The fallacy of “female viagra”

Posted on by
2

Today I saw this article in the Sydney Morning Herald that discusses the race to create a “female viagra”:

http://www.smh.com.au/good-weekend/multimillion-dollar-race-to-find-a-pink-viagra-20141121-11e1b6.html

There’s a saying that goes … “to a hammer, everything looks like a nail”.

Therefore it is no-surprise-at-all to me that pharmaceutical companies (who as a matter of course make drugs and sell them to people) would like to have a convenient pill to sell to women to alleviate their “sexual dysfunction”. Hammer/nail.

There are so many things wrong with this conversation about why women don’t want, or don’t enjoy sex that it’s hard to know where to begin. Perhaps the most pertinent place is with “male viagra” and to define what it really is, as opposed to what this article (and popular culture) think it is.

Viagra is the brand name that Pfizer gave the drug sildenafil. Sildenafil is a vasodilator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasodilation). In short, this means that it increases blood flow, particularly arterial blood flow (that conveniently carries blood to the penis). This is VERY, VERY useful if you are male, older, less fit, have poor circulation etc. It can make getting and sustaining an erection much easier. But it doesn’t create arousal.

So, viagra gets your blood flowing. But it does not create arousal. Let me say that again: viagra does not create arousal in a man. This is a common misconception, and one embodied in the title of this article. No arousal, no erection, no-matter how much viagra you have popped.

As implied by this article, men rarely suffer from a lack of desire and arousal for sex. What some men lack (due to age, and perhaps less than ideal health) is the blood flow to get and keep their penis hard. Women on the other hand often lack the arousal. Therefore it is pointless – in my opinion – to talk about a “female viagra”. Viagra works perfectly well on women as a vasodilator. The obvious problem is that this doesn’t do one damn thing to increase a woman’s level of arousal. It probably won’t hurt, but it’s not going to change a woman’s perception of someone who she don’t feel like having sex with.

What people who talk about female viagra are really talking about is developing a drug that makes women aroused (or some facsimile of). There is at least one very obvious problem here, so lets address it first: this is sounding seriously shady to me. We usually call these sorts of things “date rape” drugs. You know, things like rohipnol (who’s effects include: disinhibition and impaired judgment). If a woman can pop a pill to become aroused, then what is to stop someone else slipping them a pill to do the same?

I am sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be horrified to hear me characterise their work in this way, but at the end of the day making a pill that alters women’s state of mind to increase sexual arousal is a dangerous and very slippery slope. There is of course a common drug that already does this sort of thing. It’s called alcohol. Used in moderation it can be socially beneficial. Used inappropriately it can be disastrous – and people think that a more powerful version would be better?

A second problem is that, if you are trying to develop a drug that creates the physical responses of female arousal (like vaginal lubrication etc) then you are again missing the point. Having the physical indications of being ready for sex in no way guarantee that a woman will actually want to have sex with the man in front of her. Being wet, or having an erection doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex. Just that your body is ready to do so. Granted, for women who have issues with a lack of lubrication (as many women do post menopause for instance), then this could be a good thing. However that’s not really what the article, or the pharmaceutical companies are focusing on.

So, lets stop talking about “female viagra”. Lets instead have an adult discussion about why so many women don’t want sex. Or lose interest sexually in their partners as relationships age. Lets talk about how the concept of the “nuclear family” (and the social and physical isolation that causes) effects women’s libidos. Or about long work hours (for men and women), stress, debt, consumer culture, social dislocation, negative body image messages, hormonal contraceptives, lack of skill and interest from male partners, social pressure for “conventional” relationships, monogamy, and plenty more.  All of these things play a part in women having sex lives that are unfulfilled.

And that’s where the answers to the question of how to arouse women lie. Not in pills. Not in miracle cures. The problem of how to make a man’s erection last longer and be harder is trivial by comparison. Answering this question requires a revolution in both our thought and behaviour. It’s little wonder that people and business just want a pill! This stuff is hard, bordering on impossible to address. However, if we look hard at our lives, work out what really matters to us as people, then we can start to work on changing our lives to support those things. It’s not an easy thing to do for most of us, but that’s the reality of life. It is incumbent upon us all to find our own path.

John.

Orgasmic Meditation and the 15 minute orgasm

Posted on by
Reply

Ok, I admit it, the title of this post is click bait, but the title is important, as is the subject. I was recently shown an article in Sneaky Magazine, here that talked about a growing movement (?) from a US organisation called One Taste that teaches people (men and women working together) what they call orgasmic meditation.

From the One Taste website:

“Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice embracing and utilizing the sexual energy we all possess.

Courses at OneTaste teach you how to acknowledge the energy flowing through you, and then channel it into all areas of your life. The result? Your sex life improves, food tastes better, your connection to yourself and others deepen. Being TurnedOn means feeling the electricity of being alive.

