Moving on, moving forward

Some years ago I wrote this post: The Chance to Say Goodbye. It talked about my experience as a sex worker meeting my clients and in time them moving on. I also wrote this post: Is it ok to See a Sex Worker Indefinitely discussing the merits and considerations of seeing a sex worker long term.

I’ve been thinking about these two posts recently as a number of my long-term clients have recently moved on.

As per the first article, it’s a bittersweet moment for me to hear that. Bitter because I don’t get to see someone I have gotten to know, sometimes over years and who’s company I enjoy. Sweet because I am happy that their life is now more complete than it was when they first came to me and they no longer need what I provided to them.

“My life is full and I am content. A lot of that is due to you and the confidence you imbued in me over the last 18 months.”

It is gratifying that my service can give someone confidence in themselves and help them to arrive at a better place than they were before they came to see me.

But then there are the women I see every month, year on year who have found the place that they want or need to be, with me. An uncomplicated connection, physical fulfilment, that is safe and secure, and an intimate experience that is dedicated solely to their pleasure.

In this (sort of) post covid era many people have been reassessing their lives, trying to find a new balance that makes them happy. And that has included deciding to see a sex worker where they might not have in the past, or alternatively, not seeing a sex worker that they might have seen regularly.

While this has at times meant handling cancellations, I want to say that if you are a client to a sex worker – it is always ok for you to change your mind. The last three years have brought a lot of change to all of our lives and we have to be ready to respect and support the people around us and their choices.

John

Menopause and sex

A lot of women who come to see me are beginning or are well into menopause. This can be an added challenge for women who haven’t have much – or any – sex in a long time. The comment “I feel like I’m a virgin again” and similar words are very common and not a bad analogy really, because there are certainly some similarities.

The main one is probably uncertainty about having sex and worry that it might be painful or at least uncomfortable. The main issue though for post menopausal women is generally less natural lubrication. Thankfully that is easily remedied. I personally like and use Sylk personal lubricant, it lasts well, doesn’t become sticky, and with the addition of some water can become slippery again.

If you want next level “slipperiness” though silicon based lube may be right for you. Silicon lubes wont dry out like water based lubricants, they don’t become sticky, and they are unlikely to cause any upset to vaginal flora (and risk causing thrush as some water based lubes can).

The thing to remember with any lube though is that you should use plenty of it and top it up regularly. It is a hassle to do and can break the rhythm of sex, but it’s better than running out and ending up sore. Condoms also really suck up lube too, more so than unprotected sex, so that’s another good reason to use copious lube.

Along with less lubrication, menopause may mean less skin elasticity and a greater vulnerability to small tears and abrasions during sex. Here again plenty of lube can help, along with a little awareness from a sex partner that it can be an issue.

Menopause and the hormonal changes it results from may also change a woman’s arousal response and affect how and how easily she can achieve orgasm. So if you are coming back to sex post menopause you might find perhaps that “things have changed”. In my experience this is not usually a problem and with a little practice you will be able to get back to a place where you can achieve orgasm the way you want to.

Perhaps the main thing to know though about menopause is that while your body may change it absolutely should not stop you having and enjoying sex! Of course if you do have issues then consulting a doctor is a good idea.

John

How long do you want penetrative sex to last?

I saw this video in my Youtube feed the other day and professional curiosity suggested that I should probably watch it.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=siXHIeregY8

The women interviewed, on average declared that they would like penetrative sex to last for about half an hour – feel free to drop a comment below and let me know how long you would like sex to last. I’m curious to know where my readers stand on this question.

Now, compare that to the mean duration of PIV sex reported by couples (https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/how-long-does-sex-last#considerations)

If the numbers are to be trusted, then it’s little surprise that so many women are disappointed with the sex that they are having.

So what is the solution?  As always I think that it comes back to good communication.  Something that is very hard to do around a subject as emotional and sensitive as sex is for most people.

