PSA for men – when you are giving her oral and she is close to orgasm…

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Giving oral sex to women is one of my favourite things to do.  It always has been and I am generally told I am pretty good at it.  And most women can reach orgasm with me that way.

But there’s a trick to helping a woman orgasm from oral sex – it’s something that I think I have always done instinctively, but according to a number of women I have asked, many men just don’t understand it.

The trick, is to be consistent – don’t change your style when she is getting close to orgasm!

So you need to be aware of what that looks and feels like. There are many signs (but be aware that not all women will show them, so a little help sometimes from her saying she’s getting close can be good), arching her back, tensing her stomach muscles and thighs, her vagina clenching, change in pitch and tone of her voice and breathing…

It’s all there to read if you pay attention – and that is when you really, really need to just keep doing what you are doing for her. No need to go faster or harder – what you are doing is working, so just KEEP DOING IT!

Most of the time with most women she will continue to sail on to have an orgasm and all will be right in the world.

There’s a lot more I could say about giving good oral sex, but that’s a story for another time. This PSA was just about the ending – and making it as happy as possible!

John

Is there something that you particularly love, hate, or just wish that men new about sex? Drop a comment or an email john@john-oh-escort.com and I’ll do a PSA on it.

The rest of the world doesn’t understand sex work in Australia (and New Zealand)

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Sex work in most of Australia is now decriminalised.  Current states and territories that have decriminalised sex work include: New South Wales, Victoria, Northern Territory, and the Australian Capital Territory. That covers the majority of the population of Australia.  Other states have some form of “legalised” sex work which is still better than nothing, but we are waiting for them to catch up.

This is good for both sex workers and our clients.  Sex workers can go to the police for protection if we need, clients also are protected by consumer protection law from sex workers who may behave unethically.  And most of all – because of this protection potential abusers no longer considered sex workers (or our clients) “easy targets” that no one will care about.

People from other countries generally have no understanding of what this means for sex work and sex workers.  Case in point, a video that I came across the other day. 

https://www.facebook.com/ItsGoneViralOfficial/videos/456528303190628

This post looks to be ripped off the TikTok of the original creator – a female sex worker in Sydney, Australia called Jasmine (https://www.tiktok.com/@gentle_aura).

What is relevant here is the comments on the Facebook repost.  They are for the most part judgemental, ignorant, moralistic (or some combination of the above), and show no awareness of decriminalisation of sex work and understanding of how it changes the industry.

Decriminalisation of sex work makes the work much, much safer for women – as sex workers and as clients. It is frustrating when I am contacted by women (especially from the US) who want to see a male sex worker but are unable to find a suitable man in their area. I would like to be able to refer them to someone known in the industry with a good reputation and plenty of online presence to allow potential clients to decide if they are suitable. But where sex work is criminalised workers have to hide themselves.

For most women who might choose to pay a sex worker this makes the entire transaction just too much of a risk. So they are locked out of the opportunity to explore their sexuality in that way.

It’s easy for us to take for granted what we have here in Australia. So I’m taking this moment to recognise the privilege that we have compared to our peers (workers and clients) around the world. We are incredibly lucky – but never forget that all of these advances can be taken away from us if we fail to defend our hard won rights from the ignorant masses who reflexively lash out at sex work whenever it is presented to them.

John

There is no “normal”, just what’s normal to you

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People often ask me “what’s the weirdest thing you have ever been asked to do by a client”. The very vanilla answer to that question is “most women who come to me just want some good basic sex”.

But it does lead me to think about what “weird” really means.

My observation of people, sex, and sexuality over the last twelve years as a male escort for women (and couples) is that our sexuality – the things that “excite” us as opposed to our orientation, gender identity etc – exist on a spectrum and that what we like comes about in large part from what we are exposed to as we begin to explore sex.

In my teens I was exposed to heteronormative ideas and the images and practices that go with it – nuclear family, 80’s pop culture, Playboy and Penthouse magazines, the book The Joy of Sex (which I still think is a good read for heterosexual people), and very little else.

So that became my “normal”.  As I was discovering sex those things were imprinted in my psyche and remain there to this day underpinning what is arousing for me. A lot of people have very similar experiences as they become sexually aware and engaged – so we reflexively assume that because most people are like us that this is somehow “normal” – with the inference that interests elsewhere on the sexual spectrum are somehow “weird”, or worse – “abnormal”.

In reality though – as long as something is consensual and legal – declaring what is and isn’t “normal” is an arbitrary value judgement – not an objective truth. I may not be aroused by what another person is aroused by, but that says nothing about its value, or validity. It’s just my perception. The key that fits their sexual lock doesn’t fit mine and vice versa.

Some women who contact me are embarrassed to tell me what they find arousing, what works for them. So I think that it is important to say that – as long as what you want is consensual and legal – that I am always happy for someone to ask me for what they want. I’m open to most things – but even if I’m not comfortable with something, then I’m not going to judge you for asking. You are entitled to enjoy what you enjoy, and I will respect that. 

