Category Archives: Health

Oh Joy and John Oh on vaginismus

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My favourite sex blog Oh Joy Sex Toy has a fabulous article today about vaginismus. What is it you ask? Sounds painful right? Well yes. It can be. But I won’t go into detail. Read the post for an excellent description of this entirely fixable problem of painful vaginal penetration:

http://www.ohjoysextoy.com/vaginismus/

What I wanted to say on the subject is that it is one close to my heart. Over the years of me working as a male escort I have been contacted by a number of women who had diagnosis of vaginismus or issues with painful penetration and were looking for a safe, professional way to treat their condition. Some had spent time working with a therapist, doctor, or physio prior to contacting me, others had not.

The Oh Joy article has it right though, vaginismus is usually a mental condition with a physical symptom. So the first thing to do is talk. Try to understand its origin. After that, progressive gentle stretching exercises that allow you to retrain the automatic muscle spasm that is vaginismus are the key. This can be done using medical dilators that get progressively larger, or something as simple as a partner’s finger (and eventually fingers).

Some women would rather have the assistance of another person (such as myself) to work through the physical stretching exercise. I usually recommend that we arrange a number of short (one to one and a half hour) sessions to work slowly and allow you to relax progressively to the point where full penetration is possible.

For some women just one session can be enough. For others it may take several. But the important thing is that no matter how bad your vaginismus is it can be fixed! See your gynecologist and they can start you on the right path. If you would like the help of a professional with the actual exercises and to allow you to even try sex when you are ready with the safety of someone that understands your situation and the need for care and patience, then please feel free to contact me.

John.

Sleeping naked

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One of my favourite moments in the day is taking off my clothes and slipping into bed. I have slept naked since my teens. I hated the feeling of being tied up in pajamas, and even the constriction of briefs, was never comfortable for me. And that was long before I had the pleasure of sharing my bed with a woman.

It’s nice now to read an article like this one:

http://www.msn.com/en-au/health/medical/heres-why-you-should-be-sleeping-naked/ar-AAeECX7?li=AAabC8j

[This article has since been removed by MSN – but there are plenty of newer articles online that discuss the health benefits of sleeping naked]

and learn that there are quantifiable physical and mental health benefits.

That’s all great. But it points to the larger issue that our society chooses to ignore – that is, our health and well being is dependent upon many things, like good sleep, eating well, exercising, lowering stress – and yes, having physical intimacy with another person.

If I go back through my blog I am sure that I have written about this issue more than once already, but it’s worth doing it again I think.

Western culture has us focusing on goals like career, wealth, marriage, and possessions, tangible things that are easy to quantify and hard to deny. But my experience is that the things that make me and many other people happy are far less tangible. Caring, willing physical contact from another person is one of those things. We are taught not to value it, to even treat it as dirty or wrong. But the truth is that it’s both natural and at the end of the day necessary for our health.

Sadly it is often the first thing that gets pushed aside when external pressures like work and family begin to pile up. And it’s understandable that we may not feel like sex when we go to bed. Sex takes energy (physical and emotional), but sleeping naked, kissing your partner, cuddling them, holding them close skin to skin in bed does not. It’s worth remembering and (pardon the pun) embracing.

John.

Shaving soap

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Anyone who knows me, knows that I don’t have much in the way of whiskers, in fact I couldn’t grow a beard to save myself.  However, what I do have still needs regular shaving, and along with few whiskers I also have quite soft and sensitive skin.

As a result, shaving (with anything other than the sharpest razor) is likely to result in not the closest shave, and plenty of razor burn.  My face is smarting a little just at the thought.

Commercial shaving foams are an effective solution, preventing the burn and giving a closer shave, but I have never really liked the idea of buying pressure packed foam just to shave a bit of stubble.  It seems wasteful, and I have no idea what they put in the stuff.

However my soap making friend Chelsea (of Cherry Blossom Soap Company), recently gave me a sample of her new hand made shaving soap.  I was skeptical, but decided to give it a go.

The results: I am really quite surprised and delighted with this soap.  It gives a soft, slippery lather that allows the razor to really glide over the skin.  I get a very close shave, and almost no razor burn.  In a word, I am impressed well beyond my expectations.

And I am sure that it would be just as good for shaving legs and bikini-lines as it is for my chin!

