Cuddling and its benefits are all too often overlooked and ignored, especially in long term relationships. I think that we should make more effort to cuddle more often.
Part 1 of 3
Part 2 of 3
PART 3 OF 3
John
The Commonwealth Bank here in Australia wants to charge certain customers $3.00 to withdraw cash from their bank accounts under certain circumstances…
“the account also includes an “assisted withdrawal fee”, where customers taking money out at bank branches, post offices or by phone are charged $3 per withdrawal”
Banks slapping exorbitant fees on transactions is nothing new, but this particular move just highlights how banks hatecash and don’t want to have to deal with it.
I’ve written before (in 2016) about how important cash is to sex workers and our clients:
https://john-oh-escort.com/2016/12/14/why-my-clients-need-cash/
And while the situation has improved here in Australia with our OSKO system that enables effectively instant transfers, it’s worth saying it again – cash is important to a society and especially to sex workers and our clients. That fact has only been emphasised by the 12 hour network outage experienced by Optus (an Australian telecoms provider) in early November of 2023. That outage was cause by a software error that took down Optus’ routers and prevented any internet traffic and phone calls on their network.
In that time, if you were an Optus customer or your business relied on Optus services to take and make payments then you were out of luck. And if you had no cash, then you could literally have been left stranded.
Cash is difficult and expensive for banks to handle. Governments hate it because it makes it harder for them to collect taxes. But cash also makes our civilisation more robust. It gives us a backup method of paying for and being paid when the electronic channels don’t work – be that because of societal stigma, software failure, or natural disaster.
Cash – always works.
We allow big businesses and our government to do away with cash at our peril. And believe me when I say that the will do so if they possibly can. So vote for cash – just take a bit out of the ATM every week to remind the banks that we still want and need cash (but remember to check for exorbitant withdrawal fees first!)
John
There are three main forms of sex work regulation. This series of short videos gives you an introduction to what they are and how they work.
Episodes are released one day at a time and I will update this post each day.
Part 1 of 7:
Part 2 of 7:
Part 3 of 7
Part 4 of 7
Part 5 of 7
Part 6 of 7
Part 7 of 7
If there is a topic that you would like me to cover, please let me know!
John
Several years ago (back in 2018) I made a series of short films discussing sex work and the various legal, ethical, and practical issues surrounding it. For a number of reasons I ended up taking those films down, but I think it’s time that they received another airing.
So for the next few few months I will be publishing them on YouTube and linking them here on my blog. They will also be collated on my Sex work ShortTakes page
Hopefully you will find them interesting and informative.
I haven’t made any new films recently – so if there is a topic that I haven’t already covered that you would like to hear about please feel free to drop me a comment about it and I’ll see what I can do.
John
Clothing is possibly one of the most significant social influences in our societies. You can be openly gay, or atheist or religious, or socialist, or conservative in public and it’s all acceptable (in Australia at least) – protected even. But you can’t be naked in public.
Think about that.
Intentional nudity in public is literally illegal, while espousing extreme political or religious views is not.
I will add at this point that:
“It’s not an offence to be naked in public in England and Wales but it does become an offence if it can be proved the person stripped off with the intention to upset and shock. The complainant has to prove this.”
This is more than a little surprising for a relatively conservative society, so well done them. It’s not without it’s problems though as Stephen Gough “The Naked Rambler” has discovered. He has walked from Lands End to John O’Groats twice – naked. In doing so he’s been arrested and even jailed multiple time. So it’s an imperfect law, imperfectly applied.
Anyway, all of that, I think, goes to the main point here. Nudity is a central taboo in the vast majority of our societies – even when it is literally legal.
I was recently sent a link to an article (thank you Denise):
about an exhibition at the Museum of the Civilizations of Europe and the Mediterranean in France dedicated to the history of social nudity. On five nights during its run the visitors are all naked.
We could look at this as a marketing stunt, but I see something else here.
I have had the experience on several occasions in my life to be lounging around with a mixed group of people, naked. Here’s what I have observed:
Loud people become less loud.
Quiet people speak up.
Social pressures seem to evaporate.
There is much more of a sense of equality.
People seem to be more respectful of each other.
So I can absolutely see how interacting with a sociological study of nudity with a group of naked people would give a different experience – and perhaps insight into – “naturalism” and nudity in public.
Clothing lets us project an image. Clothing is a mask that we wear to make a statement – to project authority, sexuality (ironically), demonstrate status, wealth, or “piety”, and many other things. It has practical applications for protection of course but even when practicality isn’t an issue we still choose to wear clothes.
Nudity takes away much of our ability to project an image to those around us and while being naked all of the time is impractical, I do think that as a society we would benefit from the humility that I observe comes with nudity.
John
Anyone who has read at all deeply on this website knows that I am a strong supporter of sex worker rights and women’s rights.