Want to call me “daddy”? Well ok then. Need to be spanked on the bottom? That’s fine. Like to go out for dinner with no underwear to spice things up? By all means. You aren’t going to shock me, and I will not judge you for what you want.

And neither should the rest of society!

John

“The Ravishment Option” and owning our sexuality

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I was sent me a link a while back to this sex work themed comedy short film. It’s hilarious and sweet, and very entertaining. I want to talk about one scene near the start – so you have been warned, spoilers ahead, I suggest you watch it before reading on (it’s only 15 minutes long).

https://youtu.be/8iCW7aLc8bQ

The story opens with a young woman Enid researching male sex workers and booking Ricky. When Ricky arrives he sweeps Enid up in his arms and kisses her deeply – much to her disgust! Ricky apologises and tells her he thought she selected “the ravishment option” when she booked (which she did not).

Now it’s a funny scene and well played in the film – but it also made me chuckle because this is literally a real thing – not a check box when you book, but I have had several clients will sometimes ask (in different words) for The Ravishment Option.

The vast majority of women who come to see me, whether it’s the first time or the 20th time like to have time to relax, chat, and connect before anything more intimate happens. That is totally understandable. Some women though, when they are in the mood want something different – and if they feel comfortable and secure with me then they may well ask to be “ravished” the moment they walk through the door.

I think that this is a good thing – not just individually, but more broadly. Many people don’t feel that they can ask for what they want. Worse I think that many people can’t even give themselves permission to want what they want.

Which is even worse and possibly harder to change. So lets talk about that.

I have come to the conclusion over my years working as a straight male escort for women that there is no such thing as “normal” and “abnormal” when it comes to a person’s sexuality. Just distributions of people who like similar things.

While I am sure that there are some traits, like being gay, or gender dysphoria that are rooted in biology, I think that much of our sexuality is created through our experiences. Like a man who, having the experience of being captured and sat on by some girls his age when he was going through puberty, to this day finds being sat on by a dominant woman to be a powerful turn on. I have come across many cases like this that while at the more distant ends of the sexual spectrum serve to illustrate how someone like me ended up with fairly “average” sexual inclinations. I never had unusual or extreme experiences of sex and sexuality when I was younger and so my tastes and preference now reflect that.

I like to compare sexuality to a book. When we first open our book there are certain things written in there – personally my book has always said “straight male”. But most things that come after that I can look back on my life and my experiences from early teens into my twenties and find correlations between what I experienced and what I now find interesting/arousing/motivating/distracting sexually.

It took me a long time though – until my early thirties to reconcile what I wanted and responded to instinctively and what I thought I should want. That gap was a source of unhappiness that I wasn’t really aware of. When I did finally “come out” to myself and start to accept and embrace my sexuality I found a kind of inner peace that I had never had before.

I didn’t have to hide what I wanted anymore. I didn’t have to pretend to be something I’m not. It was a revelation. And it was without doubt one of the things that lead me to sex work as a career, something that has changed and improved my life in many ways.

So what is the lesson? I think it is that we need to listen to ourselves. Hear what our bodies and minds are asking for, then find a way to give that to ourselves. If we can do that then we will be happier, healthier, and better-rounded people.

John

Moving on, moving forward

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Some years ago I wrote this post: The Chance to Say Goodbye. It talked about my experience as a sex worker meeting my clients and in time them moving on. I also wrote this post: Is it ok to See a Sex Worker Indefinitely discussing the merits and considerations of seeing a sex worker long term.

I’ve been thinking about these two posts recently as a number of my long-term clients have recently moved on.

As per the first article, it’s a bittersweet moment for me to hear that. Bitter because I don’t get to see someone I have gotten to know, sometimes over years and who’s company I enjoy. Sweet because I am happy that their life is now more complete than it was when they first came to me and they no longer need what I provided to them.

“My life is full and I am content. A lot of that is due to you and the confidence you imbued in me over the last 18 months.”

It is gratifying that my service can give someone confidence in themselves and help them to arrive at a better place than they were before they came to see me.

But then there are the women I see every month, year on year who have found the place that they want or need to be, with me. An uncomplicated connection, physical fulfilment, that is safe and secure, and an intimate experience that is dedicated solely to their pleasure.

In this (sort of) post covid era many people have been reassessing their lives, trying to find a new balance that makes them happy. And that has included deciding to see a sex worker where they might not have in the past, or alternatively, not seeing a sex worker that they might have seen regularly.

While this has at times meant handling cancellations, I want to say that if you are a client to a sex worker – it is always ok for you to change your mind. The last three years have brought a lot of change to all of our lives and we have to be ready to respect and support the people around us and their choices.

John

Menopause and sex

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A lot of women who come to see me are beginning or are well into menopause. This can be an added challenge for women who haven’t have much – or any – sex in a long time. The comment “I feel like I’m a virgin again” and similar words are very common and not a bad analogy really, because there are certainly some similarities.

