Being who you are can be very hard

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I saw an article today in the local paper that caused me to want to write something. You can see the article here:

http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/how-one-man-thinks-he-can-change-the-samesex-marriage-debate-in-10-minutes-20150721-gigw8w.html

In summary, the gentleman who is the subject of the article is gay. He grew up in a small town, with (one can imagine) little or no support, and the horrible prospect of homophobic reprisals against him if he came out to friends and family. He survived though, and ultimately his story is helping others and even influencing politicians.

What resonated with me though in this article is the fear and pain that Lachlan felt because he was different. Different to his friends and family. Different to the social stereotypes that society and the media propagate. Different to what he thought he should be.

This last item is perhaps the most insidious. It’s one thing to defend yourself when you have confidence in who and what you are. It’s another thing entirely when you can’t even trust yourself. So this is my topic for this post: understanding and trusting ourselves.

As you know I work as a male escort for women. I came to this work for a number of reasons, but perhaps the key reason is that I love sex and (if I may say so), I am good at it. I like having lots of sex. And I like having sex with more than one person. As a male escort this benefits everyone. As a person in a “regular” job and a monogamous relationship (which was me for most of my adult life) it left me feeling a little like Lachlan. I didn’t fit in to that society. I didn’t fit in to that world. I was ashamed that I loved sex, because society told me that really loving sex wasn’t ok, oh and it probably meant that I was a pervert too.

The truth though was and is for me, for other men, and also for women that many, many of us love sex. We love it a lot. We want to have it. We are sick of being told that we can’t, or it’s not right, or it’s not normal, or it’s bad. These things are untrue. They are figments of the imagination of a demented society that tries to deform people’s minds and sexualities, be they gay, straight, lesbian, bi, queer, asexual etc.

You do not need to doubt yourself. You do not need to be ashamed that you like sex and want to have it – no matter how vanilla or chandelier swinging kinky. It is one of the great pleasures of my work to see a woman who comes to me knowing what she wants, but barely able to ask for it, blossom into a person who knows and trusts her body and her sexuality. One of my clients has gone on to become an award winning maker of feminist porn. Others have found relationships that fulfill their sexual needs. Some have overcome their personal fears and inhibitions to be able to enjoy sex in a way that they couldn’t in the past.

I don’t claim credit for these transformations. I am simply part of the journey that these women took to being able to own their sexuality, no matter what it’s form.  This is something that we should all be able to do and should be supported in doing.

John.

 

Be fit, be healthy, have good sex

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Our lives are far too busy. I for one find myself beset by the devil of lack of routine. From week to week I can never know what I will be doing day or night, as a consequence I try to walk each day, at least. It makes getting regular exercise hard and while I am quite happy with my body, I know that I would benefit from being fitter and stronger. So it’s time for a change!

Earlier in the year I was swimming regularly in preparation for the Sydney Skinny, which was great. It gave me good aerobic fitness, increased my energy levels and built muscle. But winter isn’t conducive to swimming (even when it’s indoor in a heated pool). I used to be a capable runner, but recent back trouble means that the impact of running may be destructive for me.

So, so for aerobic exercise, it’s back to the bike for me. Pushbike that is. I have loved cycling since I was in high school and used to regularly ride hundreds of kilometers each week. I found that it makes swimming and running easier as well which was an added bonus. Unfortunately, just before Christmas my good road bike was stolen, so I am currently without a bike, which is very frustrating on a day that is glorious and sunny and just begging for a few laps on the road around Olympic Park!

I am currently saving up for a new bike and am hoping to buy one in time for spring.

Unfortunately life always seems to be pushing us away from doing the things that are best for us, like getting enough sleep, getting proper exercise, eating well. When I look at the things that I have valued and enjoyed most in my life, it has never been the long hours at work (prior to being a male escort!) that have made me happy. It’s been spending time with friends, family, and partners. It’s been good food and drink. It’s been time and space for doing creative things. And of course time and energy for good sex.

John.

