In my recent post about sex education I suggested that it was time for me to write something on the topic.
In the last few weeks I have started on this project and am delighted to say that it is progressing well. My intention is to publish parts of the book here as they are completed, or at least knocked into a reasonable shape. I expect that it will be an ongoing project that evolves over time as I get feedback and more experience with the process and subject.
So. Stay tuned.
John.
Following on from my recent post about beauty in our society I want to write something about sex education. It’s a topic that I have cared about since my ok, but rudimentary sex education in high school. I was prompted today by this article in the local paper. From the article:
So it is not uncommon then for a female student to graduate high school having never received any formal education on topics such as natural lubrication, the clitoris, female masturbation or the female orgasm, even though the male equivalent of these topics were first broached way back in primary school.
The inherent asymmetry this creates then stigmatises female pleasure, while reinforcing a phallocentric model of sex. Thus male pleasure is centrally coded into the experience and attributed hyper significance, while the female orgasm is treated as taboo, embarrassing, irrelevant or even non-existent.
Worse still, by erasing female needs and prioritising male needs as paramount, the current model of sex education normalises male entitlement and perpetuates female voicelessness. At a fundamental level, this reinforces the same gender stereotypes and patterns which give rise to sexual violence and intimate partner violence.
For Manon and Lyndsay, this all points to a need for urgent reform, starting with more consultation with young women.
I couldn’t agree more about the need for reform. Also for the participation of young people (girls and boys). And that when we neglect to make sex education broad and inclusive of both genders (and a range of ages!), we help to entrench stereotypes that marginalise women and their right to self knowledge and sexual pleasure.
It is a regular occurrence for me that I meet women who have little connection with their bodies and their sexuality, who have difficulty achieving orgasm, and generally have a hard time enjoying sex. It happens so often that I specifically offer “therapeutic” services to try to assist women and give them a better sex life. It is enjoyable and rewarding work for me, but in an ideal world it would not be necessary.
To this end I have often thought about (collaboratively) writing a set of ebooks for young (and not so young) people about all aspects of sexuality. Not just the biology of reproduction like I was taught at school, but about relationships (straight, gay, bi, open, closed, and poly), kissing, masturbation, oral sex, contraception, consent, peer pressure, penetrative sex, breaking up, emotions, porn, and anything else that people wanted to hear about.
Importantly I think that this sort of material shouldn’t be “one size fits all”, but revised or expanded for gender, orientation, and age. Young people need access to this information, but even us adults need it too some times.
And we now live in an age where (thanks to the magic of computers, smartphones, tablets, and the Internet) we have the ideal means of distribution and totally private viewing for this sort of material. In short the time has never been better to solve this problem.
Having said that, I guess it’s time to put my money where my mouth is and write something. So, a question for my readers: as a young person (or as an adult), what aspect of sexuality would you have liked most to be able to pick up a short e-book and read about?
In hindsight, as a teenage male, I would have benefited most from a book about masturbation for boys/men. I suffered for many, many years with premature ejaculation (ironic I know, given what I do now!) and I can absolutely attribute that to having no idea about how I should have been learning to masturbate – with a view to having a healthy sex life once I had a partner to share sex with. Just a few basic tips would have made my sex life (and that of my first three partners) much more enjoyable.
So, please let me know what you think. I am very interested to hear your thoughts.
John.
A recent hacking incident that lead to private nude photos of women being published on line caused a cascade of responses, one of those being presenters on Channel Seven’s Sunrise program here in Sydney indulging in victim blaming. This lead Sydney Morning Herald columnist Clementine Ford to respond with a semi nude photo, posted to Facebook with a message “Hey #Sunrise – get fucked”.
It was, I thought a powerful response and entirely appropriate. The post has been very popular and attracted vast numbers of comments.
Clementine Ford has since published an article in the Sydney Morning Herald talking about the torrent of abuse that her post drew down on her. Mostly men basically trying to shame her for how she looks. To her credit she had held the line and not taken the post down despite the very, very personal criticism.
We live in a media saturated world that puts physical beauty on a pedestal (then alternately savages it). We all know this, but we like to think that the people around us aren’t so shallow – after all, we live in the “real world” not in the celebrity world. But the truth is that, as Clementine Ford experienced, there are plenty of regular men (and boys one suspects) who are equally vacuous and malicious and prepared to publicly judge and criticize women for their appearance.
Which is why I am writing this post. It is a common thing for women who come to me to feel insecure about their appearance, or even hate how their bodies look. Year of subtle, or not so subtle denigration by people around them, and of course the relentless pressure of the media sap their confidence and take away their love and enjoyment of themselves.
