]”

So many conflicting pressures, so much stress over something that is and should be a natural and easy part of our lives.

The reality is that everyone deserves to have safe, consensual sex. If you have never had sex and you want to get over that emotional and mental hurdle then reach out to me. I am happy to talk and discuss your situation and your needs and if it feels right, give you an experience that set you on the road to a fulfilling sex life.

John

Research shows … that people in their 50s and 60s were having the best sex of their lives”

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Our society edits out the notion of older people having sex from our collective consciousness. It’s not something that anyone really wants to talk about.

The reality – as discussed in this article – is that people are just people. Young or old we tend to like sex.

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-05-11/sexologist-explains-how-to-improve-your-sex-life-as-you-age/103780946

The most important thing though is that as we get older the sex tends to get better! That is really encouraging to me.

Many of the women I meet in my work have reached a point in their lives where they are no-longer having sex. Marriages change, children get in the way, work, stress, and myriad things can lead a person to living a sexless life.

Then we can start to question if we deserve sex, or if we should be having it as an older person?

The answer is always, yes we do deserve sex, no matter what our age.

The challenge then is how do we find “good” sex?

There is no simple answer to that of course. Online dating tends to be a rolling dumpster fire. Our lives have become increasingly busy and stressful, making it ever harder…

I think that the best answer is: we need to invest real time and effort into making connections with people who represent our values and have shared interests – because the better the connection you have with a sexual partner the better the sex can be.

That’s not to say that flings and one night things can’t be hugely fun, but there is a time and a place for that and it’s not necessarily the way to find satisfying and fulfilling sex in the long term.

I believe that sex workers can be a part of the solution here too. It may be in the short term, helping someone who has lost their sexual confidence to find it again, or in the long term being a reliable, safe, and attentive lover who makes up for something that is missing from a marriage, or a busy life that has limited opportunities to meet people.

John

Yes Water Based lube

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So my order of Yes Water Based lube arrived today!

First look and feel seems pretty good. It is very similar in texture to my preferred Sylk lube, but possibly a little thinner.

It seemed to last about as long as Sylk in a finger tip test and it also seemed to regain it’s lubricating nature reasonably well when it did dry up (just like Sylk) by adding some water.

But you don’t really know what a lube is like until you put it to the actual test! I will report back when I have had the opportunity to try it out properly with someone.

John

A crisis in lubrication!

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As I’m sure you can imagine lube is one of the most important things for my work. Everyone needs lube with condoms – I know that some women feel self conscious about needing lube, but condoms dry up natural and artificial lubrication and it needs to be replenished regularly during sex with a condom.

Many, many years ago I came across Sylk personal lubricant. It’s made in New Zealand, based on an extract from kiwi fruit (just think how slippery the inside of a kiwi fruit peel is!), it’s organic and PH appropriate – and it feels as natural as any lube I have ever used. I love Sylk and generally buy it in boxes of 50.

Sadly though I have just discovered that Sylk is not currently available – anywhere! Again!

Some years ago the company that manufactures Sylk was sold to an American interest, who (if I remember the story correctly) promptly changed the source of the glycerin used in Sylk to one derived from palm oil (which was cheaper I expect), causing Sylk’s “organic” status to be lost, so the product was withdrawn from sale in Australia. Eventually that issue was resolved and Sylk became available in Australia again.

In the mean time I would buy Sylk online direct from New Zealand and all was well.

However something is rotten in the state of Denmark…

I tend to buy Sylk in bulk once every year or two and my supply is currently running low. So today, I decided to order some more. Sylk is still listed in many online stores, but all but one listed it as “out of stock”. This lead me to ask Google the question “why is Sylk not available”.

The answer is that back in early 2023 Sylk (after another change of ownership) had to recall three batches of their product due to an issue with mold being found in some bottles in the UK. This is extremely disappointing of course as I have used and trusted Sylk literally for the fourteen years I have been a sex worker.

Production still has not been restored and there is only a trickle of supply available globally.

So we come to the “Denmark” question. I was very disappointed to hear that the company had been sold back in 2016. I can understand the original owner’s desire to make the most of their creation, but what is perfectly clear now is that management of the company is not what it used to be and customers who love and rely on the brand are being forced to go else where. To make matters worse the company was sold again in 2023. It really feels like Sylk as a business has lost its way.

Which is where I am left today – trying to figure out the best option for the single most important product that I use almost every day.

So far the best I can find is this: YES Organic Water Based Natural Lubricant 50ml

People online seem to like it as an alternative, so I have bought a bottle and will give it a go. I *really* hope that it is a good as it claims, but only time will tell. Sadly it’s about twice the price that I used to be able to buy Sylk for, although at least part of that will be recent inflation I expect.

I will report back when I receive it and know more.

In the mean time please feel free to drop a comment below on your favourite lube. I’m interested to hear your thoughts: water based, or silicon? Thick, or thin? What works best for you?

John