Category Archives: Ethics

Do men even like women?

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A friend of mine has a daughter in her early twenties. She recently asked her mother what I think is a profound question:

“Do young men even like women?”

Given her and many other women’s experiences trying to meet guys through dating apps it is, I think, an entirely fair question. And I don’t think that it is restricted to just young men. The age group doesn’t seem to matter, there is just very little effort being made by single men these days.

Women on the other hand do make effort. A lot of effort. 

Just the fact that I have been a male sex worker for women for over sixteen years now demonstrates how much effort women are prepared to go to and how much risk they are prepared to take to be able to have a fun, safe sexual experience.

Yet men won’t or can’t even meet women half way. I meet a lot of really lovely women, most of whom are either looking for a relationship, or at least are looking for a connection and intimacy. The men they meet say that they are looking for some or all of those things, but then put zero effort into making them happen.

Spending most of a date one their phone rather than talking to the woman they are supposedly very interested in – has to be the worst example I’ve heard of. Now I grew up well before smartphones were a thing, so I don’t have the handicap of having my brain programmed to crave the dopamine hit of endless scrolling. But do you know what else gives you a dopamine hit? SEX does! Also having stimulating conversation with someone you’d like to have sex with.

Now I know I’m preaching to the choir here, but surely the undivided attention of a woman you are attracted to should be able to cut through the need to scroll Facebook? Surely?

I don’t get what I’m missing. Perhaps I’m just not “programmed” enough?

Regardless, these men are the architects of their own failure.

John

A sexual revolution in 600 pages – The Hite Report

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I was recently sent this link to an article in The Conversation:

https://theconversation.com/orgasms-are-a-marvellous-happiness-shere-hite-gave-voice-to-female-sexuality-in-a-landmark-book-but-the-backlash-was-fierce-246150

It talks about Shere Hite and the book that she wrote in 1976 about women’s sexuality:

It did something nobody had considered worth doing: investigating women’s sexuality by asking them to share their thoughts and feelings, then relaying those reflections to readers in women’s own words.

It’s hard to imagine the importance of women’s orgasm being so misunderstood in this day and age. It’s also hard to imagine that it is only fifty years ago that Hite’s work was considered controversial. We have come a long, long way just in the span of my life.

And it also has be recognised that we live in a time where gains that we have made in that time are starting to be unwound – something that I never expected to happen, ever!

I think that now is an excellent time for us all to consider finding a copy of The Hite Report to read and reflect of how far we have come and how much we have to lose. Even here in Australia.

For instance the Queensland government has blocked trans people under 18 from “accessing puberty blockers and cross sex hormones” (https://equalityaustralia.org.au/qlds-hormone-ban-for-trans-youth-slammed-by-medical-experts-and-human-rights-groups/). Which is a backhanded way of denying young people the ability to control their lives and their bodies. Not because there is a demonstrated risk or harm:

“Only last year a review in Queensland found that practices in the state’s gender clinics were safe and evidence based, recommending increased funding and capacity to reach regional areas.  

“Governments should stay out of these deeply personal decisions and leave it to young people, their parents and the expert doctors treating them.”

We live in dangerous times where populism and political expediency are being set above people’s well being and healthcare. We must recognise that and respect the risk we face.

John

When you have a bad first experience with a male sex worker

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The vast majority of women who come to see me are seeing a straight male sex worker for the first time. Most of those women will see me more than once. Which is great – I think that it is fair to say that when someone comes back for a second, third, fourth booking that I must be doing something right.

But not everyone has good experiences the first time that they see a male sex worker for women. I have met several women who “tried it once” and had a bad experience. From guys turning up stoned, to having poor social skills, to having poor sexual skills.

I am always disappointed when I hear about these experiences. Disappointed for the women and disappointed for the industry – because while a bad experience at a restaurant is unlikely to put you off eating out forever, having a bad experience with a sex worker may well put a woman off ever seeing a sex worker again. Which I think would be a terrible shame because for the right person, seeing the right sex worker can be a powerful, even transformative experience. 

There are a lot more male workers in the industry now than there were 15 years ago when I started. This is good in that there is more choice for women to find a man who suits them best. However there is a downside too in that too many of the men who get into the industry do so for their own gratification, not understanding – or caring – that their clients’ pleasure, and welfare must come first.

So, what to do if you have had a bad experience with a male sex worker?

The first thing is to request a refund. If you aren’t happy with a service then by law here in NSW and most of Australia you are entitled to at least a partial refund and possibly a full refund. Any serious, professional male sex worker will acknowledge and respect the fact that you weren’t happy with his service and provide a refund.