All about sex – a writing project

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In my recent post about sex education I suggested that it was time for me to write something on the topic.

In the last few weeks I have started on this project and am delighted to say that it is progressing well.  My intention is to publish parts of the book here as they are completed, or at least knocked into a reasonable shape.  I expect that it will be an ongoing project that evolves over time as I get feedback and more experience with the process and subject.

So.  Stay tuned.

John.

Sense8 sex

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I don’t mind a bit of television in my down time, and I have been interested to see over the years how the depiction of sex has evolved in popular culture (like TV). Sex in mainstream movies is still very tame – hamstrung by the need to meet sensors requirements, directors tend not to risk too much, lest their work be shredded under the sensor’s knife. Television though, with its long format, high volume, and (relatively) low cost can try things that are more risky.

netflix-sense8So. I recently started watching the series Sense8. If you liked the series Heroes then Sense8 may appeal. It is written by the Wachowski siblings (who are more commonly known for movie scripts and directing), and as a result has a really interesting relationship with sex, sexuality, and gender identity. There are gay male characters, lesbian characters, a transgender character, a straight woman who loves gay male porn, the list goes on. It has to be the most sexually diverse range of characters ever assembled.

This is not so surprising though since Lana Wachowski, one half of the Wachowski siblings (born Laurance), underwent gender reassignment to become Lana around 2008. As such, I am sure that the transgender character in Sense8 will be at least in part auto-biographical. And there is nothing like an intense personal experience to give a story depth and impact.

What was most surprising though was a sex scene that (without giving away too much I hope) involved at least eleven characters. Yes, it was basically an orgy that included full frontal male and female nudity, female masturbation, gay male sex, lesbian sex, heterosexual sex. And more cross-gender and inter-gender kissing, cuddling, groping, and orgasms than you can handle.

It was seriously hot. And very, well done. Perhaps just the shock of what was actually being shown was part of why it worked so well. I have never, ever seen anything like it outside of porn – and then the production values, acting, and direction would not come close. It was genuinely interesting sex that made sense in the story without being gratuitous at all really.

So while Sense8 is mostly just fun action drama type television, it also has a very serious side. It is challenging perceptions about gender, it is challenging perceptions about what is erotic and when and where it is appropriate to show. And best of all I think, it is showing that sex is (or should be) a part of everyone’s life. It’s not something reserved for porn stars, or for actors in movies, and it doesn’t have to be the peak of some plot point. It’s for everyone, regardless of how you see yourself and how others see you. It’s for first thing when you wake up in the morning. Or last thing at night. And really any time in between. All you need is to feel that it’s right, be that solo, with a friend, a lover, or more.

It’s not about conforming to other peoples’ ideas of “sexy”. It’s you experiencing your body, your desires, you mind, and other bodies, other minds, other desires and finding out how they work best for you.

So I am saying thank you to Sense8 and the Wachowski siblings, the cast and crew. It takes guts and determination to make something that pushes boundaries. I am sure that much of conservative America (and Australia) will have real trouble with it, but I am hoping that the show will sell well, the studio make its profit, and subsequent seasons be produced.

I have a strong desire to see sex portrayed in a more realistic and well produced way on screen and I think that this is a leap (not a step) in that direction.

John.

Beauty – part II

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I made a blog post a couple of days ago about Australian journalist Clementine Ford being deluged with hate mail for standing up to Channel Seven’s Sunrise program (when they engaged in “victim blaming” in response to news about women having their nude photos hacked and published without their permission).

I see today that one of the perpetrators (who threatened to bash and rape her and called her “lesbian scum”) who Ms Ford outed, has apologised and is feeling the heat of public disapproval. See here:

http://www.smh.com.au/national/man-shamed-for-trolling-clementine-ford-apologises-for-online-attack-20150625-ghxz24.html

On reading his responses though I am left cold. This much is clear: this man still, does not understand why what he did was wrong. He is only apologising because he got caught and was embarrassed.

