Really good sex (more than just a one off) doesn’t just happen. It requires four things …
Care
if you want sex to be really good then you have to care about making it really good. You have to want it. You have to be prepared to pursue it, to make time and energy available for it, to make it happen.
Communication
Our society has created an expectation that all you have to do is meet the right person and great sex (as well as great relationships, friendship etc) will just happen. I call it the “happily ever after” syndrome. All you have to do (says everything from fairy tales to Hollywood to religion) is find the right person for you, get married, and it will all be roses from there on – happily ever after. The reality is that the world doesn’t work that way. What makes a successful relationship is communication. All the time. The same is true of sex. You can’t expect to have really good sex if you can’t talk about it, talk about your needs, your desires. Talk honestly and openly, take risks, and be open to change.
No-one is a mind reader and expecting our partners to be able to know what we really want in bed is as unfair as expecting them to know what we want for dinner.
Education
Great lovers are made, not borne. At 40 I am keenly aware that I still don’t know everything there is to know about sex. There is always more to learn. You can learn from books, learn from videos, learn from exploration, and learn from other people. Many of us though feel that we are expected to already know all about sex, especially as we get older. But it’s not the case. In fact the older we get the better we are prepared to learn about sex and our sexuality. The older we are the less inhibited we tend to be, the more in touch with our bodies, and the more able to learn what works and what doesn’t.
Practice
It seems self evident. The more you practice, then better you get at something. But it’s not necessarily the case. When I was 16 I attended a triathlon training camp. At the time I was an average swimmer. I was given basic instruction by a very good swimming coach. The results were immediate and impressive. By the end of the training session I was swimming much faster with much better style. And I have kept those basic lessons at the front of my mind my whole life. Whenever I jump in the pool to do a few laps I am thinking about my technique and making sure that I don’t fall back into my bad old habits. The lesson is: practice only makes perfect if you first know what mistakes you are making.
If you care about sex, take the time to educate yourself about anatomy, techniques, and the psychology of sex, if you can talk with your partner about your sex life, what you both want and need, then the practice will really mean something and lead to greater enjoyment for both of you.
Perhaps the final word here is that while passion is great and passionate sex is even better, passion can get in the way of improving your sex life. If we are going to improve ourselves as lovers, then we need to put the passion aside occasionally and spend some time just trying things out. That’s how we learn about sex and improve.
John.