Category Archives: Education

One woman’s story

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I recently met a woman who had never had sex. I don’t think that I can say anything about our experience better than she can, so I’m sharing a very generous testimonial that she wrote for me after our first date together…

Getting out of my head

I had been checking out John’s website for years. About five, actually. I first stumbled across it as I went down internet rabbit holes on virginity as an older woman. I was mid-forties and feeling very, very isolated.

Mostly, my life is great. I am university-educated, at the peak of my career, I have a wonderful job, my own home in the city and a holiday home near the ocean. Sure, I have a mortgage, but I have enough disposable income to travel widely. I have many wonderful friends – people who care about me and who seem genuinely baffled by my decades of being single. I have never been in a relationship and have never had sex with another person. [I also never use the term virgin, except in those internet searches, as I believe virginity is an archaic concept, from a time when the purity of women was commoditised by men].

Somebody I’d once confided in assured me that ‘when the time comes, he’ll be a very lucky man!’. Whilst they meant well, actually that was part of the problem for me. I didn’t want a guy fetishising my age and lack of experience, or thinking I’d ‘saved myself’ for him. Even if I did meet someone, to me it would have felt excruciatingly more vulnerable to tell him that I’d never had sex, than to actually have sex. I wanted him to know, because it did matter to me; but I also needed it to be ‘no big deal’ to him.

I have been working with a psychologist to unpack how exactly I ended up in this predicament. As always – it’s complicated. One of John’s videos brought me to tears when he addressed this: it felt like he was in my head, he was describing me so accurately. [ShortTake – Virginity] Add some family dynamics, a career with gruelling hours, societal and religious shame about sex, and life was just passing me by. One of the things we often talked about in therapy is how I need to learn to get out of my head and into my body. Massage, yoga, meditation, being in the ocean – all of these helped, but the underlying ‘problem’ remained; and as the years passed, I was becoming increasingly reluctant to even discuss it.

As well as reading everything out there on virginity, I also explored the concept of asexuality. I could relate to the description of people who identified as asexual, saying “it was as if everyone else had a switch that flicked on as teenagers – but not me, somehow I didn’t get the message to start wanting relationships and sex”. I’m not sure if I feel sexual attraction, which is a definition of asexuality, but I do have a healthy libido and have a respectable number of sex toys. I have great orgasms. Ultimately I’ve realised that for me, a label doesn’t actually matter. What matters is knowing what I want (intimacy, kindness, companionship and a good sex life) and who I want that with (men, I think). It feels strange being 50 and trying to figure out stuff that most people have sorted by the time they’re through adolescence; but here I am: better late than never!

I began to realise the harsh reality that I needed to either do something about my situation, or accept that I might never have sex and just get on with my life. Staying in limbo was doing my head in.

When I contacted John during a holiday in Sydney, I wanted to talk with him about all things sexuality, to learn about myself and what all the ‘stuff’ in my head means. Of course, I knew he wasn’t a therapist, but he clearly had experience in talking with more women about this than any licensed therapists would ever have. I very nervously hit the send button on an email:

“….I’d be keen to meet with you for a couple of hours, actually mostly to talk and maybe a massage. Not planning to go all the way this time but considering in the future. …”

My heart jumped when I got a reply within a few minutes:

“….Thank you for contacting me. It would be my pleasure to see you. … Talk and a massage is perfectly fine. I understand not wanting to go all the way and there is no pressure to.”

From the moment I met John, it was clear that his website is a totally accurate portrayal of who he is, his values and how he works. He arrived on time, we started chatting and, in the absence of a sofa in my hotel room, moved to the bed to lie down and talk a bit more. Within half an hour, we’d gone from being complete strangers, to me telling him all of the above, and lying on a bed together, kissing (something I’d also never done, but he offered to teach me, without judgement). Then he asked if I’d like a massage – at that point it dawned on me that in our talking, I’d once again been fully inside my head, and that getting into my body was what I desperately needed to do.

Each step of the way the massage was done with utmost respect, kindness and consent; it also flowed naturally as he read my body. I had no idea how much I would enjoy nipple stimulation…. I had already decided I might be ok with oral sex at the end of the massage, so when John asked about removing my underwear, my answer was an enthusiastic yes. I got very close to climaxing, but after a (very) long time wasn’t quite there yet. I made a decision: “Um John, I think I need you to fuck me properly”. He promptly stopped, put his head up and with a kind smile responded “we can do that!”. And so we had sex. Then we chatted some more. And he asked if I’d like to have sex again (yes please, didn’t know you could do it again so soon….), he asked if I wanted to put the condom on and showed me how. I chose what position I wanted, and we had sex again. It was very, very good….

More talking, more cuddling and eventually our evening together came to an end.

I slept like a rock. When I woke, I couldn’t stop smiling. I felt in-control and empowered. As I left the hotel, I wanted to shout to the people walking the streets of central Sydney “I HAD SEX LAST NIGHT! And it was so much fun!”. For the first time in my life, despite not having had children (not by choice), despite being in a bigger body, despite having had a hysterectomy, I felt like a woman. A sexy, complete woman. I genuinely didn’t expect that a couple of hours with a stranger could feel so overwhelmingly good – both in the moment and in the change that I feel in myself afterward.