It brings into focus a common problem: some people are either unable, or unwilling to see that the way they treat other people is wrong. This is particularly bad when it’s men treating women badly in relationships.

So what’s the point? It is this: if you are in a relationship where you are being abused physically, or emotionally then you are not obliged to just accept or tolerate it. People like the man in this article may one day be able to see why what he did was wrong. But he clearly can’t yet. And the only way that he will learn this lesson is for women (like Clementine Ford) to state clearly and repeatedly that what he did was not ok and to walk away from him.

Not everyone is incapable of learning from their mistakes. I like to think that I am a better person for having my mistakes and errors pointed out to me and then trying to do better. But when someone has shown that they aren’t, or won’t, then it is the right thing to do to move on – for your own health and well-being.

It is no our job to rescue people from themselves. We can only do so much before the cost becomes too great.

I am not saying that we should throw away relationship at the first sign of trouble. Not at all. But it is important to know when to put yourself first and to stand up for your own needs.

John.

It’s time that we had REAL sex education

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Following on from my recent post about beauty in our society I want to write something about sex education. It’s a topic that I have cared about since my ok, but rudimentary sex education in high school. I was prompted today by this article in the local paper. From the article:

So it is not uncommon then for a female student to graduate high school having never received any formal education on topics such as natural lubrication, the clitoris, female masturbation or the female orgasm, even though the male equivalent of these topics were first broached way back in primary school.

The inherent asymmetry this creates then stigmatises female pleasure, while reinforcing a phallocentric model of sex. Thus male pleasure is centrally coded into the experience and attributed hyper significance, while the female orgasm is treated as taboo, embarrassing, irrelevant or even non-existent.

Worse still, by erasing female needs and prioritising male needs as paramount, the current model of sex education normalises male entitlement and perpetuates female voicelessness. At a fundamental level, this reinforces the same gender stereotypes and patterns which give rise to sexual violence and intimate partner violence.

For Manon and Lyndsay, this all points to a need for urgent reform, starting with more consultation with young women.

I couldn’t agree more about the need for reform. Also for the participation of young people (girls and boys). And that when we neglect to make sex education broad and inclusive of both genders (and a range of ages!), we help to entrench stereotypes that marginalise women and their right to self knowledge and sexual pleasure.

It is a regular occurrence for me that I meet women who have little connection with their bodies and their sexuality, who have difficulty achieving orgasm, and generally have a hard time enjoying sex. It happens so often that I specifically offer “therapeutic” services to try to assist women and give them a better sex life. It is enjoyable and rewarding work for me, but in an ideal world it would not be necessary.

To this end I have often thought about (collaboratively) writing a set of ebooks for young (and not so young) people about all aspects of sexuality. Not just the biology of reproduction like I was taught at school, but about relationships (straight, gay, bi, open, closed, and poly), kissing, masturbation, oral sex, contraception, consent, peer pressure, penetrative sex, breaking up, emotions, porn, and anything else that people wanted to hear about.

Importantly I think that this sort of material shouldn’t be “one size fits all”, but revised or expanded for gender, orientation, and age. Young people need access to this information, but even us adults need it too some times.

And we now live in an age where (thanks to the magic of computers, smartphones, tablets, and the Internet) we have the ideal means of distribution and totally private viewing for this sort of material. In short the time has never been better to solve this problem.

Having said that, I guess it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and write something. So, a question for my readers: as a young person (or as an adult), what aspect of sexuality would you have liked most to be able to pick up a short e-book and read about?

In hindsight, as a teenage male, I would have benefited most from a book about masturbation for boys/men. I suffered for many, many years with premature ejaculation (ironic I know, given what I do now!) and I can absolutely attribute that to having no idea about how I should have been learning to masturbate – with a view to having a healthy sex life once I had a partner to share sex with. Just a few basic tips would have made my sex life (and that of my first three partners) much more enjoyable.

So, please let me know what you think. I am very interested to hear your thoughts.

John.