I am often asked what I do if I don’t find a client attractive. The answer is not what most people expect though. When it comes down to it, I see all of my clients as people, as women, as human beings. Different shapes and sizes, different interests, fear, worries, and desires. But all people. And in every person there is something to admire, something that can arouse passion and make a person attractive to themselves and someone else.
On top of that, no matter what, we are all able to enjoy sex. And sex transforms people, pleasure makes people vulnerable and beautiful. Not beautiful in the superficial way that the media would recognise, but in a way that speaks to the partner with whom they are sharing something so intimate.
We all have beauty. And it deserves to be celebrated. A big part of what I do is give women an opportunity and the safety to experience feeling and being beautiful.
John.
I happened upon an article titles Living Without Sex via the Sydney Morning Herald recently. You can see it here:
It peaked my curiosity as most articles about sex and sexuality usually do. I was ready for something similar to an article that I have seen in the past on the subject that left me unconvinced. It was about a group of young people who considered themselves asexual, had never had sex, and weren’t interested in it. There are a number of issues with that situation, but I won’t go into them here. This article however was more relevant I think to the people who visit my website.
It looked at three different women who each had their own life related reasons for not having sex. Ranging from choice to medical reasons. I would like to touch on each briefly and make some comments.
Sara – 43, chose to stop having sex for a year as she found that her instinctive response to men (to flirt and sometimes sleep with them) was making it difficult for her to make good decisions about relationships. I think that this is fascinating, and a lesson that more people could benefit from incorporating into their lives. She found that when she put sex aside that she was better able to see potential partners for who they were and decide if they were right for her. It sounds like a good decision to me. Being able to understand ourselves and why we make the choices that we do and what drives them is the path to making better choices in the future.
Sally Broom – 37, chose to stop having sex for religious reasons. For me, this is more of a negative example. I understand that some people have beliefs that preclude sex, the problem is that many people (including Sally) find ways to excuse themselves from this stricture when it suits them. Then they feel guilty. Or don’t enjoy it. Or feel bad about what they have done. This can lead to very negative feelings about self and sex in the long term. I was raised Catholic, so I understand the way that organised religions can use guilt to control people, especially when it comes to sex. But it can do much more than just control you, it can damage you and your relationship with sex and with your body. My personal opinion is that religion does not belong in our sex lives and should never be allowed to guide our choices about who, how, and when we have sex.
Sally has had the experience of discovering that since she became celibate that she is more engaged in the rest of her life and that other things are fun too. I would turn this around and say: to the person who represses natural sexual desire that you are missing out on something that can be very positive in your life. All things should be done in moderation, including sex, but repressing anything that you love and desire will have consequences for the rest of your life. They may be trivial, or, as is often the case with repressing sexual desire, they may be huge. I have plenty of personal experience in this area and my considered opinion is that it’s not healthy and can go a long way to making you miserable and no fun for the people around you.
Breanna Percy – 24, had a medical condition called vaginismus. Simply put it means that due to fear, or trauma, or some other reason, the muscles of the vaginal opening contract strongly and don’t allow the woman to have sex. It’s a reasonably common problem, and thankfully one that no woman needs to put up with. In Breanna’s case she eventually (with the help of Google – yay for Google!) worked out that she had vaginismus. It still took her a long time though to find a method of treatment. In her case it involved going to the US for expensive treatment at a clinic that uses therapy and vaginal dilators to gradually allow a woman to train the muscles of her vagina to relax.
The good news is that you don’t need to go to the US and it doesn’t need to be terribly expensive. You can easily buy the vaginal dilators online (safely and anonymously) and there are plenty of doctors and therapists around who will help you with the use of them. It is even something that I have done on a number of occasions successfully with clients. Half the battle with problems like vaginismus is knowing that you are normal and that other women have the same problems that you do. Once you realise that and have someone to help who is supportive and understands, then it’s just a matter of a few weeks to do the work and help your body learn that having sex is safe, not painful, and even fun.
So why live without sex? Having sex can be good for your mental health. It’s (another) way to connect with people. And best of all, it’s fun when you know how to do it well and are with someone you connect with. And one thing that I definitely see missing from too many people’s lives is fun.
John.
I saw the following article online today:
Potential new vaccine blocks every strain of HIV
http://www.sciencealert.com/potential-new-vaccine-blocks-every-strain-of-hiv
A new drug candidate is so potent against all strains of HIV, researchers think it could work as a new kind of vaccine.
Developed by researchers from more than a dozen research institutions and led by a team at the Scripps Research Institute in the US, the drug is effective against doses of HIV-1, HIV-2 and SIV (simian immunodeficiency virus) that have been extracted from humans or rhesus macaques – including what researchers consider to be the ‘hardest-to-stop’ variants. It worked against doses of HIV that are way higher than what would be transmitted between humans, and works for at least eight months after injection.
