Category Archives: Health

It’s ok to want what you want – AND it’s ok to ask for it

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I don’t think that it can be said often enough, clearly enough, and loudly enough, but…

(provided it’s consensual) IT’S OK TO WANT WHAT YOU WANT.  AND TO ASK YOUR PARTNER FOR IT.

Of course this is complicated infinitely by the dynamics of relationships, their history, your collective insecurities, children, age, physical issue, and more…

But at the end of the day you are allowed to want what you want. You are allowed to be turned on by what arouses you.  And you are allowed to ask for it.

I think that many people – while they may know all of this at some level – find it very hard to consciously accept it – let along to act on it.

It has happened many times that women who have made bookings with me have told me later that they didn’t feel that they could ask me for what they wanted. To be clear – I don’t blame them for this. It’s the result of a much larger problem that we have as a society around sexuality and sexual expression.

But it emphasises the scope of this problem. Everyone who books with me is buying my service and we have a discussion about what they want. But many women still don’t feel free to say “hey I would like us to do XYZ”.

I do my best to draw people out about their needs and wants, but I do have to be gentle about it. Some people genuinely don’t know what they want. Most of us are on a journey sexually and we are learning what works for us and what doesn’t every time we have sex with someone new (or are prompted by a partner). So I try to avoid pressuring anyone who may not need to, or want to start exploring their boundaries.

All of this though is to say – as clearly and directly as I can – that if you do want to try something or are even just curious to talk about a subject with me, that you should always feel free to ask. Even if it’s was something that I personally didn’t want to do – I will never judge you for it or be critical. At the worst I would politely decline and perhaps offer an alternative.

As a society, we need to be better at talking to each other about sex. The first step in that process though is being better about accepting our own sexuality and being able to have that conversation with ourselves. If we can’t even do that then it makes it almost impossible to have an open conversation with other people – like partners and children.

John

Sex toy safety

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Since we are all in various states of lockdown and sex toys are extremely popular right now, I thought it worth making a quick post about sex toy safety.

I saw this Twitter thread earlier and it’s worth sharing…

https://twitter.com/ftmcherub/status/1307977882745143296

What’s the main takeaways?

  • The sex toy industry is unregulated – with all of the horrible implications that has for product safety
  • You get what you pay for! If it’s cheap (with the possible exception of glass, stainless steel, and things on obvious heavy discount) then the toy is probably made from something that you don’t want to put in or on sensitive parts of your body.

Masturbation is good (I have a couple of articles in the works touching on this) and we should all do it. Toys are a fun way to expand that pleasure – but it’s really important to use safe toys!

John.

Well hello…

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Two weeks ago I was sent me a lovely CV-19/isolation gift – a one week trial with Hello Fresh – a company that delivers meal packages with everything you need to cook from scratch. So I thought I would take the opportunity to get a little creative and make a film with it.

I will admit I was sceptical, but I have to say – the food is really good!

John.

Help for couples with no sex experience – guidance and instruction about massage, touch, tantra, mutual oral, virginity, and more

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Not everyone who gets married has the sexual confidence and experience that they might like to have. It’s quite common for younger couples especially. Perhaps you come from a conservative culture and background, perhaps you just never had the chance to learn. It doesn’t matter how it happened – and it doesn’t mean you have to live with not knowing.

For many years now I have offered lessons to single women to help teach them about their body and help them explore their sexuality. I have also occasionally seen couples with similar needs, but I haven’t really written about this before and I thought that I should.

So here’s the bottom line – if you are a couple and one or both of you are inexperienced with sex (or even never had sex at all) then I can help you with practical instruction. I’m not a therapist who will just talk to you about what to do. As a straight male sex worker for women, I can provide practical experience in any area that you want to explore and gain confidence in. I can guide you and your partner through all of the things that you want to learn. I can demonstrate techniques (like how to give great oral sex to each other) showing both of you what works and how to learn about what each other likes. I can answer any questions that you have but don’t know who and how to ask.

My courses generally start with the simplest thing of all: touch. It can be literally just touching your partner’s body, it can be massage – which is a great way to explore and arouse your partner, it can be more sophisticated and sensual like intimate touch. I can show you all of these things and you can practice them with me and get feedback about how you are doing and improve your skills.