Beauty is so much more than skin deep

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A recent hacking incident that lead to private nude photos of women being published on line caused a cascade of responses, one of those being presenters on Channel Seven’s Sunrise program here in Sydney indulging in victim blaming.  This lead Sydney Morning Herald columnist Clementine Ford to respond with a semi nude photo, posted to Facebook with a message “Hey #Sunrise – get fucked”.

It was, I thought a powerful response and entirely appropriate.  The post has been very popular and attracted vast numbers of comments.

Clementine Ford has since published an article in the Sydney Morning Herald talking about the torrent of abuse that her post drew down on her.  Mostly men basically trying to shame her for how she looks.  To her credit she had held the line and not taken the post down despite the very, very personal criticism.

We live in a media saturated world that puts physical beauty on a pedestal (then alternately savages it).  We all know this, but we like to think that the people around us aren’t so shallow – after all, we live in the “real world” not in the celebrity world.  But the truth is that, as Clementine Ford experienced, there are plenty of regular men (and boys one suspects) who are equally vacuous and malicious and prepared to publicly judge and criticize women for their appearance.

Which is why I am writing this post.  It is a common thing for women who come to me to feel insecure about their appearance, or even hate how their bodies look.  Year of subtle, or not so subtle denigration by people around them, and of course the relentless pressure of the media sap their confidence and take away their love and enjoyment of themselves.

I am often asked what I do if I don’t find a client attractive.  The answer is not what most people expect though.  When it comes down to it, I see all of my clients as people, as women, as human beings.  Different shapes and sizes, different interests, fear, worries, and desires.  But all people.  And in every person there is something to admire, something that can arouse passion and make a person attractive to themselves and someone else.

On top of that, no matter what, we are all able to enjoy sex.  And sex transforms people, pleasure makes people vulnerable and beautiful.  Not beautiful in the superficial way that the media would recognise, but in a way that speaks to the partner with whom they are sharing something so intimate.

We all have beauty.  And it deserves to be celebrated.  A big part of what I do is give women an opportunity and the safety to experience feeling and being beautiful.

John.

A sex club for women…

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Killing Kittens, is a “sex club” for women, started in the UK by Emma Sayle and now grown to 40,000 members world wide (now including Sydney). What can I say but “wow”. That’s impressive.

I read about it in this article.

The impressive thing is that Ms Sayle has created a club dedicated to sex for women and it has worked – (some) women actually enjoy it. It defies the stereotypes of women and their sexuality, and it tells us something real about what women want and what they are prepared to try if they feel safe and in control. That’s a really significant discovery.

Sayle’s club has a few rules:

  • Members only (AUD $200 per month approx.)
  • Only men who are part of a couple can attend
  • Men are not allowed to initiate sex, only the women can do that
  • All members are vetted for “attractiveness” (I am not too keen on this rule)

So Sayles has worked out the formula that allows (some) women to be comfortable with their sexuality, to engage with it, and to experience sex outside of the traditional sanctioned confines of a monogamous relationship. It’s great to know, because we can absolutely put to rest the notion that “men always/only want sex” but “women need to be in love to enjoy sex”.

It’s simply not true.

The truth is that everyone can enjoy sex. Men and women alike. But our upbringing, our personality, libido, health, stress, and more can all affect when, where, and how we want sex and are able to enjoy it. The problem is that modern life rarely prioritises making us healthy, happy, relaxed, and with time to spare. It’s a battle to pay bills, to raise children, to build careers, and often, just to get along. Sex loses out almost every time.

So, if there is a lesson to be learned from Emma Sayle and Killing Kittens, it seems to be that we need to look after ourselves and make time and space in our lives for our sexuality. This isn’t a new idea, and I am pretty sure that I have said it before. It is nice though to have Sayle’s experiment to support the idea that if we do, then men and women can enjoy sex as and when we want to.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the upcoming inaugural party in Sydney will cost $1200 per couple to attend!  That’s if you can make the guest list of course.

John.