This is great news for everyone around the world. As someone who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s and now works in the sex industry HIV/AIDS has been an ever present fear (for good reason), so news that there may be a way to block HIV entirely with a vaccination is fantastic.
The reality of that solution is still a way off though and of course that only covers one of a range of STi’s that are out there. Safe(r) sex is of course the very best thing that we can do to protect ourselves, but the thing that often isn’t mentioned is testing. Many people carry STI’s without knowing it and while it may be uncomfortable to get tested and wait for results, at the end of the day if everyone was tested regularly during their lives, then the risk of STI’s would be cut almost to zero. If there is a problem, then you can do something about it. This is why I am tested regularly and why I recommend that everyone (whether you book a date with me or not) should get tested too.
Knowledge is power.
John.
Today I saw this article in the Sydney Morning Herald that discusses the race to create a “female viagra”:
There’s a saying that goes … “to a hammer, everything looks like a nail”.
Therefore it is no-surprise-at-all to me that pharmaceutical companies (who as a matter of course make drugs and sell them to people) would like to have a convenient pill to sell to women to alleviate their “sexual dysfunction”. Hammer/nail.
There are so many things wrong with this conversation about why women don’t want, or don’t enjoy sex that it’s hard to know where to begin. Perhaps the most pertinent place is with “male viagra” and to define what it really is, as opposed to what this article (and popular culture) think it is.
Viagra is the brand name that Pfizer gave the drug sildenafil. Sildenafil is a vasodilator (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vasodilation). In short, this means that it increases blood flow, particularly arterial blood flow (that conveniently carries blood to the penis). This is VERY, VERY useful if you are male, older, less fit, have poor circulation etc. It can make getting and sustaining an erection much easier. But it doesn’t create arousal.
So, viagra gets your blood flowing. But it does not create arousal. Let me say that again: viagra does not create arousal in a man. This is a common misconception, and one embodied in the title of this article. No arousal, no erection, no-matter how much viagra you have popped.
As implied by this article, men rarely suffer from a lack of desire and arousal for sex. What some men lack (due to age, and perhaps less than ideal health) is the blood flow to get and keep their penis hard. Women on the other hand often lack the arousal. Therefore it is pointless – in my opinion – to talk about a “female viagra”. Viagra works perfectly well on women as a vasodilator. The obvious problem is that this doesn’t do one damn thing to increase a woman’s level of arousal. It probably won’t hurt, but it’s not going to change a woman’s perception of someone who she don’t feel like having sex with.
What people who talk about female viagra are really talking about is developing a drug that makes women aroused (or some facsimile of). There is at least one very obvious problem here, so lets address it first: this is sounding seriously shady to me. We usually call these sorts of things “date rape” drugs. You know, things like rohipnol (who’s effects include: disinhibition and impaired judgment). If a woman can pop a pill to become aroused, then what is to stop someone else slipping them a pill to do the same?
I am sure that the pharmaceutical companies would be horrified to hear me characterise their work in this way, but at the end of the day making a pill that alters women’s state of mind to increase sexual arousal is a dangerous and very slippery slope. There is of course a common drug that already does this sort of thing. It’s called alcohol. Used in moderation it can be socially beneficial. Used inappropriately it can be disastrous – and people think that a more powerful version would be better?
A second problem is that, if you are trying to develop a drug that creates the physical responses of female arousal (like vaginal lubrication etc) then you are again missing the point. Having the physical indications of being ready for sex in no way guarantee that a woman will actually want to have sex with the man in front of her. Being wet, or having an erection doesn’t always mean that you want to have sex. Just that your body is ready to do so. Granted, for women who have issues with a lack of lubrication (as many women do post menopause for instance), then this could be a good thing. However that’s not really what the article, or the pharmaceutical companies are focusing on.
So, lets stop talking about “female viagra”. Lets instead have an adult discussion about why so many women don’t want sex. Or lose interest sexually in their partners as relationships age. Lets talk about how the concept of the “nuclear family” (and the social and physical isolation that causes) effects women’s libidos. Or about long work hours (for men and women), stress, debt, consumer culture, social dislocation, negative body image messages, hormonal contraceptives, lack of skill and interest from male partners, social pressure for “conventional” relationships, monogamy, and plenty more. All of these things play a part in women having sex lives that are unfulfilled.