I know John says he can’t work magic, but I’m prepared to accept that something in me changed in a way I can’t fully explain: and it was wonderful. That switch that didn’t get activated in adolescence? It’s now dialled right up. Now, I feel like I’m walking around with the lights on and my eyes open. Life really does feel that different – even a few months later.

If someone had told me 30 years ago that this is how I would have sex for the first time, I would have been shocked, and to be honest, quite embarrassed. I spent years tortured by uncertainty about whether I was fundamentally ‘abnormal’ or if I ‘just hadn’t met the right person yet’. I feared what it meant about me if my ‘right person’ never existed. I hadn’t considered the possibility that perhaps my own body had wisdom to listen to. I certainly hadn’t given myself permission to just have a whole lot of fun with my body!

My only regret is that I didn’t ditch the dream of the white picket fence earlier, but I am grateful that I can now move ahead and fully embrace this one precious life that I have. Yes, my way of having first time sex was definitely unconventional, but so was my journey to get there. My mind was tying itself in knots trying to think its way out of this. Getting the hell out of my head, and into my body was one of the best decisions I have ever made. No regrets. And yes, I have another booking planned.

D.

John

A sexual revolution in 600 pages – The Hite Report

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I was recently sent this link to an article in The Conversation:

https://theconversation.com/orgasms-are-a-marvellous-happiness-shere-hite-gave-voice-to-female-sexuality-in-a-landmark-book-but-the-backlash-was-fierce-246150

It talks about Shere Hite and the book that she wrote in 1976 about women’s sexuality:

It did something nobody had considered worth doing: investigating women’s sexuality by asking them to share their thoughts and feelings, then relaying those reflections to readers in women’s own words.

It’s hard to imagine the importance of women’s orgasm being so misunderstood in this day and age. It’s also hard to imagine that it is only fifty years ago that Hite’s work was considered controversial. We have come a long, long way just in the span of my life.

And it also has be recognised that we live in a time where gains that we have made in that time are starting to be unwound – something that I never expected to happen, ever!

I think that now is an excellent time for us all to consider finding a copy of The Hite Report to read and reflect of how far we have come and how much we have to lose. Even here in Australia.

For instance the Queensland government has blocked trans people under 18 from “accessing puberty blockers and cross sex hormones” (https://equalityaustralia.org.au/qlds-hormone-ban-for-trans-youth-slammed-by-medical-experts-and-human-rights-groups/). Which is a backhanded way of denying young people the ability to control their lives and their bodies. Not because there is a demonstrated risk or harm:

“Only last year a review in Queensland found that practices in the state’s gender clinics were safe and evidence based, recommending increased funding and capacity to reach regional areas.  

“Governments should stay out of these deeply personal decisions and leave it to young people, their parents and the expert doctors treating them.”

We live in dangerous times where populism and political expediency are being set above people’s well being and healthcare. We must recognise that and respect the risk we face.

John

When you have a bad first experience with a male sex worker

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The vast majority of women who come to see me are seeing a straight male sex worker for the first time. Most of those women will see me more than once. Which is great – I think that it is fair to say that when someone comes back for a second, third, fourth booking that I must be doing something right.

But not everyone has good experiences the first time that they see a male sex worker for women. I have met several women who “tried it once” and had a bad experience. From guys turning up stoned, to having poor social skills, to having poor sexual skills.

I am always disappointed when I hear about these experiences. Disappointed for the women and disappointed for the industry – because while a bad experience at a restaurant is unlikely to put you off eating out forever, having a bad experience with a sex worker may well put a woman off ever seeing a sex worker again. Which I think would be a terrible shame because for the right person, seeing the right sex worker can be a powerful, even transformative experience. 

There are a lot more male workers in the industry now than there were 15 years ago when I started. This is good in that there is more choice for women to find a man who suits them best. However there is a downside too in that too many of the men who get into the industry do so for their own gratification, not understanding – or caring – that their clients’ pleasure, and welfare must come first.

So, what to do if you have had a bad experience with a male sex worker?

The first thing is to request a refund. If you aren’t happy with a service then by law here in NSW and most of Australia you are entitled to at least a partial refund and possibly a full refund. Any serious, professional male sex worker will acknowledge and respect the fact that you weren’t happy with his service and provide a refund.

The second thing to do is know that just because it didn’t work with one guy doesn’t mean that it won’t work with another. We are a very varied group with often very different takes on sex work, what it means, and how we go about providing our service.

So the key is to take however much time you need to get a good feel for the next worker that you choose to see. If he won’t invest the time and effort to talk to you and let you get to know him, then walk away. If he is difficult to contact and doesn’t reply promptly, then walk away. If you have any kind of “bad feeling” with him, then way.

Lastly I would suggest that if you have had a bad experience previously and want to try again – then tell the new worker that you choose that you had a bad experience. He should be respectful of that and work with you to make your next experience with him better. Telling him will also let him know where you are at emotionally and allow him to connect better and be more responsive to your needs.