Living without sex

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I happened upon an article titles Living Without Sex via the Sydney Morning Herald recently. You can see it here:

http://www.dailylife.com.au/news-and-views/dl-culture/what-is-it-like-to-live-without-sex-20150329-1ma4lh.html

It peaked my curiosity as most articles about sex and sexuality usually do. I was ready for something similar to an article that I have seen in the past on the subject that left me unconvinced. It was about a group of young people who considered themselves asexual, had never had sex, and weren’t interested in it. There are a number of issues with that situation, but I won’t go into them here. This article however was more relevant I think to the people who visit my website.

It looked at three different women who each had their own life related reasons for not having sex. Ranging from choice to medical reasons. I would like to touch on each briefly and make some comments.

Sara – 43, chose to stop having sex for a year as she found that her instinctive response to men (to flirt and sometimes sleep with them) was making it difficult for her to make good decisions about relationships. I think that this is fascinating, and a lesson that more people could benefit from incorporating into their lives. She found that when she put sex aside that she was better able to see potential partners for who they were and decide if they were right for her. It sounds like a good decision to me. Being able to understand ourselves and why we make the choices that we do and what drives them is the path to making better choices in the future.

Sally Broom – 37, chose to stop having sex for religious reasons. For me, this is more of a negative example. I understand that some people have beliefs that preclude sex, the problem is that many people (including Sally) find ways to excuse themselves from this stricture when it suits them. Then they feel guilty. Or don’t enjoy it. Or feel bad about what they have done. This can lead to very negative feelings about self and sex in the long term. I was raised Catholic, so I understand the way that organised religions can use guilt to control people, especially when it comes to sex. But it can do much more than just control you, it can damage you and your relationship with sex and with your body. My personal opinion is that religion does not belong in our sex lives and should never be allowed to guide our choices about who, how, and when we have sex.

Sally has had the experience of discovering that since she became celibate that she is more engaged in the rest of her life and that other things are fun too. I would turn this around and say: to the person who represses natural sexual desire that you are missing out on something that can be very positive in your life. All things should be done in moderation, including sex, but repressing anything that you love and desire will have consequences for the rest of your life. They may be trivial, or, as is often the case with repressing sexual desire, they may be huge. I have plenty of personal experience in this area and my considered opinion is that it’s not healthy and can go a long way to making you miserable and no fun for the people around you.

Breanna Percy – 24, had a medical condition called vaginismus. Simply put it means that due to fear, or trauma, or some other reason, the muscles of the vaginal opening contract strongly and don’t allow the woman to have sex. It’s a reasonably common problem, and thankfully one that no woman needs to put up with. In Breanna’s case she eventually (with the help of Google – yay for Google!) worked out that she had vaginismus. It still took her a long time though to find a method of treatment. In her case it involved going to the US for expensive treatment at a clinic that uses therapy and vaginal dilators to gradually allow a woman to train the muscles of her vagina to relax.

The good news is that you don’t need to go to the US and it doesn’t need to be terribly expensive. You can easily buy the vaginal dilators online (safely and anonymously) and there are plenty of doctors and therapists around who will help you with the use of them. It is even something that I have done on a number of occasions successfully with clients. Half the battle with problems like vaginismus is knowing that you are normal and that other women have the same problems that you do. Once you realise that and have someone to help who is supportive and understands, then it’s just a matter of a few weeks to do the work and help your body learn that having sex is safe, not painful, and even fun.

So why live without sex? Having sex can be good for your mental health. It’s (another) way to connect with people. And best of all, it’s fun when you know how to do it well and are with someone you connect with. And one thing that I definitely see missing from too many people’s lives is fun.

John.

Winter is coming…

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I have to say, I am really glad that I am not heading home from Sydney today!  I have had enough of riding in the rain.

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Five minutes after I took this photo, these beautiful moody clouds began dumping a torrent of rain on Sydney.

So, here’s hoping that if you are in Sydney (or anywhere else that the weather is inclement), that you are tucked up warm and dry like me.

John.