And that’s where the answers to the question of how to arouse women lie. Not in pills. Not in miracle cures. The problem of how to make a man’s erection last longer and be harder is trivial by comparison. Answering this question requires a revolution in both our thought and behaviour. It’s little wonder that people and business just want a pill! This stuff is hard, bordering on impossible to address. However, if we look hard at our lives, work out what really matters to us as people, then we can start to work on changing our lives to support those things. It’s not an easy thing to do for most of us, but that’s the reality of life. It is incumbent upon us all to find our own path.
John.
Ok, I admit it, the title of this post is click bait, but the title is important, as is the subject. I was recently shown an article in Sneaky Magazine, here that talked about a growing movement (?) from a US organisation called One Taste that teaches people (men and women working together) what they call orgasmic meditation.
From the One Taste website:
“Orgasmic Meditation (OM) is a practice embracing and utilizing the sexual energy we all possess.
Courses at OneTaste teach you how to acknowledge the energy flowing through you, and then channel it into all areas of your life. The result? Your sex life improves, food tastes better, your connection to yourself and others deepen. Being TurnedOn means feeling the electricity of being alive.
Practitioners experience benefits similar to other mindfulness practices such as sitting meditation, as well as the well-known health benefits associated with orgasm. It’s deliberate and structured with repeatable results.
OM is profound, yet simple and you can have it whether you are single or coupled.”
So far so good. Mindfulness is a good thing. Being aware of one’s self, your emotions, and the sensations that you are experiencing here and now is an excellent foil to the noise, stress, and discord that modern life assails us with virtually all the time these days. Adding orgasm to mindfulness sounds extra good!
So, reading through the article, this is what I discover …
Orgasmic massage is basically clitoral masturbation of the woman (of course) by a partner (usually a man, perhaps its an American thing, but they don’t really talk about women performing the “stroking”, but I can’t see any reason why they couldn’t). For just 15 minutes. And according to the One Taste explanation, the 15 minutes is central to the whole concept.
Now this is where the click bait comes in to play. A session lasts for 15 minutes, from laying down and the woman spreading her legs so that her stroker can begin stroking to the hands off moment when you have to stop. No ifs, no buts. Now I know a few women who could probably reach orgasm in that time from just clitoral stimulation, but that’s a vanishingly small minority. And fair enough, with practice, perhaps you could learn to experience a version of orgasm that is long and slow and deep and last the whole 15 minutes. But this definitely doesn’t qualify as an orgasm as most of us know it. There simply isn’t time for most women to build to the required level of arousal and then peak in what we call orgasm.
In fact, I know plenty of women, who, if they could achieve orgasm within 15 minutes, would be pushing the stroking hand away straight afterward as orgasm leaves their clitoris overly sensitive and further touch is almost painful (much like most men don’t enjoy strong stimulation of their penis straight after orgasm and ejaculation).
So, the name Orgasmic Meditation is misleading. This isn’t about orgasm. It is about sexual pleasure. It is about mindfulness. It is about empowerment for women and taking control of their sexuality. All of these are very good things. But it’s not about orgasm.
So, slightly dodgy name aside, I think Orgasmic Meditation is a REALLY GOOD THING. If you are well in touch with your body, comfortable in your sexuality, and happy with your sex life, then it could be fun and may be useful. However, if things aren’t so great, then orgasmic meditation may be of real help to you. Here’s why:
The structure of the process (15 minutes, very specific touch, no sex, no expectations, total focus on the woman) means that the woman can let go of all of the stresses and expectations that she has learned or had imposed on her around sex. This is her time. It’s all about her. It’s about pleasure (from a sexual source), but it’s not about sex. She doesn’t have to worry about pleasing her partner, or really doing anything at all besides enjoying herself. Perhaps it’s like getting a manicure? Time when you are just indulging yourself and no-one else – and it feels really good too!
And the fact that there (probably) isn’t a recognisable form of orgasm involved for most women has another benefit: having had someone play with your pussy for 15 minutes will leave you “turned on” and wanting sex. That’s completely natural, and it’s no surprise to me that the energising effect of unresolved sexual arousal would flow through to other areas of your life.
At the end of the day I think that orgasmic meditation is a great idea. I can’t see how it can hurt anyone (unlike medication, alcohol, and extreme life changes), so why not try it out? I am planning on attending a course in the near future to get the training (although the instructional video on the One Taste website makes it look pretty simple really). I will make another post to describe the experience.
John.
The Guardian published an article recently with the title “I’m too self conscious about my body to have sex with someone new”. You can see it here:
http://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2014/may/09/self-conscious-body-have-sex-someone-new
It’s a short letter from a reader who is 54, recently divorced, wants a new relationship, wants to have sex as part of her life, but is scared of what a new partner will think about her appearance.