An extension of touch is oral sex. It’s an excellent way for a man to help his female partner to reach orgasm if she has trouble doing so through other means. I am very skilled in this area and can teach a man all of the techniques that he needs to be able to satisfy his partner. Conversely, I can show a woman how to touch her partner’s penis and teach her the techniques that make for great oral sex for him.

Are you a couple, newly married, and want to learn how to give each other erotic massage? I can help you with that. I can teach you how to give a massage that starts out relaxing and enjoyable, then builds up to sensual, creating lots of sexual tension and getting you both ready for some great sex…

Some couples are even in the position where one or both of them are virgins – have never experienced penetrative sex. I have met a couple from India in this situation in the past. This can be very stressful for both of you, but it’s a situation that I have been in many times and I can show you how to have sex for the first time without it being painful and help you to learn to make it great.

Techniques like tantra are especially good for couples to allow them to connect deeply and to make the sex that you have last as long as you want and to make it very satisfying. I can show you these things too.

Once you have the basics worked out, you might want to learn and experience more. If that’s the case, then I can help with that too. Advanced positions for sex, games like spanking, blindfolds, light BDSM. Anything that you can think of, I can help with practical guidance and instruction.

There is so much to explore for new couples and couples new to sex and I can be your guide. Safe. Knowledgeable. Discreet.

You can drop me a text, or email, or call me any time to discuss with no obligation and no risk.

John.

OMGyes and learning about women’s pleasure

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I was asked recently by someone with a teenage daughter if I new of any good online resources for girls to learn about sex, sexuality, and pleasure and it reminded me of a site that I was shown by a friend a couple of years ago. It took me a little while with google to find it again, but I managed to track it down – so I thought I should share it here as well.

It’s called OMGyes – http://omgyes.com

So what is it? From the site:

The distilled wisdom of 20,000 women, ages 18-95

Scientific studies conducted in partnership with Indiana University and Kinsey Institute researchers

and

For Women, Men, and Couples

OMGyes is for everyone who cares about women’s sexual pleasure and wants to make it even better

So it’s a website that contains lots of information about sexuality and how women can experience pleasure. But the really clever part is that it includes interactive tutorials that let you (on a tablet, phone, or computer) actually practice what you are learning about. For instance if you are learning about clitoral stimulation, then you have an interactive tool that lets you (on a tablet or phone) use your finger to experiment with playing with a woman’s clitoris as described. The system gives you feedback on how well you are doing it.

As someone who has spent much of my career in IT and as a male escort for women I was genuinely suprised by how good the site and particularly the learning tools are.

I would highly recommend it for anyone – male, female, or other – who want to learn about female pleasure.

Here’s an introductory video from OMGyes on Youtube that is safe for work…

Western societies are, in general, very reticent about talking about sex, let alone about sexual pleasure, so I think that this website and it’s tools are a breath of fresh air. I think that anyone (even me) can benefit from this information and I intend to revisit it again over the next week or two. If you are here on my website, then it’s likely that you too could learn something fun and enjoyable at OMGyes so I highly recommend having a look at it.

BTW – I am not sponsored by OMGyes, I just like the site and the information that they provide.

John.

Do you know, you can get help for painful sex?

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I received an email recently from Sydney therapist Tanya Koens about a course that she is running for professionals in her field to help treat patients who are dealing with sexual pain. So while this workshop is not for people seeking treatment, i thought it was worth writing about because I may have readers who have issues around painful sex, but don’t know that there are professionals who can help them.

Hello Lovely Colleagues

I’m just dropping you a line to let you know I am running a workshop for those working with clients who experience sexual pain. This group of clients has a particularly difficult time finding practitioners who will believe them and be able to help them. I’m passionate about helping people get the help they need and keen to share all that I have learned in 15 years practice as a sexologist.

The workshop details are here:

https://www.surryhillstherapy.com/whensexhurts

I would be ever so grateful if you could share this with colleagues. Social media don’t like things to do with sex and ban most of my workshop promotions.

Best
Tanya

Tanya’s last last sentence is particularly important I think – in this day and age of (most significantly) American fear and paranoia about sex and sexuality – especially on social media – it’s actually really hard for individuals who have problems around sex and sexuality to get the information that they need to be able to find the treatment or services that they need.

