Category Archives: Blogging and articles

Beauty – part II

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I made a blog post a couple of days ago about Australian journalist Clementine Ford being deluged with hate mail for standing up to Channel Seven’s Sunrise program (when they engaged in “victim blaming” in response to news about women having their nude photos hacked and published without their permission).

I see today that one of the perpetrators (who threatened to bash and rape her and called her “lesbian scum”) who Ms Ford outed, has apologised and is feeling the heat of public disapproval. See here:

http://www.smh.com.au/national/man-shamed-for-trolling-clementine-ford-apologises-for-online-attack-20150625-ghxz24.html

On reading his responses though I am left cold. This much is clear: this man still, does not understand why what he did was wrong. He is only apologising because he got caught and was embarrassed.

It brings into focus a common problem: some people are either unable, or unwilling to see that the way they treat other people is wrong. This is particularly bad when it’s men treating women badly in relationships.

So what’s the point? It is this: if you are in a relationship where you are being abused physically, or emotionally then you are not obliged to just accept or tolerate it. People like the man in this article may one day be able to see why what he did was wrong. But he clearly can’t yet. And the only way that he will learn this lesson is for women (like Clementine Ford) to state clearly and repeatedly that what he did was not ok and to walk away from him.

Not everyone is incapable of learning from their mistakes. I like to think that I am a better person for having my mistakes and errors pointed out to me and then trying to do better. But when someone has shown that they aren’t, or won’t, then it is the right thing to do to move on – for your own health and well-being.

It is no our job to rescue people from themselves. We can only do so much before the cost becomes too great.

I am not saying that we should throw away relationship at the first sign of trouble. Not at all. But it is important to know when to put yourself first and to stand up for your own needs.

John.

It’s time that we had REAL sex education

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Following on from my recent post about beauty in our society I want to write something about sex education. It’s a topic that I have cared about since my ok, but rudimentary sex education in high school. I was prompted today by this article in the local paper. From the article:

So it is not uncommon then for a female student to graduate high school having never received any formal education on topics such as natural lubrication, the clitoris, female masturbation or the female orgasm, even though the male equivalent of these topics were first broached way back in primary school.

The inherent asymmetry this creates then stigmatises female pleasure, while reinforcing a phallocentric model of sex. Thus male pleasure is centrally coded into the experience and attributed hyper significance, while the female orgasm is treated as taboo, embarrassing, irrelevant or even non-existent.

Worse still, by erasing female needs and prioritising male needs as paramount, the current model of sex education normalises male entitlement and perpetuates female voicelessness. At a fundamental level, this reinforces the same gender stereotypes and patterns which give rise to sexual violence and intimate partner violence.

For Manon and Lyndsay, this all points to a need for urgent reform, starting with more consultation with young women.

I couldn’t agree more about the need for reform. Also for the participation of young people (girls and boys). And that when we neglect to make sex education broad and inclusive of both genders (and a range of ages!), we help to entrench stereotypes that marginalise women and their right to self knowledge and sexual pleasure.

It is a regular occurrence for me that I meet women who have little connection with their bodies and their sexuality, who have difficulty achieving orgasm, and generally have a hard time enjoying sex. It happens so often that I specifically offer “therapeutic” services to try to assist women and give them a better sex life. It is enjoyable and rewarding work for me, but in an ideal world it would not be necessary.

To this end I have often thought about (collaboratively) writing a set of ebooks for young (and not so young) people about all aspects of sexuality. Not just the biology of reproduction like I was taught at school, but about relationships (straight, gay, bi, open, closed, and poly), kissing, masturbation, oral sex, contraception, consent, peer pressure, penetrative sex, breaking up, emotions, porn, and anything else that people wanted to hear about.

Importantly I think that this sort of material shouldn’t be “one size fits all”, but revised or expanded for gender, orientation, and age. Young people need access to this information, but even us adults need it too some times.

And we now live in an age where (thanks to the magic of computers, smartphones, tablets, and the Internet) we have the ideal means of distribution and totally private viewing for this sort of material. In short the time has never been better to solve this problem.

Having said that, I guess it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and write something. So, a question for my readers: as a young person (or as an adult), what aspect of sexuality would you have liked most to be able to pick up a short e-book and read about?

In hindsight, as a teenage male, I would have benefited most from a book about masturbation for boys/men. I suffered for many, many years with premature ejaculation (ironic I know, given what I do now!) and I can absolutely attribute that to having no idea about how I should have been learning to masturbate – with a view to having a healthy sex life once I had a partner to share sex with. Just a few basic tips would have made my sex life (and that of my first three partners) much more enjoyable.