It is a very familiar story to me. Many of the women who come to me are in exactly the same boat. They see a date with me as an opportunity to test this theory in a way that is emotionally risk free. I.e. the risk of rejection from me (as a male escort) is low, and they are not putting their self-esteem on the line with someone who they care about.
I was very pleased to see that the comments responding to this article were overwhelmingly positive. For instance:
“I’m a 38 year old man and believe me men won’t be turned off by you, boys might be but I presume you are looking for someone more mature than a teenager in a man’s body.”
“Believe me, my wobbly bits have their own wobbly bits, but once a man is attracted to you – HE DOESN’T CARE!
It’s easier said than done, I know, but I think once you get it over with, you’ll be fine. It’s incredibly liberating to feel comfortable in your skin. And if it should turn a new partner off, it’s his loss, isn’t it?”
I particularly like the second comment above: “… once a man is attracted to you – HE DOESN’T CARE!”. Words of wisdom there. And probably the most important of all. As a (straight) man, I love women, I love the female body, and I love sex. A woman having a perfect body is not what matters to me. “Sexy and attractive” starts in your head, with confidence, and belief in yourself. That’s where I make a connection with a woman – with who she is. Not what she is.
After that, sex just becomes a natural part of that connection. So don’t wait, if you are still worried, book a date with me and try it out. Or, better still, take the plunge and go to bed with that man you have had your eye on!
John.
The Sydney Morning Herald’s Daily Life column has an article about sex work today. You can see it here.
http://www.dailylife.com.au/health-and-fitness/debunking-the-myths-of-sex-work-20130429-2iodn.html
I think that the article is a reasonalbe and sensible wrap up of sex work. In summary “sex workers are people too, so why not be nice to them”. Ok, that might be a little glib, but you take my point I hope.
For the first time every I have managed to get a comment published. I was prompted to firstly by the question raised in the article of whether male sex workers (like myself) and their clients have a different experience of the industry and the general “shaming” that goes on against sex workers.
What has delighted me constantly over the years that I have worked as an escort is the huge amount of support that I have had from both clients and from the few people in my life who I have told about what I do.
So here’s my point, amplified by the many mindless comments on the artile linked above that dismiss prostitution out of hand: being able to come to someone like me for companionship, intimacy, and sex is a vital option for both men and women to have in our society. Why? Because all too often the nature of our society doesn’t provide those things for people. Perhaps they have been in an abusive relationship (emotionally, or physically) and need someone they can absolutely trust to help them repair their self-esteem, or accept intimacy again, or have a disability that prevents them from forming a conventional relationship in the first place. Or perhaps they just want and need physical company right now, but don’t have a socially acceptable relationship to provide it.
The reasons are many and varied, but you can be absolutely sure that when people start making blanket statements about prostitution being bad/demeaning/imoral etc that the person has never worked in the industry, and probably never actually needed the services themselves (“need” being distinct here from just having indulged).
This isn’t to say that a person has to have a specific need to use my services. But it begs the question of why can’t we treat sex as something fun to do? People in relationships have sex for fun all the time, so why shouldn’t someone who isn’t in a relationship choose to buy sex for fun?
At the end of the day I like seeing discussion of sexuality in the media. It may attract the trolls and nutters to denounce it as evil, but every article raises questions and gets people thinking and talking about the issues. Which has to be a good thing.
John.
It will come as no surprise I am sure to hear that I like (love) women’s breasts. They are fabulous. Large or small, they all have their own charm.
I came across an article today in Fairfax’s Daily Life site about breasts and thought it worth sharing. You can see the original article here:
The author of the article (who wrote/edited a book about breasts to support breast cancer research after having cancer herself) found herself troubled by just how prudish our society (western society) is about breasts. Most significantly the way that womens’ breasts are treated as sexual where as mens’ are not.
Ultimately it’s just one more arbitrary thing in our culture. Some people develop fetishes for feet, or hands, or being sat on, or … just about anything you can think of. Our society has create a general fetish for womens’ breasts, but not mens’. There is plenty to say here about double standards and the objectification of women.
What I would like to say is – given that our society in general has this fetish and it’s not going away any time soon – the best thing that we can all do is learn to enjoy what we have to the full. Many men don’t appreciate the pleasure that a women can get from having her breasts touched and stimulated. Also, many women don’t appreciate how enjoyable it can be for them either. There are so many ways to do it, from massaging the whole breast with fingers and hand, to exquisite nipple play with lips, fingers, or toys.
So, while we wait for equality in bare breasted to happen, lets explore the pleasure to be had from this collective fetish and re-discover breast play as part of a fulfilling sex life!
John