It never ceases to surprise me how many women who book sessions with me tell me that until say, seeing an article in the news paper, they didn’t even know that straight male escorts for women were a thing that existed – let alone were a service that they could use. Sex work has few places to exist “publicly” on the internet (meaning communal spaces like social media) and we can debate the merits of that censorship. But it is without doubt wrong that matters of sexual health be excluded from these spaces.

If you have a need for sexual health services – don’t despair. There are professionals like Tanya out there who can assist you and it’s worth investing the effort to find them and make a start on improving you life!

John

Minister Stuart Robert! The NDIS should fund sex services

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You may be aware that an Australian woman living with multiple sclerosis challenged our National Disability Insurance Scheme and won when they rejected her request for the NDIS to fund a therapist to provide her with regular sexual release.

You can read about the case here:

https://www.google.com/amp/amp.abc.net.au/article/11298838

This is a huge step forward in the recognition of sex as a natural and fundamental part of the human condition and that people with disabilities deserve it too.

Sadly though that is where the politician stepped in (from the article).

“Minister for the NDIS, Stuart Robert, said that ruling was out of line with community expectations.

‘The National Disability Insurance Agency (NDIA) intends to appeal the recent decision,’ he said.

‘The current position continues to be that the NDIS does not cover sexual services, sexual therapy or sex workers in a participant’s NDIS plan.'”

First – can I just say that it is nice to see a politician (particularly a conservative one) using the term “sex worker”. It’s rare and appreciated.

Sadly though Stuart Robert then fails to be a leader and reverts to nebulous conservative morality to justify appealing against the decision.

He claims that the NDIS funding sexual service for people who cannot experience sex because of their disability is not in line with “community expectations”.

There is a lot to unpack here.

The first is the idea that “the community” has a right to tell people what they can and can’t do in the bedroom. I think that we have, through things like the decriminalisation of homosexuality and indeed sex work here in NSW (and the Australian Capital Territory, and New Zealand), established that “the community” has no right to tell consenting adults what they can and can’t do to each other.

The second is that a minister of our government is hide bound to follow “community expectations”. This is absurd. Ministers make unpopular decisions regularly, they do so – they will tell you – for the good of the nation, to protect minorities, the environment etc.

So Stuart Robert claiming that he is duty bound to challenge the ruling because “the community” wouldn’t like people with disabilities being able to enjoy basic sexual release is nothing more than abdicating his responsibility as a minister and failing to be a true leader. Stuart Robert – if you are listening: man up and do your job.

Also – has Robert Stuart actually asked “the community” what we want? I’m fairly sure this question has never been polled anywhere, that being the case it’s even worse than abdication. He’s just deflecting and using the presumed moral authority (of “the community) to avoid having to take a stance that his party and his (presumably conservative) electorate might not like (read: he’s afraid he won’t get re-elected if he lets people with disabilities have an occasional shag).

As a straight male sex worker (escort) for women, I have been working with women with disabilities for almost my entire career. I know absolutely how important having intimate touch and the ability to enjoy and experience their sexuality is.

But personal experience shouldn’t even be necessary. Do we – does Stuart Robert – have no ability to empathise? Has he ever stopped to imagine never having someone touch him again in a sexual way? How about never being touched and being unable to even touch himself?

This is the reality of life for many of my clients with disabilities. And it’s not their fault. It’s just what they live with because life dealt them a shitty hand.

We happily fund or subsidise (through the NDIS) education, physical therapy, medication, accommodation, travel, and more for people who we as a society recognise are unable or disadvantaged to get those things for themselves because of their disability.

The only way that we can justify not funding sexual services as part of an NDIS plan is if we believe that sex isn’t an integral part of the human experience. I know that I personally need sex in my life to be a happy and fulfilled person. If I don’t have it, then it seriously impacts on my quality of life.

This is a message that I hear from my clients – able bodied or otherwise – regularly.

So why would “the community” have a problem with the NDIS allowing people with disabilities to occasionally enjoy what most of us take for granted?

John.

I’m a male sex worker for women – but what is my purpose?

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The obvious answer to this questions is: to give pleasure, sex, companionship, and comfort.

I do all of these things and those things as goals in and of themselves are perfectly reasonable and valuable.

But.