The second thing to do is know that just because it didn’t work with one guy doesn’t mean that it won’t work with another. We are a very varied group with often very different takes on sex work, what it means, and how we go about providing our service.

So the key is to take however much time you need to get a good feel for the next worker that you choose to see. If he won’t invest the time and effort to talk to you and let you get to know him, then walk away. If he is difficult to contact and doesn’t reply promptly, then walk away. If you have any kind of “bad feeling” with him, then way.

Lastly I would suggest that if you have had a bad experience previously and want to try again – then tell the new worker that you choose that you had a bad experience. He should be respectful of that and work with you to make your next experience with him better. Telling him will also let him know where you are at emotionally and allow him to connect better and be more responsive to your needs.

If you have had a bad experience and a finding it hard to find another worker, or to trust another worker, then drop me a line. I am happy to talk and take the time to build the trust that you need to be able to enjoy seeing a sex worker.

John 

Cinq à Sep

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I was recently introduced to a new term “Cinq à Sept” – specifically the French meaning (not the Quebec, Canada meaning).

From Wikipedia…

“Cinq à sept originally referred to a time for a tryst, and consequently is a metonym for a visit to one’s mistress, an extramarital affair, and the mistress involved. It derived from the time of day French people would make such a visit. It is still commonly considered as the time of day to meet one’s mistress or lover, and the term implies a sexual liaison (as opposed to the Québécois habit).”

Here in Australia Cinq à Sept has never really been a thing. We are far more likely to be voluntarily putting in overtime, going to the pub after work, or playing sport, but not ducking off for “a tryst”.

Which is a bit of a shame really. I’ve often said that as a society we don’t prioritise sex in our lives and that we are all the more poor for that. So I love the idea of a society that says “we finish work at 5.00pm because overtime would cut into sex time!”

That is something that I can get behind.

John

ShortTake – Types of sex work – seven part series

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There are three main forms of sex work regulation. This series of short videos gives you an introduction to what they are and how they work.

Episodes are released one day at a time and I will update this post each day.

Part 1 of 7:

Part 2 of 7:

Part 3 of 7

Part 4 of 7

Part 5 of 7

Part 6 of 7

Part 7 of 7

If there is a topic that you would like me to cover, please let me know!

John

ShortTakes – a series of short educational films about sex work

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Several years ago (back in 2018) I made a series of short films discussing sex work and the various legal, ethical, and practical issues surrounding it. For a number of reasons I ended up taking those films down, but I think it’s time that they received another airing.

So for the next few few months I will be publishing them on YouTube and linking them here on my blog. They will also be collated on my Sex work ShortTakes page

Hopefully you will find them interesting and informative.

I haven’t made any new films recently – so if there is a topic that I haven’t already covered that you would like to hear about please feel free to drop me a comment about it and I’ll see what I can do.

John

Being naked changes us

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Clothing is possibly one of the most significant social influences in our societies.  You can be openly gay, or atheist or religious, or socialist, or conservative in public and it’s all acceptable (in Australia at least) – protected even.  But you can’t be naked in public.

France Keyser for The New York Times

Think about that.

Intentional nudity in public is literally illegal, while espousing extreme political or religious views is not.

I will add at this point that:

“It’s not an offence to be naked in public in England and Wales but it does become an offence if it can be proved the person stripped off with the intention to upset and shock. The complainant has to prove this.”

This is more than a little surprising for a relatively conservative society, so well done them.  It’s not without it’s problems though as Stephen Gough “The Naked Rambler” has discovered.  He has walked from Lands End to John O’Groats twice – naked.  In doing so he’s been arrested and even jailed multiple time.  So it’s an imperfect law, imperfectly applied.

Anyway, all of that, I think, goes to the main point here. Nudity is a central taboo in the vast majority of our societies – even when it is literally legal.

I was recently sent a link to an article (thank you Denise):

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/27/arts/design/naturism-exhibition-naked-mucem-marseille.html?unlocked_article_code=1.dk4.Krv_.GJLLt5TAlReM&smid=url-share

about an exhibition at the Museum of the Civilizations of Europe and the Mediterranean in France dedicated to the history of social nudity.  On five nights during its run the visitors are all naked.

We could look at this as a marketing stunt, but I see something else here.

I have had the experience on several occasions in my life to be lounging around with a mixed group of people, naked. Here’s what I have observed:

Loud people become less loud.
Quiet people speak up.
Social pressures seem to evaporate.
There is much more of a sense of equality.
People seem to be more respectful of each other.