So, please let me know what you think. I am very interested to hear your thoughts.

John.

Beauty is so much more than skin deep

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A recent hacking incident that lead to private nude photos of women being published on line caused a cascade of responses, one of those being presenters on Channel Seven’s Sunrise program here in Sydney indulging in victim blaming.  This lead Sydney Morning Herald columnist Clementine Ford to respond with a semi nude photo, posted to Facebook with a message “Hey #Sunrise – get fucked”.

It was, I thought a powerful response and entirely appropriate.  The post has been very popular and attracted vast numbers of comments.

Clementine Ford has since published an article in the Sydney Morning Herald talking about the torrent of abuse that her post drew down on her.  Mostly men basically trying to shame her for how she looks.  To her credit she had held the line and not taken the post down despite the very, very personal criticism.

We live in a media saturated world that puts physical beauty on a pedestal (then alternately savages it).  We all know this, but we like to think that the people around us aren’t so shallow – after all, we live in the “real world” not in the celebrity world.  But the truth is that, as Clementine Ford experienced, there are plenty of regular men (and boys one suspects) who are equally vacuous and malicious and prepared to publicly judge and criticize women for their appearance.

Which is why I am writing this post.  It is a common thing for women who come to me to feel insecure about their appearance, or even hate how their bodies look.  Year of subtle, or not so subtle denigration by people around them, and of course the relentless pressure of the media sap their confidence and take away their love and enjoyment of themselves.

I am often asked what I do if I don’t find a client attractive.  The answer is not what most people expect though.  When it comes down to it, I see all of my clients as people, as women, as human beings.  Different shapes and sizes, different interests, fear, worries, and desires.  But all people.  And in every person there is something to admire, something that can arouse passion and make a person attractive to themselves and someone else.

On top of that, no matter what, we are all able to enjoy sex.  And sex transforms people, pleasure makes people vulnerable and beautiful.  Not beautiful in the superficial way that the media would recognise, but in a way that speaks to the partner with whom they are sharing something so intimate.

We all have beauty.  And it deserves to be celebrated.  A big part of what I do is give women an opportunity and the safety to experience feeling and being beautiful.

John.

A sex club for women…

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Killing Kittens, is a “sex club” for women, started in the UK by Emma Sayle and now grown to 40,000 members world wide (now including Sydney). What can I say but “wow”. That’s impressive.

I read about it in this article.

The impressive thing is that Ms Sayle has created a club dedicated to sex for women and it has worked – (some) women actually enjoy it. It defies the stereotypes of women and their sexuality, and it tells us something real about what women want and what they are prepared to try if they feel safe and in control. That’s a really significant discovery.

Sayle’s club has a few rules:

  • Members only (AUD $200 per month approx.)
  • Only men who are part of a couple can attend
  • Men are not allowed to initiate sex, only the women can do that
  • All members are vetted for “attractiveness” (I am not too keen on this rule)

So Sayles has worked out the formula that allows (some) women to be comfortable with their sexuality, to engage with it, and to experience sex outside of the traditional sanctioned confines of a monogamous relationship. It’s great to know, because we can absolutely put to rest the notion that “men always/only want sex” but “women need to be in love to enjoy sex”.

It’s simply not true.

The truth is that everyone can enjoy sex. Men and women alike. But our upbringing, our personality, libido, health, stress, and more can all affect when, where, and how we want sex and are able to enjoy it. The problem is that modern life rarely prioritises making us healthy, happy, relaxed, and with time to spare. It’s a battle to pay bills, to raise children, to build careers, and often, just to get along. Sex loses out almost every time.

So, if there is a lesson to be learned from Emma Sayle and Killing Kittens, it seems to be that we need to look after ourselves and make time and space in our lives for our sexuality. This isn’t a new idea, and I am pretty sure that I have said it before. It is nice though to have Sayle’s experiment to support the idea that if we do, then men and women can enjoy sex as and when we want to.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, the upcoming inaugural party in Sydney will cost $1200 per couple to attend!  That’s if you can make the guest list of course.

John.

Living without sex

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I happened upon an article titles Living Without Sex via the Sydney Morning Herald recently. You can see it here:

http://www.dailylife.com.au/news-and-views/dl-culture/what-is-it-like-to-live-without-sex-20150329-1ma4lh.html

It peaked my curiosity as most articles about sex and sexuality usually do. I was ready for something similar to an article that I have seen in the past on the subject that left me unconvinced. It was about a group of young people who considered themselves asexual, had never had sex, and weren’t interested in it. There are a number of issues with that situation, but I won’t go into them here. This article however was more relevant I think to the people who visit my website.