Practitioners experience benefits similar to other mindfulness practices such as sitting meditation, as well as the well-known health benefits associated with orgasm. It’s deliberate and structured with repeatable results.

OM is profound, yet simple and you can have it whether you are single or coupled.”

So far so good. Mindfulness is a good thing. Being aware of one’s self, your emotions, and the sensations that you are experiencing here and now is an excellent foil to the noise, stress, and discord that modern life assails us with virtually all the time these days. Adding orgasm to mindfulness sounds extra good!

So, reading through the article, this is what I discover …

Orgasmic massage is basically clitoral masturbation of the woman (of course) by a partner (usually a man, perhaps its an American thing, but they don’t really talk about women performing the “stroking”, but I can’t see any reason why they couldn’t). For just 15 minutes. And according to the One Taste explanation, the 15 minutes is central to the whole concept.

Now this is where the click bait comes in to play. A session lasts for 15 minutes, from laying down and the woman spreading her legs so that her stroker can begin stroking to the hands off moment when you have to stop. No ifs, no buts. Now I know a few women who could probably reach orgasm in that time from just clitoral stimulation, but that’s a vanishingly small minority. And fair enough, with practice, perhaps you could learn to experience a version of orgasm that is long and slow and deep and last the whole 15 minutes. But this definitely doesn’t qualify as an orgasm as most of us know it. There simply isn’t time for most women to build to the required level of arousal and then peak in what we call orgasm.

In fact, I know plenty of women, who, if they could achieve orgasm within 15 minutes, would be pushing the stroking hand away straight afterward as orgasm leaves their clitoris overly sensitive and further touch is almost painful (much like most men don’t enjoy strong stimulation of their penis straight after orgasm and ejaculation).

So, the name Orgasmic Meditation is misleading. This isn’t about orgasm. It is about sexual pleasure. It is about mindfulness. It is about empowerment for women and taking control of their sexuality. All of these are very good things. But it’s not about orgasm.

So, slightly dodgy name aside, I think Orgasmic Meditation is a REALLY GOOD THING. If you are well in touch with your body, comfortable in your sexuality, and happy with your sex life, then it could be fun and may be useful. However, if things aren’t so great, then orgasmic meditation may be of real help to you. Here’s why:

The structure of the process (15 minutes, very specific touch, no sex, no expectations, total focus on the woman) means that the woman can let go of all of the stresses and expectations that she has learned or had imposed on her around sex. This is her time. It’s all about her. It’s about pleasure (from a sexual source), but it’s not about sex. She doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her partner, or really doing anything at all besides enjoying herself. Perhaps it’s like getting a manicure? Time when you are just indulging yourself and no-one else – and it feels really good too!

And the fact that there (probably) isn’t a recognisable form of orgasm involved for most women has another benefit: having had someone play with your pussy for 15 minutes will leave you “turned on” and wanting sex. That’s completely natural, and it’s no surprise to me that the energising effect of unresolved sexual arousal would flow through to other areas of your life.

At the end of the day I think that orgasmic meditation is a great idea. I can’t see how it can hurt anyone (unlike medication, alcohol, and extreme life changes), so why not try it out? I am planning on attending a course in the near future to get the training (although the instructional video on the One Taste website makes it look pretty simple really). I will make another post to describe the experience.

John.

The life erotic

Posted on by
2

The year once more is escaping us and I find that I have been away from my blog for far too long. It is the problem with a busy life that time for writing such as this – with its own importance – can be limited.

I look back now on many years in my profession with more clarity about the world and the human condition, and how I may be of service.

I enjoy my work as a male escort for women more than any other job I have ever had. A statement that at face value (given the assumptions that society makes about men and their appetite for sex) may seem obvious. And it is true that I enjoy sex and the female form deeply. However it goes much further than that.

To the sense of satisfaction that comes from helping a woman, who thought that she could never enjoy intimacy again, to realise that she is still a sexual being, who can enjoy her body and that of a partner. Or for the women who come to me from relationships that, while fulfilling in many ways, lack the joy of sex that makes life so much sweeter to live. Seeing confidence and happiness blossom, fear and pain fade away to be replace by transitory yet lasting pleasure that brings an understanding of self worth.

All of this and more, like the sweetness of a smile when all is done and rest is what is needed, to be held and to hold. No words required.

It comes of course with a cost to me as well. Of time away from home and my partner, of travel in weather as variable as one can expect in these times. But it is a job that I choose to do and while I may take more time for myself one day, it’s not a job that I want to stop doing. As long as I can give something of value then I wish to continue to do so.

John.

And welcome to Melbourne!

Posted on by
4

I don’t get to Melbourne as much as I would  like to these days but it’s  always nice to come back to a place that has lots of good memories. I lived in Melbourne for ten years in the nineties while I was at university then worked for several years before I moved to Sydney.

