I haven’t written about this topic in a while, partly because I think I have said most of what needs to be said. You can read my previous posts here: virginity (at time of writing there are 16 articles relating to first time sex). I have also written some articles which can be found here: My offer for virgins
However someone sent me a link to this recent article from the ABC so since it’s topical again I thought perhaps it was worth covering again.
The part that stands out to me in this article is how “never having had sex” effects people’s lives beyond just missing out on actually having sex.
From the headline “…make her feel like an outsider” – I was talking about this twelve years ago back when I was new to the industry and it understandably hasn’t changed.
When you haven’t had the experiences that your friends and family have had and you can’t share them – or worse you can’t even relate to them it has serious negative effects on your ability to connect with the people around you.
If you have never had sex it puts you on the outside in almost every social situation and that can be a terribly lonely and isolating place to be that will absolutely make your life less happy.
Jo’s last words in the article are: “You don’t really miss what you’ve never had, right?”
I disagree. You may not be conscious of what you are missing, but our bodies have a lot of stuff hardwired into them and sex and reproduction are one of the most primal aspects of our biology and psychology. Even if we aren’t conscious of missing something there will be effects – emotional and physical. I think that it is reasonable to say that we can miss something we have never had, even if we aren’t aware of what we are missing.
I don’t expect that Jo will ever read this post, but other women in a similar situation probably will. Let me say this to you: almost every woman who comes to me who wants to have sex for the first time (and I usually see at least two or three each year ranging in age from 20 to 45) say to me afterwards: “is that it? Why was I so worried about it?” and often “I wish I’d just done it earlier, I feel like I’ve missed out on so much”.
It’s always heartbreaking for me hearing those words. Our society makes *such* a huge deal out of sex – “Don’t have it! You’ll get a disease/pregnant/go to hell!”, “You must have sex or you’re not cool!”, “You can’t have the sex you want because [reasons…]”
So many conflicting pressures, so much stress over something that is and should be a natural and easy part of our lives.
The reality is that everyone deserves to have safe, consensual sex. If you have never had sex and you want to get over that emotional and mental hurdle then reach out to me. I am happy to talk and discuss your situation and your needs and if it feels right, give you an experience that set you on the road to a fulfilling sex life.
John