I happened upon an article titles Living Without Sex via the Sydney Morning Herald recently. You can see it here:
It peaked my curiosity as most articles about sex and sexuality usually do. I was ready for something similar to an article that I have seen in the past on the subject that left me unconvinced. It was about a group of young people who considered themselves asexual, had never had sex, and weren’t interested in it. There are a number of issues with that situation, but I won’t go into them here. This article however was more relevant I think to the people who visit my website.
It looked at three different women who each had their own life related reasons for not having sex. Ranging from choice to medical reasons. I would like to touch on each briefly and make some comments.
Sara – 43, chose to stop having sex for a year as she found that her instinctive response to men (to flirt and sometimes sleep with them) was making it difficult for her to make good decisions about relationships. I think that this is fascinating, and a lesson that more people could benefit from incorporating into their lives. She found that when she put sex aside that she was better able to see potential partners for who they were and decide if they were right for her. It sounds like a good decision to me. Being able to understand ourselves and why we make the choices that we do and what drives them is the path to making better choices in the future.
Sally Broom – 37, chose to stop having sex for religious reasons. For me, this is more of a negative example. I understand that some people have beliefs that preclude sex, the problem is that many people (including Sally) find ways to excuse themselves from this stricture when it suits them. Then they feel guilty. Or don’t enjoy it. Or feel bad about what they have done. This can lead to very negative feelings about self and sex in the long term. I was raised Catholic, so I understand the way that organised religions can use guilt to control people, especially when it comes to sex. But it can do much more than just control you, it can damage you and your relationship with sex and with your body. My personal opinion is that religion does not belong in our sex lives and should never be allowed to guide our choices about who, how, and when we have sex.
Sally has had the experience of discovering that since she became celibate that she is more engaged in the rest of her life and that other things are fun too. I would turn this around and say: to the person who represses natural sexual desire that you are missing out on something that can be very positive in your life. All things should be done in moderation, including sex, but repressing anything that you love and desire will have consequences for the rest of your life. They may be trivial, or, as is often the case with repressing sexual desire, they may be huge. I have plenty of personal experience in this area and my considered opinion is that it’s not healthy and can go a long way to making you miserable and no fun for the people around you.
Breanna Percy – 24, had a medical condition called vaginismus. Simply put it means that due to fear, or trauma, or some other reason, the muscles of the vaginal opening contract strongly and don’t allow the woman to have sex. It’s a reasonably common problem, and thankfully one that no woman needs to put up with. In Breanna’s case she eventually (with the help of Google – yay for Google!) worked out that she had vaginismus. It still took her a long time though to find a method of treatment. In her case it involved going to the US for expensive treatment at a clinic that uses therapy and vaginal dilators to gradually allow a woman to train the muscles of her vagina to relax.
The good news is that you don’t need to go to the US and it doesn’t need to be terribly expensive. You can easily buy the vaginal dilators online (safely and anonymously) and there are plenty of doctors and therapists around who will help you with the use of them. It is even something that I have done on a number of occasions successfully with clients. Half the battle with problems like vaginismus is knowing that you are normal and that other women have the same problems that you do. Once you realise that and have someone to help who is supportive and understands, then it’s just a matter of a few weeks to do the work and help your body learn that having sex is safe, not painful, and even fun.
So why live without sex? Having sex can be good for your mental health. It’s (another) way to connect with people. And best of all, it’s fun when you know how to do it well and are with someone you connect with. And one thing that I definitely see missing from too many people’s lives is fun.
John.
Through a combination of factors, sex and intimacy had been lacking in my life for well over a decade and completely absent for over five years. I have wanted to leave a comment on this post ever since John wrote it, but could never find the right words.
I’ve recently experienced the incredible pleasure of a night with John. It was a superb reminder that human connection can be sensual, fun, erotic, hot, energetic and a whole heap more. The closing paragraph says it better than I ever could.