It looked at three different women who each had their own life related reasons for not having sex. Ranging from choice to medical reasons. I would like to touch on each briefly and make some comments.

Sara – 43, chose to stop having sex for a year as she found that her instinctive response to men (to flirt and sometimes sleep with them) was making it difficult for her to make good decisions about relationships. I think that this is fascinating, and a lesson that more people could benefit from incorporating into their lives. She found that when she put sex aside that she was better able to see potential partners for who they were and decide if they were right for her. It sounds like a good decision to me. Being able to understand ourselves and why we make the choices that we do and what drives them is the path to making better choices in the future.

Sally Broom – 37, chose to stop having sex for religious reasons. For me, this is more of a negative example. I understand that some people have beliefs that preclude sex, the problem is that many people (including Sally) find ways to excuse themselves from this stricture when it suits them. Then they feel guilty. Or don’t enjoy it. Or feel bad about what they have done. This can lead to very negative feelings about self and sex in the long term. I was raised Catholic, so I understand the way that organised religions can use guilt to control people, especially when it comes to sex. But it can do much more than just control you, it can damage you and your relationship with sex and with your body. My personal opinion is that religion does not belong in our sex lives and should never be allowed to guide our choices about who, how, and when we have sex.

Sally has had the experience of discovering that since she became celibate that she is more engaged in the rest of her life and that other things are fun too. I would turn this around and say: to the person who represses natural sexual desire that you are missing out on something that can be very positive in your life. All things should be done in moderation, including sex, but repressing anything that you love and desire will have consequences for the rest of your life. They may be trivial, or, as is often the case with repressing sexual desire, they may be huge. I have plenty of personal experience in this area and my considered opinion is that it’s not healthy and can go a long way to making you miserable and no fun for the people around you.

Breanna Percy – 24, had a medical condition called vaginismus. Simply put it means that due to fear, or trauma, or some other reason, the muscles of the vaginal opening contract strongly and don’t allow the woman to have sex. It’s a reasonably common problem, and thankfully one that no woman needs to put up with. In Breanna’s case she eventually (with the help of Google – yay for Google!) worked out that she had vaginismus. It still took her a long time though to find a method of treatment. In her case it involved going to the US for expensive treatment at a clinic that uses therapy and vaginal dilators to gradually allow a woman to train the muscles of her vagina to relax.

The good news is that you don’t need to go to the US and it doesn’t need to be terribly expensive. You can easily buy the vaginal dilators online (safely and anonymously) and there are plenty of doctors and therapists around who will help you with the use of them. It is even something that I have done on a number of occasions successfully with clients. Half the battle with problems like vaginismus is knowing that you are normal and that other women have the same problems that you do. Once you realise that and have someone to help who is supportive and understands, then it’s just a matter of a few weeks to do the work and help your body learn that having sex is safe, not painful, and even fun.

So why live without sex? Having sex can be good for your mental health. It’s (another) way to connect with people. And best of all, it’s fun when you know how to do it well and are with someone you connect with. And one thing that I definitely see missing from too many people’s lives is fun.

John.

Sleep and sex

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I doubt that anyone would disagree that being well rested can improve your libido, but my observation personally is that lack of sleep affects women’s libidos more strongly than men.

A study was done recently in the US into the effect of sleep on female libido and while the results are predictable (falling into the “common sense” category), it’s always good to have actual empirical evidence to back up our assumptions.  From the study:

Good sleep is important for maintaining healthy sexual functioning. Decreases in desire and genital response, as well as reduced likelihood of partnered sexual activity, are predicted by both nightly and habitual sleep duration. Notably, these effects were independent of age, sexual distress, daytime affect and fatigue, or presence of menstruation. These findings suggest that acute sleep disturbance may contribute to sexual complaints and reduced sexual activity.

So, while this isn’t new information to us, it does give us a good reason to look at our lives and ask the question: what is it that we want for ourselves?

“Work/life balance” has almost become a cliche these day – mostly because of it’s absence from most people’s lives.  We work longer hours and even second jobs because we have to, but as this study shows, we pay a price that is often higher than we should.

Having a healthy and enjoyable sex life is too often seen as a luxury, one that is incompatible with modern life.  And it can certainly be hard to make it happen.  But personally I think that it’s worthwhile making the time (and getting the sleep) that is needed for a great sex life.

Life is too short for always being tired and not having great sex!

John.

