Category Archives: Education

A message of solidarity and sober reflection

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Anyone who has read at all deeply on this website knows that I am a strong supporter of sex worker rights and women’s rights.

As of Wednesday 6th of November 2024 the USA is facing another four years with Donald Trump and the right-wing of USA politics in charge of the country.  And it is not going to be a good time for sex workers – or our clients.

Newsweek.com published an article on Nov 6th, 2024 with the following quote about “Project 2025”:

“Project 2025 makes it clear that they will be coming after porn under a First Amendment suit.

The introduction to the manifesto reads: “Pornography, manifested today in the omnipresent propagation of transgender ideology and sexualization of children, for instance, is not a political Gordian knot inextricably binding up disparate claims about free speech, property rights, sexual liberation, and child welfare. It has no claim to First Amendment protection.”

https://www.newsweek.com/project-2025-porn-ban-trump-presidency-1981587

While this comment from the Project 2025 manifesto only mentions “pornography” we can be sure that these people won’t differentiate between “porn stars” and any other kind of sex work. They hate it all and will suppress and prosecute it all equally when they have the power to do so.

So firstly – to all of my USA sex working peers: please stay safe.  I really hope that things don’t get as bad as they look like they could.

Secondly – this is a moment for sober reflection.  Here in Australia we have the best, most rational, and permissive sex work laws in the world.  We have them because for decades people faught for them.  And there is the justifiable belief that once we have a right it won’t be taken away.  But the USA has clearly demonstrated how that assumption is fundamentally incorrect.  

Our rights are only safe for the current election cycle – and make no mistake, there are plenty of people and politicians in Australia who would leap at the chance to criminalise sex work once again and take us back to the bad old days where police brutalised sex workers and controlled politicians who used sex work services.

All it takes is moral panic and populist politics to tear down decades of incremental gains.  Just look at the USA and their ending of Roe V wade.  If it happened there, then it can happen here too.  If you value your ability to read this blog – let alone actually make a booking to see me – then you need to support the rights of sex workers because minority rights are also your rights.

John

Why is online dating SO bad?

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At this point it’s a truism to say that online dating is a rolling dumpster fire. Everyone I know who has tried it has (regardless of success or failure) has said that it is awful and they hate it.

On its face online dating *should* work. It exposes us to people we would *never* otherwise have been able to meet – other than by highly unlikely random chance. And there in lies the first problem. Historically (thinking back to the middle of last century) we weren’t that mobile as a society. We tended to live and work in one place most of our lives, even over multiple generations. So the people we met day to day were mostly like us, sharing education, values, experiences etc. That’s not so true today. If you live in a big city like Sydney then you are going to be exposed to a lot more people from very different places with very different life experiences, values, education, and views.

What I have noticed (from living in small towns and big cities) is that in big cities people are far more insular than in small communities. When you live in a small town then everyone feels entitled to be a part of everyone else’s business and it’s difficult to be “private” and anonymous. In a big city however there is an assumption of privacy and anonymity. In my apartment building here in Sydney I literally have no idea who my neighbours are and rarely interact with them (and they change regularly) and are rarely interested in getting to know me. But the last small town I lived in the neighbours came and introduced themselves the day I moved in. The difference is real.

The problem with online dating is that it pierces that barrier of privacy that we assume for ourselves and brings right into our life people who are in absolutely no way “pre-qualified” as being someone we might like and relate to.

That in theory should be a good thing, but I think that in reality it makes for stressful experiences that just aren’t fun most of the time.

Most of us like to think that we are open minded and open to new experiences. But that doesn’t translate to being able to easily find a connection with someone who is very different to us. To be clear, I’m not putting a value judgement on being different from me. It’s just a statement that the more different we are the harder it is to form a connection with another person.

So yes – online dating brings vastly more people into our lives, but many – most – of them are simply never going to be possible prospects for a relationship – or even a friendship.

Then there is the social media affect. Social media is for the most part undeniably toxic. It allows – in fact encourages – and enables the worst kind of behaviour and attitudes toward other people and I don’t believe for a second that a person who one minute is thoughtlessly firing insults at someone on Twitter then flips over to Tinder has just undergone an attitude change and developed a sensitivity towards another group of anonymous people online.

So what is the solution? The only solution that I have been able to come up with is this: do things that you enjoy. Find other people who like doing the same things. Spend time around those people. In time and with luck you may meet someone with similar values and interests who you want to spend more time with.

It’s not a silver bullet to dating I know, but I think that it is the healthiest way to find a partner.

John

We need to be able to ask for what we want in bed

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I want to share something (with permission) that a woman recently told me.