It’s not easy for many of us to ask for what you want – and it can be very difficult for partners to hear those requests and not feel an implicit criticism.  There is no easy answer here because as a society we still treat sex as a taboo subject.  But at least we know where we need to start.

John

Dilators and dicks – a story of accommodation

We tend to think of painful penetrative sex as being a problem for women who are having sex for the first time. And that is true for most women their first times, but it’s not the whole story. There is something of an assumption that once a woman gets past that initial hurdle that – unless the guy has a huge dick – that it’s all going to be plain sailing.

The reality is that for many women, used to partners with modest sized penises, having sex with a man who is only somewhat larger can be challenging and even quite painful. There’s also women who suffer from the side effects of surgery and from physical and emotional trauma. All of these things can lead to painful sex or not being able to experience penetration at all.

The point is that whether a woman is new to sex, or has been having sex comfortably for years, she can still find accommodating a larger penis difficult.

So what’s the solution?

Well one solution is gentle stretching with dilators. Doctors and physiotherapists will often recommend the use of vaginal dilators to help stretch the muscles of the vagina and “teach” them how to relax. It’s a lot like stretching any muscle of your body – it takes time and practice. No-one expects you to be able to touch your toes comfortably – or at all – without practice, if you can’t touch your toes.

Having sex with a partner with a larger-larger-then-usual penis is much the same – only with added complexity and emotional challenges. Dilators, which usually come in a set of five or six in graduated sizes, are a useful tool to help women reach a point where they can have the sex that they want without pain.

I recently met a young woman who came to me to have sex for the first time. We weren’t able to have sex in the end because she needed more slow stretching of her vagina than the time we had together allowed. She did make a lot of progress though during our booking, demonstrating that it was possible for her to experience penetration without pain. I recommended that she buy a set of dilators to practice with – I would normally have had a set on hand, but I hadn’t replaced the last set that I had given to another client.

I have remedied that now and will in the future always have a set on hand.

Not long after that a regular client booked a threesome with another male sex worker and me. She has plenty of experience with sex, but not with anyone with a larger penis than me. She discovered that he -being a little larger than I am – was actually too big for her to comfortably have the sex she wanted with him. To that end I recommended that she try practicing with a dilator.

There was the small problem though that dilators are generally aimed at women with more extreme troubles like vaginismus that require starting with a very slim dilator and working up. So they tend to only go up to around 3.5cms in diameter which is probably as big as the average man’s penis, but definitely isn’t big enough for a woman wanting to graduate to a larger guy.

Her solution was to find a nice silicon dildo that was about 4.5cms diameter, which represented a modest increase in size over me and was closer in size to the other escort.

Now I’m not going to try to explain the best practice use for vaginal dilators as I’m not a doctor or physiotherapist and you should definitely talk to your doctor if you feel you need to use dilators for painful sex, but I will outline the basics that medical professionals publicly recommend:

Use personal lubricant! It will make things a lot easier – and remember, don’t use silicon lube with silicon dilators – only water based lube
Once you can insert a particular sized dilator, leave it in for approximately 15 minutes each time you practice – this gives your body time to adjust and learn to relax
Only practice every second day – this allows your body to heal from any abrasion or other strain that you might experience as you increase the size of dilator you are using

Probably the most important thing though is to take your time and persist. It’s not a process that can or should be hurried. Persist and you will reach your goal!

John

Consent training and education – we are taking a step forward

As a male sex worker for women, consent – giving it, getting it, and ensuring that it is still there – is something that I have to do with every client, especially when I don’t know them well, or with women with disabilities who may not be able to communicate effectively.

I also go out of my way with women who have little or no experience – or sometimes bad experiences – with sex and consent to try to help them learn how to ask for what they want and reassure them that they are allowed to say no, to withdraw consent for things that they may not want.

I believe that I do this well and provide a service that is safe and respectful.

That this is even worthy of note indicates just how big a problem “consent”, its practice, and our understanding of it is in this country.