The mons pubis

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Every year (or is that week?) there’s a new “fashion thing”, usually it’s just something superficial like g-string whale tails that at the end of the day don’t mean a thing, but occasionally it’s something like the “thigh gap”, or in this case:

http://www.smh.com.au/comment/were-doing-this-to-ourselves-ladies-20150222-13kfj3.html

… it’s having a flat mons pubis.  I think that the linked article pretty much says it all, but I want to go a little deeper on one point.  That is: the fat pad on top of a woman’s pubic bone that gives the mons pubis its shape is there for a reason.  It’s a bumper bar.  Seriously.

It’s job is to make sex more comfortable for you and your partner.  If your partner is a guy, then chances are that he doesn’t have the same level of padding on the front of his pelvis as you do.  So a shapely and well padded mons pubis is a real asset for both of you.

It could be compared to the fat pad in your heels.  They are an entirely brilliant piece of evolution that makes walking possible by cushioning the heel bone as your foot comes down with each step.  No-one would ever consider trying to make their heels skinny, so why would you want the same for your mons pubis?  It makes no sense, except to make women insecure about themselves and rush to the nearest plastic surgeon, diet, or gym.

I said this many years ago about labiaplasty (the practice of trimming a woman’s inner labia so that they don’t protrude beyond her outer labia): if you are worried about how your mons pubis looks (that it’s “too fat”, not flat enough etc) and want to change it through surgery or something, then come and see me first.  I will be happy to show you what real men (not the cruel judgmental types who don’t deserve to be in your life, let alone your bed) think of a beautiful curved mons pubis.  If you are still unhappy, then I will give you your money back.

Seriously, give me an hour of your time and I will change how your see your body and yourself.

John.

My favourite hotel in Sydney

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I just noticed this article in the Herald …

http://www.traveller.com.au/shangrila-sydney-hotel-renovation-first-look-at-8-million-revamp-12kcyz

Looks like my favourite hotel in Sydney has had a makeover!  Seriously though, for the best harbour views from a hotel in Sydney I can’t recommend a better choice than the Shanri-La.  They also do an excellent breakfast.

The staff are also extraordinarily professional.  I once arrived (in fancy dress – painted blue from head to toe and wearing a kilt) for a book launch and the parking valet didn’t even bat an eyelid.

John.

Orgasmic Meditation, orgasm from penetration, and your vibrator

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It’s time to write the post that needs to be written.

My first post about Orgasmic Meditation was on the whole positive. Since then I have attended one of their training courses (fun) and come to realise that the concepts behind OM are powerful, beneficial, and something that every woman and man should know about and understand. And preferably practice! I have used orgasmic meditation (or variations of it) with a number of my clients with success. My partner has declared that it is “ridiculously enjoyable” and that it has been transformative for our sex life (you are never too old to learn new ways to enjoy sex!).

So, orgasmic meditation gets a big tick. I highly recommend that you learn about it, perhaps attend one of their courses, join their online community if you need to find someone to do it with. And start enjoying being stroked!

There is however, in my opinion, one thing that you need to do first: THROW AWAY YOUR VIBRATOR!

Why? It’s this simple: vibrators are too powerful. They train your brain to be LESS sensitive to clitoral stimulation. They take away your ability to engage with and enjoy your body and the most specific pleasure that you can enjoy, that is stimulation of your clit.

When you try orgasmic meditation you will understand why. The whole technique is based around the lightest, most gentle touch possible of the woman’s clitoris. By contrast using a vibrator is like putting too much salt on your food. In the end you can only taste salt and you lose the ability to enjoy the subtle flavours and variations of unsalted food. Like wise, your vibrator is destroying your connection with your clit. Let me explain how. I read a recent study summarised here:

http://www.cell.com/current-biology/abstract/S0960-9822(14)01487-0

It showed that regular fine detail work with fingers – including playing musical instruments, or using a smart phone – resulted in greater brain activity in the areas of the brain related to sensing touch. I.e. when you use your finger tips to do something that requires a delicate touch, your brain responds by ramping up it’s sensitivity to the signals coming from that part of your body.

Your clitoris has upward of 8000 nerve endings, all packed into a tiny space. It is exquisitely receptive – more so than even your fingertips. But what you “feel” is dependent up whether or not your brain is “listening” to the signals properly. Extrapolating from the finding of the study mentioned above, it is reasonable to expect that using a vibrator, especially a powerful one for clitoral stimulation will allow your brain to become less attuned to the signals from you clit. After all, if you were extremely sensitive, then it could actually be painful to have that level of stimulation, so your body dials down the sensitivity progressively.