The main one is probably uncertainty about having sex and worry that it might be painful or at least uncomfortable. The main issue though for post menopausal women is generally less natural lubrication. Thankfully that is easily remedied. I personally like and use Sylk personal lubricant, it lasts well, doesn’t become sticky, and with the addition of some water can become slippery again.

If you want next level “slipperiness” though silicon based lube may be right for you. Silicon lubes wont dry out like water based lubricants, they don’t become sticky, and they are unlikely to cause any upset to vaginal flora (and risk causing thrush as some water based lubes can).

The thing to remember with any lube though is that you should use plenty of it and top it up regularly. It is a hassle to do and can break the rhythm of sex, but it’s better than running out and ending up sore. Condoms also really suck up lube too, more so than unprotected sex, so that’s another good reason to use copious lube.

Along with less lubrication, menopause may mean less skin elasticity and a greater vulnerability to small tears and abrasions during sex. Here again plenty of lube can help, along with a little awareness from a sex partner that it can be an issue.

Menopause and the hormonal changes it results from may also change a woman’s arousal response and affect how and how easily she can achieve orgasm. So if you are coming back to sex post menopause you might find perhaps that “things have changed”. In my experience this is not usually a problem and with a little practice you will be able to get back to a place where you can achieve orgasm the way you want to.

Perhaps the main thing to know though about menopause is that while your body may change it absolutely should not stop you having and enjoying sex! Of course if you do have issues then consulting a doctor is a good idea.

John

How long do you want penetrative sex to last?

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I saw this video in my Youtube feed the other day and professional curiosity suggested that I should probably watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siXHIeregY8

The women interviewed, on average declared that they would like penetrative sex to last for about half an hour – feel free to drop a comment below and let me know how long you would like sex to last. I’m curious to know where my readers stand on this question.

Now, compare that to the mean duration of PIV sex reported by couples (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-long-does-sex-last#considerations)

If the numbers are to be trusted, then it’s little surprise that so many women are disappointed with the sex that they are having.

So what is the solution?  As always I think that it comes back to good communication.  Something that is very hard to do around a subject as emotional and sensitive as sex is for most people.

It’s not easy for many of us to ask for what you want – and it can be very difficult for partners to hear those requests and not feel an implicit criticism.  There is no easy answer here because as a society we still treat sex as a taboo subject.  But at least we know where we need to start.

John

Towards a healthier view of our sexuality

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Drawn in by the headline of this article “Bizarre sex challenge men need to stop” I clicked and I read…

Apparently there are men out there who abstain for ejaculation during the month of November. 

They claim (with no evidence the article says) that it has sex/health benefits. Which seems unlikely. After all we know that regular ejaculation is good for prostate health if nothing else (reducing lifetime risk of prostate cancer by 33% and that benefit is greater the older we get).

While the article is rather all-over-the-place it does make the point that fads/challenges/rules etc about sex are more likely to encourage unhealthy thinking about our bodies and sex than they are to improve our sexual function.

That seems like a reasonable statement to me.

We all have baggage from our lives, from growing up, to learning about sex, to relationships, to marriage, having children. It all effects us, shapes who we are, including sexually.

Abstaining from sex for one month each year isn’t going to solve anyone’s problems or give them god-like powers in bed.

What will help though is looking inside ourselves and listening to the voice that tells you what you really want in your sex life. it took me personally fifteen years from puberty to really accept my sexuality and embrace it (then another ten to become a straight male escort for women, but that’s another story).

That voice may be telling you that all you want is some basic sex every now and then, or it might be saying that you want wild sex with multiple partners every weekend – and it doesn’t matter where you are on that spectrum, it’s all valid. What matters is that you listen to it and accept where your sexuality is at right now (because its going to change throughout our lives).

This doesn’t mean you have to act of those feelings – but the act of accepting that our sexuality is a certain way, rather than denying it can be a powerful thing. There’s a release to be had from not constantly denying ones nature – even if you never indulge that nature.

And I think that is probably the right message to be taking away from all of this

John

Movie – Good Luck to You, Leo Grande – Part II

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So I watched Good Luck to You, Leo Grande tonight. And on the whole it filled the expectations that I mentioned in my first post about this movie.

I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who hasn’t watched it and might like to, so I’ll try to be general here rather than talking about specifics of the plot

If you are looking for an authentic picture of what an experience with a male sex worker is like, then Leo Grande is a reasonable portrayal (if overly dramatised). But I have to say that it is representative.

It’s not a bad film, generally it’s pretty good. It touches on real issues that I have dealt with – like consent, privacy, boundaries, communication, body image, low self esteem, difficulty achieving orgasm, and personal growth.

I will accept the conflict. That probably had to be in there for dramatic effect – but know this, your male sex worker should always be professional, no matter what.

I guess at the end of the day it felt good for me, a sex worker, to be represented in a realistic and mostly accurate and sympathetic fashion.

I think that it was also good to see Emma Thompson’s character – while vastly (somewhat unrealistically) over anxious – depicting so many things that women I often meet are going through.

On the whole I think that this movie is positive and a valuable contribution to education about sex work, sex workers, and why people – especially women – choose to see us.

John