So I am delighted to see (via this articlehttps://www.abc.net.au/news/2022-08-29/consent-education-mandatory-australia/101375564) that the teaching of consent is to be federally mandated in all schools in Australia.

This is exactly how we make our society a better place. We teach our children in school and it creates generational change. Over time the young people who have learned what consent means, how to ask for it, and how to give it become the majority and “the old ways” die a natural death.

Some people fear this sort of education by the state and will claim that it’s the job of parents to teach these sorts of values. To that I say “You can’t teach what you don’t know”. Which doesn’t mean that all parents don’t necessarily understand consent – just that knowing something that you probably learned more by watching what other people did than actually being shown isn’t a great basis for teaching that thing effectively.

We very obviously have issues with consent in our society – I literally hear it from women regularly – and I for one am very happy that we are taking real steps toward addressing it.

It won’t be an easy road though. As mentioned in the linked article teachers involved in this kind of education need to be taught themselves about how to provide it, how to be sensitive to the impacts that what they are teaching may have on students who have suffered abuse for instance.

It’s a complicated problem that requires sophisticated thinking and solutions. It won’t be resolved over night, but every year that students receive this training we will be making a better society and giving kids the chance to live better, healthier, safer lives.

John

A male contraceptive pill – part two

Well the results are in and no it wasn’t just me. Several women have let me know in no uncertain terms that they would not trust a man to take responsibility for contraception by taking a male contraceptive pill – none have said that they would.

I thought this would be the case, but it’s good to get confirmation. One woman even related her story of a male partner attempting to sabotage her contraceptive pills, so the fear is definitely justified.

While more contraceptive options can only be a good thing I still don’t see the mass market success that the manufacturers are probably hoping for.

This also highlights the importance of our society investing in education around sex, sexuality, relationships, and most of all – respect. If we spent half as much money on educating children about these things as we do on pure science research (as important as that is) then we would be a much healthier society – and perhaps a male contraceptive pill might be more palatable to women…

John

A male birth control pill. What could possible go wrong? (or am I just too cynical?)

I saw an article today about the impending human clinical trials of a “male contraceptive pill” (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2021/03/210303161645.htm). Apparently trials of the compound triptonide in mice have been successful and show that it interferes with assembly of sperm rendering them unable to swim.

Triptonide is non-hormonal (use of hormones being one of the big causes of side effects of the pill for women), has no apparent side effects, and is reversible.

It takes up to six weeks to become effective and about the same time for fertility to return when treatment stops.

That’s all great. Having more contraceptive choices and solutions is a good thing.

But we have finally reached the moment that has been long discussed – can men be trusted to use a form of contraceptive that requires regular effort when they don’t directly carry the cost of not doing so?

I had a vasectomy when I decided that I didn’t want to have children. It was a simple procedure and because it is 100% effective, women can trust it as a form of contraception. I have always been sceptical though of a “male pill” and I expect that many women would be too.

So it begs the question of what exactly is a male contraceptive pill good for?

It may be glib to say this, but it does put an end to the “men’s rights activists” (MRAs) wailing about how women trap men by deliberately getting pregnant. Well boys, now you don’t have to worry about being “tricked”, just pop this pill every day and your “freedom” is ensured. Somehow I doubt that’s going to stop their howling.

Anyway, the fact that this was the first thing that came to mind for me is, I think, telling. So where else might it be useful? The obvious application is in relationships where a woman experiences side effects from female contraceptives – which is quite common.

But that brings us back to trust again.

If the relationship is committed and long term then perhaps this might be acceptable for the woman. But to my mind, putting your fertility in the hands of another person when they don’t have to live with the consequences – even in a committed relationship – is a very big ask. I’m sure that many people could and would do it, but would a large percentage of the population? I have my doubts.

Which means that unlike other contraceptives, the market for this product may end up being very, very small (and I don’t expect that MRAs would actually use it, since contraception isn’t the point, they just enjoy being whiney and having something to blame women for).

However, I’m always in favour of knowledge for the sake of knowledge and who knows how this technology may one day be put to use and who it might benefit.