If you have had a bad experience and a finding it hard to find another worker, or to trust another worker, then drop me a line. I am happy to talk and take the time to build the trust that you need to be able to enjoy seeing a sex worker.

John 

The cashless society is a creeping horror

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The Commonwealth Bank here in Australia wants to charge certain customers $3.00 to withdraw cash from their bank accounts under certain circumstances…

“the account also includes an “assisted withdrawal fee”, where customers taking money out at bank branches, post offices or by phone are charged $3 per withdrawal”

Banks slapping exorbitant fees on transactions is nothing new, but this particular move just highlights how banks hatecash and don’t want to have to deal with it.

I’ve written before (in 2016) about how important cash is to sex workers and our clients:

https://john-oh-escort.com/2016/12/14/why-my-clients-need-cash/

And while the situation has improved here in Australia with our OSKO system that enables effectively instant transfers, it’s worth saying it again – cash is important to a society and especially to sex workers and our clients. That fact has only been emphasised by the 12 hour network outage experienced by Optus (an Australian telecoms provider) in early November of 2023. That outage was cause by a software error that took down Optus’ routers and prevented any internet traffic and phone calls on their network.

In that time, if you were an Optus customer or your business relied on Optus services to take and make payments then you were out of luck. And if you had no cash, then you could literally have been left stranded.

Cash is difficult and expensive for banks to handle. Governments hate it because it makes it harder for them to collect taxes. But cash also makes our civilisation more robust. It gives us a backup method of paying for and being paid when the electronic channels don’t work – be that because of societal stigma, software failure, or natural disaster.

Cash – always works.

We allow big businesses and our government to do away with cash at our peril. And believe me when I say that the will do so if they possibly can. So vote for cash – just take a bit out of the ATM every week to remind the banks that we still want and need cash (but remember to check for exorbitant withdrawal fees first!)

John

ShortTake – Types of sex work – seven part series

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There are three main forms of sex work regulation. This series of short videos gives you an introduction to what they are and how they work.

Episodes are released one day at a time and I will update this post each day.

Part 1 of 7:

Part 2 of 7:

Part 3 of 7

Part 4 of 7

Part 5 of 7

Part 6 of 7

Part 7 of 7

If there is a topic that you would like me to cover, please let me know!

John

ShortTakes – a series of short educational films about sex work

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Several years ago (back in 2018) I made a series of short films discussing sex work and the various legal, ethical, and practical issues surrounding it. For a number of reasons I ended up taking those films down, but I think it’s time that they received another airing.

So for the next few few months I will be publishing them on YouTube and linking them here on my blog. They will also be collated on my Sex work ShortTakes page

Hopefully you will find them interesting and informative.

I haven’t made any new films recently – so if there is a topic that I haven’t already covered that you would like to hear about please feel free to drop me a comment about it and I’ll see what I can do.

John

Being naked changes us

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Clothing is possibly one of the most significant social influences in our societies.  You can be openly gay, or atheist or religious, or socialist, or conservative in public and it’s all acceptable (in Australia at least) – protected even.  But you can’t be naked in public.

France Keyser for The New York Times

Think about that.

Intentional nudity in public is literally illegal, while espousing extreme political or religious views is not.

I will add at this point that:

“It’s not an offence to be naked in public in England and Wales but it does become an offence if it can be proved the person stripped off with the intention to upset and shock. The complainant has to prove this.”

This is more than a little surprising for a relatively conservative society, so well done them.  It’s not without it’s problems though as Stephen Gough “The Naked Rambler” has discovered.  He has walked from Lands End to John O’Groats twice – naked.  In doing so he’s been arrested and even jailed multiple time.  So it’s an imperfect law, imperfectly applied.

Anyway, all of that, I think, goes to the main point here. Nudity is a central taboo in the vast majority of our societies – even when it is literally legal.

I was recently sent a link to an article (thank you Denise):

https://www.nytimes.com/2024/11/27/arts/design/naturism-exhibition-naked-mucem-marseille.html?unlocked_article_code=1.dk4.Krv_.GJLLt5TAlReM&smid=url-share

about an exhibition at the Museum of the Civilizations of Europe and the Mediterranean in France dedicated to the history of social nudity.  On five nights during its run the visitors are all naked.

We could look at this as a marketing stunt, but I see something else here.

I have had the experience on several occasions in my life to be lounging around with a mixed group of people, naked. Here’s what I have observed:

Loud people become less loud.
Quiet people speak up.
Social pressures seem to evaporate.
There is much more of a sense of equality.
People seem to be more respectful of each other.

So I can absolutely see how interacting with a sociological study of nudity with a group of naked people would give a different experience – and perhaps insight into – “naturalism” and nudity in public.

Clothing lets us project an image. Clothing is a mask that we wear to make a statement – to project authority, sexuality (ironically), demonstrate status, wealth, or “piety”, and many other things. It has practical applications for protection of course but even when practicality isn’t an issue we still choose to wear clothes.

Nudity takes away much of our ability to project an image to those around us and while being naked all of the time is impractical, I do think that as a society we would benefit from the humility that I observe comes with nudity.

John