So. Orgasmic meditation – through the use of very, very gentle stimulation of the clitoris with the finger tip – should, I believe, result in an increase in brain activity and hence sensation and pleasure that a woman feels, in the same way that smart phone, or instrument use increases the sensitivity of people’s finger tips.

Practice orgasmic meditation enough, without undoing the good work by using a vibrator in between and I believe that it may actually allow almost any women to reach orgasm via penetration. I haven’t been able to test this theory yet, but I am seriously intent on finding out!

John.

The fallacy of “female viagra”

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Today I saw this article in the Sydney Morning Herald that discusses the race to create a “female viagra”:

http://www.smh.com.au/good-weekend/multimillion-dollar-race-to-find-a-pink-viagra-20141121-11e1b6.html

There’s a saying that goes … “to a hammer, everything looks like a nail”.

Therefore it is no-surprise-at-all to me that pharmaceutical companies (who as a matter of course make drugs and sell them to people) would like to have a convenient pill to sell to women to alleviate their “sexual dysfunction”. Hammer/nail.

There are so many things wrong with this conversation about why women don’t want, or don’t enjoy sex that it’s hard to know where to begin. Perhaps the most pertinent place is with “male viagra” and to define what it really is, as opposed to what this article (and popular culture) think it is.

Viagra is the brand name that Pfizer gave the drug sildenafil. Sildenafil is a vasodilator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasodilation). In short, this means that it increases blood flow, particularly arterial blood flow (that conveniently carries blood to the penis). This is VERY, VERY useful if you are male, older, less fit, have poor circulation etc. It can make getting and sustaining an erection much easier. But it doesn’t create arousal.

So, viagra gets your blood flowing. But it does not create arousal. Let me say that again: viagra does not create arousal in a man. This is a common misconception, and one embodied in the title of this article. No arousal, no erection, no-matter how much viagra you have popped.

As implied by this article, men rarely suffer from a lack of desire and arousal for sex. What some men lack (due to age, and perhaps less than ideal health) is the blood flow to get and keep their penis hard. Women on the other hand often lack the arousal. Therefore it is pointless – in my opinion – to talk about a “female viagra”. Viagra works perfectly well on women as a vasodilator. The obvious problem is that this doesn’t do one damn thing to increase a woman’s level of arousal. It probably won’t hurt, but it’s not going to change a woman’s perception of someone who she don’t feel like having sex with.

What people who talk about female viagra are really talking about is developing a drug that makes women aroused (or some facsimile of). There is at least one very obvious problem here, so lets address it first: this is sounding seriously shady to me. We usually call these sorts of things “date rape” drugs. You know, things like rohipnol (who’s effects include: disinhibition and impaired judgment). If a woman can pop a pill to become aroused, then what is to stop someone else slipping them a pill to do the same?

I am sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be horrified to hear me characterise their work in this way, but at the end of the day making a pill that alters women’s state of mind to increase sexual arousal is a dangerous and very slippery slope. There is of course a common drug that already does this sort of thing. It’s called alcohol. Used in moderation it can be socially beneficial. Used inappropriately it can be disastrous – and people think that a more powerful version would be better?

A second problem is that, if you are trying to develop a drug that creates the physical responses of female arousal (like vaginal lubrication etc) then you are again missing the point. Having the physical indications of being ready for sex in no way guarantee that a woman will actually want to have sex with the man in front of her. Being wet, or having an erection doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex. Just that your body is ready to do so. Granted, for women who have issues with a lack of lubrication (as many women do post menopause for instance), then this could be a good thing. However that’s not really what the article, or the pharmaceutical companies are focusing on.

So, lets stop talking about “female viagra”. Lets instead have an adult discussion about why so many women don’t want sex. Or lose interest sexually in their partners as relationships age. Lets talk about how the concept of the “nuclear family” (and the social and physical isolation that causes) effects women’s libidos. Or about long work hours (for men and women), stress, debt, consumer culture, social dislocation, negative body image messages, hormonal contraceptives, lack of skill and interest from male partners, social pressure for “conventional” relationships, monogamy, and plenty more.  All of these things play a part in women having sex lives that are unfulfilled.

And that’s where the answers to the question of how to arouse women lie. Not in pills. Not in miracle cures. The problem of how to make a man’s erection last longer and be harder is trivial by comparison. Answering this question requires a revolution in both our thought and behaviour. It’s little wonder that people and business just want a pill! This stuff is hard, bordering on impossible to address. However, if we look hard at our lives, work out what really matters to us as people, then we can start to work on changing our lives to support those things. It’s not an easy thing to do for most of us, but that’s the reality of life. It is incumbent upon us all to find our own path.

John.