I’m interested to know what women think about this idea though, so please feel free to drop a comment below.

John

We’re back baby!

So NSW is back in business and the easing of covid restrictions means that sex workers like me are allowed to work again.

It feels good to be back!

In the interest of everyone staying healthy and safe, these are the rules for seeing me:

  1. Get vaccinated! I am fully vaccinated (since June 4th) and will be getting a booster when I am entitled in early December. I won’t be seeing anyone who isn’t vaccinated – unless they have a health restriction that prevents them for receiving the vaccine. I’m sorry if this is a problem, but I have to put my health and everyone else who I see first
  2. When I’m out in public I will wear a mask (except in a restaurant where that’s not practical)
  3. I will continue to get tested for covid regularly. I encourage anyone who is coming to see me to do the same. If you are immunocompromised or vulnerable in some other way, please let me know and I can provide a recent negative covid test result before we meet
  4. If you are visiting me, please wear a mask in my building. It’s a rule of the building and everyone has to follow it

And that’s it. I hope that we can all work together to protect everyone’s health.

John

Feminism and sex

I seem to be saying this a lot recently – it’s a symptom of being in lockdown and having limited external input these days – but I read something online that I felt the need to comment on.

Can I be submissive in the bedroom and still be a feminist?
If I exert control during sex, I don’t enjoy it. I prefer to lie back – but how do I square this with my beliefs?

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/aug/19/can-i-be-submissive-in-the-bedroom-and-still-be-a-feminist

When I read the headline and then the article it made no sense to me.

“Can you be a woman and a feminist and still enjoy being submissive during sex (with a man)”

The short answer is “Yes”.

The longer answer is “Yes of course you can. What turns you on has literally nothing to do with politics and social justice. Your personal sexual arousal is yours and yours alone”.

The real answer is “Why is this even a question?”.

I have over my years as a sex worker spent a lot of time listening to mostly women talking about feminism and what it means to them.  Here’s what I have taken away from all of that:

Feminism is about fighting for equality for all people.  It is not about “female dominance”.

Female dominance would be some kind of “matriarchy” – the opposite of the “patriarchy” that feminism fights.  It is perhaps telling that so many people see others fighting for equality and assume (perhaps in bad faith) that what those people really want is dominance rather than equality.

So this is why the question seems to me to be a total non-sequitur.  Nothing in feminism (the fight for gender equality) says that a woman, man, or any other gender identity can’t engage in what they enjoy in bed.  The only way you could come to that conclusion is through a terribly misguided reading of feminism.

How can fighting to live in a society where no-one is treated differently because of their gender lead you to think that you can’t engage in a power exchange with your partner in your personal sex life?  The two have literally nothing to do with each other – except if one person is deciding what is appropriate and what is not based on some assumption about gender roles in sexual relationships.

The irony here is that many powerful people regularly seek balance in their lives by expressing a submissive side of their personality through BSDM and other means.

We need to be more sophisticated in how we think about feminism and what it means to us and our personal relationships.  With questions like this we are allowing ourselves to be drawn down to the level of the people who oppose equality – be it based on gender, race, ethnicity etc. 

The people who oppose equality want to appear as the victim so that they have clear lines to object along – it’s literally impossible to call equality unfair, so they have to recast the demand for equality into a desire to oppress – the very thing that they themselves do to others.

So yes – you can be submissive, or dominant, or a switch, or none of the above in bed regardless of any other beliefs you may hold. It’s sex. Please just enjoy it.

John.

Getting enough sex

The Guardian runs a regular column called “Sexual Healing” and while I rarely find anything more than safe platitudes in the columnist’s replies to readers’ problems, I do think that the topics are often important and deserve a better response than “Partners have to teach each other how they like to be pleasured”. I think we worked that out back in the sixties, possibly the seventies… We know that and it has precisely nothing to do with the woman in question’s dilemma.