As of Wednesday 6th of November 2024 the USA is facing another four years with Donald Trump and the right-wing of USA politics in charge of the country. And it is not going to be a good time for sex workers – or our clients.
Newsweek.com published an article on Nov 6th, 2024 with the following quote about “Project 2025”:
“Project 2025 makes it clear that they will be coming after porn under a First Amendment suit.
The introduction to the manifesto reads: “Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection.”
https://www.newsweek.com/project-2025-porn-ban-trump-presidency-1981587
While this comment from the Project 2025 manifesto only mentions “pornography” we can be sure that these people won’t differentiate between “porn stars” and any other kind of sex work. They hate it all and will suppress and prosecute it all equally when they have the power to do so.
So firstly – to all of my USA sex working peers: please stay safe. I really hope that things don’t get as bad as they look like they could.
Secondly – this is a moment for sober reflection. Here in Australia we have the best, most rational, and permissive sex work laws in the world. We have them because for decades people faught for them. And there is the justifiable belief that once we have a right it won’t be taken away. But the USA has clearly demonstrated how that assumption is fundamentally incorrect.
Our rights are only safe for the current election cycle – and make no mistake, there are plenty of people and politicians in Australia who would leap at the chance to criminalise sex work once again and take us back to the bad old days where police brutalised sex workers and controlled politicians who used sex work services.
All it takes is moral panic and populist politics to tear down decades of incremental gains. Just look at the USA and their ending of Roe V wade. If it happened there, then it can happen here too. If you value your ability to read this blog – let alone actually make a booking to see me – then you need to support the rights of sex workers because minority rights are also your rights.
John
At this point it’s a truism to say that online dating is a rolling dumpster fire. Everyone I know who has tried it has (regardless of success or failure) has said that it is awful and they hate it.
On its face online dating *should* work. It exposes us to people we would *never* otherwise have been able to meet – other than by highly unlikely random chance. And there in lies the first problem. Historically (thinking back to the middle of last century) we weren’t that mobile as a society. We tended to live and work in one place most of our lives, even over multiple generations. So the people we met day to day were mostly like us, sharing education, values, experiences etc. That’s not so true today. If you live in a big city like Sydney then you are going to be exposed to a lot more people from very different places with very different life experiences, values, education, and views.
What I have noticed (from living in small towns and big cities) is that in big cities people are far more insular than in small communities. When you live in a small town then everyone feels entitled to be a part of everyone else’s business and it’s difficult to be “private” and anonymous. In a big city however there is an assumption of privacy and anonymity. In my apartment building here in Sydney I literally have no idea who my neighbours are and rarely interact with them (and they change regularly) and are rarely interested in getting to know me. But the last small town I lived in the neighbours came and introduced themselves the day I moved in. The difference is real.
The problem with online dating is that it pierces that barrier of privacy that we assume for ourselves and brings right into our life people who are in absolutely no way “pre-qualified” as being someone we might like and relate to.
That in theory should be a good thing, but I think that in reality it makes for stressful experiences that just aren’t fun most of the time.
Most of us like to think that we are open minded and open to new experiences. But that doesn’t translate to being able to easily find a connection with someone who is very different to us. To be clear, I’m not putting a value judgement on being different from me. It’s just a statement that the more different we are the harder it is to form a connection with another person.
So yes – online dating brings vastly more people into our lives, but many – most – of them are simply never going to be possible prospects for a relationship – or even a friendship.
Then there is the social media affect. Social media is for the most part undeniably toxic. It allows – in fact encourages – and enables the worst kind of behaviour and attitudes toward other people and I don’t believe for a second that a person who one minute is thoughtlessly firing insults at someone on Twitter then flips over to Tinder has just undergone an attitude change and developed a sensitivity towards another group of anonymous people online.
So what is the solution? The only solution that I have been able to come up with is this: do things that you enjoy. Find other people who like doing the same things. Spend time around those people. In time and with luck you may meet someone with similar values and interests who you want to spend more time with.
It’s not a silver bullet to dating I know, but I think that it is the healthiest way to find a partner.
John
I want to share something (with permission) that a woman recently told me.
“…one reason I was a bit reticent to tell you if something wasn’t working for me, is in the past, an ex-partner became quite upset when something that had felt good previously, wasn’t doing it for me that particular time. He basically said it wasn’t normal for something to feel good one time, but not another time and how was he supposed to know what to do if I keep changing my mind, and not to worry he would make sure to never do that again. So therefore I would never tell him if something wasn’t working for me in that particular instance.”
My response was to reassure her that she was always welcome to tell me if something wasn’t working for her (and inversely if something was really good!). I will never judge a person, or take it as an insult if something that we are doing isn’t working for them – even if it has in the past. We are never the same person from day to day. Our hormones change, we are tired, or energised, we are more or less aroused, the list goes on. So expecting the same thing to work for your partner every time you have sex isn’t realistic, or fair.