You can buy Chelsea’s shaving bar here:

http://cherryblossomsoap.com.au/2015/06/shaving-soap/

It gets my stamp of approval.

Breast reduction

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Everyone loves boobs. I most certainly do. Big, small, it doesn’t matter. They are a panacea – they make me feel happy when I am sad, let me forget my pain when touched, and arouse passion in the heat of the moment. They truly are fabulous.

For many women though, they are a – literal – burden. Any woman with really big boobs will know the problems – back ache, the discomfort of wearing a bra, the pain of sport. The pain of trying to have a conversation without your boobs being stared at.

So. Many women opt for reduction surgery. It is something that I see a surprising amount of in my work. There are a lot of women in this country who are opting for it. The Sydney Morning Herald recently ran an article by Jo Hartley about it here…

http://www.dailylife.com.au/life-and-love/real-life/why-i-had-a-breast-reduction-20150817-gj0unv.html

It is her personal story of the experience of growing up to have a 34F bust, how that effected her life, and how transforming it was to have reduction surgery that reduced her bust to a more manageable 34D.

I expect that most women would be nervous, even fearful of having surgery on such a sensitive part of their body. It’s understandable. Not just the fear of the surgery itself and the risk of something going wrong, but of the results. Will they still look ok? Will they still be sensitive? All reasonable questions, and if you are considering this surgery, well worth talking to your doctor about before going ahead.

For my part, I can say that I have seen the results of many reduction surgeries and the vast majority are really very good. Some so good that I didn’t even notice until it was pointed out to me.

There are risks of course with any kind of surgery, but if your breasts are making your life difficult and painful, then I think that it is well worth considering.

John.

We need to talk about Ashley

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In amongst the outrage, fear, and moral grandstanding over the Ashley Madison user database leak I came across this article:

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/life/ashley-madison-hack-what-if-you-find-out-your-colleagues-on-the-list-20150820-gj3i4y.html

It is about the most sensible and humane piece of journalism that I have ever read. In answer to the question: “should I look up the database to see if X is on it” the author just say “no, leave it alone”. There is wisdom here.

Women come to me for many reasons, some, because they cannot get the sexual satisfaction that they desire in their lives from their partners. Some do it with the partners knowledge and permission. Some do not.

But “cheating” isn’t the problem here. “Cheating”, with all of its derogatory overtones is what happens when we live in a society that is dysfunctional in how it handles sex and relationships. Why do people “cheat”? Some because they can. Some because they feel that they have no other option.

What we need to do as a society is collectively “grow up”. In an ideal world, there would be no need for a service like mine. But the truth is that there is no genuine attempt to teach children, teenagers, and young adults how to develop and maintain functional relationships, let alone give people space and acceptance as they work out what their sexuality is and what they need in their lives. We can’t even allow – in this country – that two people of the same sex can have a genuine functional relationship.

We are trapped in a social narrative that starts with fairy tales and “ends” with white weddings. Then we have to live the rest of our lives trying to live up to this impossibly high standard of happiness and reliance on one other person. In short, it’s impossible for most people. Just look at divorce rates. And just because people are still married doesn’t mean that they are happy and fulfilled, or wouldn’t like something more or different.

Which brings us full circle to Ashley Madison. It’s time that we left our moral outrage at the door. Recognised that people and relationships are complex, that judging others by our own morality is wrong and destructive, and that we need a new order in our lives that prioritises real human needs and wants, rather than religious dogma and social etiquette that is demonstratively harmful.

Recognising same sex marriage would be a good start, but a rethink of even the concept of marriage would be even better.

John.

Orgasm obligation

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Women having orgasms is a matter that is close to my heart. If you have spent any time reading over this site, then you will have noticed that it’s something that I talk about a lot. Even guarantee. So I was a little taken aback when I saw this article:

http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/citykat/why-men-need-to-relieve-themselves-of-orgasm-obligation-20150806-git2ng.html

Katherine Feeney (the author) talks about how she finds that men, these days, are obsessed with giving their partner’s an orgasm every time they have sex. Ok, male outrage and confusion is very likely in response to words like this. For years men have been criticized for not caring (and plenty of us still don’t) about our partner’s needs, for not knowing where the clitoris is etc, etc… But I do take the author’s point. It’s not a competition, it’s not a race, it doesn’t need to be a goal for every time you have sex.