“…one reason I was a bit reticent to tell you if something wasn’t working for me, is in the past, an ex-partner became quite upset when something that had felt good previously, wasn’t doing it for me that particular time. He basically said it wasn’t normal for something to feel good one time, but not another time and how was he supposed to know what to do if I keep changing my mind, and not to worry he would make sure to never do that again. So therefore I would never tell him if something wasn’t working for me in that particular instance.”

My response was to reassure her that she was always welcome to tell me if something wasn’t working for her (and inversely if something was really good!).  I will never judge a person, or take it as an insult if something that we are doing isn’t working for them – even if it has in the past.  We are never the same person from day to day.  Our hormones change, we are tired, or energised, we are more or less aroused, the list goes on.  So expecting the same thing to work for your partner every time you have sex isn’t realistic, or fair.

I have some advantage in this regard because my job as a male escort for women is to work out what works for someone.  It’s my natural inclination to watch for the effects of what I’m doing and adjust, or ask if I think that there might be a problem.  In long term relationships though it is very easy to slip into routines when we have sex and to just do the things that we always do that usually works.

I think that this is a good lesson for all partners: sex should be a fluid thing.  It’s something that we should think about and pay attention to, rather than just something that just becomes routine.

Something that I have noticed over the years is that even with women I have known for many years, the sex never becomes routine or boring.  I think that is in large part because when someone comes to see me it is “intentional” rather than just part of everyday life.  So the sex is intentional.  It is considered.  Perhaps even planned – which can lead to exploring new ideas, trying new things, building a fantasy, then seeing where that leads.

I know that is always going to be hard to replicate in a relationship, but I think that it is worth acknowledging that sex needs to be made a priority in our lives from day to day to make it the best experience that it can be.

John

Learning a new skill

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It’s obvious that no-one is born knowing how to drive. Driving is one of those skills that you have to learn by getting in a vehicle with an instructor, being guided, trying, making mistakes, learning, and eventually being able to safely drive a vehicle. For me that started when I was quite young growing up on a farm in Victoria and has continued on the road for thirty odd years.

Just this week though I undertook my first practical training and assessment session to drive a heavy vehicle. In particular I was training to drive heavy vehicles with an old style manual transmition. Now I can drive a manual car, but this is rather different, more complicated, and requires a *very* delicate touch with both your shifting hand and your foot – much more so than modern cars need.

I spent three hours driving around a one kilometer loop practicing shifting up and down, up and down. And I just couldn’t do it consistently. Sometimes I’d get it right, then I’d lose it again. 

There were a few reasons why it was so difficult for me.  One was trying to overcome more than thirty years of driving reflexes, another was my preferred learning style – no pressure, lots of repetition, and being able to mess up, then try again. The last is a supportive teacher who doesn’t get stressed or lose their cool.

The first is just something that takes time. Reflexes are hard to overcome – especially reflexes that you have learned to keep you safe. Unfortunately the loop we were driving was relatively short with several corners that limited my ability to just practice, practice, practice and threw in having to worry about a bunch of other factors like traffic, potholes etc. The last was the biggest problem and I honestly wasn’t comfortable with the person who was instructing me. I tried to work through it, but in the end I had to cut the session short because his teaching style clashed with how I learn and when combined with my fading ability to concentrate from mental exhaustion it was clear that there was no point continuing that day.

It may not seem obvious but there are some strong parallels between my recent experience and how many people experience learning about sex. I think that there is a very strong expectation in people that sex will just “come naturally” and when it doesn’t I think many people blame themselves, thinking that it must be their failing.

The truth though is that first – especially if we are older and have experience and sexual “reflexes” – it can be *really* hard to unlearn or modify those reflexes. Certain things “work” for us and trying new things or different things may not hit the same way leaving us fighting not to fall back into old patterns.

Then there’s the question of how we learn. Are you someone who likes to plan things out and try them step by step? Or do you prefer to just jump into something and see what happens? Do you need lots of communication and reasurance?

And finally there’s the person (or persons) you are doing your exploration with. This is likely to be the most important part of all. We are at our most vulnerable when we express a desire to another person – when we open ourselves up and say to a partner “I would like you to do this for me…”. There is a huge risk there emotionally. Will they take your request seriously? Will they be understanding and supportive? Will they respect your boundaries? Will they be enthusiastic about your shared journey and experience?

I often have women come to me who want to have a new experience, or learn new ways to experience pleasure, or discover what they are capable of sexually. I believe that I always put my full effort and attention into helping the women and couples who come to me to explore their sexuality. 

My personal experience this week learning a new and difficult skill under stressful circumstances has reminded me of just how hard it can be for people to be vulnerable and to put their trust in someone else. I don’t believe that I have ever lost sight of that in my sex work, but it never hurts to have a reminder. I want to be the best I can possibly be as a sex worker and I think that this experience will help me to achieve that.