It’s  like coming back to an old friend (who has grown up a bit, works for a merchant bank, and now drives something new and imported – same person but I’m not sure if we will still get on …) time will tell I guess

John.

It’s a matter of trust

Posted on by
2

Stars of entertainment and sport frequent two Sydney brothels

Headlines like the one above (clickbait of the worst kind) make my blood boil.

To be fair to the journalist Eamonn Duff, he didn’t name names, explode families, ruin careers and create an orgy of public indignation. But the headline makes it sound like that’s what’s behind the link. What is the story actually about? Two “seedy” men fighting over the ownership of a modest brothel empire, and somehow a bunch of client information has been leaked to the press.

People fighting over ownership of businesses isn’t usually news – or not often anyway. So why is this article a headline story? Because it has to do with selling sex to famous people. If the client details of a couple of banks had been leaked would Eamonn have even raised and eyebrow? I doubt it (except to feel outraged to see how much money certain people have perhaps). But I think that most people would say “who cares?”, yes, people have money. Some of them put their money in the bank and have bank accounts.

Likewise, yes, people have sex, and sometimes they pay for it – for a whole load of reasons that Joe Average doesn’t know, doesn’t understand, and quite probably doesn’t want to understand (because it’s complex, doesn’t come in neat three word slogans and actually requires people to open their minds to new possibilities and problems with our society). Joe Average just wants to know which celebrity woman pays to have sex at a brothel in Sydney.

Lets get some things straight here: selling and buying sex is legal in NSW (within certain laws), just like selling and buying milk. These businesses are legal (there is no hint in the article that they have done anything wrong). The customers have broken no law by going to these places. Someone HAS however revealed private personal information to a journalist. Information that would if released utterly ruin people’s lives and careers. That’s a breach of trust at the very least. I don’t see Eamonn Duff railing against that though. No, he lapped it up, analysed it, found the juicy parts and made it a national headline.

As you can imagine client confidentiality is paramount to me as a male escort for women. If my clients don’t trust me to protect their identities then I have no business. But lets turn that around for a moment and look at it from the perspective of my clients: if they can’t be sure that I (and other providers of sex services) will protect their identities, then they are prevented from seeking out something that they need and want in their lives, that they can’t get any other way (if they could, then why would they be paying a provider like me).

I don’t do this job just to earn money. I also do it because the service I provide matters to the people I provide it to – and it matters that it is available for them. I can’t make everyone in the world, or even Sydney happy and satisfied, but to the few women who need what I offer, then I can and do make a real and significant difference to their lives.  That matters to me, it gives me significant job satisfaction in an industry that most people look down on and despise.

A journalist handed private information about similarly vulnerable people needs to stop and think VERY hard about the consequences of what they are doing. I expect that Mr Duff would say “no names were mentioned, so it’s fine”, but that’s not the point. The customers, who woke up this morning (who know that they are on that list) have had their day, week (and possibly life) ruined by this non-story. They will have to think long and hard before they go out again in the future to engage a service that (like my customers) may be very important in their lives.

And why do they now have to live in fear? So that Fairfax newspapers can sell some advertising space. Our society needs to think more about values and real people and less about making money by exploiting vulnerable people. Especially when it’s so easy to beat up public interest by splashing a scandalous headline about in the news.

There is only one name that I would like to hear from Mr Duff: the name of the person who betrayed the trust of hundreds (thousands?) of clients of two legal business. Because that person should never be trusted again with people’s private information.

John.

Too self-conscious for sex

Posted on by
3

The Guardian published an article recently with the title “I’m too self conscious about my body to have sex with someone new”. You can see it here:

http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/09/self-conscious-body-have-sex-someone-new

It’s a short letter from a reader who is 54, recently divorced, wants a new relationship, wants to have sex as part of her life, but is scared of what a new partner will think about her appearance.

It is a very familiar story to me. Many of the women who come to me are in exactly the same boat. They see a date with me as an opportunity to test this theory in a way that is emotionally risk free. I.e. the risk of rejection from me (as a male escort) is low, and they are not putting their self-esteem on the line with someone who they care about.

I was very pleased to see that the comments responding to this article were overwhelmingly positive. For instance:

“I’m a 38 year old man and believe me men won’t be turned off by you, boys might be but I presume you are looking for someone more mature than a teenager in a man’s body.”

 

“Believe me, my wobbly bits have their own wobbly bits, but once a man is attracted to you – HE DOESN’T CARE!
It’s easier said than done, I know, but I think once you get it over with, you’ll be fine. It’s incredibly liberating to feel comfortable in your skin. And if it should turn a new partner off, it’s his loss, isn’t it?”