The longer that I do this job, the more I realise that for the women and couples who come to me, I am doing those things, but I am also doing something deeper. I’m helping them to find a way to live better lives.

It’s a rule (sort of) in writing dialog for a story that the characters never just say what they are thinking, or what they mean. Because in real life we don’t do that. Human beings are complex. We have fears. We have desires and needs. And these are things that we often cannot just say out loud for fear of judgement. Of loss. Of embarrassment.

So rather than saying what we need or want, we say what we think will help us get what we want without exposing our vulnerabilities.

In a similar way, people who come to me may not be able to say to their partner, or perhaps even articulate for themselves that what they need is a certain kind of human connection. A certain kind of fulfillment. But they know that having sex, spending time with someone who won’t judge them, being able to release the things that they normally feel compelled to hold in, will give them something that they don’t otherwise get.

It will make them happier, more fulfilled, more relaxed, and able to live their lives a little better.

I have the privilege to be able to help people to do that and while the giving of temporary pleasure is rewarding, what is even better in the long term is seeing people grow and find a better life. Not everyone who comes to see me has such catharsis – and not everyone even needs to. Sex can just be sex. But it can also be much, much more.

John.

No one needs to, or should live without the sex that they desire

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My entire life society has been telling me a lie. I’m sure that you have heard this lie too. And if you are aware of your needs as a sexual human being – and especially if they are not being fulfilled – then you are probably acutely aware of that lie.

The lie:

Sex doesn’t matter. It should come after every other responsibility in your life.

We hear this lie all the time. Everywhere. It usually won’t be explicit – unless we actually say that we want and need the sex that we are not getting – it’s usually a more subtle pressure…

Study has to be your priority, you don’t have time for a girlfriend/boyfriend.

Work comes first – you have to build a career…

As a parent you have to make sacrifices…

Each of these things are important. We do have to study if we want to improve our chances of getting the education and job that we want. We do have to build a career to provide for ourselves and our family. We do need to look after and provide for our children.

But these things shouldn’t always come at the expense of having a rewarding and satisfying sex life. If they do, then where is the room for having a sex life at all? Because we can always study more. Always work harder. Family will never stop making demands on us…

Part of the problem is that society tells us that we are only allowed to have sex under certain circumstances (in a relationship primarily). But what if we don’t want to have a relationship? Or what if we have a relationship, but it’s sexless? What if we are trying to find a relationship, but we can’t?

Why should a person be excluded from having physical intimacy just because we can’t be what society wants us to be?

At the end of the day, if you are a person who likes and needs sex in their life, then being denied sex will have real consequences emotionally. I know this, because I have been there. For much of my life I couldn’t have the sex that I wanted to. Now as a male sex worker for women, I have enough sex that I am satisfied – and I can see how it makes a difference to my mental health, my ability to concentrate.

Having a fulfilling sex life has literally changed the way my mind works, where once sex was a distraction that ate into my attention every day, now it is something that is in balance with the rest of my life. Letting me concentrate on other things as well that bring joy to my life that may once have been excluded by an unsatisfied need.

I know that I am not alone in feeling this way – because it is something that I hear semi-regularly from the women I meet through my work.

So, if you feel that you need more sex in your life – don’t let anyone tell you that it is not a valid way to feel. It’s ok to own your feelings. And it’s ok to want sex

John.

Enjoying a beautiful day

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The last few weeks have been pretty rough for the sex work community world wide.  You may not be aware of this, but the US government has created new laws that make promoting sex work a felony punishable by up to 10 years in jail.

Sex work is still decriminalised here in NSW, Australia, but the ripple effect (more like a tidal wave) has effected sex worker even here through uncertainty, the closure of advertising platforms, and the creation of a climate of fear.

It’s been a stressful time watching friends and co-workers, both here and abroad losing their incomes, being persecuted, and generally having a very bad time.

It’s times like this that self care becomes important.  And while you may not be in my industry, I think that the lessons still transfer.  We all encounter stress in our lives and our jobs.  And that stress can be very damaging if we don’t recognise it and give ourselves the time and space to recover from it.

I know that many of my clients come to see me for exactly that reason.  You don’t need to visit a sex worker though – it can be as easy as getting out in the sunshine – which is what I did today, taking my camera with me.  So here are a couple of photos of me from sunny Darlinghurst in Sydney for you.