John

Hilary Caldwell, sex work, research, and her book about reclaiming your sexuality

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I’ve known Hillary Caldwell for a few years now and am proud to have participated in her research. I’m happy that I was able to contribute in a small way to her writing. She has recently published a book

Slutdom: Reclaiming Shame-free Sexuality.

When women are enjoying better sex, the people they have sex with will too. Sexual equality is good for everyone.’

Despite decades of activism, women are still burdened with the effects of slut shaming in everyday life. Finally, there is a book that argues convincingly and passionately for women’s enjoyment of sex as a force to advance gender equality.

Delving into topics such as pleasure, pain, empowerment, and including real women’s stories and saucy tips, sexologist and academic Hilary Caldwell is uniquely placed to understand what women want – and, importantly, what women deserve.

Deeply researched and drawn from the author’s own life experience, Slutdom is controversial, celebratory and courageous.

For anyone struggling with their sexuality and trying to find a way to be happy and whole with it I think this is worth a read.
John

Sex work, disability, and the NDIS – again…

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13 years ago a young woman with cerebral palsy contacted me. She had never had sex before and wanted to try it with me because she felt that seeing a sex worker would be safe and give her control over the encounter.

She has continued to see me every month since then and is to this day my longest standing client. Being able to see me regularly is an important part of her well being and enjoyment of life. We literally have more sex than many married couples!

She is in the very lucky position of being able to afford to see a sex worker regularly. Many if not most people with a disability are not. That’s where the National Disability Insurance Scheme has been very helpful for some people with disabilities. It has given them the financial ability to pay for sex that they otherwise would be unable to have.

And now we have this from NDIS minister Bill Shorten:

“Sex work will be banned from being funded through the National Disability Insurance Scheme under NDIS Minister Bill Shorten’s planned reforms, the minister has confirmed.

The decision to exclude sex work has prompted deep concern from the disability sector, who warn it will rob participants of free choice, and could be a sign of a broader tightening on what participants can access.

On Sunday, Mr Shorten told Sky News he intended to change the rules.

“We will rule it out, yeah, we will rule it out. It’s just not a sustainable proposition, it doesn’t pass the test, does it,” Mr Shorten said.

“The reality is I’ve got one or two examples I’m aware of that it’s ever happened, ever. So it’s not what’s happening in most of the scheme.”

Specialised sex services have been available through the NDIS since 2020 when the federal court ruled in a legal challenge that the National Disability Insurance Agency should approve those services where deemed reasonable and necessary.”

https://www.abc.net.au/news/2024-07-07/sex-worker-ndis-funding-ban/104068652

I expect this sort of unsympathetic nickle-and-diming of government spending from the LNP, but hearing this from a Labor minister is extremely depressing. Shorten’s quote to Sky News doesn’t even make any sense…

“We will rule it out, yeah, we will rule it out. It’s just not a sustainable proposition, it doesn’t pass the test, does it,” Mr Shorten said.

“The reality is I’ve got one or two examples I’m aware of that it’s ever happened, ever. So it’s not what’s happening in most of the scheme.”

If there are really only “one or two examples” of people using NDIS funds to access sex work services then it’s hardly a burden on society. But he also said “It’s just not a sustainable proposition”.

An “unstainable proposition” how Mr Shorten? Financially? You just said that almost no-one uses it, so that doesn’t make sense.

Did he mean it’s a “[morally] unsustainable proposition”? If so does that mean that the federal Labor government is planning to ban all sex work? Or is it just “morally unsustainable” for people with a disability to be enabled to experience sex – like every able bodied person in the community (which is literally the purpose of the NDIS – to enable people with disabilities to be able to live their lives as normally as possible).

I just don’t understand where this coming from. I absolutely expect these sorts of prudish, mean spirited decisions from an LNP government, but Labor knows better and should do better.

It’s a sad day. People with disabilities deserve sex too.

John

“It feels lame just asking for a cuddle”

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A woman I’ve known for a while now saw my recent post about “spontaneity”, but decided that while she felt like having something, she didn’t feel like having sex. Then – as per the title of this post – she felt it was a bit lame thinking of just asking for time with me to cuddle.

Now I’ve talked about this before but it bears mentioning again – you are very welcome to book me just for a cuddle – or even just to sit on the couch and talk with a cup of tea, or a glass of wine!

There is no need for a booking with me to include sex or anything intimate if that’s what you want. A booking can be literally anything that you want it to be – from a relaxed chat to a world trip! It’s entirely up to you and what you need.

John

Do you want to be more confident in bed?