In this particular article the reader raises a very difficult topic

I left my husband because the sex was boring and nonexistent. I’ve since met another guy and while our sex life was great for a while, when we moved in together it all but disappeared.

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/jul/14/i-left-my-husband-because-the-sex-was-boring-now-im-having-the-same-problem-with-my-new-partner

This is a problem that I as a straight male escort for women I hear all the time – and I know that female sex workers hear it from male clients too.

This is a universal problem for human beings – mismatched libidos.

So lets start with some fundamentals:

  • You may naturally have a low libido, or a high libido – neither is “right” or “wrong”
  • Your libido will change during your life. It is effected by hormones, stress, sleep, work schedule, age, and more
  • Attraction between people changes over time and with that the sexual relationship almost certainly will change as well

Here’s the most important one:

  • Societal norms including marriage, monogamy, the “nuclear family”, education, and career are almost always prioritised over our sexuality and as a result we rarely have happy, fulfilling sex lives

So that’s the groundwork laid. So lets go back to the reader’s problem:

  • She has a high libido
  • Her husband wasn’t interested
  • She left her husband to get the sex that she wanted
  • She found a guy and was having great sex with him
  • She moved in with him and the sex died
  • She found out that he looks at porn
  • She is back to square one in an almost sexless relationship

I’m pretty sure that you can see that the columnist saying “Partners have to teach each other how they like to be pleasured…” does nothing to untangle this woman’s mess. They were having good sex, so I’m pretty sure that they both knew what each other wanted.

So here’s how I would reply to her:

It appears from your description that you aren’t hungry for variety and novelty in your sex life (as some people are), but that you would happily have lots of sex with one partner.

The problem isn’t your partner’s libido – at least it’s not fair to blame that – the problem is monogamy and the expectation that one person can give you all of the sex that you need (and to be clear this applies equally if the genders are reversed).

Many people automatically assume that sex means relationship means marriage means happily ever after. It’s a lie. A lie that makes most of us more or less unhappy in our long term relationships (just look at divorce rates if you reflexively disagree with that statement).

The hard reality is that long term relationships almost always change the way that we see our partner (and ourselves), how we feel about them, and the way in which we are attracted to them. The changes may be positive or negative or something else altogether. But we will change – and that includes how we feel about our partner and ourselves sexually. So expecting the fire and intensity and frequency of “new relationship sex” to endure beyond the “new relationship” is not reasonable and may well wreck the good things that do endure or grow with a partner.

One of the primary reasons for married women coming to see me is that they are generally happy in their relationship with their partner, but they just can’t get the sex that they want. So rather than blowing up their lives (and their partner and often children’s lives) “just” for sex, they find a different way to fill that need. For some women that means coming to see me – but that’s not what I’m advocating for here, it’s just one solution among several.

I’m advocating for changing the way you look at sex and long term relationships. Requiring a long term partner in a monogamous relationship to fill all of your sexual needs is usually going to end up with you wanting more than they can give – based on what you have said. The only difference between one partner and another will be by how much you feel you are missing out on.

Then that frustration spill over and poisons the rest of the relationship and… well you have lived the experience of where that leads.

The solution is: accept that if you want to be in a long term committed relationship that, because you have a high libido, you won’t get all of the sex you need from that one person so you are going to have to work out an arrangement with them that lets you get it with someone (or more) outside the relationship.

Of course this means that you have to extend your partner the same privilege. In that lies the opportunity to perhaps do it together – which might be its own kind of fun. I have known a number of clients who went down this path, initially seeing me to fill a personal need for sex, but eventually negotiating with a partner to explore their sexuality together with other people. Other clients have negotiated with their partners to play separately. Some simply choose to see me every month or two.

The point is that if you have a high libido you need to look for solutions beyond expecting one person to give you everything that you need sexually to be happy. It’s not easy. It’s not convenient. And it will require significant effort to make it work – and you won’t be able to make it work with some partners. But if you can then you might just discover an entirely new life that is rewarding in more ways than just giving you the sex that you need.

John.