I have some advantage in this regard because my job as a male escort for women is to work out what works for someone. It’s my natural inclination to watch for the effects of what I’m doing and adjust, or ask if I think that there might be a problem. In long term relationships though it is very easy to slip into routines when we have sex and to just do the things that we always do that usually works.
I think that this is a good lesson for all partners: sex should be a fluid thing. It’s something that we should think about and pay attention to, rather than just something that just becomes routine.
Something that I have noticed over the years is that even with women I have known for many years, the sex never becomes routine or boring. I think that is in large part because when someone comes to see me it is “intentional” rather than just part of everyday life. So the sex is intentional. It is considered. Perhaps even planned – which can lead to exploring new ideas, trying new things, building a fantasy, then seeing where that leads.
I know that is always going to be hard to replicate in a relationship, but I think that it is worth acknowledging that sex needs to be made a priority in our lives from day to day to make it the best experience that it can be.
John
It’s obvious that no-one is born knowing how to drive. Driving is one of those skills that you have to learn by getting in a vehicle with an instructor, being guided, trying, making mistakes, learning, and eventually being able to safely drive a vehicle. For me that started when I was quite young growing up on a farm in Victoria and has continued on the road for thirty odd years.
Just this week though I undertook my first practical training and assessment session to drive a heavy vehicle. In particular I was training to drive heavy vehicles with an old style manual transmition. Now I can drive a manual car, but this is rather different, more complicated, and requires a *very* delicate touch with both your shifting hand and your foot – much more so than modern cars need.
I spent three hours driving around a one kilometer loop practicing shifting up and down, up and down. And I just couldn’t do it consistently. Sometimes I’d get it right, then I’d lose it again.
There were a few reasons why it was so difficult for me. One was trying to overcome more than thirty years of driving reflexes, another was my preferred learning style – no pressure, lots of repetition, and being able to mess up, then try again. The last is a supportive teacher who doesn’t get stressed or lose their cool.
The first is just something that takes time. Reflexes are hard to overcome – especially reflexes that you have learned to keep you safe. Unfortunately the loop we were driving was relatively short with several corners that limited my ability to just practice, practice, practice and threw in having to worry about a bunch of other factors like traffic, potholes etc. The last was the biggest problem and I honestly wasn’t comfortable with the person who was instructing me. I tried to work through it, but in the end I had to cut the session short because his teaching style clashed with how I learn and when combined with my fading ability to concentrate from mental exhaustion it was clear that there was no point continuing that day.
It may not seem obvious but there are some strong parallels between my recent experience and how many people experience learning about sex. I think that there is a very strong expectation in people that sex will just “come naturally” and when it doesn’t I think many people blame themselves, thinking that it must be their failing.
The truth though is that first – especially if we are older and have experience and sexual “reflexes” – it can be *really* hard to unlearn or modify those reflexes. Certain things “work” for us and trying new things or different things may not hit the same way leaving us fighting not to fall back into old patterns.
Then there’s the question of how we learn. Are you someone who likes to plan things out and try them step by step? Or do you prefer to just jump into something and see what happens? Do you need lots of communication and reasurance?
And finally there’s the person (or persons) you are doing your exploration with. This is likely to be the most important part of all. We are at our most vulnerable when we express a desire to another person – when we open ourselves up and say to a partner “I would like you to do this for me…”. There is a huge risk there emotionally. Will they take your request seriously? Will they be understanding and supportive? Will they respect your boundaries? Will they be enthusiastic about your shared journey and experience?
I often have women come to me who want to have a new experience, or learn new ways to experience pleasure, or discover what they are capable of sexually. I believe that I always put my full effort and attention into helping the women and couples who come to me to explore their sexuality.
My personal experience this week learning a new and difficult skill under stressful circumstances has reminded me of just how hard it can be for people to be vulnerable and to put their trust in someone else. I don’t believe that I have ever lost sight of that in my sex work, but it never hurts to have a reminder. I want to be the best I can possibly be as a sex worker and I think that this experience will help me to achieve that.
John
I’ve known Hillary Caldwell for a few years now and am proud to have participated in her research. I’m happy that I was able to contribute in a small way to her writing. She has recently published a book
Slutdom: Reclaiming Shame-free Sexuality.
When women are enjoying better sex, the people they have sex with will too. Sexual equality is good for everyone.’
Despite decades of activism, women are still burdened with the effects of slut shaming in everyday life. Finally, there is a book that argues convincingly and passionately for women’s enjoyment of sex as a force to advance gender equality.
Delving into topics such as pleasure, pain, empowerment, and including real women’s stories and saucy tips, sexologist and academic Hilary Caldwell is uniquely placed to understand what women want – and, importantly, what women deserve.
Deeply researched and drawn from the author’s own life experience, Slutdom is controversial, celebratory and courageous.
For anyone struggling with their sexuality and trying to find a way to be happy and whole with it I think this is worth a read.
John