So I can absolutely see how interacting with a sociological study of nudity with a group of naked people would give a different experience – and perhaps insight into – “naturalism” and nudity in public.

Clothing lets us project an image. Clothing is a mask that we wear to make a statement – to project authority, sexuality (ironically), demonstrate status, wealth, or “piety”, and many other things. It has practical applications for protection of course but even when practicality isn’t an issue we still choose to wear clothes.

Nudity takes away much of our ability to project an image to those around us and while being naked all of the time is impractical, I do think that as a society we would benefit from the humility that I observe comes with nudity.

John

Something that I get disproportionate satisfaction from

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So I was doing some work with my truck the other day and as I was walking past the back of the tray one of my gloves caught on a protrusion and RIP! The stitches along the side just pulled straight out.

Now I usually get a good three to four months out of a pair of gloves, even when I’m spending a lot of time on my machines. This pair I only pulled out of my reserve two weeks ago! So I am seriously disappointed to have ripped on open.

Now I’m not going to talk about how everything these days is poorly made and doesn’t last. That’s old news and I just grudgingly expect it.

Instead I’m going to talk about fixing thing and how much pleasure it gives me as opposed to buying something new. 

Sorry, I can’t help myself, I am going to talk about!

In my life I have seen our economy and industry go from (mostly) trying to make things that were durable and did what they were meant to do, to making products that barely do their job and fail even before the warranty has expired. Disposable products not intended to last let alone be fixed!

I frankly find it disgusting. Why shouldn’t furnature – if it’s looked after – last literally forever? Why don’t we fix our fridges and washing machines? I still remember my mother and her sister-in-law taking an old dining room setting and restoring the chairs, replacing the upholstery on the seats. Then recovering a pair of arm chairs and a couch for the lounge.

They were all lovely pieces of furniture that despite needing new coverings every few decades can and should go on indefinitely. Yet take a drive around a suburb when it’s hard rubbish collection week and you will see piles of furnature being thrown away.

So while one pair of gloves doesn’t really mean anything in the scheme of things I will be pulling out the needle and thread to sew up the split seam so that I can continue using them until the leather finally wears through – which is the way that it should be. And that will make something deep inside of me very happy, despite it being trivial.

I get a lot of pleasure from fixing things and putting them back to work when other people simply throw them away. Another example is my chainsaw. It broke down due to a fuel issue and actually damaged the piston. The shop that services it told me it “wasn’t worth fixing”. They wanted me to buy a new $600 chainsaw. I discovered that I can buy the required replacement parts for $160 (thank you eBay) and about three hours work will see (an almost new) chainsaw put back to work probably for many years to come.

Not everyone can fix things. I’m lucky to have the tools and the skills to be able to do so. And I find the process of mending something broken rather than just buying a replacement extremely satisfying.

John

A message of solidarity and sober reflection

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Anyone who has read at all deeply on this website knows that I am a strong supporter of sex worker rights and women’s rights.

As of Wednesday 6th of November 2024 the USA is facing another four years with Donald Trump and the right-wing of USA politics in charge of the country.  And it is not going to be a good time for sex workers – or our clients.

Newsweek.com published an article on Nov 6th, 2024 with the following quote about “Project 2025”:

“Project 2025 makes it clear that they will be coming after porn under a First Amendment suit.

The introduction to the manifesto reads: “Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection.”

https://www.newsweek.com/project-2025-porn-ban-trump-presidency-1981587

While this comment from the Project 2025 manifesto only mentions “pornography” we can be sure that these people won’t differentiate between “porn stars” and any other kind of sex work. They hate it all and will suppress and prosecute it all equally when they have the power to do so.

So firstly – to all of my USA sex working peers: please stay safe.  I really hope that things don’t get as bad as they look like they could.

Secondly – this is a moment for sober reflection.  Here in Australia we have the best, most rational, and permissive sex work laws in the world.  We have them because for decades people faught for them.  And there is the justifiable belief that once we have a right it won’t be taken away.  But the USA has clearly demonstrated how that assumption is fundamentally incorrect.  

Our rights are only safe for the current election cycle – and make no mistake, there are plenty of people and politicians in Australia who would leap at the chance to criminalise sex work once again and take us back to the bad old days where police brutalised sex workers and controlled politicians who used sex work services.

All it takes is moral panic and populist politics to tear down decades of incremental gains.  Just look at the USA and their ending of Roe V wade.  If it happened there, then it can happen here too.  If you value your ability to read this blog – let alone actually make a booking to see me – then you need to support the rights of sex workers because minority rights are also your rights.

John