I particularly like the second comment above: “… once a man is attracted to you – HE DOESN’T CARE!”. Words of wisdom there. And probably the most important of all. As a (straight) man, I love women, I love the female body, and I love sex. A woman having a perfect body is not what matters to me. “Sexy and attractive” starts in your head, with confidence, and belief in yourself. That’s where I make a connection with a woman – with who she is. Not what she is.

After that, sex just becomes a natural part of that connection.  So don’t wait, if you are still worried, book a date with me and try it out.  Or, better still, take the plunge and go to bed with that man you have had your eye on!

John.

Music 2

Posted on by
2

Today has been an interesting day.  Firstly I had an appointment with a new physio about an ongoing issue that I have with my lower back.  Being 6’2″ is a blessing and a curse.  But I think that we might have finally found the right combination of stretching and exercises to resolve the problem.  The one weird thing I have noticed over the years is that sex makes lower back pain vanish completely (at least for a while!).

So, as part of my “core” strength building program to help support my back, I went to the pool here at Olympic Park and swam some laps.  Not the three kilometres I would once have done, but I was happy with the outcome.  Tomorrow I will swim again and go a bit further.  I came home from that feeling like I had no bones in my body.  That delightful feeling of being completely exhausted physically and floppy all over.

So, having had a quiet evening (and iTunes taking forever to download a movie on my very slow ADSL2 internet connection) I decided to pick up the guitar and practice some of the tunes I have been learning.  Not having a piano down here in the apartment means that I have to wait until I go home again to continue that adventure and that’s not going to happen for another week or two until my back is in better shape.  It’s one of the downsides of motorcycles.  They are hard on your back if it’s not in great shape.

So, one hour and totally worn out fingers later I am on my way to being able to play the first line of Beethoven’s Tempest Sonata Movement 3 and the most excellent riff from Dire Straights Sultans of Swing.  The only downside: my left hand fingertips (which are all numb and compressed from holding down guitar strings) now fail to work reliably on my laptop track pad for some weird reason!

Anyway, my musical adventures continue and I am having real fun with them.  One day soon I may even be able to play a full song.

John.

Music

Posted on by
Reply

I have never had a happy relationship with playing music.  Like most Australian children in the 70’s, the first instrument I picked up at school was a recorder.  I didn’t learn to play it well and eventually moving on to clarinet and guitar never helped!  Although I will say that I had a brief stint with the xylophone that was outstanding at around age 8!

Xylophone aside I just never managed to connect with playing music.  I was similarly handicapped when it came to mathematics.  Both were banes of my childhood.  I really wanted to be good at both, but unlike friends and family around me I didn’t have that musical knack, or intuition, or connection that they had.

Years passed.

Now, here I am at age 42 and the music is calling me!  Have you ever had that feeling of looking at something and thinking: “I know I can do that!”.  I bought an acoustic guitar some time ago and have enjoyed tinkering and teaching myself how to play it – and I genuinely feel that there is now something different in my brain, because for the first time I genuinely “feel” the music.  Guitar is still proving a significant challenge and one that I will continue working on, because guitar is such a great instrument to be able to play.  It’s portable, sounds great on its own and is always popular.

My new discovery though is that I love piano.  If you have read previous posts you will know that my partner has a piano (I made a post here about tuning the one key that was out of tune).  So two days ago I sat down and started learning to play the very beautiful classical piece of music (Beethoven’s Tempest 3rd movement) that featured in the remake of the movie Total Recall.  It’s a stupendous challenge for someone who A. has never played piano and B. isn’t great an patting their head while rubbing their tummy!  However I have discovered that I can still read music fairly well (even if I can’t make my fingers do what the notes say – yet!).  The result is that with about four sessions of practice over two days, I can basically play the first line and a half.

I am under no illusions that what I am doing is any good really, but I just LOVE being able to sit down in front of a piano and produce from it, something that actually sounds like real music.  It is a fabulous experience that makes life a richer and more enjoyable thing to live.  As I write this, my partner is playing the theme song from the movie Amelie (by the composer Yann Tiersen) in the living room (she is much, much better than I am), filling the house with music that is beautiful and of her own making, imperfections, hesitations and all.

There is something about live music and the people who can create it that has always captured me.  From seeing cover bands in Melbourne pubs when I was at university to an individual sitting down at the public pianos that occasionally get placed around Circular Quay in Sydney.  It has been one of my lifelong desires to join those ranks.  Even at this late stage in my life (relatively speaking) perhaps it’s possible.

I could segue into something about sex here and perhaps I should.  A comparison between learning a new skill like playing an instrument and learning about sex and what we can enjoy with our bodies.  I do think that it’s a fair comparison, since most of us never get the chance to learn about sex, we just go along with the general assumption that it is something that just happens and you don’t need to learn or practice.

Well, like any instrument, the human body needs to be tuned and the skills practised if you want to create really beautiful music.

John.