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I know – it sounds like the subject line from a spam email, but it’s a serious question. Over the years I have met many women who lacked confidence in their bodies, their attractiveness, their sexual knowledge, and their abilities to please a lover.

These concerns are so common that I even offer a course to help teach the skills and give women the opportunity to practice them in a safe, controlled environment.

Many people make the assumption that sex – being natural and normal between people – is something that everyone (except for them!) just knows how to do. In reality none of us know anything more than what we see others doing (usually porn of some form) and what we experience ourselves.

So if you have little or no experience then sex can be really intimidating.

This is why I offer my course. I want everyone who wants to be confident in bed to have a place they can go to learn the skills they want to have.

This is the course outline that I use as a starting point to plan out lessons when you book with me…

Potential topics:

  • Touch (clothed)
  • Kissing (lips)
  • Undressing
  • Touch (naked)
  • Cuddling
  • Hair
  • Erotic massage
  • Body slide/full body touch
  • Kissing (full body)
  • Reading your partner
  • Intimate touch
  • Giving oral sex
  • Receiving oral sex
  • Masturbation
  • Edging
  • “Showing off” / being seen
  • Penetrative sex, positions, rhythm, flow
  • Anal play, giving and receiving
  • Anal sex, giving and receiving
  • Spanking
  • After care

You can pick as many or as few items as you want. If it’s a short list then we can probably cover it in one or two sessions of two hours each. If it’s a longer list then it will require more.

You can of course add any topic that you might be interested in that isn’t listed here.

I prefer to keep lessons to two hours with a break in the middle as that is a length of time that is enough without being too much to handle physically and mentally.

So if you want to improve your confidence, or broaden your knowledge then why not drop me a line with your educational wish list!

John

More about sex work and financial discrimination

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I made a post last week about Melbourne Sex worker Matthew Roberts and his historic win in the Victorian courts to get access to EFTPOS services for his sex work business. I received an email today from Matthew promoting his ongoing efforts to have federal laws that are used against sex workers changed and I want to share it with you.

While this fight is mostly about giving sex workers fair access to financial services it is also about us being able to provide you our customers with a greater range of payment options. So it would be great if you could follow Matthew on X/Twitter: @sexworkervbanks or subscribe to his mailing list – email “YES” to sexworkervbanks@protonmail.com

Hi there, 

I’m reaching out to you as you’re interested in sex workers’ rights and efforts to combat financial discrimination. Financial discrimination is a huge problem for Australia’s sex industry, and as Australia moves away from cash, this problem is only getting worse.  

New laws protect sex workers from discrimination. It’s time to enforce these laws. 

My name is Matthew and I’m a self-employed gay male sex worker. When two financial service providers denied me use of EFTPOS machine services, I took the matter to the Magistrates’ Court of Victoria. In a landmark anti-discrimination law case, I settled the case on my terms and forced both companies (Mint Payments and First Data Merchant Solutions) to end their blanket sex worker ban. 

In 2022 Victoria, Australia decriminalised sex work and protected sex workers with anti-discrimination laws based on ‘occupation’.  My case is a huge win for sex workers and proof that enforcing these new laws can result in real change. 

But more needs to be done. The two companies initially tried to use a legal loophole to justify discriminating against me. A section of Federal anti-money laundering laws is routinely being used by financial companies to discriminate against entire groups of customers, including law abiding customers like me. The Federal Government needs to amend these federal laws to stop financial service providers from getting away with unlawful discrimination. 

Want to be kept in the loop as I extend my fight against financial discrimination and form a new advocacy movement? Reply ‘Yes’ to this email to be added to my email list.

Maurice Blackburn lawyers represented me in court. You can find me on X at @sexworkervbanks

Press Release: Melbourne sex worker resolves “debanking” discrimination case over denied EFTPOS machine

ABC News: Sex worker takes on financial sector ‘debanking’, with outcome hailed as transformative for adult industry

ABC TV’s The Business: Why sex workers are facing discrimination from banks and financial providers

News.com.au: Melbourne sex worker wins ‘debanking’ case against two Australian financial institutions

The Age: Sex stays the same, but sex work changes [behind a paywall]

Q News: Fed-up Melbourne sex worker sues financial providers and wins

Banking Daily: Illigit to debank s*x workers

Lawyers Weekly: Sex worker wins ‘decade-long battle’ against debanking discrimination

Yours sincerely 
Matthew Roberts 

Email: sexworkervbanks@protonmail.com 
Media enquiries: Chee Chee Leung at Maurice Blackburn Lawyers 0412 560 584

Thank you for your support of our industry. We really appreciate it! And thank you to Matthew for taking on this fight for all of us sex workers and clients alike.

John