Everyone knows that: “women want sex less and are less promisuous than men – and men all want sex all the time and with anyone available”.
It’s a standard assumption about male and female sexuality in western society. It is also untrue. When you work in my industry your come to realise fairly quickly that most of what society tells you about sex and other people is wrong – you probably felt that it didn’t apply to you anyway, but there is always the suspicion that you might be the odd one out.
Well, thanks to science we have a chance to look beyond the assumptions, beyond the religious dogma, indoctrination, and social expectations.
I read two different articles recently – linked below. One of them explained that when women answered questions about their sexual history and experience more honestly (when they didn’t feel a social pressure to give “acceptable” answers and thought that lying would be detected) they reported having, on average, 4.4 sexual partners in their lifetime. Men on the other hand reported only 4.0 partners on average.
This turn our normal perception of men as sexually promiscuous and women as sexually conservative on its head. To me, it’s not entirely surprising. I know that women enjoy and want sex. It’s why so many women (of all ages from many different backgrounds) come to me. But many women who come to me still feel confused that their personal desire for sex and their partner’s lack of desire for sex is at odds with what society and religion say is “right”. This research is real evidence that what women feel: that they enjoy sex, that they want it, and with more than just one partner in their life is actually the way that many women feel and importantly the way that many women behave!
The second article mentioned incidentally that women in long term monogamous relationships are likely to lose interest in sex with their partner. They may still love, respect, and be attracted to their partner and even enjoy the sex when they have it, but after a couple of years the passion just fades away. Many women feel that this is some kind of failure on their part. And not surprisingly since the social narratives that we grow up with (from our very earliest fairy tales) are built around the concept of “happily ever after”. You are meant to find you perfect match, fall in love, then live happily ever after. No mention of the fading of lust and passion.
What the research shows though is that female libido and relationships with men are not so simple. And the stereotypes and expectations placed up them are not helpful and don’t lead to fulfilling relationships. Little wonder that the divorce rate is now around 50%.
So what to do? Well, it’s time to change the social narrative. It’s time to throw off the religious shackles. Time to accept the desires that we have to be fulfilled sexually as well as emotionally.
If you are reading this article then you have probably already concluded that this is what you want and need in your life. But it is a big step to go from understanding that about yourself and doing something about it in the real world.
That is partly why I and other men like me exist. We offer a discreet option for women who want to take that step without taking the risk of losing or damaging the relationship with their partner. I see us though as a stop gap for most women in this position, or a stepping stone. A way of testing the waters with minimal risk.
Ultimately though there are better solutions. Open relationships and polyamory are two very good starting points. Both things that I have personal experience with and can testify to the value of. They are however socially even less understood and accepted than homosexuality, so it’s not an easy path to go down for many people. I think however that it is worth the effort and the pain to try to change our lives and our relationships. To make them more open and flexible. To make them work for us, not just for the social order and the economy. Being able to say that I won’t let my life be ruled by fear and jealousy is a liberating experience. Scary too, but then there is always a cost for things that are worth having.
John.