She is right to say that orgasm should be something that just happens (or doesn’t) as part of sex between partners. And no-one should be feeling obliged. What that implies though is a level of emotional maturity and confidence – and sophistication! – that is somewhat lacking in many of us. It’s a complex topic that intersects with too many other social and relationship issues to be able to untangle here, or in a newspaper article.

On reading though it reminded me of something that I have observed over the years that I have been lucky enough to have partners and to work as I do. That is: some women can reach orgasm as easily as men, even through penetration (without manual clitoral stimulation). I don’t think that this is something that is inherent though – I think that it is learned.

This being the case, it puts a very different light on the conversation above. It becomes much less about social pressure and stigma and more about education and giving girls and young women the opportunity to learn about their bodies when they are ready.

Just as men can learn bad habits as teenagers (like premature ejaculation), I believe – given the stories I have heard over the years – that women can learn to reach orgasm easily and reliably if they (as teenagers and young adults) have an environment that is emotionally and physically conducive to them learning to do so. That means they have the opportunity to masturbate without fear of interruption or censure, to experience relationships and sex with other people, and preferably enough education to understand their bodies and their minds.

The next question then is: can older women learn to reach orgasm reliably and easily? My answer is that I don’t know conclusively, but I think that the answer is yes. The human brain is an amazing thing and capable of great plasticity. My experience with orgasmic meditation has shown that anyone woman can learn to have much greater sensitivity and receptiveness to genital stimulation. I believe that given enough time and effort, with the right person that it is quite possible for older women to learn to be just as orgasmic.

So, if a woman is able to climax freely (basically at her own will), then the whole question of “orgasm obligation” basically just goes away. Now that sounds like a worth goal to me.

John.

Sex – what matters?

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From:

http://www.theguardian.com/artanddesign/2015/jul/29/britain-shares-sexual-fantasies-neil-bartlett

by Neil Bartlett

“Far from being something best left to priests, pornographers or politicians, sex is something people want to think about for themselves.”

Every week I meet someone new who embodies the statement above. Sometimes more than one person. Usually it is women who after years, often decades of their adult lives have thrown off the constriction of sex being “owned” by priests, pornographers, and politicians (and a disapproving “public”). They come to me for many reasons, but mostly because I let them think about sex for themselves. Let them participate in sex any way they want, without judgment. This is no small thing, because sex and more correctly our sexuality is not something that we can push down and repress without consequence to ourselves and those around us.

So I like Bartlett’s statement above. It is an accurate summary of how I and most of my clients think and feel.

“My own advice to my younger self, now that so many strangers have told me what they are really up to, would be simple: when we have sex, we’re not looking for plumbing – but for meaning.”

This is of course Bartlett’s own personal message to himself. But it is also the closing statement of the article and I think that it misses the point that he made directly before it (which I quoted first). Sex is about what you want and need it to be for you, right now. Sometimes that may be a search for meaning for someone (although I don’t think many people come to me for that). Usually it’s about plain simple pleasure, or personal growth, empowerment, healing, even survival.

So I don’t think that Bartlett is fair to characterise sex as being only about “plumbing”, or “meaning”. That sells it so very short. We want to think about sex for ourselves. Discover what it means for ourselves. Not be told by an artist, or anyone else what it’s about. We want to do it, we want to enjoy it, Sometimes we want to film it. Sometimes we want to share it. Sometimes we want to watch it. The list is almost endless.

However, more often than not we find that the world is set against us in some way when we think “gee I would really love to…”. Social convention, marriage, laws, friends, family all say “no” tacitly, or explicitly. So the thoughts stay in our heads most often. And there they breed conflict within ourselves as we weigh them against the values that the rest of the world – the priests, the pornographers, and the politicians – say we should have. We wonder who we really are and we doubt ourselves, instead of experiencing, rejecting, accepting, and ultimately learning.

I am glad that Neil Bartlett learned something from his exhibition and the feedback that he received. But lets not allow his personal insights to narrow the discussion once again. Lets keep it completely open. Especially for young people, who’s sexuality will ultimately be shaped by the society that we create, and they live in.

John.

Being who you are can be very hard

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I saw an article today in the local paper that caused me to want to write something. You can see the article here:

http://www.smh.com.au/federal-politics/political-news/how-one-man-thinks-he-can-change-the-samesex-marriage-debate-in-10-minutes-20150721-gigw8w.html

In summary, the gentleman who is the subject of the article is gay. He grew up in a small town, with (one can imagine) little or no support, and the horrible prospect of homophobic reprisals against him if he came out to friends and family. He survived though, and ultimately his story is helping others and even influencing politicians.

What resonated with me though in this article is the fear and pain that Lachlan felt because he was different. Different to his friends and family. Different to the social stereotypes that society and the media propagate. Different to what he thought he should be.

This last item is perhaps the most insidious. It’s one thing to defend yourself when you have confidence in who and what you are. It’s another thing entirely when you can’t even trust yourself. So this is my topic for this post: understanding and trusting ourselves.

As you know I work as a male escort for women. I came to this work for a number of reasons, but perhaps the key reason is that I love sex and (if I may say so), I am good at it. I like having lots of sex. And I like having sex with more than one person. As a male escort this benefits everyone. As a person in a “regular” job and a monogamous relationship (which was me for most of my adult life) it left me feeling a little like Lachlan. I didn’t fit in to that society. I didn’t fit in to that world. I was ashamed that I loved sex, because society told me that really loving sex wasn’t ok, oh and it probably meant that I was a pervert too.

The truth though was and is for me, for other men, and also for women that many, many of us love sex. We love it a lot. We want to have it. We are sick of being told that we can’t, or it’s not right, or it’s not normal, or it’s bad. These things are untrue. They are figments of the imagination of a demented society that tries to deform people’s minds and sexualities, be they gay, straight, lesbian, bi, queer, asexual etc.

You do not need to doubt yourself. You do not need to be ashamed that you like sex and want to have it – no matter how vanilla or chandelier swinging kinky. It is one of the great pleasures of my work to see a woman who comes to me knowing what she wants, but barely able to ask for it, blossom into a person who knows and trusts her body and her sexuality. One of my clients has gone on to become an award winning maker of feminist porn. Others have found relationships that fulfill their sexual needs. Some have overcome their personal fears and inhibitions to be able to enjoy sex in a way that they couldn’t in the past.

I don’t claim credit for these transformations. I am simply part of the journey that these women took to being able to own their sexuality, no matter what it’s form.  This is something that we should all be able to do and should be supported in doing.

John.

 

Be fit, be healthy, have good sex

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Our lives are far too busy. I for one find myself beset by the devil of lack of routine. From week to week I can never know what I will be doing day or night, as a consequence I try to walk each day, at least. It makes getting regular exercise hard and while I am quite happy with my body, I know that I would benefit from being fitter and stronger. So it’s time for a change!

Earlier in the year I was swimming regularly in preparation for the Sydney Skinny, which was great. It gave me good aerobic fitness, increased my energy levels and built muscle. But winter isn’t conducive to swimming (even when it’s indoor in a heated pool). I used to be a capable runner, but recent back trouble means that the impact of running may be destructive for me.

So, so for aerobic exercise, it’s back to the bike for me. Pushbike that is. I have loved cycling since I was in high school and used to regularly ride hundreds of kilometers each week. I found that it makes swimming and running easier as well which was an added bonus. Unfortunately, just before Christmas my good road bike was stolen, so I am currently without a bike, which is very frustrating on a day that is glorious and sunny and just begging for a few laps on the road around Olympic Park!

I am currently saving up for a new bike and am hoping to buy one in time for spring.

Unfortunately life always seems to be pushing us away from doing the things that are best for us, like getting enough sleep, getting proper exercise, eating well. When I look at the things that I have valued and enjoyed most in my life, it has never been the long hours at work (prior to being a male escort!) that have made me happy. It’s been spending time with friends, family, and partners. It’s been good food and drink. It’s been time and space for doing creative things. And of course time and energy for good sex.

John.

All about sex – a writing project

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In my recent post about sex education I suggested that it was time for me to write something on the topic.

In the last few weeks I have started on this project and am delighted to say that it is progressing well.  My intention is to publish parts of the book here as they are completed, or at least knocked into a reasonable shape.  I expect that it will be an ongoing project that evolves over time as I get feedback and more experience with the process and subject.

So.  Stay tuned.

John.